This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Graveyard Shift" from season 2, which aired on September 6, 2002.
- [The episode begins at night at the Krusty Krab, where it is closing time.]
- French Narrator: Ah, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about...
- Squidward: [talks cheerfully as he switches the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Now! 8:00! [takes off his Krusty Krab uniform hat] So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is: [pulls out his clarinet] Clarinet. [Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it, causing Squidward to drop his clarinet] What?
- Tom: Are you open?
- Squidward: [points to the sign] Read the sign.
- Tom: [ignores him] I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
- Squidward: No, you won't. I can't hang out here all night, I've got a life!
- Tom: Well, fine, if you don't want my money!
- Mr. Krabs: [says cheerfully] Money?! [Mr. Krabs then falls from the ceiling on top of Squidward] You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
- Tom: [pulls out cash; Incidental 49, Incidental 30, and Incidental 85 appear behind him] Sure!
- Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, [tears up the "Closed" sign] welcome to the night shift. From now on, [he puts a spare Krusty Krab uniform hat on Squidward's head] the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
- Squidward: [gets up] What!? [crowd of fish barge in cheering and tramples Squidward]
- SpongeBob: [gasps] Wow! Now we never have to stop working!
- Squidward: [gets up again] Mr. Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: See ya in the mornin', boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. [leaves]
- Squidward: Mr. Krabs?
- SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward?! Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours and then the sun'll come up and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! [jumps on cash register counter] Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
- Squidward: No.
- SpongeBob: Good! 'Cause we've got customers! [jumps through the window above the register, into the kitchen]
- Squidward: [Sandals walks up to counter; Squidward hands him a baseball bat] Here, please hit me as hard as you can.
- SpongeBob: Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen [giggles] at night!
- Squidward: [takes hat off; leans head on counter] Don't hold back.
- SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob in the kitchen] Hey, Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce...at night. [cuts to SpongeBob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself] Look at me, I'm swabbin' the bathroom...at night. [cuts to SpongeBob at the grill picking up his spatula. He misses the spatula and hits the grill; screams] I burned my hand!...at night. [puts his thumb and pointer finger out; it sizzles] [cuts to SpongeBob walking on the order boat, singing to the tune of Charge] Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-na-night! Night!
- Squidward: [shouting] Will you please?! Here, [hands SpongeBob a bag of garbage] give me a moment's peace and take out the trash.
- SpongeBob: All right! [takes bag from Squidward] Takin' out the trash. Takin' out the trash at ni— [stops at the door and stares at the dumpster outside in the dark] You mean outside?
- Squidward: That's where the dumpster is, yes.
- SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward, [leans face against window] it's kinda dark out there.
- Squidward: But I thought you liked the night shift.
- SpongeBob: You're right. [lifts bag over his head] For the Krusty Krab! [runs out of the building to the dumpster, screaming and panicking the whole way; reenters the building panting heavily. He snaps his fingers and confidently says] Piece of cake.
- Squidward: So you're not afraid?
- SpongeBob: [walking past Squidward] Pfft, nah.
- Squidward: Well, I am. Especially after, [looks around, gulps] well, you know.
- SpongeBob: [stops and turns around] What? What do I know?
- Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news.
- SpongeBob: Tell me, tell me!
- Squidward: No, no, no, I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you. [gives a sympathetic look, then smiles slyly]
- SpongeBob: [excitedly] What happened, what happened, what happened?!
- Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... [thinks] "Hash-Slinging Slasher?"
- SpongeBob: [a little confused] The Slash-Bringing Hasher?
- Squidward: The Hash-Slinging Slasher!
- SpongeBob: The Sash-Ringing, the Trash-Singing, Mash-Flinging, The Flash-Springing, Ringing, The Cr-Crash-Dinging, daa...
- Squidward: Yes... The Hash-Slinging Slasher. But, most people just call him The Ha---[breaks into scream] because that's all they have time to say, before he [shouting] gets 'em!
- SpongeBob: [begging] Tell me the story!
- Squidward: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook, just like you, only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties... it happened.
- SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
- Squidward: No.
- SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
- Squidward: No.
- SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
- Squidward: No! He cut off his own hand by mistake.
- SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place] Or like this? [pulls it again, another one grows back] Or this? [does it again] Or this? [does it again] But what about this? Or this, or this, or this, or-
- Squidward: [interrupts] Except he wasn't a sponge!
- SpongeBob: [ask with all his extra hands creating a rainbow-like line] So?
- Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
- SpongeBob: [screams] Oh, no! [all his extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away]
- Squidward: And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. And then, he got hit by a bus! And...at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every...what day is it?
- SpongeBob: Tuesday.
- Squidward: Tuesday night, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance.
- SpongeBob: [gasps] But tonight's Tuesday night!
- Squidward: Then he'll be coming.
- SpongeBob: How will we know?
- Squidward: There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next...
- Harold: [interrupts] Dude, can I have some ketchup?
