Template:EpisodeTr/26a
- [SpongeBob is standing on a hill looking at his grandma's house]
- SpongeBob: There it is! Grandma's house! What wonders await me today? Fresh-baked cookies? Story time? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for? [runs down the hill] Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!
- Grandma: SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob: Hi, Grandma! [hugs her as the two walk into the kitchen]
- Grandma: Come in and sit for a while. [gives SpongeBob a plate of cookies] Have a cookie, SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea. [grabs a cookie and dips it in some milk] Oh yeah... [eats it. His eyes turn into cookies] Grandma's cookies...
- Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon? [SpongeBob raises his hand]
- SpongeBob: Me, me, me! [cut to Grandma telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon]
- Grandma: ...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows down in the freezing cold.
- SpongeBob: Tell me another story about when I was a baby. [cuckoo clock strikes three. SpongeBob gasps] Three o'clock? I'm gonna be late for work!
- Grandma: Hop in my car, I'll drop you off. [cut to Grandma driving up to the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma! [hops out of the car]
- Grandma: SpongeBob, you forgot your kissy-kissy! [SpongeBob turns around and heads back to Grandma. Squidward is watching from the window]
- SpongeBob: I sure did. [Grandma gives him a kiss, leaving a red print on his forehead of her lips] Bye, Grandma, thanks for the ride. [Squidward opens the door for SpongeBob] Thank you, Squidward. [walks inside to some laughing from everyone] Isn't this great? Everybody's in a good mood today.
- Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob, but they're laughing at you, not with you.
- SpongeBob: Did I do something funny?
- Squidward: Your forehead. [points to the kiss]
- SpongeBob: My forehead is funny?
- Charlie: Hey, hey, Grandma's boy? Kissy-kissy-kissy! [everyone laughs]
- SpongeBob: No, you're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma.
- Charlie: No, especially if you're a big baby who wears diapers! [everyone laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... [soon, everyone stops laughing] ...wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and...
- Customers: All right already!
- Squidward: Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
- SpongeBob: Really? You do, Squidward?
- Squidward: Yeah, your grandma! [everyone laughs. SpongeBob tries getting the kiss off with his hand and a mop but nothing seems to work. Everyone is still laughing at him]
- SpongeBob: STOP IT...! [everyone stops] I have been publicly humiliated for the last time! [runs out crying. Fade to SpongeBob's house]
- Patrick: I'm sorry that happened to you, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Me, too.
- Patrick: You're the most adult person I know.
- SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick.
- Patrick: You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
- SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick.
- Patrick: Have I ever not been right? [cut to a picture of SpongeBob on a rocket, a picture of SpongeBob & Patrick in dapper suits and black boots, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
- SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
- Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob does so] Now say "tax exemption."
- SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
- Patrick: Now, you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. [jazz music plays] Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready! [cut to both walking up on the hill facing Grandma's house] This is it. What are you going to tell Grandma?
- SpongeBob: I'm a grownup.
- Patrick: No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
- SpongeBob: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
- Patrick: And then you get behind her and I'll push.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, we didn't say that.
- Patrick: Oh yeah, right.
- SpongeBob: All we need now is the icing on the maturity cake. [takes out a suitcase] I've been growing these babies for years. [opens it to reveal sideburns. Both of them take a pair and put them on]
- SpongeBob & Patrick: Sideburns. [SpongeBob knocks on Grandma's door]
- Grandma: [opens door] Oh, hello, SpongeBob. What a nice surprise. Come here and give your Granny her kissy-kissy. [as she is about to kiss him, SpongeBob puts on a helmet to block it]
- SpongeBob: Sorry, grandmother, but the kissing has to stop.
- Patrick: Tell her like it is, SpongeBob, no more baby stuff.
- SpongeBob: He is right, Grandmother. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature's way.
- Grandma: Oh, you are absolutely right.
- SpongeBob: I am? I mean, of course I am.
- Grandma: You will definitely not be treated like a baby around here anymore ever again.
- SpongeBob: I am glad you see it my way, mother. [puts on a hat]
- Grandma: Well, I'm glad that's settled. [holds out a tray of cookies] But what am I going to do with all these fresh baked cookies?
- SpongeBob: [chuckles] Sorry, grandmother, we adults don't partake in the consumption of sweets, right, Pat... [notices Patrick isn't there] ...rick? [cut to Patrick sitting at the kitchen table]
- Patrick: Keep 'em coming, Granny! [scarfs down the cookies as SpongeBob watches from a window]
- SpongeBob: So much for no more baby stuff.
- Grandma: And don't forget the cookie-eating hat! [puts a red hat on top of Patrick's head]
- SpongeBob: Hey, that's my cookie-eating hat! I mean it was when I was a baby. [knocks on the door. His Grandma opens it]
- Grandma: Well, look who's here. It's my big old adult grandson.
- SpongeBob: Grandmother, I need to have a mature conversation with Mr Patrick. [runs up to Patrick] Patrick, what do you think you're doing? Cookies? Warm milk? A bib? [points to it, which reads "I heart Grandma"] Is that a kissy mark on your forehead? We are supposed to be adults[bangs on the table]
- Grandma: Oh, oh, no roughhousing with a full tummy. [tickles Patrick] Who's the baby?
