Graveyard Shift/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/36a

• Narrator: Ah, The Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about...
• Squidward: [talks cheerfully as he switched the Open sign to Closed] Now! 8:00! So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is: [pulls out his clarinet] Clarinet. [Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it, causing Squidward to drop his clarinet] What?
• Tom: Are you open?
• Squidward: [points to sign] Read the sign.
• Tom: I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
• Squidward: No, you won't! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life.
• Tom: Well fine, if you don't want my money!
• Mr. Krabs: [says cheerfully] MONEY?! [Mr. Krabs then falls from the ceiling on top of Squidward] You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
• Tom: [pulls out cash, Sadie, an anchovy, and an old man appear behind him] Sure!
• Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, [tears up the Closed sign] welcome to the night shift. From now on, the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
• Squidward: WHAT!? [crowd of fish barge in cheering]
• SpongeBob: Wow! Now we never have to stop working!
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs..
• Mr. Krabs: See ya in the morning, boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. [leaves]
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs?
• SpongeBob: Isn't this great Squidward?! Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours and then the sun'll come up and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! [jumps on cash register counter] Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
• Squidward: No.
• SpongeBob: Good! 'Cause we've got customers!
• Squidward: [Sandals walks up to counter; Squidward hands him a baseball bat] Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.
• SpongeBob: Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen [laughs] at night!
• Squidward: [takes hat off; leans head on counter] Don't hold back.
• SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob in kitchen] Hey Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce..at night. [cuts to SpongeBob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself] Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom...at night. [cuts to SpongeBob at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill; screams] I BURNED MY HAND!!...at night. [cuts to SpongeBob walking on the counter, singing to the tune of Charge] Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-na-night! NIGHT!
• Squidward: WILL YOU PLEASE?! Here, [hands SpongeBob a bag of garbage] give me a moment's peace and take out the trash!
• SpongeBob: All right! [takes bag from Squidward] Taking out the trash. Taking out the trash...at night. [stops at the door] You mean outside?
• Squidward: That's where the dumpster is, yes.
• SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward, [leans face against window] it's kinda dark out there.
• Squidward: But I thought you liked the night shift.
• SpongeBob: You're right! [lifts bag over his head] For the Krusty Krab! [runs out of the building to the dumpster, screaming and panicking the whole way; reenters the building panting heavily. snaps his fingers and confidently says] Piece of cake!
• Squidward: So you're not afraid?
• SpongeBob: Pfft, nah.
• Squidward: Well I am. Especially after, [looks around, gulps] well, you know.
• SpongeBob: [turns around] What? What do I know?
• Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news.
• SpongeBob: Tell me! Tell me!
• Squidward: No, no, no, I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you. [gives a sympathetic look, then smiles slyly]
• SpongeBob: [excitedly] What happened, what happened, what happened!?
• Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the [thinks] "Hash-Slinging Slasher?"
• SpongeBob: The Slash-Bringing Hasher?
• Squidward: The Hash-Slinging Slasher!
• SpongeBob: The Sash-Ringing, the Trash-Singing, Mash-Flinging, The Flash-Springing, Ringing, The Cr-Crash-Dinging, daa.
• Squidward: Yes. The Hash-Slinging Slasher. But, most people just call him The Ha [breaks into scream] because that's all they have time to say before he GETS THEM!
• SpongeBob: [begging] Tell me the story!
• Squidward: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook - just like you - only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties ...it happened.
• SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
• Squidward: No.
• SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
• Squidward: No!
• SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
• Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake.
• SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place] Or like this? [pulls it again, another one grows back] Or this? [does it again] Or this? [does it again] But what about this? Or this, or this, or this, or...
• Squidward: [interrupts] Except he wasn't a sponge!
• SpongeBob: [ask with all his extra hands creating a rainbow-like line] So?
• Squidward: SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK!!
• SpongeBob: [screams] OH, NO! [all his extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away]
• Squidward: And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. And then, he got hit by a bus! And..at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every...what day is it?
• SpongeBob: Tuesday.
• Squidward: Tuesday night, his ghost returns to The Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance.
• SpongeBob: [gasps] But tonight's Tuesday night!
• Squidward: Then he'll be coming.
• SpongeBob: How will we know?
• Squidward: There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next..
• Harold: [interrupts] Dude, can I have some ketchup?
