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"Hall Monitor" (transcript)

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Hall Monitor
General
Season №: 1
Episode №: 7a
Airdate: August 28, 1999
Chronology
Previous: "Pickles"
Next: "Jellyfish Jam"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hall Monitor" from season one, which aired on August 28, 1999.

  • Narrator: Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Where diligent students learn the rules of the road.
  • Mrs. Puff: Everyone, put down your books, because it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the day! [SpongeBob squeezes his pencil so hard it shoots up into the air] Let's see here. This weeks hall monitor will be Bart, Jimmy, no, no, Tina, Ralph, mm... [gasps] ...SpongeBob. [SpongeBob moves his desk between 2 rows] Its Jimmy! Jimmy's the hall monitor.
  • Jimmy: Mrs. Puff, I've done it already! [SpongeBob moves his desk closer]
  • Mrs. Puff: Ohh...Phil?
  • Phil: No way, Mrs. Puff. [SpongeBob moves his desk closer]
  • Mrs. Puff: Uhh, Tina, you're the hall monitor.
  • Tina: Hey, I've done it three times already! [SpongeBob moves up closer]
  • Mrs. Puff: B-B-Beth!
  • Student: She graduated!
  • Mrs. Puff: Henry? [SpongeBob moves closer] Vera? [SpongeBob moves closer] Clayton? [SpongeBob is poking Mrs. Puff with his desk as she sighs] Alright, I guess I have no choice. [gulps] The hall monitor of the day is SpongeBob. [SpongeBob launches into the air]
  • SpongeBob: Yahoo! Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am! I am ready to assume my position...in the hall! I will protect all that are weak...in the hall! All rules will be enforced...in the hall!
  • Mrs. Puff: Ok! Just take the hat and belt. [tries handing him uniform]
  • SpongeBob: I can't except that yet, ma'am. First I have to make my speech.
  • Mrs. Puff: You can't make this easy, can you?
  • SpongeBob: Classmates!! Who am I to deserve such a great honor? Why, I would be nothing without Mrs. Puff.
  • Mrs. Puff: Give me a break.
  • SpongeBob: And to my public, all I can say is I'm touched. And furthermore, I will carry out my duties... [clock moves forward in time as SpongeBob continues his speech] ...crime and punishment, punishment and crime in the hall! [at this point almost everyone , is asleep ] Which reminds me of an extremely long speech written by the greatest hall monitor of all time. [takes out a long roll of paper] "Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears." [the clock has disappeared, and it is now much later in the day. Puff is asleep at her desk] In conclusion, and without a moment to spare, I will put on this uniform [takes out the hat and belt] and assume my duties as... [puts on the uniform] ...hall monitor! Wish me luck, Mrs. Puff! [walks towards the door then turns around] Oh, and I will be... [bell rings as all students run over SpongeBob]
  • Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, are you ok?
  • SpongeBob: I overdid the speech again, didn't I?
  • Mrs. Puff: I'm afraid so.
  • SpongeBob: Aww, tartar sauce. I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off his uniform] I hardly knew ya. [gives uniform to Mrs. Puff and walks away saddened]
  • Mrs. Puff: Uhh...SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
  • Mrs. Puff: I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.
  • SpongeBob: A-hoo! [dives into the uniform] Thanks, Mrs. Puff!
  • Mrs. Puff: What are the consequences of what I've just done? [cut to SpongeBob walking down the street. Then notices a broken traffic light]
  • SpongeBob: Broken traffic light! Who's to say my monitor duties should end just because the bell rang? I could be helpful anywhere! This looks like a job for the hall monitor! [directs traffic, with a whistle, to their destination using all sorts of hand gestures but ends up causing a huge wreck in the end] What would this town do without you, SpongeBob?
  • Fred: My leg! My leg.
  • SpongeBob: On patrol. I'm on patrol. [notices a house with an open window] Uh-oh, an open window. [peeks through the window and there is a couple eating] Vera: More seaweed medley, dear?
  • SpongeBob: The fools. They've left themselves susceptible to danger. I must show them the error of their ways through example. [jumps through the window and onto their table in a ski mask] I'm the open window maniac! [both run out screaming] I hope you've learned a valuable lesson! [shuts the window and begins walking again] On patrol. I'm on patrol. I'm on patrol... [gasps as he sees a puddle of pink goo on the ground] Vandals! Another crime. [takes his finger and tastes the pink goo] Strawberry. I must act! [more pink goo falls on his head. He looks up and sees Patrick eating some strawberry ice cream] Patrick... [looks around for the voice he just heard] Patrick... Patrick...
  • Patrick: My ice cream! It's alive! [screams and throws away the ice cream]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! Down here!
  • Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, it's you. [ice cream cone is on SpongeBob's face]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick. Come down here. [Patrick jumps down on top of SpongeBob]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: I'm down here.
  • Patrick: Hehe, you look funny! Hi, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: That's hall monitor to you!
  • Patrick: Sorry, officer.
