Squidward:[Slurps] Maybe I'll...practice my clarinet.
Squidward: Ah-he-he-hem. [Plays jazzy tune]
SpongeBob: Kind of sounds like Squidward's practicing his clarinet over there. Doesn't it, Gary? Gary? Well, I can't just stand by and let him practice alone. Then what kind of a friend and neighbor would I be? Not that kind that I... [metal tinges and takes out guitar]...would want.
[Squidward continues playing his clarinet until SpongeBob opens his window and he starts to play along. Squidward stops playing his clarinet after noticing SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Hi neighbor!
[SpongeBob and Squidward continue playing together until Squidward blows his clarinet out of his mouth]
Squidward: Gah! Dah! Dah! Dah!
SpongeBob: Should we take it from the top?
Squidward: The day I willingly practice my musical art with you is the day I grow hair on my...[Notices a fish clapping from him]
Colonel Carper: Like bravo man! Bravo!
Squidward: And who might you be?
Colonel Carper: ♪I'm glad you asked! I'll make it perfectly clear! I'm the guy you made smiled from ear to ear! 'Cause the sweet sounds coming from this here direction! The entire ocean should hear! Now what I am promotions to you, is something I feel is my duty to do! I'm out just some admiring passerby, I want to be your concert, promoting manager guy!♪
Squidward: ♪Are you serious? Is this a dream?♪
Colonel Carper: ♪Colonel Carper's the name, I think we'll make a great team! You and your musical compadre us there are the next big thing I do solemnly swear! Sooo! What are we waiting for? It's high tide time we go on tour! Together we'll set sail on a magical musical journey! Where you'll play for at least a trillion and that guy on the journey! Screaming fans well sisley clap their hands for more! As you fly though the air doing your own high choooour! And remember to bring your rake! 'Cause Neptune only knows the money will make!♪
Mr. Krabs:[Runs out of his house]♪Did someone said money? I could swear that's what I heard! I got super sensitive hearing when it comes to that word!
Squidward: ♪Yes he said money, but more importantly he said faaaannnnnnssss! And not the type that blows air if you're feeling too hot! The type that wants autographs on everything they got!♪
Ivy (gray):[Rips of his underwear] Signature Mr. Tentacles?
SpongeBob: ♪And when I heard the word "Team" which is special to meeee! 'Cause through the power of music there's no way we won't get. The bond together with this special duet!♪
SpongeBob and Colonel Carper: ♪Soooo! What are we waiting for? It's high tide time we went on tour!♪
Squidward: Uh, excuse me? Is there anyway I get to do this tour as a soloist?
Colonel Carper: Hmm, let me think about that for a second...Ni!♪Whatsoever! The tour must consist of my two plus sis of the tall one with holatoses and the square one with the talented wrist!♪
Squidward: ♪A dream wrapped in pain. I don't know whether to smile or pout.♪
Mr. Krabs: ♪Excuse me, Colonel! I'll be taking over from here on out!♪
Colonel Carper: ♪But it was I who discovered this soon-to-be famous band! And I'm the one who knows what it takes to get them there! You'll need a tour bus, venue, gotta build up buzz! You'll need equipment and roadies too! I'm the expert of all things concert promotionist making you have no inclaim, you have no clue!♪
Mr. Krabs: ♪Thanks for all the great tips! I think you should be on your way! Good bye! Good luck! Have a nice day! Sooo! What are we waiting for? It's high tide time we went on tour!♪
Mr. Krabs: Up and at 'em boys! We got a tour to put on!
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff's bus]
Mrs. Puff:[Comes from under the bus] Phew...changing the oil in the school busmobile sure is a pain in the...[Hears the bus turn on]...What? [Oil sprays in her face and the bus drives off] Stop! Thief!
[The bus stops at the Krusty Krab and Mr. Krabs comes out of it and enters the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Mornin' Squidward! [Grabs a ladder and takes a speaker off of the wooden beam and throws it on the floor] Tour bus, sound equipment, check! All I need now is a...roadie? Now where in Neptune how I'm ever gonna find...
