SpongeBob:[holding a pan over the stove] Come on, stovie, pop that corn! [popcorn bag grows enormously huge] Get ready, Gary. [trips over Gary landing in the chair] Incoming! [popcorn bag explodes everywhere]
Gary: Meow. [popcorn ricochets everywhere and piles up to SpongeBob's waist]
SpongeBob: Popcorn is served! [eats a piece of popcorn while music plays on TV]
Medley: That, bro, is trouble at any car wash.
TV Announcer: We will return to "Bikini Bottom Car Wash" after these messages.
Commercial Announcer: Are you boring?
Charlie: Yes, yes I am.
Commercial Announcer: When friends describe you, do they use words like... [words appear as they are being said] "dull!" or "drab!?"
Charlie:[laughs] Don't forget "platitudinous". [word appears over his head. Mystical head floats beside Charlie]
Commercial Announcer: Yes, that too, Charlie. But what if I told you that you can change all that with the magic of... magic! [turns Charlie into a magician]
Charlie:[laughs] I look like some kind of magician. Now people won't ignore me.
Commercial Announcer: Let's hope not, Charlie. With my "Mister Magic Magical Magic Kit", even you can impress and amaze your friends.
SpongeBob:[holds on to the TV] I want to impress and amaze my friends!
Commercial Announcer: Just send $19.95 to me, Mister Magic. [SpongeBob puts an envelope into the mail slot then takes the post office mail can and stuffs it in 'Outgoing Mail']
Narrator: 4 to 6 weeks later.
Mailman: One magic kit and another one of these yellow things. [stuffs both into SpongeBob's mailbox then drives off]
SpongeBob:[gets out of his mailbox and rips the packaging off the box that came in the mail] Here it is: Mister Magic's Magical Magic Kit. [opens the box and gasps] Look at all this! A book of spells, my very own wand of whimsy, the beard of Rasputin, and, of course, the all-important license to practice magic. [notices Squidward to the side slurping a drink] Squidward! He'll appreciate my newly delivered skill.
Squidward: Brine soda, low-fast seaweed crisps, cool jazz. [eats a seaweed crisp] Mm, mm, Squidward you have done it. You have officially spoiled yourself rotten.
SpongeBob: Well, let the rotting continue, friend, while I impress and amaze you with...magic!
Squidward: Magic? Can you make yourself disappear, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:[laughs] Silly Squidward. I won't learn vanishing spells until I become a level 10 wizard. [Squidward's eye twitches] No, I better start with something simpler. [gets out a deck of cards] Say card conjuring. [Squidward is now depressed more than ever] Here, hold this simple, playing card while I transform it into a magic playing card before your very eyes. Let's see... [reads his book of spells] step 1...
Squidward:[sighs] This can't possibly end soon.
SpongeBob: Which brings us to... step three. Juggle something. Well, if you insist Mister Magic. [juggles the three balls in and out of his holes on his body]
Squidward:[steps onto the bus that just pulled up] I don't care where I'm going, just take me away from here. [bus drives off]
SpongeBob: Then take one card and shove it in your ear. [does so. A car drives by with Tom in the driver's seat and his son Monroe in the passenger seat bawling]
Monroe: I don't like pistachio!
Tom: Then why did you ask for it? [drives into a bump which causes the ice cream to fly out the car and into Squidward's lawn chair. Monroe starts crying loudly]
[Pistachio ice-cream cone lands in Squidward's sunbathing chair]
SpongeBob: And finally, say the words "Hobris-Pobris". [gasps] Squidward! My simple card-trick has turned you into an ice-cream cone. Which means... I am a level ten wizard! I suppose I should change you back to squid form. [looks at his book of spells] Presto! [nothing happens] Uh, let's see. Umm... A-ha! Alakazam! [gasps] Abracadabra. [gasps] Okilee-dokilee. Hobra-cobra. Oh! Open sesame. Change-o back-o to Squidward-o, please-o? Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward. [sniffs] I've transformed you into a delicious dairy dessert and I can't change you back! There, there, Squidward. There is no need to cry. I promise you will continue your normal life despite the fact that you are now edible. [cut to "The Reef" where SpongeBob and Squidward, as an ice-cream cone, are watching a movie. Ice-cream cone tilts over into SpongeBob's arm and makes him smile. Cut to SpongeBob reading Squidward a story. Cut to the beach where SpongeBob and Squidward are lying on a towel trying to get a tan. SpongeBob looks over and notices melting ice cream cone] Whoa oh! [a beach goer, trying to catch a Frisbee, slips in the ice-cream cone. SpongeBob screams then runs over to Squidward] Speak to me. Speak! [breathes heavily as he runs to his house and puts the cone in the freezer] Hey Squid, are you okay? [closes freezer door then reopens it] Hey Squid, are you still okay? [winks then closes door and reopens it again screaming then laughing] Hey Squidward, I got something for you! Someone to keep you company in that drab ol' freezer. [set a pink ice-cream cone next to Squidward] Oh, aren't they cute? I promise to stand by as an eternal guard over my buddy.
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob, whatcha doing?
SpongeBob: I have turned poor Squidward into a frozen dessert.
Patrick: That's awful. How tragic. Poor Squidward.
