SpongeBob:[wakes up, yawns, and stretches, climbs out of bed and feet sink into sand, walks up to bedroom window and opens it] Ahh. What could go wrong on a beautiful day like this? [window twists and falls off, he walks into kitchen] Gary, time for breakfast! [reaches for Snail Po on shelf, but the shelf falls] The house must be settling. [pushes shelf hook into place] Oh, that's better. [the shelf, including the piece of wall it was on, collapses] I can fix this. I'll feed you when I'm done. [walks out of the kitchen]
SpongeBob:[hammering a board into place] Just a little handyman's know-how is all it takes, Gary! [hammering makes the wall fall off]
Gary:[holding food bowl] Meow meow meow meow!
SpongeBob: Oh! Sorry, Gary. You want to eat, huh? Don't worry, I can fix both problems.
SpongeBob:[hammers nails into the wall to fix it up] Okay, now that that's taken care of, time to feed Gary. [walks back inside when house gets even more rotten and goes in the kitchen with a big mess][blinks then walks to the living room with another mess] Oh no! This is worse than I thought! [runs with 2 brooms 1 by 1 to hold the roof] My door! [runs to door with a chair to keep the door from falling, gasps, runs to window then takes off a television stick then puts it on the window to keep the window from falling] AHHHHHHHH! [both brooms break then SpongeBob runs to the roof and holds it and gets squished on the floor and gets back up and holds it with his head] Patrick! Patrick! [while Patrick is snoring] Patrick!
Patrick:[dreaming he is in an office silently, using a pencil and pendulum randomly. the phone beeps.]
Telephone Girl: Mr. Star, I have a SpongeBob SquarePants on line 3!
Patrick: Put him through.
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick Star!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! You really need to get this place cleaned up.
Squidward: It's The Big One! It's the end of the world! Invest in gold! Hoard your drinking wa... I should've known. [goes to SpongeBob's house] What's going on in here?!
SpongeBob: You're just in time to lend a hand, Squidward!
Squidward: Lend a hand? No! [Patrick grabs Squidward and stretches him across the house]
SpongeBob: Patrick, call Sandy! Tell her to get over here fast!
Patrick:[ties Squidward's tentacles] Say no more, buddy!
SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick! I don't know how much longer I can hold this!
Sandy: Cheeks residence
Patrick: Sandy, don't hang up!
Sandy: What do you want?
Patrick: Oh, nothing. I'm just hanging with the sponge. How about you?
Sandy: Oh, you know. A little of this, a little of that, A little vacuuming...
Patrick:[chuckles] Sounds like fun. I wish I was over there. SpongeBob's house is boring. There's nothing going on over here. [a crashing noise is heard from the wall falling in the background]
Sandy: That sure don't sound like nothing. What's all the ruckus?
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob's pineapple is rotting and falling apart all around us... we're doomed.
Sandy: I'll be right over!
Patrick: Oh take your time...
SpongeBob: Holding steady Patrick. But, who knows how long this support system will last?
Sandy: This place sure went to pot, quick. Knockity knock, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No, Sandy don't! We must never, ever knock. This pineapple could topple over the slightest gesture. [SpongeBob goes to touch the house, but when it starts to rumble he quickly retreats his hand]
Mr. Krabs:[Mr. Krabs approaches SpongeBob from behind] SpongeBob, what are you doing here? You were supposed to be at work two hours ago! [a massive line of unserviced customers at the Krusty Krab is shown.]
Frank (lifeguard): Hello? Anybody here? Hello?! [turns and face the other customers] Do you guys know how to make a Krabby Patty?
Dave: No, but I do know how to open a cash register!
Mr. Krabs: Your absence is costing me money!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know. I'm sorry, but my hou...
Mr. Krabs: And, Squidward! I expect more from you. Well, actually, no... I don't.
Sandy: Well, I'm with you SpongeBob. And I've got the toolbox to prove it!
Patrick: I'm here because... wait a minute, why am I here? SpongeBob, I'm having another exit pencils crisis!
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick. And Squidward has done a great job holding it up.
Squidward: Against my will, I might add.
SpongeBob: So what do you say Mr. Krabs? Will you help?
Mr. Krabs: Well... I suppose I could join the cause. But, it'll have to be our standard deal.
SpongeBob: A week of my wages per hour?
Mr. Krabs: You got it kiddo!
Sandy: Well what are we waiting for? Let's get this restoration underway! [hands SpongeBob an armful of wooden planks]
Sandy:[Sandy uses a very elaborate machine to hammer a nail into the house.] Perfectly calibrated! [the hammer smashes her finger, and traps her finger] OW! [Sandy goes to pull away, but the machine falls on top of her]
Mr. Krabs:[Mr. Krabs carves into a plank using a chisel and hammer, creating money-esque landscape.] Not a bad bit of wooden starry if I do say so meself. Time to put the finishing touches on her. [Mr. Krabs hammers 1 more time, and it falls to pieces] Hm.
