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Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy VI The Motion Picture 123
"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'"

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hello Bikini Bottom!" from season 8, which aired on October 8, 2012.

  • [The episode opens on Squidward's house. Squidward is standing at his window, drinking tea.]
  • Squidward: [slurps] Maybe I'll... practice my clarinet. [sets his tea aside and picks up his clarinet] Ah-he-he-hem. [starts playing a jazzy tune on his clarinet]
  • SpongeBob: [overhears Squidward playing on his clarinet] Kind of sounds like Squidward's practicing his clarinet over there. Doesn't it, Gary? [Gary has disappeared] Gary? Well, I can't just stand by and let him practice alone. Then what kind of a friend and neighbor would I be? Not the kind that I... [metal tinges and takes out guitar]...would want.
  • [Squidward continues playing his clarinet until SpongeBob opens his window and he starts to play along. Squidward stops playing his clarinet after noticing SpongeBob.]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, neighbor!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward continue playing together until Squidward blows his clarinet out of his mouth.]
  • Squidward: [growls and gibbers angrily]
  • SpongeBob: Should we take it from the top?
  • Squidward: The day I willingly practice my musical art with you is the day I grow hair on my...[notices a fish clapping]
  • Colonel Carper: Like, bravo, man! Bravo!
  • Squidward: And who might you be?
  • Colonel Carper: ♪ I'm glad you asked! I'll make it perfectly clear, I'm the guy you made smile from ear to ear. 'Cause the sweet sound's coming from this here direction the entire ocean should hear! Now what I am promoting to you, is somethin' I feel is my duty to do. I'm not just some admirin' passerby, I want to be your concert-promoting manager guy! ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ Are you serious? Is this a dream? ♪
  • Colonel Carper: ♪ Colonel Carper's the name, I think we'll make a great team! You and your musical compadre up there, are the next big thing, I do solemnly swear! So... what are we waitin' for? It's high tide time we go on tour! Together, we'll set sail on a magical musical journey, where you'll play for at least a trillion and that guy on the gurney. Screaming fans will insistently clap their hands for more, as you fly though the air, during your fourth encooorrre! And remember to bring your rake, 'cause Neptune only knows the money you'll make! ♪
  • Mr. Krabs: [runs out of his house] ♪ Did someone said money? I could swear that's what I heard, I got super sensitive hearing when it comes to that word! ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ Yes, he said money, but more importantly, he said fa-aa-ans! And not the type that blows air when you're feeling too hot, the type that wants your autograph on everything they got! ♪
  • Incidental 106: [rips out his underwear] Signature, Mr. Tentacles?
  • SpongeBob: ♪ And I heard the word "team" which is special to me-ee! 'Cause through the power of music there's no way we won't get too bond together with this special duet! ♪
  • SpongeBob and Colonel Carper: ♪ So... what are we waitin' for? It's high tide time we went on tour! ♪
  • Squidward: Uh, excuse me? Is there anyway I get to do this tour as a soloist?
  • Colonel Carper: Hmm, let me think about that for a second... None! ♪ Whatsoever...! The tour must consist, and I do persist, of the tall one with halitosis and the square one with the talented wrist! ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ A dream wrapped in pain. I don't know whether to smile or pout. ♪
  • Mr. Krabs: ♪ Excuse me, Colonel! I'll be taking over from here on out! ♪
  • Colonel Carper: ♪ But it was I who discovered this soon-to-be famous pair, and I'm the one who knows what it takes to get them there! You'll need a tour bus, venue, gotta build up buzz, you'll need equipment and roadies, too. I'm the expert of all things, concert-promotionally speaking, you have no inkling, you have no clue! ♪
  • Mr. Krabs: [writes a list of the things Colonel Carper said] ♪ Thanks for all the great tips, I think you should be on your way. Goodbye, good luck, have a nice day! So... what are we waitin' for? It's high tide time we went on tour! ♪
  • [The song ends.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Up and at 'em, boys! We got a tour to put on!