Patrick:[Enters holding a boat] Somebody left this thing laying around the parking lot.
Mr. Krabs: Roadie! Check!
[Bubble transition to the Ned and the Needlefish concert with Mr. Krabs driving to the outside of it]
Mr. Krabs: Here we are boys! Our first gig! All those people are lined up to see you!
Squidward: Sounds like a load of hooey...
Mr. Krabs: Alright roadie, start unloading the hooey! [Walks off the bus with Patrick]
Patrick:[Holding the speaker] Uh, Mr. Krabs? Where do I put this?
Mr. Krabs:[Writing on clipboard] Anywhere is fine.
Patrick: Then what about this? [Still holding the same speaker]
SpongeBob: Hey! Look! It's Ned and the Needlefish!
[Ned and the Needlefish walk off their bus with the crowd cheering for them and they enter the building]
Colonel Carper: Well, well, well! If it isn't that guy that stole my band! I hope you all aren't here to steal THIS band, too! Because THIS time around, I'll be ready for ya!
Mr. Krabs: Well that's very interesting Colonel Carper! But right now, my band and I are on a world tour! And tonight we're opening for Ned and the Needlefish!
Colonel Carper:[Laughs heavily]
Mr. Krabs: Yeah...eh, what's so funny!?
Colonel Carper: You are! And the fact that you think you have any idea what it takes to put on a musical tour!
Mr. Krabs: We have a tour bus, sound equipment, a roadie!
Colonel Carper: You call that a tour bus? [Walks over to Patrick who is still holding the same speaker] You call this sound equipment? That's not a roadie, these are roadies! [Points over to two very large and muscular fish standing beside Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Ahhhh!
Colonel Carper: I'll tell you what, I'll let you open for Ned and the Needlefish on one condition: My roadies get to sabotage your sound equipment and have it blow up during your soundtrack!
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute...what's that gonna cost me?
Colonel Carper: Oh, that will be free!
Mr. Krabs:[Shakes Carper's fin] Deal!
[Bubble transition to a stage]
Mr. Krabs: Ok Mr. Squidward. Take it from the top! [Squidward plays a note but the speaker overhead instanly explodes] Doggonit...
Colonel Carper: Hah hah hah! Now you don't have any sound equipment! Unlike me who has this entire wall of speakers you see right behind me! Hah hah hah! Now your whole tour is ruined! Hah hah hah hah! [Doesn't notice Mr. Krabs pushing away his wall of speakers behind him] Seriously! I can't! I can't take it!It's too much! [Falls on the ground laughing. Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs' bus]
SpongeBob: It sure was nice of that Colonel Carper guy to let us borrow his entire wall of sound equipment! Wasn't it Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Well, here we are! Our next gig! [Stops at a Supermarket]
Squidward: We're performing at a supermarket!? Driver, turn this bus around! The tour is canceled! Head straight back to the Krusty Krab!
Mr. Krabs: Sorry Squidward but that is physically impossible!
Mr. Krabs: Because it's not there anymore!
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab's not there anymore!? Where'd it go?
Mr. Krabs: I pawned it! To raise the cash for the concert tour!
SpongeBob:[Ears explode] You did what!?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah...hard to believe, I know! My heard aches when I think of me old girl cold and lonely. Just sitting in the front window of that dirty pawn shop at the mercy of any random joe who just happens to pass on by.
[Scene changes to the Pawn Shop]
Plankton:[Whistling] Gasp! [Notices the Krusty Krab in the Pawn Shop's window] Hopping Hamburger Stands! I gotta go home and get my wallet!
[Scene changes back to the tour bus]
Squidward: It's not even my restaurant and somehow I regret that decision...
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Now quit your worrying back there! With the success we're about to have, we'll be able to buy ten Krusty Krabs!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward on stage]
Squidward: A one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! [He and SpongeBob start playing together as the rest of the customers starts using food items to play along with the music as well including Patrick using chips together to make it sound right. He and SpongeBob stop playing and the customers go on with their shopping] Thank you! Thank you very much! [Notices the people walk away] Oh come on! Nothing!?