Patrick:[Patrick inspects a plank, and then rams it into the decaying house]
SpongeBob: Uuummmmmm... excuse me, everyone? Not to micromanage or anything, but do any of you actually know how to build a pineapple?!
Sandy: Well of course we do silly. Firstly, every pineapple needs a solid foundation to keep it firmly in place...
Mr. Krabs: Not exactly, Miss Cheeks. A pineapple needs to be mobile, with a strong hull attached in case you need to skip town unexpectedly.
Patrick: Wrong! A pineapple needs a sweet, but tangy flavor. [rips out the board he previously placed in the house, eats the rotten pineapple piece dangling from the end]
SpongeBob: Those are all very great ideas, but...
Sandy: But, arguing ain't gonna get this pineapple fixed. Good point! [slaps SpongeBob on the back] Okay, fellas! From now on, we incorporate everyone's ideas.
Patrick and Mr. Krabs: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Uh, that's not exactly what I had in mind, Sandy... [gets run over by "junk" being pushed out by Sandy]
Sandy: First thing you gotta do is clean out all this old junk.
SpongeBob:[crawls from pile] Sandy, my furniture is perfectly fine.
Mr. Krabs: Heads up! [runs over SpongeBob with a grill] Careful, boy. I thought I'd install a grill in your TV room for those nights where you have to bring work home with you.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I like to watch TV in my TV room.
Sandy: Well, this ain't the TV room, anymore. This is your indoor garden. [proceeds to water plants in the room]
SpongeBob: But, the sofa goes there.
Sandy: Oh, I know. But, isn't this better?
SpongeBob: Gary, do you ever feel like you are not being listened to?
SpongeBob: Sandy, we need to talk.
Sandy: About these columns? Nice, huh? Gives the pineapple an intellectual flavor.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but I kind of liked my pineapple the way it was. I don't need all these fancy- [gets splattered by paint]
Sandy: Sorry, buddy. I-I can't understand you. You've got something in your mouth.
Mr. Krabs:[painting the pineapple with a finishing trowel] Ho ho, kiddo. Look out. Just applying some plaster stucco exterior here.
SpongeBob: [wipes some paint off his mouth] I guess what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with a pineapple that looks like a pineapple.
Gary:[carrying a can] Meow.
SpongeBob:[gasps] Oh, no, Gary! I still haven't fed you. Let's take care of that right now, little bud-
Patrick:[pushes an oblong rock and leans it against the side of SpongeBob's house] It's just not a house without a rock to sleep under.
Sandy: Well, what do you think, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: It's, uh...
Mr. Krabs: Yes?
SpongeBob: It's, uh...
SpongeBob: It's, uh...
Patrick: I'm hungry.
SpongeBob: You all worked very hard.
Mr. Krabs and Patrick: Whoo-hoo!
Mr. Krabs: And, since you're such a satisfied customer, I only charged you double. [Mr. Krabs, Sandy and Patrick all leave]
Sandy: Good job, fellers!
Mr. Krabs: Good work, boy!
Patrick: I'm starving. [chuckles]
[cut to SpongeBob and Gary going inside their new house]
SpongeBob: Well, Gary. Here it is. Our new home. [sits down in a sand chair] Hmmm. This must be Patrick's contribution to the living room. Hey, vintage condiment jugs! Thank you, Mr. Krabs! [presses down on the mustard dispenser, and dry mustard flies out and lands in SpongeBob's eyes in slow motion, burning them] Yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! [He screams in regular motion and runs into a futuristic bathroom] Gary, where's the sink?!
SpongeBob:[washes his face off in a toilet, which flushes] Gary, I don't think that was the sink.
SpongeBob:[sarcastically] Thanks for the futuristic bathroom, Sandy.
[a robot arm grabs SpongeBob and cleans the toilet with him like a real sponge]
SpongeBob: Well, this isn't exactly home sweet pineapple, but I suppose it could be much worse. We still a roof over our heads and food on the table. Hey, that reminds me! You still haven't eaten today, have you? Sorry, buddy. You must be famished. [takes a can off a shelf that Squidward is holding in place]
[Squidward's tentacles slip through the holes in the walls, and he unravels as the stucco falls off the house and everything begins falling apart]
Squidward: Ah! I'm unraveling! [the pineapple collapses to dust] If you ever, and I mean ever- [his neck cracks] Ow! My neck. I'm gonna be in the chiropractor's for a week. [walks away]
SpongeBob: Well, Gary. There's only one thing left to do: [picks up the phone] call and have this place condemned. [dials the phone as Gary leaves to get something] Hello, operator. City hall, please, Office of Broken Dreams.
Gary:[returns with his food can] Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I'm sorry. With all this house ruckus, I completely forgot to feed you. Here you go, buddy. [SpongeBob opens the can, and a huge pineapple house flies out, landing on the pile of remains of SpongeBob's old house. SpongeBob reads what the can says] "Furnished Pineapple in a Can." Oh, Gary! You are the best! [laughs and hugs Gary, ending the episode]