Patrick:[screaming, bashes body on mountain. The word DEAD flashes]
[we zoom out, revealing that Patrick is only playing a video game with his character while sandbording down Sand Mountain]
Patrick: Aww, I got dead again! This game stinks! [screams and bashes body on mountain just like on his game]
Sandy: See, that's why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
SpongeBob: I'm listening to you, mountain! Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick!
Patrick: Oh, yeah, I forgot. [eats yellow sand on a plate]
SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward"!
Squidward:[sits at a table drinking tea close to the mountain] Stop naming moves after me!
SpongeBob:[imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except for me.
Squidward: Well, it's true.
[SpongeBob laughs like Squidward, which makes Sandy and Patrick laugh really hard]
Sandy:[gasps] SpongeBob! Look out for that tree!
SpongeBob: Huh? [avoids tree with scuba diving gear on it] Don't worry guys, everything is under control because I'm an... [goes off mountain] EXPEEEEEEEEEERRRRRTTT...! [suddenly stops in mid-air] Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down! [camera reveals that SpongeBob is upside down and not the mountain and he falls] AHHHHHH!!!!!
Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!
SpongeBob:[makes himself right-side up and he takes off his pants] Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until 4.
[SpongeBob crashes into the ground and his bottom breaks into tiny pieces]
Sandy: Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!
[Cuts to the doctor's office]
Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
SpongeBob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, Id like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there. In the Iron Butt.
Tom:[in the Iron Butt] Aww, man. It itches!
SpongeBob:[outside hospital] You heard the doctor, SpongeBob. One more injury like that, then it's the iron butt! I've been too careless back there. From now on, no more hijinks. [To Harold] Hep, hep, hep! Stay away from the backside I'm warning you!
Harold: What's your problem?
SpongeBob: Whew. That was close!
Football Player: Hey, SpongeBob, why don't you join us? We need an extra player. [another football player catches a football] Nice catch, Percy! [slaps Percy's bottom, SpongeBob screams]
Jimmy: Hey, SpongeBob! you've gotta try this, dude! We finally got enough people for a seven-mile spanking machine! [crawls between people's legs, who each take turns spanking his butt] Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch! Ha, ouch.
[SpongeBob screams again, and runs off]
Squidward: Is this where the line starts?
SpongeBob: My butt is not safe out here! [runs inside his house and closes the door] No part of me is safe! [closes the window curtain]
[Patrick and Sandy return from another trip from Sand Mountain]
Sandy: Ride 'em, cowboy! [Patrick starts laughing as they enter SpongeBob's house] Hey, SpongeBob!
Patrick:[is still laughing; Sandy glares at him and he stops laughing] That was fun.
Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob, ready to go sandboarding again? SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob is sitting in a fetal position in the middle of the floor, with a penny, a potato chip, and a wadded-up napkin lying on the floor in front of him]
SpongeBob:[with a little smile on his face] Hello, friends. Enjoying the outside world?
Sandy: Whatcha all doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?
SpongeBob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life, in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided that I'm never leaving my house again.
Sandy: That's crazy talk!
Patrick: That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk! [gibberish blabbing, and Sandy punches him to shut him up, bashing his head in] Sorry.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt, it'll be my armpit or my forehead.
Patrick: Or your other armpit!
SpongeBob: I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge. What was I thinking? Walking…My people are sedentary.
Sandy: Just sitting in your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?
SpongeBob: I won't be alone, so I've got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny... [holds up a penny] and Chip... [holds up a potato chip] and say hello to Used Napkin. [holds up a used napkin]
Sandy: How are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: No problem! [he grabs the end of a spatula, which is so long it stretches all the way inside the Krusty Krab] A really long spatula. [flips a patty with the really long spatula]
Sandy: What about eating?
SpongeBob: I'm a sponge! I'll just filter-feed. [breathes in a different and weird way]
Sandy: SpongeBob, sooner or later you're gonna have to go outside!
SpongeBob: Listen, I've told you but I'm never leaving my house again.
Patrick: Never ever?
SpongeBob: Never ever ever!
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever for never ever?!
SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!!
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!
SpongeBob:[sighs exasperatedly] Never ever...
SpongeBob and Patrick: Never never never never ever never ever never…
SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick, that is enough! Chip, will you mind showing these two to the door? [throws Chip to the door and Sandy and Patrick leave]
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. [outside] I guess I'll to have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!
Sandy: Don't worry Pat, we'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Patrick: And that's when I punch him, right? [Sandy gives a bummed look. Patrick and Sandy are jellyfishing outside SpongeBob's house]
Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad SpongeBob's missing out on all the fun!
Patrick: I caught one! [puts head in net and his jellyfish sticks to his face] Huh?
SpongeBob:[Patrick screaming in background] Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing! My new hobby is much more safer, isn't it Chip? Dust collecting! [puts on a pair of glasses and a tiny net and waves it in the air] I think I caught one!