SpongeBob: It's all my fault.
Patrick: Did you say frozen dessert? [takes the green ice-cream cone out of the freezer]
SpongeBob: Yeah. I turned him into a tasty soft-serve with a waffle cone. [cries]
Patrick: Oh...soft serve. [licks ice cream cone]
SpongeBob:[yells as he points to the ice cream] Patrick! Stop eating Squidward!
Patrick: Oh, sorry. [licks it a few more times]
SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick licks it again] Pat...!!
Patrick: But he's so tasty! [licks it more faster. SpongeBob screams, then he snatches the cone away from Patrick]
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick!! Don't you understand!? [calmly] This isn't just your ordinary ice-cream cone.
Patrick: It's pistachio.
SpongeBob:[frustrated] No! It's Squidward! [ice cream begins to melt as SpongeBob is unaware] And no matter what happens, I promised him that I would watch over him to ensure his soft, frozen life is unchanged. [Patrick is licking the melted ice cream off the floor. SpongeBob screams again, believing that his friend was deceased.] Patrick! Squidward has Melted! Quick, call the police. What am I going to do?! Oh, Neptune, it's all my fault! What have I done?! What have I done?! [screams and hits himself in the face with the magic kit each time] It's all your fault! [throws the magic kit on the ground and stomps on it] Curse you, Mister Magic's Magical Magic Kit! Curse you! Hey, that's it! That's the answer to our problems!
Patrick:[examines the torn box] Warning: From ages 9 to 99.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, the one mystic being that can help us: Mister Magic! [cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down a brown tileroad] Just follow the brown-tiled road to the most mysterious mystic of them all! No one's ever seen him in person.
Deep Male Voice: Enter! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a floating hat] Who dares to see Mister Magic? [SpongeBob and Patrick are screaming] Speak up!
SpongeBob: It is I, SpongeBob of the SquarePants, Magician Level 1. And I have turned my friend into ice-cream. [he shows him the cone floating in the melted green goo inside a jar, which is his "deceased friend"]
Mister Magic:[proudly] Good job.
SpongeBob: Well, thank you, but well, I can't change him back.
Mister Magic: Hmmm, um, well, have you ever thought of a different hobby?
SpongeBob: I need your help to change him back.
Mister Magic: My help? [sheepishly] Uh, no thank you.
SpongeBob:[still concerned] But if you don't my friend will be a cone forever.
Mister Magic: Sorry, I... umm... I'm out to lunch, that's it.
SpongeBob: I'll wait.
Mister Magic: I'm on a two-year lunch.
SpongeBob:[still showing the jar] Oh, please.
Mister Magic: Silence! [Patrick notices something near the wall and walks to it]
SpongeBob: But, sir, no one else has your power of sorcery. [Patrick opens the curtain to reveal someone behind it making Mister Magic noises]
Mister Magic: Thank...you.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, there's a guy over here talking into a tubey thing.
Fish #1: Uhh, ignore your friend. The fish you see is only an illusion.
Mister Magic:[simultaneously with Fish #1] Uhh, ignore your friend. The fish you see is only an illusion.
Patrick: Why's he saying the same thing Mister Magic's saying?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Who are you, good sir?
Fish #1: Well, I... uh... I'm Horace B. Magic.
SpongeBob: Are you Mister Magic?
Fish #1:[chuckles] Technically, yes. But the only magic around here is the magic of business. [shows a bunch of dollar bills]
SpongeBob: Does that mean you can't change my friend back?
Fish #1:[chuckles] I'm, I'm afraid not. So sorry about that, laddie. Your refund check is in the mail.
SpongeBob: I don't need a refund, I want my friend back! This isn't about money. You're nothing but a fake--just a lying, corporate businessman, tainting the purity of magic with your corrupt commercial ways! [his eyes tear up] You have ruined my faith in the magical arts. [screaming, crying]
Fish #1:[frowns] Security. [SpongeBob and Patrick are booted out. Cut to both of them by Squidward's lawn chair with SpongeBob still crying over the "funeral" held for "Squidward"]
SpongeBob:[tears roll down his cheeks] What are we going to do about Squidward?
Patrick: We could always eat him. I'm kind of hungry. [stomach growls]
SpongeBob: Mister Magic was a fake and all his magic stuff is fake! All those magic words, they were fake. Yacky, shmacky, bappy, dappy, doppy, blabby, flabby, murkery, fool, magic of bloob-jiggacacies!... [continues to speak gibberish as a bus drives up and Squidward steps off, grinning in a friendly manner. He walks over to the lawn chair with the jar and the melted green ice cream, much to his disgust]
Squidward: Ew. [throws the jar with the cone in it away. The jar breaks] What are you doing, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:[stops crying] Squidward! You're back. The magic words worked. [puts on his magician hat] I really am magical after all. Can I turn you into something else, now? [motorcycle approaches]
Squidward: Hey, stop! [motorcycle stops and Squidward jumps on it] Get me out of here!
Patrick:[stomach growls] Hey SpongeBob? I'm still hungry. Can you turn me into a jar of mayonnaise so I can eat myself?
SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Patrick-a mayonnaise-ica. [Patrick is now a giant jar of mayonnaise. The jar sparkles]