[Mr. Krabs is laughing in his office as he is reading a book. SpongeBob and Squidward show up]
SpongeBob: Exciting reading, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh. You bet you, SpongeBob. Listen to this. Individual waste of the enus will substantially broaden the probability of multiple substantial visits, generating an inverse negative revenue margin of three quarters and one half of one percent: meaning if you call the customers by their names, they keep coming to spend more of their green back! So I want you two to learn the names of every customer.
Squidward: I have an important life to live, and it doesn't include chattering with you two ninnies.
Mr. Krabs: I thought you might say that, so I decided to turn this into a contest. The employee who learns more names wins this. [Squidward takes a brochure and gasps]
Squidward: A tropical getaway? On the triple decker Conhugo cruise liner? Sunbathing—Parcheesi—ballroom dancing! This is going to be so easy. SpongeBob doesn't realize that I'm the face of The Krusty Krab. While he's isolated in the kitchen all day, Ill be out here, building a rapport with the customers. [walks up to Evelyn eating] Hello. May I get you anything else, Miss--
Evelyn: Since when do you give two shrimps about customer service, Mr. Grouchy Squidguy?
SpongeBob: Hi, Sally! Hi, Sadie! Hi, Shubie!
Squidward: How does SpongeBob know all these names?
SpongeBob: Right back at you, Lenny!
Squidward: Hey, SpongeBob, could you take a look in the cash register? I think it's broken.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure, Squidward.
Squidward: I think you might need a closer look. Let me give you a hand. [shoves SpongeBob in the cash register]
SpongeBob: I can't see anything in here, Squidward.
Squidward: Keep looking, SpongeBob. keep on looking. [walks up to Thaddeus] So, what's your name? [SpongeBob squeezes out of a mustard bottle]
SpongeBob: Hi, Thaddeus!
Squidward: Good-bye, SpongeBob. [takes the mustard bottle from Thaddeus and puts in on the ground outside. Stomps on it and sends SpongeBob soaring in the background. Then he walks back in The Krusty Krab] That should buy me enough time to win that cruise. [Gus walks in]
Gus: Good day, young sir! My name is-- [SpongeBob pops up from under his hat]
Gus: He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.
Squidward:[grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all these names, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]
Squidward:[grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob! [jumps from table to table saying all the customers names] Let's see. Halbert, Norma, Isabelle, Gus, Chas, Pelar, Jess, Cara, Ivy, Harv, Mable, Mavis-- [crawls up to Suzie who is eating her food] And your name is—Suzie Fish, correct?
Suzie: Yes, and you'd also be correct in saying you ruined my food with your sweat, you nitwit! [walks away]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! That's the last customer. Do I win?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, well, actually, I wasn't keeping score. But I'll just say that you and SpongeBob are neck and neck. That mystery guy over there will be the tie breaker. ["That mystery guy" eats his food]
Squidward: Uh, that's, that's--
SpongeBob: Oh, that's-- that's-- I know him. It's-- something.
Mr. Krabs: He's the ticket to your prize.
Squidward:[shoves SpongeBob] Out of the way, loser. [runs over to Customer #4] Um, hello. My name is Squidward. [Customer #4 looks at him with an annoyed face] Uh, so, what's your name?
Customer #4: What's it to ya?
Squidward: Uh, it's just that I was going to—enter your name in our sweepstakes! [takes out paper and pen] So, what should I put down?
Customer #4:[gulps] First and last name?
Customer #4: Yeah, why don't you write this on your form. What's it-- [inhales deeply] --to ya?! Now leave me alone! [eats his food as SpongeBob walks over]
Squidward:[whispers to SpongeBob] I see he wants to play hard to get. So be it! I have ways of making the likes of him talk. [runs up to the customer with a cup of soda] Uh, sir, you forgot your soda.
Customer #4: I didn't order any soda.
Squidward: It's on the house. [the customer smiles as Squidward throws the soda in his face]
Customer #4: What the barnacles are you doing?
Squidward: Oh, I'm sorry, I slipped. Here, let me get that off of you. [takes the customer's jacket off] Okay, there must be a name tag or some form of I.D. in here.
Customer #4:[takes his jacket from Squidward] I don't need your help. [puts the jacket on] I'm out of here! [Squidward follows him]
Squidward: Hey, look up in the sky! A giant meteor is hurtling towards Earth.
Customer #4: Where? [Squidward reaches inside his jacket and takes out his wallet]
Squidward: Oh, you'll see it, Just keep looking.
Customer #4: I can't see it.
Squidward: Well, that's too bad, because I found what I was looking for. [laughs as he runs off with the wallet]
Customer #4: Hey! Come back here! Give me my wallet! [traffic sign changes to "Stop" as Squidward, who is still laughing runs past a policefish who is eating a doughnut. mumbling on the walkie-talkie]
Policefish:[drops his doughnut] Holy sea cow! That hooligan ran a stop sign. [chases after Squidward]
Customer #4: Stop, thief!
Policefish: You know that guy?
Customer #4: Hardly. He stole my wallet.
Policefish: What? That makes him a dual offender. Let's get him! [Squidward runs up a ladder to the top of a building as Policefish blows his whistle. at last, Squidward was on the top of the building]
Squidward:[laughs] Finally, the moment of truth! Say good-bye to anonymity, Mr.--
Policefish:[grabs the wallet] Freeze thief!
Squidward: No, you don't understand. I only want the wallet for--
Customer #4: We know exactly why you want it, wallet snatcher. [Squidward tries not letting go of the wallet]
Squidward:[grunting] This isn't as it seems!
Policefish: That's what you'll be saying in the slammer, punk. [the wallet rips. Squidward grabs his license]
Squidward:[gasps] His driver's license! [laughs] At last! At last! And your name is-- [sees Customer #4's face and everything on it] Mr. What Zit Tooya? What kind of ridiculous name is that?
Customer #4: It's my ridiculous name! "What Zit Tooya!"
Policefish:[hits Squidward on the head with his nightstick as he falls down] That's enough of that, ballywho. [handcuffs Squidward]
Squidward: But, but, but, I-I-I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.
Policefish: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and takes off. cut to Bikini Bottom Jail]
Squidward:[crosses out a day on his calendar] Only 364 more days and 9 years left until I exchange this concrete tomb for a multi-story ocean liner cruise. [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs walk up to Squidward's cell]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: The boy and I just thought we'd stop by and check on our convict.
Squidward: Call me what you may, fact of the matter is I found out the mystery customer's name first. So I win. [laughs] I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win!
Mr. Krabs:[hands out Squidward the brochure] Enjoy your prize.
Squidward: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Tropical vacation, here I come! [laughs]
Mr. Krabs: Vacation? Who said anything about a vacation?
Squidward:[stops dancing] What? In the brochure, it specifically gives away an ocean liner vacation.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, you mean that brochure. Well, that was the prize. The brochure. It was taking up too much room in me drawers, you know. It's your prize.
Squidward: You mean, no vacation?
Mr. Krabs: Nope, just the brochure. Well, got to get back to counting me loot. Enjoy your new prize, Squidward.
SpongeBob: See you on the outside in ten years, buddy. [walks away]
Squidward:[laughs maniacally while tearing up the brochure] Oh, well. At least I'll have some peace and quiet for the next ten years.
Patrick:[sitting in the same cell with a game of Parcheesi on a stool] Hey, Squidward. Parcheesi? [Squidward falls as broken pieces]