  • [Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, where she's repairing the school busmobile.]
  • Mrs. Puff: [Comes from under the bus] Phew...changing the oil in the school busmobile sure is a pain in the...[hears the bus turn on]...What the--?! [oil sprays in her face and the bus drives off. Mrs. Puff chases after the bus.] Stop! Thief!
  • [The bus stops at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs exits the bus and enters the Krusty Krab]
  • Mr. Krabs: Mornin', Squidward! [grabs a ladder, takes a speaker off of the wooden beam, and throws it on the floor] Tour bus, sound equipment, check! All I need now is a... "roadie". Now where in Neptune how I'm ever gonna find a--
  • Patrick: [enters carrying a boatmobile] Somebody left this thing laying around the parking lot.
  • Mr. Krabs: Roadie! Check!
  • [Bubble transition to the Ned and the Needlefish concert with Mr. Krabs driving to the outside of it.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Here we are, boys! Our first gig! All those people are lined up to see you!
  • Squidward: Sounds like a load of hooey...
  • Mr. Krabs: Alright, roadie, start unloading the hooey! [walks off the bus with Patrick]
  • Patrick: [holding the speaker] Uh, Mr. Krabs? Where do I put this?
  • Mr. Krabs: [writing on clipboard] Anywhere is fine.
  • Patrick: Then what about this? [still holding the same speaker]
  • SpongeBob: Hey! Look! It's Ned and the Needlefish!
  • [Ned and the Needlefish exit from their bus. The crowd cheers for them as they walk past them and enter the building.]
  • Colonel Carper: [approaches Mr. Krabs] Well, well, well! If it isn't that guy that stole my band! I hope you aren't here to steal THIS band, too! Because THIS time around, I'll be ready for ya!
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, that's very interesting, Colonel Carper! But right now, my band and I are on a world tour! And tonight, we're opening for Ned and the Needlefish!
  • Colonel Carper: [laughs heavily]
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah...eh, what's so funny!?
  • Colonel Carper: You are! And the fact that you think you have any idea what it takes to put on a musical tour!
  • Mr. Krabs: We have a tour bus, sound equipment, a roadie!
  • Colonel Carper: You call that a tour bus? [walks over to Patrick who is still holding the speaker] You call this sound equipment? That's not a roadie, these are roadies! [points over to two very large and muscular fish standing beside Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ahhhh!
  • Colonel Carper: I'll tell you what, I'll let you open for Ned and the Needlefish on one condition: My roadies get to sabotage your sound equipment and have it blow up during your sound check!
  • Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute... what's that gonna cost me?
  • Colonel Carper: Oh, that'll be free!
  • Mr. Krabs: [shakes Carper's fin] Deal!
  • [Bubble transition to inside the building, where Squidward is about to play his clarinet onstage while Mr. Krabs stands by.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay, Mr. Squidward. Take it from the top! [Squidward starts playing a tune on his clarinet, but the speaker overhead soon explodes] Doggone it...
  • Colonel Carper: [laughs] Now you don't have any sound equipment! Unlike me, who has this entire wall of speakers you see right behind me! Hah hah hah! Now your whole tour is ruined! [he starts laughing hysterically; Mr. Krabs pushes away his wall of speakers behind him, without him noticing] Seriously! I can't... I can't take it! It's too much! [falls on the ground laughing. Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs driving the bus.]
  • SpongeBob: It sure was nice of that Colonel Carper guy to let us borrow his entire wall of sound equipment, wasn't it Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, here we are! Our next gig! [stops at a supermarket]
  • Squidward: We're performing at a supermarket? Driver, turn this bus around! The tour is canceled! Head straight back to the Krusty Krab!
  • Mr. Krabs: Sorry, Squidward, but that is physically impossible.
  • Squidward: What!?
  • Mr. Krabs: Because it's not there anymore.
  • SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab's not there anymore?! Where'd it go?
  • Mr. Krabs: I pawned it! To raise the cash for the concert tour!
  • SpongeBob: [his ears explode] You did what?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, hard to believe, I know! My heard aches when I think of me old girl, cold and lonely. Just sitting in the front window of that dirty pawn shop at the mercy of any random joe who just happens by.
  • [Cut to the pawn shop. Plankton is walking down the sidewalk, whistling. He gasps in shock when he notices the Krusty Krab behind the pawn shop's window.]
  • Plankton: Hoppin' hamburger stands! I gotta go home and get my wallet!
  • [Cut back to the tour bus.]
  • Squidward: It's not even my restaurant and somehow I regret that decision.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey! Now quit your worryin' back there! With the success we're about to have, we'll be able to buy ten Krusty Krabs!
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward in the supermarket about to perform with their instruments, with several speakers behind them.]
  • Squidward: A-one! And a-two! And a-one, two, three, four! [he and SpongeBob start playing together as the rest of the customers starts using food items to play along with the music, including Patrick, who rubs two chips together. When SpongeBob stop playing, the customers go on with their shopping] Thank you! Thank you very much! [notices the people all leaving] Oh, come on! Nothing!?
  • Mr. Krabs: What a happy celebration!
  • Dwight T. Wad: I most certainly agree!
  • Mr. Krabs: Thank you, Mr...[Reads the crab's nametag]...Supermarket Manager.
  • Dwight T. Wad: Here you go! [Gives Mr. Krabs a piece of paper]
  • Mr. Krabs: What's this? Our pay check?
  • Dwight T. Wad: Nope! It's a bill! [walks off]
  • Mr. Krabs: What?
  • [Bubble transition to the Shady Lanes retirement home.]
  • Squidward: You're kidding me, right?! We're performing at a retirement home?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry, Squidward! These geezers really know how to party!
  • Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, they got one foot in the rave. [laughs at his own joke] Reaper jokes.
  • [Cut to inside of the retirement home, where the workers of the retirement home are carting several old people in their wheelchairs up to where Squidward and SpongeBob are about to perform.]
  • Squidward: Two, three, four! [stops as another old fish is carted in] Two, three, four! [starts performing the song with SpongeBob until they are stopped by one of the old people, Ernesto Blindfish]
  • Ernesto Blindfish: Too loud! You're playin' too loud!
  • SpongeBob: [quietly] Sorry, sir.
  • Squidward: [quietly] Okay, two, three, four... [starts playing quietly with SpongeBob, but they are stopped again by Ernesto]
  • Ernesto: Too loud! Still too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob play one note] Still too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob put their hands up] Too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob put their instruments down] Too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob walk away] Too... loud!
  • Cut back to the tour bus.]
  • Squidward: Supermarket openings, retirement homes! What's next, a child's birthday party?!
  • [Just as Squidward dreaded, the bus arrives at a child's birthday party. He, Mr. Krabs, and SpongeBob get off the bus as children chase after several jellyfish past them.]
  • Squidward: This is our worst gig yet! Children's parties! Well, if this is the way this tour is being organized, then I would like to--[feels a sharp pain] Owww! [sees that a kid playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" has stuck a paper donkey tail on a nail on his rear] I am not a donkey-fish!
  • [After the commercial break, we see Mr. Krabs' tour bus, where SpongeBob and Patrick are resting on Squidward.]'
  • Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick off of him] Mr. Krabs, how much farther is it to the next town?
  • Mr. Krabs: [reading a map] Uh... not too much farther, Squidward, uh... Oh, in fact, we're just entering it now! [turns on a sign that literally says "Next Town"]
  • Squidward: Well, if this concert is anywhere near terrible as the other ones, then it's gonna be my last! [Mr. Krabs parks at a building called "Electronics Outhouse"] What the... Electronics Outhouse?! Goodbye! [tries to leave the bus but Mr. Krabs quickly closes the door on his face]
  • Mr. Krabs: This ain't our next concert!