- Squidward: Oh, here you go. [hands him ketchup packet] Next, the phone will ring and there will be nobody there. [shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails] And finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus, that ran him over! [shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails, starts eating his arms, the arms regrow and he eats those] Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways, because he's already dead! [SpongeBob begins eating his hands like popcorn] Then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand...
- SpongeBob: No.
- Squidward: He opens the door... [pushes his tentacle to SpongeBob's face, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he imitates the sound of a creaky door opening. leans towards SpongeBob's face, which sinks in] He slowly approaches the counter! ["counter" echoes menacingly] ...And y'know what he does next?
- SpongeBob: What?
- Squidward: You really want to know?
- SpongeBob: What?
- Squidward: Are you sure you want to know?
- SpongeBob: What, what, what does he do?!
- Squidward: [sneaks up on SpongeBob, then taps him] He gets ya!
- [SpongeBob screams repeatedly for about 20 seconds while Squidward is laughing. Everyone stares at SpongeBob in confusion and concern. Squidward eventually stops laughing.]
- Squidward: SpongeBob... [SpongeBob continues screaming] SpongeBob, I wa... [SpongeBob continues screaming] I was ju... [SpongeBob continues screaming] I was jus... [SpongeBob's pupils are now screaming, too, causing Squidward to lose his temper] SpongeBob, I was joking!
- SpongeBob: What?
- Squidward: It's not true. None of it's true.
- SpongeBob: It's not?
- Squidward: Of course not. Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke.
- SpongeBob: Ohhhhh... [laughs repeatedly like he did with screaming, much to Squidward's annoyance.]
- [Cut into later in the night. It shows Krusty Krab with a big sign that says "Open Forever."]
- [Squidward is shown at the counter reading a book. Squidward hears spooky noises and the sound of water dripping but he doesn't know what it is.]
- SpongeBob: [on the ceiling wearing suction cups cleaning] Isn't this great, Squidward? [Squidward screams] There's never time to wash the ceiling during the day.
- Squidward: [says to himself] Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning?!
- [cuts to Patrick's bedroom. Patrick's alarm clock goes off.]
- Patrick: [turns off the alarm] Oh, boy! 3 A.M.! [whips out a Krabby Patty from under his blanket and starts to eat it; cuts back to The Krusty Krab]
- Squidward: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here. [lights start to flicker on and off] Very funny, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: What?
- Squidward: "And the lights will flicker on and off," just like the story. I get it. [realizes no one is flickering the light switch and looks shocked]
- SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, how are you doing that without moving the switch?
- Squidward: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid, faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a day! [phone rings, Squidward picks it up] What, what, hello? Hello? Hello? [no one's on the other end of the line]
- SpongeBob: [walks up to the counter] Nice try, Squidward.
- Squidward: Nice try, what?
- SpongeBob: "The phone will ring and there will be no one there." [raises eyebrows up and down and giggles] Oh, you crack me up.
- Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm not doing this. [hangs up phone] Oh no, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it, there was the lights... [lights flicker on and off] and the phone... [phone rings] and... the walls will ooze green slime?! [walls start to ooze green slime] Oh, wait, they always do that. But what was that third thing? [hears a motor, turns his head and opens his eyes wide; a bus pulls up to the Krusty Krab doors]
- SpongeBob: [walks up to the counter] I didn't know the buses ran this late.
- Squidward: They don't... [the bus pulls away, dropping off a man on the opposite side of the street, all Squidward and SpongeBob can see is his spooky outline.]
- SpongeBob: Well, they're droppin' someone off.
- [From the outside, the man lifts his spatula. Squidward screams in terror to the point where hair grows from his head and starts wiggling.]
- Squidward: The Sash-Ringing, Flash-Singing, the Bash-Pinging...
- SpongeBob: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! [starts to cry]
- Squidward: At last you understand! We're doomed!
- SpongeBob: No, that's not it. [wipes tear] I am just so touched that you would go through the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry cook and stand on the other side of the street, just to entertain me! You must really like me! [cries again]
- Squidward: SpongeBob, there are 2 problems with your theory. 1: I hate you. And 2: how can that be me when I'm standing right here?!
- [The man taps on the door with his spatula. SpongeBob screams in terror to the point where his eyelashes grow and starts wiggling.]
- SpongeBob and Squidward: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! [the guy walks in the door and up to the counter, SpongeBob and Squidward hold each other in terror]
- Squidward: [screams]
- SpongeBob: Get away from me! He's going to flip me! Get away! Get away!
- Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you.
- SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
- Squidward: Huh? [the guy reaches the counter, revealing himself to be a green little man in a purple coat as he steps into the light]
- SpongeBob: Get away! Get away! Get out of here! You're not welcome here!
- Richard: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. [holds up spatula, his sleeve rolls down his arm to show he has his hand] I called earlier, but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.
- SpongeBob: Do you have references?
- Squidward: [lets go of SpongeBob] Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights? [lights flicker on and off; SpongeBob, Squidward, and Incidental 189 look over and camera darts over to see a vampire named Nosferatu, who's flicking a giant light switch]
- SpongeBob, Squidward, and Richard: Nosferatu!
- Nosferatu: [he smiles and turns the light off, ending the episode]