Mr. Krabs: What a happy celebration!
Dwight T. Wad: I most certainly agree!
Mr. Krabs: Thank you Mr...[Reads the crab's nametag]...Supermarker Manager.
Dwight T. Wad: Here you go! [Gives Mr. Krabs a piece of paper]
Mr. Krabs: What's this? Our pay check?
Dwight T. Wad: Nope! It's a bill! [Walks off]
Mr. Krabs: What!?
[Bubble transition to Shady Lanes retirement home]
Squidward: You're kidding me, right!? We're performing at a retirement home!?
Mr. Krabs: Oh don't worry Squidward! These geezers really know how to party!
Squidward:[Sarcastically] Oh yeah...they got one foot in the rave. Heh heh...reaper jerks!
[Scene changes to a fish wheeling the Elderly Fish to a bunch of other older fish in front of SpongeBob and Squidward]
Squidward: Two, three, four! [Stops noticing another fish being wheeled up] Two, three, four! [Starts playing the music with SpongeBob until he is stopped by the Elderly Fish]
Elderly Fish: Too loud! You're playing too loud!
SpongeBob:[Quietly] Sorry sir.
Squidward:[Quietly] Ok, two, three, four...[Starts playing quietly with SpongeBob but is stopped yet again by the Elderly Fish]
Elderly Fish: Too loud! Still too loud! [Squidward plays one note] Still too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob put their hands up] Too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob put their instruments down] Too loud! [Squidward and SpongeBob walk off] Too...loud!
[Scene changes back to the tour bus]
Squidward: Supermarket openings, retirement homes! What's next a child's birthday party! [They arrive at a child's birthday party and they get off the bus] This is our WORSE gig yet: Children parties! Well if this is the way this tour is being organized, then I would like to...Owww! [Notices a kid stuck in behind with a pin used for Pin the tail on the donkey] I am not donkey-fish!
[Cue commercial. Comes back from commercial with it opening with Mr. Krabs' tour bus. SpongeBob and Patrick are resting on Squidward]
Squidward:[Knocks SpongeBob and Patrick off] Mr. Krabs, how much farther is it to the next town?
Mr. Krabs:[Reading a map] Uh...not too much farther Squidward! Uh...oh in fact, we're just entering it now! [Turns on a sign that literally says "Next Town"]
Squidward: Well if this concert is anywhere near terrible as the other ones, then it's gonna be my last! [Notices Mr. Krabs parking at run down place called Electronics Outhouse] What the...Electronics Outhouse!? Good bye! [Tires to leave off bus but Mr. Krabs quickly closes it on his face]
Mr. Krabs: This ain't our next concert!
Squidward: Well then, where is it!?
Mr. Krabs: It's uh...uh...um...[He, Squidward, and SpongeBob notice a crowd heading toward a stadium] Well it's right over there obviously! [Drives to the stadium that says "Ned and the Needlefish Today" on it and they get off the bus] I'll just leave the three of you right here to set up! I some important tour management business to attend to if you know!
Squidward: Hold it! This better not be one of your tricks Mr. Krabs!
[Mr. Krabs closes the door on Squidward and drives back to the "Next Town"sign and hammers something to it then drives off. Ned and the Needlefish then drives up to the sign]
Band Member 1: Hey look, man! [Notices the sign that now shows their name] "Ned and the Needlefish, Next Turn."
Ned: Whoa...it's like a sign from....sign man...[Stops driving at the Electronics Outhouse] Wow...we have really moved down in the world...
[Scene changes back to the stadium where SpongeBob and Squidward are at]
SpongeBob: Isn't this the most exciting experience in your entire life Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah...I've never thought I get to perform for so many fans!
SpongeBob: Oh? Are there people showing up?
Squidward: Isn't that...what you were talking about? [The stage opens up and he smiles and he hears the crowd cheering] Ah...just soak on in Squidy old boy! Pretty invigorating isn't it? Wait a minute...why are they chanting "Ned and the Needlefish?"