  • Squidward: Well then, where is it!?
  • Mr. Krabs: It's uh... uh... um... [he, Squidward, and SpongeBob notice a crowd heading toward a stadium] Well, it's right over there obviously! [drives to the stadium with a large sign reading "Ned and the Needlefish Today" on it; Squidward, SpongeBob, and Patrick get off the bus] I'll just leave the three of you right here to get set up, I got some important tour management business to attend to, you know? Heh.
  • Squidward: Hold it! This better not be one of your tricks, Mr. Krabs!
  • [Mr. Krabs stares blankly at Squidward as the bus door closes on him. Mr. Krabs drives back to the "Next Town" sign. He comes out of the bus, whistling with a ladder and several tools. After climbing up to the sign, he hammers something on it, goes back into the bus, then drives off. Ned and the Needlefish are driving down the road, when they notice the sign.]
  • Band Member 1: Hey, look, man! "Ned and the Needlefish, Next Turn."
  • Ned: Whoa. It's like a sign from... a sign, man. [he turns the bus around the sign, and stops at the Electronics Outhouse] Wow... We have really moved down in the world.
  • [Cut to the stadium where a large anticipating crowd of fish are waiting for the performance; Squidward is peering out the curtain. SpongeBob walks up while tuning his ukelele.]
  • SpongeBob: Isn't this the most exciting experience of your entire life, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Yeah. I've never thought I'd get to perform for so many fans!
  • SpongeBob: Oh? Are there people showing up?
  • Squidward: Isn't... that... what you we’re talking about? [the curtains and he smiles and he hears the crowd cheering]
  • Crowd: [chanting "Ned and the Needlefish!"]
  • Squidward: Ah, just soak that in, Squiddy, old boy! Pretty invigorating, isn't it? Wait a minute. Why are they chanting "Ned and the Needlefish"?
  • SpongeBob: No, can't you hear them, Squidward? They're saying "Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward and SpongeBob! [the lights turn on on them] Squidward and SpongeBob! [the crowd stops chanting when they see Squidward and SpongeBob] Squidward..." [notices the crowd of people staring at them]
  • Incidental 40: That doesn't look like Ned and the Needlefish! [he along with the crowd starts booing]
  • Squidward: Wait! I know what you came here for! [starts to play on his clarinet with SpongeBob playing along with his ukelele] Well?
  • Incidental 40: Chase 'em off stage!
  • Squidward: Uh-oh... [he and SpongeBob run away as the crowd chases them down. Cut to the Electronics Outhouse, where Ned and the Needlefish are performing; Ned is yelling a sustained note. Just then, a customer walks up to them.]
  • Bert: Excuse me? Could on of you show me how to use this multimeter?
  • Ned: Uh...he probably can... [points to one of his band members]
  • Bert: Thanks. [shows his multimeter to the band member]
  • [Bubble transition to Colonel Carper furiously storming up to Mr. Krabs.]
  • Colonel Carper: [furious] Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [puts on a fake mustache] Do I know you?
  • Colonel Carper: [blows off Mr. Krabs' mustache with his yelling] Colonel Carper!
  • Mr. Krabs: Were we in the Navy together?
  • Colonel Carper: No, we were not!
  • Mr. Krabs: Whew, that's good! 'Cause for a second there, I thought that maybe...
  • Colonel Carper: Your shenanigans, sir, are at an end! Oh, yes! And you will be receivin' a friendly little phone call from my attorney. Because I am suin' you for every last dime!
  • [Bubble transition to Carper's roadies taking back his sound equipment.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute! Where do you think you're goin' with your own equipment!?
  • Patrick: Hey, thanks again, fellas! Huh. Nice guys like them don't come around much these days. They even redecorated the tour busmobile for us! [Mr. Krabs sees that the bus has "LOSERS" in graffiti painted on it]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: How'd the show go, boy?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, the crowd went wild, sir!