  • SpongeBob: Sorry's not good enough, Patrick. You've committed a crime, and I'm taking you in.
  • Patrick: What crime? [shows him the ice cream that is on the ground] I'm a bad person! [cries]
  • Paperboy: Extra! Extra! Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom! City paralyzed with fear! [gives one to SpongeBob] Take it, friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge. [runs off] Extra! Extra! Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom!
  • SpongeBob: [reads paper] Maniac. Bikini Bottom? Car wreck? Break-in? Who better to bring this maniac to justice than me, the hall monitor! But I can't handle this case alone. Patrick, are you ready to give up your life of crime?
  • Patrick: [still crying] I wanna be good!
  • SpongeBob: Hmmm...now you just need a symbol of authority. [Patrick puts the ice cream cone on his head] Perfect! It is our duty to catch this maniac and bring him to justice! But how to proceed? Listen, deputy, you're an ex-criminal. What would you do?
  • Patrick: Hmmm...I'd get an ice cream! [both walk out an ice cream store with ice cream]
  • SpongeBob: Ok, now what?
  • Patrick: Hmmm... [both come out the ice cream store again with ice cream]
  • SpongeBob: This isnt working. We've got to do something else. Something with walkie-talkies! [takes out two walkie-talkies. Patrick grabs one and is elated with joy] And now, duty calls! Alright deputy, I'll go that way, you go some different way! Run em out! [SpongeBob runs off sounding like a siren. The police come driving up and stop beside Patrick]
  • Officer Durado: Afternoon, son.
  • Patrick: Hello, brothers. [salutes to the officers and points to his hat]
  • Officer Durado: Son, we're looking for the maniac.
  • Officer Malley: Have you seen this man?! [officer #2 whips out a sign that says WANTED MANIAC with SpongeBob's picture on it.]
  • Patrick: [screams] It's the maniac! Take him away! Take him away!
  • Officer Durado: Calm down son. It's just a drawing, not the real thing. Now we're going to show you this picture again, and you tell us if you've seen this guy, understand?
  • Patrick: Yeah.
  • Officer Durado: Ok. [officer Malley shows Patrick the sign again]
  • Patrick: [screams] Horrible! [puts picture away. Both officers look at each other and smile. Officer #2 takes away and shows the sign to Patrick as he screams every time]
  • Officer Durado: Stay indoors, son.
  • Officer Malley: And, uhh, take that cone off your head. [both laugh as they drive off]"[but Patrick wasn't listening]"
  • Patrick: [takes out walkie-talkie] SpongeBob? Come in, SpongeBob. Answer.
  • SpongeBob: SpongeBob here, Patrick. Report.
  • Patrick: [over walkie-talkie] I don't wanna be a policeman anymore! I'm scared!
  • SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, deputy.
  • Patrick: [over walkie-talkie] I wanna go home!
  • SpongeBob: Poor rookie. Alright, I'm on my way back.
  • Patrick: Hurry SpongeBob, I think it's getting... [the bright sky suddenly, hideously, becomes dark in night time] ...dark.
  • SpongeBob: Just put on your siren and I'll be right there.
  • Patrick: Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. [Patrick picks up the sign that the officers showed him earlier. Then sees a darkish figure down the road. Its SpongeBob but Patrick doesnt realize it] Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! SpongeBob! I see him!
  • SpongeBob: [over walkie-talkie] Where is he, Patrick?
  • Patrick: [over walkie-talkie] At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns his head around to read the street sign]
  • SpongeBob: Thats where I am. He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?
  • Patrick: Uhh, he's just standing there...menacingly! [screams over walkie-talkie] Get out of there, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams] That's his maniac shriek. He's going to attack! [SpongeBob cries while running around in circles] He's acting all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! [SpongeBob hides behind the building] No, he's behind that building! Oh, quick, hide behind that street sign! [SpongeBob hides behind the street sign] No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! [SpongeBob gets under the street lights] No wait, he's there, too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. As he tries to relax, the radio is cutting out]
  • SpongeBob: [over walkie-talkie] Say again, deputy?
  • Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox! [SpongeBob pokes his arms and legs through the mailbox and runs through buildings and a fence]
  • SpongeBob: [takes a look at the wanted sign] Huh, this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick, I'm the maniac! [Patrick screams and a bunch of police cars surround SpongeBob]
  • Officer Durado: We'll take that as a confession. [Mrs. Puff appears]
  • Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself!
  • Officer #1: You know this guy?
  • Mrs. Puff: Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He's my responsibility. [the cops stare at her] Uh-oh... [at the boating school where the whole class, except SpongeBob, is sleeping. Mrs. Puff is teaching class from jail through the TV] Now in conclusion, class: red means stop, green means go. And SpongeBob...
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
  • Mrs. Puff: I'd like to see you after class. Six months from now..

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