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Giant Squidward
Season №: 6
Episode №: 107a
Airdate: June 3, 2008
Previous: "Sun Bleached"
Next: "No Nose Knows"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Giant Squidward" from season six, which aired on June 3, 2008.

  • Squidward: [is asleep in bed when his alarm wakes him up. He puts on his slippers, gets out of bed, walks to the mirror, pulls up his shirt by his collar, licks his finger, and rubs his eyebrows] Squidward, my man, you are perfect! [Squidward is walking outside with a watering can to water his kelp garden, but it's wilted] Oh no, my kelp garden is all wilted! Don't worry fellas, I've got just the thing to perk you up, kelp grow. Hold still. [Squidward sprays it, and his kelp stands up. Squidward sniffs it, then notices Patrick inside]
  • Patrick: They're pretty.
  • Squidward: [screams] Patrick?
  • SpongeBob: And SpongeBob!
  • Squidward: What are you two doing here?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden.
  • [Patrick eats some of Squidward's kelp]
  • Squidward: STOP EATING MY KELP!!! [pushes Patrick away from his garden]
  • Patrick: Okay, Okay, jeez. Try to help a fella out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead.
  • Squidward: Oh, do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?
  • Patrick: [thinks] Yeah.
  • Squidward: Then have some more! [Squidward sprays the ice cream with kelp grow, and there's more. Patrick falls from the extra weight. Squidward laughs] Still want that ice cream?
  • Patrick: Boy I do! Thanks Squidward. Want some SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam! [both start licking it]
  • Squidward: Are you done yet?
  • Patrick: [after eating the ice cream cone] All done.
  • SpongeBob: Wow, I wish I had a bottle of that kelp grow stuff. [Patrick takes Squidward's bottle and gives it to SpongeBob]
  • Patrick: Here you go SpongeBob.
  • Squidward: Hey!
  • SpongeBob: Thank you Patrick. You know my shoes feel kinda tight. [SpongeBob sprays them, and they become bigger] Huh, nice and roomy. [hands the bottle to Patrick]
  • Patrick: Do you want your grow juice back?
  • Squidward: Oh no, I only paid for it. I wouldn't want to deprive you of it.
  • Patrick: Okay.
  • Squidward: Give me that!
  • Patrick: But you said you didn't want it.
  • Squidward: Fine! Why don't you two use it for your good deeds?
  • SpongeBob: That's a great idea Squidward!
  • Patrick: Yeah, I'll go first. [Patrick sprays Squidward's nose, and it becomes bigger]
  • Squidward: [screams] What did you do?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooh!
  • Patrick: Quite an improvement, don't you think?
  • SpongeBob: Oh yes, I agree completely. Come on Patrick, let's do some good deeding!
  • Patrick: Yay! [they run off]
  • Squidward: Hey, get back here, [chases after them] and fix my nose! [SpongeBob and Patrick run up to Gary]
  • SpongeBob: Hey Gary, that shell of yours looks a little cramped.
  • Gary: Meow [goes inside his shell. SpongeBob sprays his shell, and it becomes bigger]
  • SpongeBob: There, now you have plenty of space. [they run off, then Squidward runs on screen, and notices Gary's large shell]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • Squidward: Aha, they went this way.
  • Gary: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
  • Squidward: Oh, tell me about it. [walks off]
  • Gary: Meow. [pants. He tries to move, but it's really hard with a big shell. Bubbles rise up, transitioning to SpongeBob and Patrick behind a rock]
  • SpongeBob: [talking about Mr. Krabs, who is throwing a penny in the air] There he is.
  • Patrick: Get ready.
  • SpongeBob: Now, Patrick! [Patrick sucks him into his belly button, then spits him out. He then sprays Mr. Krabs's penny, and it turns bigger, and crushes Mr. Krabs] There you go Mr. Krabs. You always wanted to make "big money". [cuts to scene of live people groaning. Now talking to Patrick] Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward.
  • Patrick: You're a saint, SpongeBob! A saint!
  • SpongeBob: I know, and it is a burden I must carry. But times a wasting! We need another good deed!
