Mr. Krabs: ♪Me dollar lies over the ocean, me dollar lies over--♪ [sniffing, then exhales. His breath is revealed, which smells like a port. His breath contains a lighthouse and some seagulls. sniffs again] Whoa! Blarney stone, that's a horrible reek. I knew I was forgetting somethin'. [grabs a toothbrush with toothpaste, and sings again] Ohhhhhhh, bring back me money to me! [starts brushing his teeth. A rumble is heard, and one of Pearl's fins breaks through the mirror. Mr. Krabs stops brushing]
Mr. Krabs: That's strange. I'm sure I can remember screwing the cap back on the toothpaste, but here it is on the edge of the sink, plain as day. Heh heh! These are strange times we're livin' in.
Mr. Krabs: That sounded like me beloved teenage daughter, Pearl. I'm coming, princess!
Mr. Krabs: Pearl! What in the name of Neptune's Aunt Nancy is with all this ruckus?
[Pearl's legs suddenly starts growing, along with her head, her body, her ponytail, and her fins]
Pearl: What's happening to me?! [her mouth grows. Now her weight breaks the bed]
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, this is terrible! I paid 30 bucks for that bed! 'Course, that was when you were a newborn. Maybe if I crunched a few numbers and checked the warranty, I could—Pearl: I [pants] need [pants] food. [continues panting]
Mr. Krabs:[brings refrigerator] Okay, Pearl! I wasn't sure what to get, so I just brought the whole--
[Pearl's tongue grabs the refrigerator, puts in her mouth, and chews]
Mr. Krabs: refrigerator.
[Pearl starts to grow some more]
Mr. Krabs: Pearl, I somehow just realized what's happening.
Pearl: So did I.
Mr. Krabs: You're havin' one of them, uh, you know, one of them, um, growth spouts. It means you're healthy.
Pearl: It means I need food!!
Mr. Krabs:[opens cabinet] Empty! [actually there are 2 foods available]
Old cracker: What am I, chopped liver?
Chopped liver: No, that's what I am. [rimshot]
Mr. Krabs: Darling, I searched the entire house. There's not a speck of food to be spoken of.
Pearl: Well, you're just gonna have to go buy some.
Mr. Krabs:[panics] Uhhh, can't. It's late, and all the shops are closed. We're just gonna have to wait until morning to find you something to eat.
Pearl: Wait, what's that green stuff in your pocket?
Mr. Krabs: Eh? Where?
Pearl: There! [grabs money]
Mr. Krabs: Me money?
Pearl: I'll just have to eat this.
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'll think of something. [walks out of his house] Food. Where? Where? Food. Where? Where? Huh? [sees a fence. He peeks in someone's garden and sees a peanut garden. He gets a basket and grabs all the peanut worms. Inside the house, Mrs. Puff is seen snoring]
Mrs. Puff:[snores] Must protect garden. [snores] Only thing that makes life worth living.
Mr. Krabs: Hehehehehe! Peanuts! [peanuts wiggle] What the... [peanuts pop out their eyes and squirt Mr. Krabs] These peanut worms are pets, not vegetables! [screams and leaves the basket behind]
Mrs. Puff:[opens door suddenly] Who's there? I'm warning you. I have a blunt instrument here, and I'm not afraid to use it. [She sees Mr. Krabs stuck in the fence, trying to escape] There you are, sucker! [throws her "blunt instrument" and hits the fence, causing the fence to flip and hit the back of Mr. Krabs. Acting as a boomerang, it flies back to Mrs. Puff]
Krabs:[still running] Cucumbers. Squirting me. Flying stuff! [laughing hysterically. He hides in a big rock, only to be revealed that it's Patrick's house. He sees a refrigerator filled with food] Jackpot. [sees Patrick, sleeping with his head on a bowl of Kelpo] Surely Patrick could spare a few morsels. After all, it's for a worthy cause. Me beloved Pearl. [grabs all the food] Don't worry Pearl, Daddy found you some vittles! [the food is actually sand] Bottom feeders. [He sees Patrick and gets the bowl of Kelpo. He runs back to his daughter, exhausted] Pearl! I brought you some-- [Pearl grabs the cereal] cereal.
Pearl: More Daddy, More!
[cut to Mrs. Puff's house]
Mrs. Puff:[petting a peanut worm] There, there, my darling, the bad man is gone now. And if he comes back, we'll make sure he never walks again.
[two police officers appear]
Officer: Which way did you say the kidnapper ran, Miss, uh, Mrs., uh, Ms., Mrs., Miss, Mrs. [clears throat] So which way did you say he went?
Mrs. Puff: I said he went that way.
Officer:[writes on his notepad for about five seconds] Anything else?
Mrs. Puff: No.