  • Squidward: In fact, they're still going wild... [the angry crowd runs out of the studio, coming toward the band]
  • Mr. Krabs: Quick! On the bus! [he along with Squidward and SpongeBob run onto the bus and drive away from the crowd]
  • Squidward: Well, that wasn't a complete waste of time... Oh, no, wait, it was.
  • Mr. Krabs: [starts to cry] Now I'll never get me ol' Krusty Krab out of hock! [cries]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • [The bus swerves off the road. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick scream as the bus drives off a cliff and lands on the ground. The bus tumbles across the ground as it lands. The gang gets off the bus to inspect the flat tire.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Good news, boys! We only sustained a flat tire. [SpongeBob smiles at Squidward, but Squidward just scowls] Patrick, go get the spare, lad.
  • Patrick: Uh... oh! Yeah, I can't.
  • Squidward: What do you mean you can't?
  • Patrick: Well...
  • Squidward: No, no! Wait! Let me guess: You ate the spare tire?
  • Patrick: Wow. You're good at guessing.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, why didn't you just ask me? [takes out a small plastic bag with very small tires in it] You know I always bring some tiny snack-size tires for in-between meals. You know, I'm kinda hungry now actually. [eats one of the tires] Hmm... Squidward? They're fat-free.
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I'd like some money for cab fare.
  • Mr. Krabs: But, Mr. Squidward!
  • Squidward: But nothing. I'm going home. Now put some cash in my hands so I...
  • Mr. Krabs: [cries and hugs Squidward] But I don't have any money left! Not even a nickel! It's all gone! Me Krusty Krab is gone!
  • Squidward: [pushes Mr. Krabs away, leaving him to sob with his face on the ground] Forget it! I'll just walk. [starts to walk away from the others]
  • SpongeBob: Wait! Squidward! Squidward! [runs after Squidward] You can't go! Please! Don't you see? The Krusty Krab needs us more than ever!
  • Squidward: I could care less what the Krusty Krab needs! [moves SpongeBob away] Now, get out of my way! [walks into a cactus] Ow. [the cactus falls on him] Ow. [screams in pain as the cactus peels off of him] Owww! Ow...
  • SpongeBob: Squidward! Are you okay?
  • Squidward: Get your hands off me! [walks into another cactus and bumps into a third one] Agh! Ooh! D'aaaaaah! [the cactuses peel off of him; Squidward brushes himself off]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward?
  • Squidward: Don't.[walks off into the sunset]
  • SpongeBob: [walks back to the bus with tears in his eyes, climbs on top, takes out his ukulele, and starts playing it]♪ Squidward... you must look inward. And then I'm sure that you will see what an awesome band we still could be! Please! Oh, please, don't quit on us now! I cannot allow this to be our last bow! Now now now! No no no! Nay nay nay! Neh neh neh! Ne-ne-neeeever give up! Don't ever give up! We can't let Mr. Krabs go bankrupt! We must keep busy! Never giving uuuuuu-uuuuup...! ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ How did I not see this plan was a failure from the start? Being around SpongeBob is bad for my heart! And that's not even the worst part! Supermarkets, retirement homes, birthday parties for kids! My career in music really feels like it has hit the skids! I give up! There is no point! I give up! Mr. Krabs will have to go bankrupt, while I'm busy, bitterly giving up! ♪
  • SpongeBob: ♪ Don't you see? Mr. Krabs needs us terribly! We've got it in us to be a huge success! You and I can't settle for le-ess! I... promised myself not to shed this tear. ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ It's getting really cold out here and I'm four hundred miles from home it would appear! And my feet are hurting, oh, dear, I fear this tentacle-itis is pretty severe...! ♪
  • Squidward's Foot: ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah...! ♪
  • Squidward: ♪ I should probably give up, on this giving up today! This is the part I turn around and play! ♪
  • SpongeBob: ♪ This is the part where I stand up and play! ♪
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: ♪ Take a deep breath in an emotional way! [they both take a deep breath] 'Cause with my instrument is how I say...! ♪ [They both play their respective instruments in a duet as they reunite at the top of the bus. As they finish performing, they both explode. As the song ends, they come back onscreen.]
