Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Good Neighbors" from season 4, which aired on May 20, 2005.

  • [Everyone is sleeping until SpongeBob's foghorn alarm wakes Squidward up.]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob...
  • SpongeBob: [appearing in Squidward's house] Good morning, Squidward!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in my house?!
  • SpongeBob: I came to make sure you don't oversleep and miss work.
  • Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh gee, SpongeBob, that's very thoughtful of you.
  • SpongeBob: My pleasure, Squidward. That's what good neighbors are for.
  • Squidward: You did overlook one teensy little detail, however.
  • SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward?
  • Squidward: It's Sunday! [angrily kicks SpongeBob out of his house] A good neighbor doesn't bother me on Sunday! [slams the door]
  • SpongeBob: Sunday? No wonder Squidward's grumpy. [sees a stack of newspapers up the lawn] He forgot his Sunday papers. [walks up to them] This'll show Squidward I'm a good neighbor. I'll bring it to him. [breaks the string that holds the paper together] Man, this is heavy. [The paper falls to the ground and SpongeBob puts it together as a paper ball] [bumps into Patrick] Oh, pardon me.
  • Patrick: Hey, watch where you're going. [screams] A newspaper monster!
  • SpongeBob: [throws paper in the air, screaming] Monster! [both scream and run around]
  • Squidward: [opens his window; not knowing they have his Sunday papers] Will you two nincompoops kindly quiet down?! [goes back inside] I am not going to let them ruin the rest of my Sunday. [Bubble transition to him in the living room; hums] My Sunday relaxation kit. [reaches into box] Let's see… pillow. [puts pillow on the end of the couch] Placed just so for slight foot elevation. Flower--to brighten the room. Flower fragrance. [sprays fragrance on flower, but the flower dies.] [Squidward sniffs and sighs] And the final touch. [dials on phone] Yes, I'd like to order the Sunday special. Yes, the pedicure and foot massage house call, that is correct. See you at 4, my good man. [hangs up phone] Ahh, this is gonna be a heavenly day. Ooh, I almost forgot. [grabs a box] Bon-bons. Hello there, heaven's little wonder. Take me on a chocolate vacation. [SpongeBob and Patrick raise up from behind the couch making noises with spinning fezzes. Squidward spits out his bon-bon and growls.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing a deep note] By the all-seeing eye. Ye are worthy, we are not.
  • Squidward: What are you two idiots doing?!
  • Patrick: Secret ritual.
  • SpongeBob: To inaugurate you as president.
  • Squidward: Me? President of Bikini Bottom? I knew the people would come to their senses.
  • Patrick: No, silly. Not the president of Bikini Bottom. Even better.
  • Squidward: Better?
  • SpongeBob: You're the president of 'The Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge'.
  • Squidward: The what? Is this some stupid club you two made up? [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp and then laugh]
  • Patrick: Maybe. [both laugh]
  • SpongeBob: It's a secret. [both laugh]
  • Squidward: Fine! As my first presidential decree, uhh, why don't you, uhh, go out and paint all the leaves on the trees to make the neighborhood look nicer? [pushing SpongeBob and Patrick out the door] Now out, out, out, out, out, out, out. That'll keep them busy for a few Sundays. [closes the door, screams when SpongeBob and Patrick appear from inside]
  • SpongeBob: What color should we paint the leaves, your presidentialocity?
  • Squidward: Ahh! Polka dots! Now don't bother me anymore.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Wow. Polka dots.
  • Patrick: Our new president is a genius.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah. [both laugh]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: See ya later, Squidward.
  • SpongeBob: [now outside, a red paint can drops on the ground] Whenever you're ready, Patrick.
  • Patrick: [Patrick unscrews SpongeBob's hat which turns out to be a screw] Hold still, buddy. [pours the red paint inside SpongeBob's hole. When he is done, he throws the can away and ends up hitting an elderly citizen Lonnie riding a bike. Patrick screws the hat back in.]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, Pat, gimme a quick shake.