SpongeBob: No, can't you hear them Squidward? They're saying Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward and SpongeBob! Squidward...[Notices the lights turn on and the crowd stop chanting]
Harold: That does not look like Ned and the Needlefish! [He along with the crowd start booing]
Squidward: Wait! I know what you came here for! [Starts to play on his clarinet with SpongeBob playing along with his guitar] Well?
Harold: Chase 'em off stage!
Squidward: Uh oh...[Runs away along with SpongeBob as the crowd is chasing them down. Scene changes back to the Electronics Outhouse]
Man: Excuse me? Could on of you show me how to use this multimeter?
Ned: Uh...he probably can...[Points to one of his band members]
Man: Thanks. [Shows his multimeter to the band member. Bubble transition to Colonel Carper]
Colonel Carper:[Furious] MR. KRABS!!!
Mr. Krabs:[Puts on a fake mustache] Do I know you?
Colonel Carper:[Blows off Mr. Krabs' mustache] COLONEL CARPER!!!
Mr. Krabs: Were we in the Navy together?
Colonel Carper: No we were not!!!
Mr. Krabs: Phew, that's good! 'Cause for a second there I thought that we maybe...
Colonel Carper: ...YOUR SHENANIGANS SIR ARE AT AN END!!! OH YES!!! And you will be receiving a friendly little phone call from my attorney! Because I am suing you for every last dime!
[Bubble transition to Carper's roadies taking back his sound equipment]
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute! Where'd you think you're going with your own equipment!?
Patrick: Hey thanks again fellas! Nice guys like them don't come around much these days. They even redecorated the tour busmobile for us! [Mr. Krabs notices the bus now says "LOSERS" on it]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
'Mr. Krabs: ' How'd the show go boy?
SpongeBob: Oh the crowd went wild sir!
Squidward: In fact, they're still going wild...[Notices the crowd still chasing them]
Mr. Krabs: Quick! On the bus! [He along with Squidward and SpongeBob run onto the bus and drives off]
Squidward: Well, that wasn't a complete waste of time...Oh no wait, it was...
Mr. Krabs:[Starts to cry] Now I'll never get me ol' Krusty Krab out of hog! [Crying]
SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!!!
[They start swerving on the road with SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick screaming and they eventually drive off a cliff and lands on the ground with the bus tumbling many times. They all get off the bus]
Mr. Krabs: Good news boys! We only sustained a flat tire! Patrick, go get the spare lad!
Patrick: Uh...oh! Yeah, I can't.
Squidward: What do you mean you can't?
Squidward: No no! Wait! Let me guess: You ate the spare tire?
Patrick: Wow...you're good at guessing...
SpongeBob: Patrick, why didn't you just ask me? [Takes out a small plastic bag with very small tires in it] You know I always bring tiny, snack size tires for in-between meals! You know, I'm kinda hungry now actually. [Eats one of the tires] Hmm...Squidward? They're fat free!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I'd like some money for cab fair.
Mr. Krabs: But Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: But nothing. I'm going home. Now put some cash in my hands so I...
Mr. Krabs: WAHHH!!!!! [Hugs Squidward] But I don't have any money lad! Not even a nickel! It's all gone! Me Krusty Krab is gone!!!
Squidward:[Pushes away Mr. Krabs] Forget it! I'll just walk! [Starts to walk off]
SpongeBob: Wait! Squidward! Squidward! You can't go! Please! Don't you see? The Krusty Krab needs us more than ever!
Squidward: I could care less what the Krusty Krab needs! [Moves SpongeBob away] Now get out of my way! [Walks into a cactus] Ow! Ow! OOOOWWWW!!! Ow...
SpongeBob: Squidward! Are you okay?