  • Patrick: Oh, I got one! You know that thing?
  • SpongeBob: Um, right, that thing that we did that day.
  • Patrick: No, the other one. [both think, then Squidward walks on screen]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! [pants] Hey! Look at what you did to me. You better fix my nose, or you'll hear from my lawyer!
  • SpongeBob: Are you sure?
  • Patrick: Yeah, you'd be ugly again.
  • Squidward: Yes, I'm sure!
  • SpongeBob: Hmm, how to fix his nose?
  • Patrick: What, if you turn the bottle upside down, maybe it'll shrink it.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, that's brilliant!!
  • Squidward: No wait, don't. [they spray his nose with the bottle upside down, and it gets bigger]
  • SpongeBob: That didn't work.
  • Patrick: Try it again.
  • SpongeBob: I think I'll just even him out. First, a bigger head.
  • [SpongeBob sprays Squidward's head]
  • Patrick: Well, now his body is too small.
  • SpongeBob: Right, too small. [SpongeBob sprays it]
  • Patrick: Arms are too short. [SpongeBob sprays his arm] Legs are too short. [SpongeBob sprays Squidward's legs] Other arm. [SpongeBob sprays Squidward's other arm] Feet too small. [SpongeBob sprays Squidward's feet] Teeth! [SpongeBob sprays them] Belly button. [SpongeBob sprays it. Patrick blows a kiss] Perfect!
  • Squidward: I look horrible! [Squidward inks]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Ew! [they cough] He inked!
  • Squidward: Well, pardon my anatomy! [Squidward gets even bigger] What's happening?
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: All right! [Squidward is really big]
  • Squidward: What did you do to me?
  • Patrick: I know! I know! Um, made you a monster!
  • SpongeBob: And a giant.
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: A giant monster!
  • Squidward: I don't want to be a giant lumbering monster! [picks up SpongeBob and Patrick] What will I do now?
  • SpongeBob: That's easy, play giant lumbering monster tag!
  • Patrick: Yeah! Yeah! You chase us!
  • SpongeBob: And we run around and scream like crazy! [they run away from Squidward]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, get back here!
  • SpongeBob: [screams] This is really fun.
  • Patrick: [screams] I know. We should do this... [screams] ...more often. [they run into Bikini Bottom, screaming, when Squidward is chasing them]
  • Nancy: [screams] A monster! [grabs Monroe's arm and begins tugging it twice as if to start a segway, and runs away, riding Monroe like a segway]
  • Harold, Nat, Shubie, Sally, Nazz and Sadie: [watch SpongeBob and Patrick running away, still screaming, Squidward's feet appears. A car drives out of the way] Monster!
  • Medieval Fish: Monster! [As the humanized fish walks out, villagers with torches and weapons form a mob to run for Bikini Bottom. They run past Squidward to kill him.]
  • Male Fish: Huh? [takes out a torch from his case, then chases Squidward. Squidward finally gets SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: You are very good at pretending Squidward. Look how you're all sweaty and angry, and you got the whole town to play along. [Citizens with torches and pitchforks and rakes form a mob, surrounding Squidward.]
  • Squidward: What the?
  • Miss Shell: Kick him!
  • Canadian Fish: Let's get him and make back bacon!
  • Lifeguard: Scoop out his... eyeballs and use 'em as... giant... misshapen soccer balls!
  • [Taylor walks towards the mob.]
  • Taylor: Wait. Maybe he's a nice monster, like in my story book. [Tina and Sadie's torches extinguish.]
  • Lifeguard: Oh right, I, I haven't thought of that. Well, are you?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, goodness gracious yes. Squidward is the nicest giant of them all.
  • Patrick: Yeah! Squidward, tell them about all those times that you didn't punch me in the face.
  • SpongeBob: Even though you really wanted to.
  • Squidward: OH, QUIET YOU MORONS!!!!!!!!!
  • [all gasp]
  • Nazz: He hurt the little one's feelings.
  • Shubie: Why, that's not very nice at all.
  • Lifeguard yells: Take him down boys! [Following the lifeguard fish, the mob uses a giant rake slingshot to hit his foot.]