  • Patrick: Okie dokie. [Patrick shakes SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Okay! I'm ready! [Patrick grabs SpongeBob's arm and uses it like a slot machine. Drops of red paint come shooting out of SpongeBob's holes and onto the trees.] Hey, that worked perfectly. C'mon, good neighbor Patrick, let's paint the town polka dot.
  • Squidward: [clock on wall is ringing noon] Oh, no. It's already noon. I will be darned if I let those morons eat up anymore of my valuable Sunday.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing outside of Squidward's window] Good neighbors are we. La-la-la-la-laa-la.
  • Squidward: What's going on out there?!
  • SpongeBob: Hi, President Squidward! Almost done painting-- [Patrick pulls on SpongeBob's arm which makes the paint shoot out his holes and all over Squidward's face and in his eyes]
  • Squidward: [screams] My eyes! [continues screaming as he runs around bumping into stuff. Runs outside and in front of a car.]
  • Gale Rechid: Look out! [car slams on brakes and stops in front of Squidward]
  • Frank (red shirt): Oh, you poor man.
  • Gale Rechid: You must be very sick. Let us take you to the hospital.
  • Squidward: No really, I'm fine. Please, I…no, I’m f-fine. [mumbles] [Frank and Gale put Squidward in the back seat and drive off]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: See ya later, neighbor!
  • Patrick: It is a lovely day for a ride in the country.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, our president sure knows how to live. [later] I would like to call this meeting of the good neighbor lodge to order. Let's begin with role call: Patrick. [Patrick is snoring] Okay... Squidward? [Squidward's chair is empty] Squidward? Squidward, you home?
  • Patrick: Did you find him, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Nope. I guess he's still on his Sunday drive.
  • Patrick: Or maybe he's on a secret mission.
  • SpongeBob: I hope he's not in danger.
  • Patrick: Danger?!
  • SpongeBob: As members of the good neighbor lodge, we are sworn to protect our president from danger.
  • Harold (red fish): Excuse me? Somebody ordered a relaxing pedicure and foot massage? The Sunday special?
  • SpongeBob: Brother Star, we better check this guy out. Make sure he's safe for Squidward.
  • Squidward: At least I still have my Sunday pedicure to look forward to. [SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing inside Squidward's house. Squidward opens his front door] What are you two doing in my house?
  • SpongeBob: We're checking to make sure this guy really is a certified foot masseur and not some kind of assassin.
  • Patrick: Well I say he checks out a-ok.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, have you ever seen more lovely French tips? [shows foot with long toenails]
  • Squidward: French tips, huh? [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick's chair out of the way] Alright, pal, make with the relaxing foot massage, pronto!
  • Harold (red fish): Uh-oh. Uh, sorry. Your hour's up. [packs up and leaves]
  • Squidward: [he twitches his eye. As SpongeBob happily wiggles his toes, he furiously makes way toward the front door, opens it and points his finger outside] Alright, you two! Out! [SpongeBob and Patrick, realizing that they are in trouble, slowly walk out] And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day! Or tomorrow! Or next week!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, does that include--
  • Squidward: [infuriated] Yes, it does! [slams the door in fury]
  • SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick. Do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
  • Squidward: [furiously smashes his head through the door, yelling] Yes, I was! You call yourselves good neighbors?! You're the worst neighbors ever! [deep breath] You don't deserve to wear those fezzes! [furiously takes SpongeBob and Patrick's fezzes, grits his teeth and furiously stomps them into the ground]
  • SpongeBob: [realizing in sadness] Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right.
  • Patrick: Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
  • Squidward: [pops back out through the hole of his front door once again, screaming with extreme rage] No, you aren't! You're horrible neighbors! [furiously hyperventilates] And stop calling me "president"! [pops back in]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, let's go. [SpongeBob and Patrick sadly walk away]
  • Squidward: There are only 3 hours of my Sunday left. They took it all away. I didn't even get to read the Sunday paper. [notices pile of paper on the ground with a note on it]
  • SpongeBob: ['Here's Your Sunday Paper Squidward. Enjoy. Love, SpongeBob.']
  • [Enraged, Squidward steams up furiously, kicks the paper into the air, then growls like a dog. Then he takes a paper off his head.]