Squidward: Get your hands off me! [Walks into another cactus and bumps into a third one] OWWWW!!!! [Brushes himself off]
Squidward: Don't...[Walks off into the sunset]
SpongeBob:[Climbs on top of the bus and takes out his guitar and starts playing it]♪Squidward...you must look inward. And then I'm sure that you will see what an awesome band we still could be! Please! Oh please don't quit on us now! I cannot allow this to be our last bow! Now now now! No no no! Nay nay nay! Neh neh neh! NEEEEVER give up! Don't ever give up! We can't let Mr. Krabs go bankrupt! We must keep busy! Never giving up!♪
Squidward: ♪How did I not see this plan was a failure from the start? Being around SpongeBob is bad for my heart! And that's not even the worse part! Supermarkets, retirement homes, birthday parties for kids! My career in music really feels like it has hit the skids! I give up! There is no point! I give up! Mr. Krabs will have to go bankrupt while I'm busy, bittering giving up!♪
SpongeBob: ♪Don't you see? Mr. Krabs needs us terribly! We got it in us to be a huge success! You and I can't settle for less! I promise myself not to shed this tear!♪
Squidward: ♪It's getting really cold out here and I'm four hundred miles from home it will appear! And my feet are hurting oh dear I fear this tentacle-itis is pretty severe!♪
Squidward's Foot: ♪Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!!!♪
Squidward: ♪I should probably give up! On this giving up today! This is the part I turn around and play!♪
SpongeBob: ♪This is the part where I stand up and play!♪
SpongeBob and Squidward: ♪Take a deep breath in an emotional way! 'Cause with my instrument is how I say! [They both play their respective instruments in a duet. End music scene]
Squidward: Wow! That was actually, kinda good! [Notices the crowd cheering for them]
Male Fish: Fantastic!
Mr. Krabs: Unbelievable! They actually gathered a crowd! To think that all of these people came out to the middle of the desert to see Squidward and SpongeBob!
Patrick: Or...they came to see the meteor shower that passes through the Aurora Borealis generating a stunning, once-in-a-lifetime light show.
Crowd:[Looking at the beautiful sky] Oh....ah....
Mr. Krabs:[Sets up a stand] Thank you! Come again please! [Puts money in the register than in the bag] He he he!
SpongeBob: Look! It's Mr. Krabs! Squidward and I just performed for an crowd of adoring fans!
Mr. Krabs: That's nice! I just made more money than I know what to do with!
Squidward: Well it looks like they could help you figure it out...
Mr. Krabs: Who? [Notices a very long line then reads a sign] Get Paid Back from Mr. Krabs Line starts here...[Gets sad]
Narrator: One long angry line later...
Colonel Carper: Well well well! It looks like this is the end of the line for you! Both literally and figuratively! Hah! Hah! Hah!
Mr. Krabs: Why'd I owe you money for!?
Colonel Carper: Well let's see: How about damaged sound equipment, loss revenue, and JUST BECAUSE!
Mr. Krabs: I don't owe you a nickel!
Colonel Carper: No! You owe me a MILLION nickels! Roadies! It's collecting time!
Mr. Krabs: Collecting time!? [Gets grabbed by the roadies and they start shaking the money from him]
Colonel Carper: HAH HAH HAH HAH!!! YEAH!! AH HA! Okay boys! Our work here is done! [The roadies drop Mr. Krabs into the ground]
[Bubble transition to the Pawn Shop]
Mr. Krabs:[Sobbing] Well Krusty Krab, this is good bye...[Kisses the glass and cries mores] WHY!? WHY!?
SpongeBob: Don't cry Mr. Krabs. Here! [Takes out a piggy bank] You can have the money for Gary's college fund if that would...[Mr. Krabs quickly takes the money and runs into the Pawn Shop]...help...
Mr. Krabs:[Grabs the Krusty Krab and puts it on his boat] Well, SpongeBob! You ready to get back to doing what we do best?
SpongeBob:[Puts on hat] I'm ready!
Mr. Krabs: That's me boy! [Drives off]
Plankton:[Wheels in a lot of money] Hello sir! I'd like to purchase the Krusty Krab restaurant you have in your...where is it?
Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sorry sir! I just sold it a minute ago. But we do have this slightly used Taco Stand for sale.
[Plankton has a shocked look on his face and the episode ends]