- Patrick: I'm the baby, I'm the baby, I'm the baby! [SpongeBob clears his throat] Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don't get jazz.
- SpongeBob: [chuckles] Poor Patrick. I almost feel sorry for you. [takes out a pipe and blows bubbles from it] Trapped in the awkward phase of diaper days never to know the rich rewards of being a grownup. [Grandma comes back with more cookies]
- Grandma: Here's a fresh batch of cookies.
- Patrick: All right! [inhales them] Rewards, huh?
- SpongeBob: Well, yeah, there's, eh... [sees Patrick eating cookies with his mouth open] well, let's see, the... [a cookie rolls over to his side] We went over the jazz... [Patrick grabs the cookie and eats it]
- Patrick: Oh, Grandma, I'm full. [Grandma sets down another plate of cookies]
- Grandma: More cookies! [Patrick uses his mouth like a vacuum and eats all the cookies. One cookie rolls over by SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: It appears to be my lunch hour. Grownups have to eat to. I guess this will have to do. [Grandma takes the cookie away]
- Grandma: Oh, you don't want this baby food. How about a big piece of steamed coral? [gives him some]
- SpongeBob: Oh yeah, uh... great. [takes a couple bites of it] Nutritious.
- Grandma: Storytime! [Patrick runs to Grandma]
- Patrick: Oh boy! Storytime, storytime, storytime!
- SpongeBob: Storytime? [Patrick is looking over Grandma's shoulder]
- Grandma: You'll enjoy this, Patrick. It's a wonderful story about a magical sea leprechaun. [SpongeBob walks in] Oh, SpongeBob, you wouldn't be interested in this baby born. [drops a giant book on the floor] Here's the technical manual on routine active maintenance.
- SpongeBob: Oh, uh... great. Yeah. [opens the book] Fascinating. No pictures, just the way I like it. [while eating a cookie, Patrick catches his finger right in the fuck leaving a big red bruise]
- Patrick: [acting like a 2-year old] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!! My wittle finger!!!!!!!! [sobs]
- Grandma:Hold still, hold still.
- Patrick: You Stupid Asshole!!!!!!!!!!
- Grandma:[kisses his finger] All better?}}
- Patrick: [talking normally] Sorta. [holds up his butt] My butthole hurts a little bit too. [Grandma kisses his bare butt]
- Grandma: How about I give you a wind job?
- Patrick: Oh, boy, I hope it's cookies! [opens up the box to find a sweater but puts it on his head] Alright, another hat.
- Grandma: No, Patrick, it's a sweater?
- SpongeBob: Huh?
- Grandma: With love in every stitch.
- SpongeBob: No... [imagines himself in the sweater instead of Patrick. The sweater tears in half] Don't I get a present, Grandma?
- Grandma: Oh, I almost forgot. [hands him some office supplies] Here's some office supplies. I didn't wrap them. I knew you wouldn't mind. [cuckoo clock strikes three again] Uh-oh, three o'clock, time for adults to go to work. Bye-bye, SpongeBob.
- [Patrick gets the sweater on] I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? [Patrick yawns] You still here, SpongeBob?
- SpongeBob: Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
- Grandma: [puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.
- SpongeBob: Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, uh, I'll see yah later.
- Grandma: Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Yep, that is it. Here I go.
- Grandma: Come again if you get the chance. [SpongeBob opens the door]
- SpongeBob: Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.
- Grandma: Toodleloo.
- SpongeBob: I don't know when I'll be back.
- Grandma: I know how busy you are.
- SpongeBob: So, uh... that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]
- Grandma: Shh, he's asleep. [SpongeBob slowly closes the door]
- SpongeBob: Soo long... [closes the door but then opens it with sad eyes. His sideburns fall off of him] I don't wanna grow up! [holds up a giant cookie and snaps it in half] I want cookies! [holds up a giant bottle] And milky! [wears a sweater] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! [runs around in a diaper putting powder in] I wanna wear diapies! [rides in a wagon] I wanna ride in my wagon! [holds his teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Snuffykins! [rides his rocking horse with a sailor hat on and a lollipop] I wanna rocky-rock in my seahorsey! [holds up his bruised finger] And I want kissy-kissy on my butt fuck!!!!!!!! [Cries this instant as he falls on the floor in his front body, slaming his fists on the floor. He then rolls like a wheel. Grandma is shocked and sad for him. SpongeBob sprays his tears in his mouth. He ratchets like a lawn sprinkler, almost spinning around and sprays tears everywhere. He spins even faster and floods the whole house]
- Grandma: Take it easy, SpongeBob. [picks up SpongeBob] SpongeBob? SpongeBob? [holds SpongeBob's lips] You don't have to be a baby to get ol' Grandma's love.
- SpongeBob: [sniffles] I don't?
- Grandma: Of course not. [pulls the plug under the water to drain it] No matter how grown-up you get, you'll always be my little baby boo. [kisses his forehead] And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. [hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a cookie] Here you go. [SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]
- SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma. [bites the cookie] Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?
- Grandma: No problem. [hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing]