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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Grooming Gary" from season six, which aired on November 28, 2008.
  • [SpongeBob's foghorn honks]
  • SpongeBob: Bikini Bottom pet show today! Good thing I put those notes there. Otherwise, I could've forgotten. And I wouldn't wanna do that because the Bikini Bottom pet show is where you gotta go to see the best pets in town. Not that any other pet can take a chance against my buddy Gary. He's the bestest pet in the whole world. Love you, Gare-Gare. [Watch rings] Oh! The show starts in an hour! Hey, Gare, time to... Gary? Ow! Gary? Gary? Gary? Gary?
  • Perch Perkins: Looks like another beautiful day here in Bikini Bottom. It... Huh?
  • SpongeBob: [walks onto set where the Perch is doing his newscast from] Gary? [gasps from coming out of Squidward's bathtub] Gary? Oh, hi ya, Squidward. [Squidward kicks him out of his house through the window and SpongeBob screams] Whoooooooaaaaaa! Ohhhhhhhh! Gary? Gary? Gary? [SpongeBob walks back and finds Gary hiding in the bookshelf] Gary, there you are. [pulls Gary off] What are you doing here? Well, today is the day you show everyone else you're the best pet in the whole world. Now, for a quick checklist. Let's see, eye reflects. Check. Slime viscosity. [SpongeBob drags Gary's slime around his house, then, Squidward's house] Hi, Squidward. [Continues] Ready! Hi again, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Yello.
  • SpongeBob: Check. And last, but not least, a quick undercarriage check. [Gary hisses] Whoa, okay, maybe we should skip that one. Let's see... Yep, that's about does it. A second, buddy. I'll carry your shell. [Dogs bark]
  • Fish #1: Stand up straight. Posture is everything in appearance.
  • Fish #2: Roll over.
  • Fish #3: Your newly trimmed hairstyles highlight your regality.
  • SpongeBob: Huh, people sure seem to treat their pets differently here.
  • Charles: That's a good boy, Foofie. Look at your luxurious mane. Every self-respecting snail has one.
  • SpongeBob: Luxurious mane?
  • Foofie: Meow.
  • Charles: Oh, yes. How could I forget? Accessories! Your diamond-studded leash?
  • SpongeBob: I always use an old rope. I guess that's not good enough.
  • Charles: Of course, there's the cherry on the beauty cake: the glossy painted shell! And last, but not least, well maintained oral hygiene. Just look at your pearly whites!
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Gary?
  • Gary: Meeeoooowwwwwwwww. [Gary opens his mouth and shows his rotten teeth]
  • Charles: Anyway, we best run along, Foofs. Your pedicure is in half an hour.
  • SpongeBob: Pedicure? I didn't realize how much went into this.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, don't be so protective of me, Gary. I know I've been an horrible parent. But no longer! From this moment on forth, I vow to give my Gary the utmost in empty frivolity! To live by the standards of snail grooming, set forth by: that guy!
  • Patrick: What's up?
  • SpongeBob: No, not you.
  • Patrick: Okay.
  • SpongeBob: Enough dilly-dallying! We got to get down to business!
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Hold still, Gary. Uhhhhhh! Come on, buddy! [Gary hisses and meows] Uhh! Uhh! There. Oh, you're like a little cuddly present. [laughs]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: And the piece de resistance: glow-in-the-dark paint. Hey, where are you going? Gary, wait. We got to go back to the pet show!
  • Gary: Meow?
  • SpongeBob: Because we have got to show those other pets we are just as fancy as they are. [Gary's tongue spits] Oh, come on, Gary. Don't be this way. I'm doing it for you, not me.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: That's what I like to hear because I can bring this out. Your very own studded collar. With two rows of diamonds. Here, try it on. Now, let's get back out there and knock them out of their shells.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, what are you doing?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm so glad you just happened to show up. Help me. [Whispers. Gary tries to get away, but they both grab him and put him into a bathtub. Patrick opens Gary's mouth so SpongeBob can brush his teeth] Gary, stop it! I'm only doing this because I love you. [cut to later where SpongeBob and Patrick are walking Gary down the street] Gary, look, it's him.
  • Charles: Come, now, Foof. Put your tail up, up, up.
  • SpongeBob: Hello! Sorry to bother you. Just wanted to get your opinion on my snail, Gary.
  • Charles: [laughs] My boy, don't seem to get it, do you? There's only one way to prove your pet's beauty. By winning the pet contest. But I wouldn't bother, seeing as how Foofie and I have won in the past five years! [laughs] Oh, well, enough mingling with the common folk. Let's go win our medal, Foof. [Opens his umbrella as he and Foofie fly over to the pet show]
  • SpongeBob: This is it, Gary. This is our time to shine! [He, Gary and Patrick go into the pet show] Wow, Patrick. There's a whole lot of pet loving going on here today.