Sandy: We've got to try something else!
[Patrick and Sandy are holding a cake in front of SpongeBob's house]
Sandy and Patrick: ♪Three cheers on your birthday, SpongeBob! Three cheers for you!♪
Sandy: Now you got to blow out the candles and make a wish.
SpongeBob: I don't need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors. ♪I know of a place where you never get harmed. A magical place with magical charms. Indoors! Indoors! Indoors!♪ Take it away, Penny! [the penny lies silently on the floor]
Patrick:[snifflies] That penny has the most beautiful voice.
Sandy: That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun that you'll have to come outside!
Sandy:[jumps on a trampoline] Trampoline!
Patrick:[holds an ice cream cone] Ice cream!
Sandy:[surfs on an underwater wave] Underwater surfing!
Patrick:[holds two ice cream cones] Two ice creams!
Sandy:[rides on a Ferris wheel] Ferris wheel!
Patrick:[the two ice creams are melting] Still two ice creams!
Sandy:[struggling with a giant clam] Clam wrestling!
Patrick:[washes an old man in a tub] Washing an old person!
Sandy: Patrick, that's not fun.
Old man: It is for me!
[Patrick and Sandy watch SpongeBob "filter-feed" from outside]
Sandy: Nothing's working, Pat!
Patrick: What do we do?
Old man: I say we take a bath!
Sandy: Wha...will you get out of here?
[Patrick and Sandy are hiding behind a coral bush and Patrick is in a gorilla suit]
Sandy: Now remember. Don't jump out until I give the signal!
Patrick: Right! [he zips up his mask]
Sandy: All right, SpongeBob. You win. Stay inside forever. Yours is truly the iron will. Now, Pat! [Patrick comes out in the gorilla suit and acts crazy like a gorilla] Eek! A gorilla! Save me, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Okay, guys, really. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows that's Patrick in the same costume that he wore for Halloween last year.
Sandy: No, really! You've got to come and save me! [Suddenly, a second Patrick shows up out of nowhere with an ice cream]
Patrick #2: Hey, Sandy, Who's your friend?
[SpongeBob gives a startled look]
Sandy: But you're supposed to be in the gorilla suit.
Patrick #1: I am in the gorilla suit. [unzips the gorilla suit] I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
Sandy: If you're Patrick, then who is that?
[The second Patrick unzips his head, which reveals a real gorilla underneath!]
Sandy: Ah! A real gorilla!
SpongeBob: Huh? [The gorilla rips out of the Patrick suit it is wearing. Sandy and Patrick are screaming. The gorilla grabs Patrick and Sandy and puts them in a bag and repeatedly beats them] Oh, my gosh! [Sandy and Patrick are still screaming] This can't be happening! [The gorilla beats SpongeBob's two friends senselessly in the sack] This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about! [the gorilla can be seen still beating up the sack outside the window; it also does things like dribbling the sack and bouncing on it like it's a ball] Well, they were asking for it. It's not like I didn't warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know they're my two dearest friends in the world, but I told them, I wasn't going outside no matter what. We can do without the name calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin! I know, Chip. If I was out there, bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. And I've got to do the same for them. If I don't come back alive, Chip, take good care of Gary.
Gary:[eats Chip, killing him] Meow.
SpongeBob: Well, here we go. From the safety of my home, to the outside world. [opens the door and steps out] I'm taking my first step. So far, so good. I think I can do this! [the wind blows a piece of paper onto his face; SpongeBob screams] Oh, dear Neptune, get off of me, get off of me! Chip! Help me, help me! [Squidward waters his plants and rolls his eyes and SpongeBob removes the paper off his face] I'm still alive! I did it! I made it outside! Nothing can stop me now! [the gorilla grabs SpongeBob] Is it too late to go back inside again? [the gorilla rips SpongeBob in half]
1st half of SpongeBob: It's too late. [the gorilla screeches] Patrick? Sandy?
Patrick and Sandy:[still in the bag] Yes, SpongeBob?
1st half of SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore. But I'm terrified of gorillas now.
Sandy:[shaken] Ah, that's okay, SpongeBob. Us too.
1st half of SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though?
2nd half of SpongeBob: What?
1st half of SpongeBob: What's the gorilla doing underwater in the first place? [the gorilla's eyes widen]
Gorilla:[man's voice] Oh! Well, it's funny that you should...um...uh...George, they're onto us! [A zebra rushes onto the screen]
George: Let's get outta here! [the gorilla gets on George and rides away with him. Patrick, Sandy and the 2 halves of SpongeBob are watching the gorilla ride on George into the sunset. The screen zooms out to reveal a family watching the episode on TV in bemusement. The father turns to the mother and gives her a confused look, he shakes his head, and turns off the TV]