• Squidward: Oh, here you go. [hands him ketchup] Next, the phone will ring and there will be nobody there. [shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails] And finally, the Hash- Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over. [shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails, starts eating his arms, the arms regrows and he eats those and then he eats his arms like popcorn] Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways because he's already dead! [SpongeBob begins eating his hands like popcorn]Then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand..
• SpongeBob: No.
• Squidward: He opens the door [pushes his tentacle to SpongeBob's face, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he imitates the sound of a squeaky door opening. leans torwards SpongeBob's face, which sinks in] He slowly approaches the counter ["counter" echoes menacingly] ...and you know what he does next?
• SpongeBob: What?
• Squidward: You really want to know?
• SpongeBob: What?
• Squidward: Are you sure you want to know?
• SpongeBob: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DOES HE DO?!?!
• Squidward: [sneaks up on SpongeBob, taps him] He gets ya! [SpongeBob now screams repeatedly for about 20 seconds while Squidward is laughing] SpongeBob... [continues screaming] SpongeBob I wa... [screaming continues] I was ju... [SpongeBob's pupils are now screaming too] I was jus... [screaming continues] SPONGEBOB, I WAS JOKING!
• SpongeBob: What?
• Squidward: It's not true! None of it's true!
• SpongeBob: It's not?
• Squidward: Of course not. Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke.
• SpongeBob: Ohhhhh. [laughs repeatedly like he did with screaming] [cuts into later in the night. Shows Krusty Krab with a big sign that says 'Open Forever']
• Squidward is shown at the counter reading a book. Squidward hears spooky noises and feels water dripping on him but he doesn't know what it is
• SpongeBob: [on the ceiling wearing suction cups cleaning] Isn't this great, Squidward? [Squidward screams] There's never time to wash the ceiling during the day.
• Squidward: [says to himself] Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?
• [cuts to Patrick's bedroom]
• Patrick: [Patrick's alarm clock goes off] Oh boy! Three A.M.! [whips out a Krabby Patty and starts to eat it; cuts back to The Krusty Krab]
• Squidward: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here! [lights start to flicker on and off] Very funny, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: What?
• Squidward: "And the lights will flicker on and off." Just like the story. I get it. [realizes no one is flickering the light switch and looks shocked]
• SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how are you doing that without moving the switch?
• Squidward: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid, faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a day! [phone rings, Squidward picks it up] What, what, hello? Hello? Hello?
• SpongeBob: [walks up to the counter] Nice try, Squidward.
• Squidward: Nice try, what?
• SpongeBob: "The phone will ring and there will be no one there." [raises eyebrows up and down and giggles] Oh, you crack me up.
• Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm not doing this. [hangs up phone] Oh no, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it? There was the lights, [lights flicker on and off] and the phone, [phone rings] and the walls will ooze green slime! [walls start to ooze green slime] No, wait. They always do that. But what was that third thing? [hears a motor, turns his head; a bus pulls up to the Krusty Krab doors]
• SpongeBob: [walks up to the counter] I didn't know the buses ran this late.
• Squidward: They don't! [a man gets out of the bus and the bus pulls away, all Squidward and SpongeBob can see is his spooky outline]
• SpongeBob: Well they're dropping someone off. [from the outside, the man lifts his spatula]
• Squidward: [screams to the point where hair grows from his head and starts wiggling]
• Squidward: THE SASH-RINGING, FLASH-SINGING, THE BASH-PINGING...
• SpongeBob: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! [starts to cry]
• Squidward: At last you understand! We're doomed!
• SpongeBob: No, that's not it. [wipes tear] I am just so touched that you would go through the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry cook and stand on the other side of the street, just to entertain me! You must really like me! [cries again]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One - I hate you. And two - how can that be me when I'm standing right here!? [the man taps on the door with his spatula]
• SpongeBob: [screams to the point where his eyelashes grow and start wiggling]
• SpongeBob and Squidward: THE HASH-SLINGING SLASHER!!! [the guy walks in the door and up to the counter]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you!
• SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
• Squidward: Huh? [a nerdy unnamed guy reaches the counter]
• The Unnamed Guy: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. [holds up spatula] I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.
• SpongeBob: Do you have references?
• Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights? [lights flicker on and off; SpongeBob, Squidward and the unnamed guy look over to see Nosferatu]
• SpongeBob, Squidward and The Unnamed Guy: Nosferatu!
• Nosferatu: [smiles. light turns off]