Officer:[writes on his notepad for about five seconds, then taps notepad] Got it. Johnson. [Officer Johnson turns on the flashlight and points it at the fence] Well, looks like whoever it was is gone now, ma'am. Enjoy the rest of the evening. [both walk to their to their police boat] I tell ya, these calls are getting more and more weird. I mean, what kind of nutcase would want to break into someone's vegetable garden at this time of night?
Officer: Well, I doubt he's gonna turn up anywhere near here again tonight. What do you say we go check out that new 24-hour taser emporium you were talking about? [drives out]
Krabs: Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! [passes Squidward's house, then doubles back and sniffs] Food. [uses nose to try to unlock the door. Sees Squidward sleeping in the bedroom] Not food. [stops and smells the flowers, then continues. He then turns on the light and gasps] Hanging cured meats. Exotic spices. A breadbox overflowing with baguettes. Yummy stuff everywhere! I'll start with the fridge. [opens fridge filled with food] Candied sea yams, pickled urchins, anemone pies, a bucket of kelp slaw.... Et cetera. Ooh, more et cetera. [walks out of the house]
Squidward's house: Oh well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway.
Officer:[talking to Johnson] And that's what I told him. I said, "If you're not gonna bring an extra set of batteries, then why even carry a--" [sees Mr. Krabs carrying a sack filled with food] Hey mister! What's with the sack?
Officer: Yeah, sack. That big giant sack thing you're carrying on your back, that sack.
Krabs: It's, uh... I'm, uh, practicing to be "Santy Claws" [Santa Claus] for the holidays.
[siren on the boat wails. The officers drop Mr. Krabs off to his house]
Officer: Okay, you have a safe night now.
Krabs: Thanks again, officer!
Officer: Be seeing you in a couple months. [chuckles] Happy Holidays.
Krabs: Okay, Pearly, I got some vittles for ya! [Pearl begs to put the food in her mouth. Mr. Krabs dumps all the food in her mouth. Her stomach growls that the scene shakes, then, she burps loudly]
Krabs: I was afraid you were gonna say that.
[Mr. Krabs runs to get some food. He sees SpongeBob's house in front of him. Inside, SpongeBob turns on the kitchen light, where he sees Mr. Krabs]
Krabs: I wasn't stealing food!
SpongeBob:[gasps] Mr. Krabs! How could you do this to me?
Krabs: SpongeBob, I'm sorry, I had no other choice. See
SpongeBob: Coming over for a slumber party without even giving me a chance to put my best PJs on? I mean, look at these things. Just give me one minute to change, and when I get back, we can get started on some s'mores and popcorn.
Krabs:[chuckles nervously] G-g-good idea, SpongeBob. That sounds just perfect.
Squidward: Not so fast! That crab is a food thief! He snuck into my house in the middle of the night, stole every last morsel in my kitchen, and he even swiped my entire collection of smoked kielbasas.
SpongeBob: But I thought he was having a slumber party at my house.
Squidward: I don't care. I'm calling the police. [dialing]
Krabs: Squidward, wait, you can't.
Squidward: Oh? And why is that?
Krabs: Because if you do, I'll fire ya. [Squidward continues dialing] No, if I go to prison, who's gonna feed Pearl?
Squidward: Hello, police?
Krabs: Hold it! I'll... I'll...
Squidward: You'll what? You'll give me your golden tooth?
[Krabs sniffles, and yanks out his golden tooth. He gives it to Squidward]
SpongeBob: I didn't know Mr. Krabs had a gold tooth.
Squidward: Neither did I.
Krabs:[sobbing] Oh, SpongeBob, what am I gonna do?
SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry Mr. Krabs. I had a tooth pulled a few years ago. Only hurts for a couple of days.
Krabs: It's not that, boy. Those nerves died years ago. It's me dear daughter, Pearl.
SpongeBob: Pearl? What happened?
Krabs: She's going through one of them growth spurts, and I can't find a way to feed her.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you're the owner of the most delightfully delicious restaurant in Bikini Bottom! Why don't you just take her there to eat?
Krabs: Hold on, boy. I said I was trying to feed me daughter, not completely obliterate me inventory.
SpongeBob: You don't have to do that. I know a special ingredient that can make one Krabby Patty taste like a million.
[cut to the Krusty Krab]
Pearl: Oh, Oh! So hungry, not gonna make it!
Krabs: SpongeBob, hurry it up!
SpongeBob: Hang in there, Mr. Krabs. Almost ready.
Krabs: You've been saying that for the last-- [SpongeBob appears with the Krabby Patty.. The Krabby Patty is put in Pearl's mouth. She burps]
Pearl: Daddy, I'm not hungry anymore, and I've stopped growing. I feel great. Heh, Heh!
Krabs: Whew! Boy, I'm glad that's over. And it only cost me one Krabby Patty. Say, what was that secret ingredient you used in there, anyways, boy?