I'm with Stupid/transcript

I'm with Stupid
General
Season №:	2
Episode №:	37b
U.S. viewers (millions):	3.89
Airdate:	October 19, 2001
Chronology
Previous	"Procrastination"
Next	"Sailor Mouth"

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "I'm with Stupid" from season 2, which aired on October 19, 2001.

• [SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He featherdusts SpongeBob]
• Patrick: Need...FURNITURE! [makes a lamp post model out of the sand; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, couch, among others]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? [Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean] Hey, Patrick! Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing. But I can see you're busy having an episode.
• Patrick: [Stops cleaning. his face turns mad] You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [imitates SpongeBob] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate!"
• SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate!
• Patrick: [Starts crying] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You've got to help me!
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
• Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob; it's worse.
• SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then?
• Patrick: Look! [Takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button]
• SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [A sixteenth note is shown]
• Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter! [The letter B is shown]
• SpongeBob: You're right!
• Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents! [Hands out a smaller letter]
• SpongeBob: Your parents? [Reads the note out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy".
• Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.
• SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. They just like to push your buttons. Like this! [pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate] Beep!
• Patrick: [Laughing] That always cheers me up. [His eyes go back to normal] But not today.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.
• Patrick: But don't they watch television?
• SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If they got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!
• Patrick: But don't genius live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!
• Patrick: Math is power!
• [Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror]
• Patrick: A, B, C, D, E, F, G... [Doorbell rings] Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...!
• Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?
• Patrick: W, X, Y and Z? [Marty is so bored from banging that he still knocks on Patrick's head] Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
• Marty: Son! You recognized us this time!
• Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
• Marty: You never were a bright one. [Patrick wonders. Marty laughs] Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?
• Janet: He probably forgot where it is!
• Patrick: Well I know where it...
• Marty: Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. [Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands] Ok, hold hands now! [Inside the house] Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three!
• Janet: Good job!
• Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! [Both laugh]
• Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. [Patrick leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it]
• Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must have been working all night to put these together for us!
• Janet and Marty: We love you! [Both kiss Patrick]
• Patrick: [Doorbell rings] Hooray, the idiot is here! I mean, I'll get it!
• [Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet]
• SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary!
• Gary: Meow? [Goes back to SpongeBob's house]
• SpongeBob: What could go wrong? [Patrick's rock opens]
• Patrick: What a surprise!
• SpongeBob: Hi.
• Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Hi.
• Marty: Hello there!
• Janet: How do you do?
• SpongeBob: Hi. [Walks to Patrick's parents]
• Marty: Put it there. [SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand]
• Doll: Mama! Mama!
• Patrick: He means "shake". [SpongeBob shakes his entire body] No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! [SpongeBob shakes both his hands] No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. [Puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand] Grab it with only one hand! [Puts his left leg and hand down] Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! [He moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles]
• Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?
• SpongeBob: Hi.
• Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show him your house! [SpongeBob pulls down his pants and reveals a blouse] No, not your blouse! Your house! [SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck]
• Janet: He lives in a fruit?
• Marty: That's unhealthy.
• Patrick: [Giggling] Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner!? [SpongeBob babbles like an idiot. Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners]
• Marty: Does he always do that after he eats?
• Patrick: Only on Wednesday. [Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles]
• Marty: [Starts giggling with Patrick] Um, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.
• Patrick: Yeah. It would take more than just some masking tape to fix that guy. [SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck sound. Makes other various sounds]
• Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay?
• Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. [Dolphin chirping] You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" [Rooster crows] He drives all the neighbors crazy! [Horn] Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was... [SpongeBob crashes into the walls while an elephant trumpets in the background]. There's really no help for him. [SpongeBob makes imprints on the walls] I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only someone with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape! I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! [Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns] Hey, SpongeBob do you have any mascara I could borrow? [Makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands]
• Marty: The boy wears make-up?
• Janet: What a card! [Everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, who's now very annoyed]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Patrick!
• Patrick: Aw, he said my name.
• Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that?
• [SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger]
• Patrick: Ow! He bit me!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen!
• Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. [Janet and Marty laugh] A dumb one! [In the kitchen] So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! See, that's funny. 'Cause your dumb!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?
• Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumbing them down a bit.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! [glances at Patrick's t-shirt]
• Patrick: That's just what I thought you would say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [Patrick drools]
• SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember!
• Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now when you talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've got me in a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go on, act "smart" for everyone.
• SpongeBob: Ok, I will! [Takes off his helmet]
• Patrick: And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for you!
• SpongeBob: [In front of Janet and Marty] I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk and eat and do laundry. I even separate the darks and the whites. So let's say we start over and try again. Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy.
• Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to speak in complete sentences. Oh, good work, son!
• Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad!
• SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but...
• Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!
• SpongeBob: Now you listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [He shows them a picture of his brain]
• Patrick: That must be actual size! [All laugh]
• SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional, watch. [Writes on Patrick's chalkboard] 2 plus 2 equals 4.
• Marty: Wow, son! You taught him math too!
• SpongeBob: Nooo!!!
• Marty: And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering] Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much!
• [SpongeBob imagines them all laughing hard. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then they all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye. SpongeBob screams in real life like a man and runs through the wall and outside, and runs all the way back home]
• Marty: You know, son, I know when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But that guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He even makes phone operators seem smart! But more importantly, son, you've shown me how much of a quick-witted boy you've become. [Hugs him] I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?
• Janet: You bet, Marty! [Record scratches]
• Patrick: [His eyes widen] Janet? Marty? Who are you people?!
• Janet: Marty! I'm scared! [Doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward, Herb and Margie are outside his rock]
• Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!
• Patrick: Mom! Dad!
• Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time.
• Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! [Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh]
• Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.
• Janet: Oh yeah! [Both walk away. as the two walk away, Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them]