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Hocus Pocus (transcript)

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Transcript Information
Hocus Pocus
General
Season №: 4
Episode №: 76b
Airdate: January 15, 2007
Chronology
Previous: The Thing
Next: Driven to Tears
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, "Hocus Pocus" from season four, which aired on January 15, 2007.

  • SpongeBob: [holding a pan over the stove] Come on, stovie, pop that corn! [popcorn bag grows enormously huge] Get ready, Gary. [trips over Gary landing in the chair] Incoming! [popcorn bag explodes everywhere]
  • Gary: Meow. [popcorn ricochets everywhere and piles up to SpongeBob's waist]
  • SpongeBob: Popcorn is served! [eats a piece of popcorn while music plays on TV]
  • Medley: That, bro, is trouble at any car wash.
  • TV Announcer: We will return to "Bikini Bottom Car Wash" after these messages.
  • Commercial Announcer: Are you boring?
  • Charlie: Yes, yes I am.
  • Commercial Announcer: When friends describe you, do they use words like... [words appear as they are being said] "dull!" or "drab!?"
  • Charlie: [laughs] Don't forget "platitudinous". [word appears over his head. Mystical head floats beside Charlie]
  • Commercial Announcer: Yes, that too, Charlie. But what if I told you that you can change all that with the magic of...magic! [turns Charlie into a magician]
  • Charlie: [laughs] I look like some kind of magician. Now people won't ignore me.
  • Commercial Announcer: Let's hope not, Charlie. With my "Mister Magic Magical Magic Kit", even you can impress and amaze your friends.
  • SpongeBob: [holds on to the TV] I want to impress and amaze my friends!
  • Commercial Announcer: Just send $19.95 to me, Mister Magic. [SpongeBob puts an envelope into the mail slot then takes the post office mail can and stuffs it in 'Outgoing Mail']
  • Narrator: 4 to 6 weeks later.
  • Mailman: One magic kit and another one of these yellow things. [stuffs both into SpongeBob's mailbox then drives off]
  • SpongeBob: [gets out of his mailbox and rips the packaging off the box that came in the mail] Here it is: Mister Magic's Magical Magic Kit. [opens the box and gasps] Look at all this! A book of spells, my very own wand of whimsy, the beard of Rasputin, and, of course, the all-important license to practice magic. [notices Squidward to the side slurping a drink] Squidward! He'll appreciate my newly delivered skill.
  • Squidward: Brine soda, low-fast seaweed crisps, cool jazz. [eats a seaweed crisp] Mm, mm, Squidward you have done it. You have officially spoiled yourself rotten.
  • SpongeBob: Well, let the rotting continue, friend, while I impress and amaze you with...magic!
  • Squidward: Magic? Can you make yourself disappear, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Silly Squidward. I won't learn vanishing spells until I become a level 10 wizard. [Squidward's eye twitches] No, I better start with something simpler. [gets out a deck of cards] Say card conjuring. [Squidward is now depressed more than ever] Here, hold this simple, playing card while I transform it into a magic playing card before your very eyes. Let's see... [reads his book of spells] step 1...
  • Squidward: [sighs] This can't possibly end soon.
  • SpongeBob: Which brings us to... step three. Juggle something. Well, if you insist Mister Magic. [juggles the three balls in and out of his holes on his body]
  • Squidward: [steps onto the bus that just pulled up] I don't care where I'm going, just take me away from here. [bus drives off]
  • SpongeBob: Then take one card and shove it in your ear. [does so. A car drives by with the dad in the drivers seat and his son in the passenger seat bawling]
  • Kid: BUT I DON'T LIKE PISTACHIO!!!!!
  • Tom: Then why did you ask for it? [drives into a bump which causes the ice cream to fly out the car and into Squidward's lawn chair. Kid starts crying loudly]
  • SpongeBob: And finally, say the words "Hobris-Pobris". [gasps] Squidward! My simple card-trick has turned you into an ice- cream cone. Which means...I am a level ten wizard! I suppose I should change you back to squid form. [looks at his book of spells] Presto! [nothing happens] Uh, let's see. Alakazam! [gasps] Abracadabra. [gasps] Okilee-dokilee. Hobra-cobra. Oh! Open sesame. Change-o back-o to Squidward-o, please-o? Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward. [sniffs] I've transformed you into a delicious dairy dessert and I can't change you back! There, there, Squidward. There is no need to cry. I promise you will continue your normal life despite the fact that you are now edible. [cut to "The Reef" where SpongeBob and Squidward, as an ice-cream cone, are watching a movie. Ice-cream cone tilts over into SpongeBob's arm and makes him smile. Cut to SpongeBob reading Squidward a story. Cut to the beach where SpongeBob and Squidward are lying on a towel trying to get a tan. SpongeBob looks over and notices melting ice cream cone] Whoa oh! [a beach goer, trying to catch a frisbee, slips in the ice-cream cone. SpongeBob screams then runs over to Squidward] Speak to me. Speak! [breathes heavily as he runs to his house and puts the cone in the freezer] Hey Squid, are you okay? [closes freezer door then reopens it] Hey Squid, are you still okay? [winks then closes door and reopens it again screaming then laughing] Hey Squidward, I got something for you! Someone to keep you company in that drab ol' freezer. [set a pink ice-cream cone next to Squidward] Oh, aren't they cute? I promise to stand by as an eternal guard over my buddy.
  • Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob, whatcha doing?
  • SpongeBob: I have turned poor Squidward into a frozen dessert.
  • Patrick: That's awful. How tragic. Poor Squidward.
  • SpongeBob: It's all my fault.
  • Patrick: Did you say frozen dessert? [takes the green ice-cream cone out of the freezer]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah. I turned him into a tasty soft-serve with a waffle cone. [cries]
  • Patrick: Oh...soft serve. [licks ice cream cone]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! Stop eating Squidward!
  • Patrick: Oh, sorry. [licks it a few more times]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick licks it again] Pat...!!
  • Patrick: But he's so tasty! [licks it many more times before SpongeBob takes it]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, don't you understand?! This isn't just your ordinary ice-cream cone.
  • Patrick: It's pistachio.
  • SpongeBob: No!!! It's Squidward!! [ice cream begins to melt] And no matter what happens, I promised him that I would watch over him to ensure his soft, frozen life is unchanged. [Patrick is licking the melted ice cream off the floor] Patrick! Squidward has melted! Quick, call the police. What am I going to do?! Oh, Neptune, it's all my fault! What have I done?! What have I done?! [screams and hits himself with the magic kit] It's all your fault! [throws the magic kit on the ground and stomps on it] Curse you, Mister Magic's Magical Magic Kit!! Curse you!!! Hey, that's it! That's the answer to our problems!
  • Patrick: Warning: From ages 9 to 99.
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick, the one mystic being that can help us: Mister Magic! [cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down a road] Just follow the brown-tiled road to the most mysterious mystic of them all. No one's ever seen him in person.
  • Voice: Enter! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a floating hat] Who dares to see Mister Magic? [SpongeBob and Patrick are screaming] Speak up!
  • SpongeBob: It is I, SpongeBob of the SquarePants, Magician Level One. And I have turned my friend into ice-cream.
  • Mister Magic: Good job.
  • SpongeBob: Well, thank you, but well, I can't change him back.
  • Mister Magic: Hmmm, um, well, have you ever thought of a different hobby?
  • SpongeBob: I need your help to change him back.
  • Mister Magic: My help? Uh, no thank you.
  • SpongeBob: But if you don't my friend will be a cone forever.
  • Mister Magic: Sorry, I... umm... I'm out to lunch, that's it.
  • SpongeBob: I'll wait.
  • Mister Magic: I'm on a two-year lunch.
  • SpongeBob: No, please.
  • Mister Magic: Silence! [Patrick notices something near the wall and walks to it]
  • SpongeBob: But, sir, no one else has your power of sorcery. [Patrick opens the curtain to reveal someone behind it making Mister Magic noises]
  • Mister Magic: Thank...you.
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, there's a guy over here talking into a tubey thing.
  • Mister Magic: Uhh, ignore your friend. The fish you see is only an illusion.
  • Patrick: Why's he saying the same thing Mister Magic's saying?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Who are you, good sir?
  • Fish #1: Well, I... uh... I'm Horace B. Magic.
  • SpongeBob: Are you Mister Magic?
  • Fish #1: [chuckles] Technically, yes. But the only magic around here is the magic of business.
  • SpongeBob: Does that mean you can't change my friend back?
  • Fish #1: [chuckles] I'm, I'm afraid not. So sorry about that, laddie. Your refund check is in the mail.
  • SpongeBob: I don't need a refund, I want my friend back! This isn't about money. You're nothing but a fake. Just a lying, corporate businessman, tainting the purity of magic with your corrupt commercial ways. You have ruined my faith in the magical arts. [screaming cry]
  • Fish #1: Security. [SpongeBob and Patrick are booted out. Cut to both of them by Squidward's lawn chair with SpongeBob still crying]
  • SpongeBob: What are we going to do about Squidward?
  • Patrick: We could always eat him. I'm kind of hungry. [stomach growls]
  • SpongeBob: Mister Magic was a fake and all his magic stuff is fake! All those magic words, they were fake. Yacky, shmacky, bappy, dappy, doppy, goffy, boffy... [speaks gibberish as a bus drives up and Squidward steps off]
  • Squidward: Eww. [throws the jar with the cone in it away] What are you doing, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward! You're back. The magic words worked. [puts on his magician hat] I really am magical after all. Can I turn you into something else, now? [motorcycle approaches]
  • Squidward: Hey, stop! [motorcycle stops and Squidward jumps on it] Get me out of here!
  • Patrick: [stomach growls] Hey SpongeBob? I'm still hungry. Can you turn me into a jar of mayonnaise so I can eat myself?
  • SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Patrick-a mayonnaise-icka. [Patrick is now a jar of mayonnaise]
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