  • Patrick: Yeah. You and Gary don't have a chance.
  • Store owner: Excuse me, sir, but all non-pet owners must remain behind this rope.
  • Patrick: Now, what am I gonna do? I'm all alone behind this rope!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm right here.
  • Patrick: You don't understand, SpongeBob! You'll never understand what it's like to be alone behind the red rope! [starts crying and runs away]
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Gary. He'll be back in time to see us win first place. Now, let's go scope out the competition.
  • Fish #5: There it is, Mrs. Squiggles. Your new hairdo.
  • Fish #6: There you go, Muffsies. Oh, isn't that cute.
  • Muffsies: Meeeeoooowww!
  • Fish #6: [gasps] Poor Muffsies, your shades slipped right off your little eyes? Lucky I brought an extra smaller pair. Uhhhhhhhh! [Puts it on Muffsies' eyes]
  • Muffsies: [Growling]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm... Maybe you needs some shades, eh, Gare? [Sees Gary eating his leash] Silly boy, you're not supposed to eat the leash.
  • Gary: Meow!
  • SpongeBob: Come on, buddy.
  • Fish #7: Now, let's try this cape.
  • Kenney: [sighs]
  • SpongeBob: Boy, these pets are gussied today. Maybe I need a top hat or something to class it up a bit. Gary? Oh, thanks for reminding me. I didn't know your collar was loose. [Gary coughs] Now, let's go get that top hat, buddy. Uhhhhhhhhhh! There you go.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • Judge: All right, let's see. [examines each snail] Uh-huh. Decent Stalk Length. Oh, good hinge action. Ah, Foofie. Excellent bow stretch. Well-defined eyelid capillaries. Foofie is looking as good as ever, Charles.
  • Charles: Oh, why, thank you, sir.
  • Judge: [moves onto Gary] Okay, let's have a look-see, shall we? Ah, yes, good spacing on the larynx. Nice gastric chamber. All within breed description.
  • SpongeBob: It's in the bag!
  • Judge: Now, if we can just check the undercarriage. [Gary screeches and bites the judge]
  • Gary: Meoooooowwwwwww! [everyone gasps]
  • SpongeBob: Gary, no! Gary, you spit him out right now! [takes Gary off of the judge’s head as he slithers goes over to the podium. To the judge] I'm sorry. He usually only bites me.
  • [Gary goes over to the podium.]
  • Gary: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow.
  • Gary: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, MEOWWWW!!!!
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
  • Gary: Meow, meow! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Meooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww!
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
  • Fish #8: Muffsies, you're angry.
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow!
  • Fish #9: What's going on?
  • Pets: Meesssssss! Meow! Meow! Meow!
  • Charles: What a hideous display. At least I know you would never behave like all these heathens, right, Foofie?
  • [Foofie snarls, takes off the collar and monocle, and attacks Charles.]
  • Charles: Foofie? Foofie!
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
  • Gary: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! [Flames burn as the sign Bikini Bottom Pet Show turns into Pet Riot]
  • Mrs. Squiggles: Grrrrohhhhhhhhhhhh! Meow!
  • Drake: Ohhhgrrrrrrr...
  • Fish #6: No Muffsies, no!... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Fish #10: No, wait! Wait! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Victoria: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Fish #11: Ahhhhhhhhhhohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Max: Uhh!
  • Fish #12: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Pets: Grrrrrrohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ruff, ruff!
  • Charles: Foofie, what have you done?
  • Foofie: Grrrrrrrrrrrr...
  • Charles: What's this about? Does anyone speak snail?
  • SpongeBob: I speak a little bit, sir. I know what they're saying. They're saying: Owners, owners, owners, owners, owners, owners, owners. Please, please, please, please please, please, please don't be this way. They're saying they don't want this type of pampering. They want to be treated as companions, not dress-up dolls. They don't want scratchy outfits, they want to be scratched! They are protesting the indignity of wigs and jewel-encrusted collars and they want to be free from superficial and degrading pageants, like these.
  • Pets: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
  • SpongeBob: You were trying to tell me that all along, weren't you, Gary?
  • Gary: Meow, meow!
  • SpongeBob: Well, I won't let it happen again.
  • Judge: Well, I think we can all agree that this year’s groomers cup goes to... SpongeBob and his wonderful pet!
  • SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Gary? They're rewarding you for standing up and speaking out against injustice. Maybe these pageants aren't so superficial after all.
  • Judge: What are you talking about? The snail didn't win, I was referring to your other pet. He's so adorable.
  • Patrick: [on a leash] Woof, woof! [Sticks his tongue out and wags his ‘tail’]