  • Squidward: Good neighbors, my right. [reads paper] Hello? "Keep Out Intruders For Good! New Security System 5000. Free Installation" [Squidward does an evil laugh. Later, he has the security system built in and turned on.]
  • Security System: System activated. [screen displays "On"]
  • Squidward: Well, that oughta do it. Let's see those imbeciles try to get in here now.
  • SpongeBob: [he with Patrick, with their fezzes back on, walk up to Squidward in sadness] President Squidward?
  • Squidward: [screams] What the…?!
  • SpongeBob: We hereby present you with this delicious cake.
  • Squidward: [reads writing on cake] "Sorry for bugging you so much"? What the…? Security system, help! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! What's the matter with you?!
  • Security System: No threat detected.
  • Squidward: [furious, banging on security system] Oh! You infernal contraption! I'm gonna ship you off to the scrapheap you came from!
  • Security System: Threat detected. [Squidward screaming while the system shoots a laser at him which surprises SpongeBob & Patrick, causing SpongeBob to toss his cake as it flies into the air and lands on the system, causing it to go haywire.]
  • Squidward: Now, what's going on?
  • Security System: Threat detected. Code red! Code red!
  • SpongeBob: [laughing as fireworks are shooting out all over Squidward's house] It's like a carnival ride!
  • Squidward: [running around] Run for your lives! [Squidward's house suddenly grows legs and arms and stands up, then grabs Squidward from inside.] [Squidward grunts] What the…?! What are you doing?! [Squidward's house kicks him into the air and walks off, Squidward trembles in fear and he holds himself together] Huh? I only have half an hour of me-time left, and the idiots took my house. Which means those boobs aren't around to bug me. [gasps] Ooh, just what I've been waiting for. [laughs hysterically] I am gonna relax… if it kills me. [takes a deep breath] Ahhh!
  • [Meanwhile, Squidward's house is on a rampage while people are screaming]
  • Army: Fire! [The tank fires a missile at the house, but the house catches the missile and flicks it away. Then the house grabs the tank, squishes it, and throws it away.]
  • Patrick: Wow, Squidward's house is destroying the neighborhood.
  • SpongeBob: We gotta turn this thing off. [turns on a light switch] Nope, not it.
  • Patrick: [flushes the toilet] Nope.
  • SpongeBob: [turns on the fan] Nope.
  • Patrick: [pushes the toaster button down] That's not it, either.
  • Squidward: [still resting] This Sunday relaxation really hits the spot. [house stands right above Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm, where to look. [notices an "off button" on the wall] Hmm, this off button seems suspicious. [pushes button and house sits on top of Squidward and goes back to normal] We did it, Patrick! [Squidward busts through from beneath the floor] President Squidward?
  • Squidward: [calmly] No, no, don't say anything more. This was all my fault. I was the one who wanted to relax on Sunday. Now, if you'll be so kind as to leave so I can get ready for work tomorrow. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk out the door]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. President?
  • Squidward: Shush.
  • SpongeBob: [trying to apologize again] But we just wanted to --
  • Squidward: [yells in their faces furiously] Get out of my house! [they get blown away; suddenly notices an angry mob surrounding his house] Huh?
  • [As soon as SpongeBob and Patrick flee from Squidward, a whole angry mob and two police boats appear outside Squidward's house.]
  • Scooter: There he is!
  • [One fish walks up to Squidward. The angry mob yells and boos.]
  • Angry resident fish: Are you the owner of this house?
  • Squidward: [angrily] Yes! Yes, I am!
  • Angry resident fish: Then on behalf the citizens of Bikini Bottom, I present you with this summons to pay for the destruction of our town. [hands Squidward the summons] You'll be doing community service every Sunday for the rest of your life. [walks off]
  • Squidward: Huh? [twitches his left eye and looks at the camera]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, you got one of those, too? [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up with a summons in their hands] This'll be great! The three of us cleaning up Bikini Bottom! Well, see ya next Sunday, President Squidward!
  • [Squidward twitches with rage and fury, ending the episode.]
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