  • Squidward: Ow! [holds his foot and hops backwards. Harold, Scooter, Nazz, and Fred set up a giant rake behind him. Squidward steps on it and falls down after it hits him on the back of the head. The lifeguard comes up with a big tube of lipstick.]
  • Lifeguard: This oughta fix him. [puts lipstick on Squidward's lips]
  • [The mob stops yelling.]
  • Squidward: Okay, okay, I'm nice. [is shown to be tied to the ground with ropes] Now will you leave me alone?
  • Sadie: Oh yeah? Then prove it!
  • Lifeguard: Yeah! Are you nice enough to... um...
  • Nazz: Compliment me on my new hairdo?
  • Squidward: [sits up, breaking free from the ropes] Yeah, sure, whatever.
  • Nazz: [laughs] Oh, thank you.
  • Camp Councilor: Let the junior guppies camp out under your toenails? [we see fish sleeping under Squidward's toenails]
  • Skier: Take me to the top of Mount Humongous? [Squidward does it and the skier skis down Mt. Humongous] Whee...!
  • Farmer: Blow on my old windmill? [Squidward blows on a windmill]
  • Tyler: Do my homework?
  • Nat: Dust my attic?
  • Taylor: Feed my snail? [Squidward pants]
  • Shubie: Wow, this giant really is friendly after all.
  • Harold: He taught my grandmother how to read!
  • Lifeguard: He helped me start my own blimp ride company. [the blimp is really Squidward's nose]
  • Nat: He helped me build a... a... [sneezes]
  • All: [collectively] Bless you. Gesundheit. [Squidward says nothing] Ahem?
  • Squidward: What?
  • [all gasp]
  • Evelyn: He didn't say bless you.
  • Lifeguard: Get him! [Squidward screams and runs away from the angry mob.]
  • Shubie: Where'd he go?
  • Lifeguard: Is that him over there?
  • Squidward: [visibly hiding behind a building] Uhh, I'm a lamp post?
  • Lifeguard: Oh. Well, let's go check down by the creek! We'll teach him to dip his feet! [Citizens run off while Squidward tiptoes away. Cuts to Squidward's house at night, where there is a big trap around it. Squidward touches his house, and the trap springs]
  • Squidward: Well Squidward, I guess this is your new life. [cuts to Squidward on a mountain] And this is your new bed. [lays down] Good night, old life. [sobs] I'll miss you.
  • SpongeBob: Good night, Squidward.
  • Squidward: [sits up] Where are you?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick and I are having a sleepover, in your belly button. [he and Patrick are in the belly button under a blanket and using the lint as pillows]
  • Squidward: What the? Get out of there! [picks them out] You two have ruined my life! [starts sobbing. SpongeBob and Patrick exchange glances, then float away on a river of Squidward's giant tears]
  • SpongeBob: Oh Patrick, this is terrible! Squidward did not like the kindness we did him.
  • Patrick: So?
  • SpongeBob: We shall do him another. [cuts to SpongeBob's house the next day. Construction sounds can be heard behind a door with a sign saying "Keep Out."] We did it! [the roof opens up and a giant present that says "For Squidward" pops out. SpongeBob and Patrick leave the house and push the present over to where Squidward is sitting]
  • Squidward: What the?
  • SpongeBob: Since our last kindness didn't go so well, we brought you a new one. [Squidward opens it]
  • Squidward: A giant clarinet? [holds it up. SpongeBob and Patrick nod. Squidward plays it, then gasps] And it sounds divine! [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp excitedly. As Squidward plays, he shrinks back to normal size and falls to the ground] Now I'm too small to play my giant clarinet! [starts bawling. The clarinet falls and crushes him. SpongeBob and Patrick pull him out] It was the most beautiful thing I've ever played! [sighs] Well, at least I still have my kelp garden. [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh nervously] What? [cuts to where Squidward's kelp garden is cut down] You cut it down?
  • SpongeBob: We used your kelp to make a kelp-mâché clarinet. [Squidward gets angry, then begins to chase SpongeBob and Patrick. They scream, then laugh, then scream again]

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