  • Squidward: Wow. That was actually kind of... good! [just then, they notice a large crowd of fish cheering for them down below]
  • Incidental 40: Amazing!
  • Incidental 27: Fantastic!
  • Mr. Krabs: Unbelievable! They've actually gathered a crowd! To think all these people came out to the middle of the desert to see Squidward and SpongeBob!
  • Patrick: Or... they came to see the meteor shower that passes through the Aurora Borealis, generating a stunning, once-in-a-lifetime light show.
  • Crowd: [watching the meteor shower passing through the Aurora Borealis in the sky] Oooh... ah....
  • Mr. Krabs: [sets up a stand for the fish to pay to watch the light show in the sky] Thank you! Come again, please! [puts money in the cash register, then in a bag of money; he laughs as he leaves the stand and walks up to Squidward and SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Look! It's Mr. Krabs! Squidward and I just performed for an crowd of adoring fans!
  • Mr. Krabs: That's nice! I just made more money than I know what to do with! [laughs]
  • Squidward: Well, it looks like they could help you figure it out...
  • Mr. Krabs: Who? [sees a very long line consisting of the people who were dissatisfied with Mr. Krabs' band attempt, including Mrs. Puff, Dwight T. Wad, and Ernest; Mr. Krabs reads a sign standing in front of the line] "'Get Paid Back from Mr. Krabs' Line Starts Here"... [sniffles, looks at his bag of money, then gulps]
  • French Narrator: One long angry line later...
  • [Mr. Krabs pays Incidental 151, who was from the kids' birthday party. After the kid leaves, Mr. Krabs is greeted by Colonel Carper and his roadies.]
  • Colonel Carper: Well, well, well! It looks like this is the end of the line for you! Both literally and figuratively! [laughs]
  • Mr. Krabs: What do I owe you money for?
  • Colonel Carper: Well, let's see: How about damaged sound equipment, loss revenue, and just because!
  • Mr. Krabs: I don't owe you a nickel!
  • Colonel Carper: No, you owe me a million nickels! Roadies! It's collectin' time!
  • Mr. Krabs: Collecting time--? [gets grabbed by the roadies; the roadies start shaking Mr. Krabs, dumping the last of his money out of his bag; the money pours into Colonel Carper's pockets, causing his pants to swell up]
  • Colonel Carper: [laughs] Yeah-ha! Ah-ha! Okay boys! Our work here is done! [the roadies drop Mr. Krabs onto the ground as Colonel Carper and his roadies leave]
  • [Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob at the pawn shop where the Krusty Krab still is.]
  • Mr. Krabs: [Sobbing] Well, Krusty Krab, I guess... [sniffles] this is goodbye... [kisses the glass and cries mores] Why!? Why!?
  • SpongeBob: Don't cry, Mr. Krabs. Here. [takes out a piggy bank] You can have the money from Gary's college fund if it'll he--[Mr. Krabs quickly takes the money and runs into the pawn shop] ...help.
  • Mr. Krabs: [takes the Krusty Krab out of the pawn shop and puts it on his boatmobile] Well, SpongeBob! You ready to get back to doin' what we do best?
  • SpongeBob: [puts on his Krusty Krew hat] I'm ready! [gets in the boatmobile]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's me boy! [drives off]
  • Plankton: [shows up with loads of money in a wagon] Hello, sir! I'd like to purchase the Krusty Krab restaurant you have in your... where is it?
  • Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sorry, sir. I just sold it a minute ago. But we do have this slightly used Taco Stand for sale.
  • [Plankton stares in disbelief. The episode ends.]
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