SpongeBob: Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?
Patrick: Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.
SpongeBob:[points to cloud in sky] Wow, look at that cloud. [shows cloud, which looks like Sandy] It looks just like Sandy.
Patrick: I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! [Shows cloud] It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a.. a cloud.
SpongeBob: Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. [shows cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud, but it disappears] It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?
Patrick: Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat.
[Shows houseboat flying over Bikini Bottom]
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat.
[SpongeBob and Patrick watch houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass]
SpongeBob: What is it, Patrick?
Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.
Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out [runs to houseboat]
SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! [follows Patrick]
Patrick:[laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't] Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost?
[Patrick gets up on top of SpongeBob]
Patrick: A little to the left. [SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat) A little help? [SpongeBob lifts him up]
SpongeBob: Hurry up, lazy-bones! [SpongeBob gets up to the boat]
Patrick: Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob.
[SpongeBob looks at skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously]
Patrick: Let's check out inside.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! [Opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him] Wow, so lame!
[Thunder clap is heard]
Patrick:[Sees plate of eyeballs and picks up one] Nice attention to detail, though. [Puts eyeball back]
[SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, to which he runs away]
Patrick: Huh. So not scary!
SpongeBob:[Looks at picture of flowers] Hey, this is a nice picture! [Snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and scatters around]
Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob?
[Snakes go back into picture]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!
SpongeBob: Ok, I'll be right there!
Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would...pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! [Door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes SpongeBob to attack him] That would be scary! [SpongeBob screams from far away] But this place is too low budget for that! [Hand returns SpongeBob] It would be cool, though, wouldn't it?
SpongeBob:[shaking] Yeah, that'd be [gulps] neato. [hears scary music] Patrick, where is that music coming from?
Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy!
[Shows ghost playing the piano, while a thunder clap is heard]
Lord Poltergeist:[turns around] Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? [Thunder clap is heard. Lord Poltergeist goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick]
Patrick: We do!
Lord Poltergeist: Aye. And what man or beast might you too be?
Patrick:[opens Lord Poltergeist's mouth] Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's so rotten and slimy. [Poltergeist breathes into Patrick's face, turning it rotten] His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very thin, too. It's dirty. [sniffs] Eww. It reeks, and check out the workship on the jaw mechanism. [moves Poltergeist's jaw up and down] Remarkable-built quality! [Lets go of jaw] Obviously a puppet or a robot! Hey, we must be in one of those pizza parlors, with one of those singing animated robots!
Lord Poltergeist: Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! [gets angry]
Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!
Lord Poltergeist: What? Sing for ye?
Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? [Puts coin into his nose. Poltergeist coughs up coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly]
Lord Poltergeist: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?
Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!
Lord Poltergeist: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?
SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! [electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs]
Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.
SpongeBob:[laughs nervously] Yeah, awesome [SpongeBob's hand falls off]
Lord Poltergeist: Hit it, fingers! [Fingers appear and start the music]
Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!
Patrick:[whispers] They're good!
Ghosts: ♪Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep! Under the waves we like to creep. Creeping in coffins and spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads. Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep. We have black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha! [Lord Poltergeist shows bones for feet and taps them together] We like to haunt and frighten and scare till you jump right out of your underwear. We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains. We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!♪[Lord Poltergeist rips Gary's shell off]
Ghosts: ♪Our favorite pets, the cat-o-nine-tails!♪
[SpongeBob and Patrick clap]
Lord Poltergeist: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?
Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?
Lord Poltergeist: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! [Poofs up pizza and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick]
Patrick: That's more like it! [Pizza opens to show anchovies on the pizza]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies!? [Pizza disappears,SpongeBob and Patrick bow] You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? Cursed swabs!
SpongeBob: We do! We do!
Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life!
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, great friend you have here!
SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead person, sir?
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the population and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, but this time we just blew a head gasket.
SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!
Lord Poltergeist: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. [opens engine room and coughs] Hey, Charlie, you got the busted head gasket out yet?
Charlie: Here you go, boss! [head gasket melts] Looks like we need a new one! [Poltergeist grabs head gasket]
Lord Poltergeist: Say, maybe you two morons..Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!
SpongeBob:[gulps] Uh, uh, us?
Lord Poltergeist: Yes, you! And just as a little incident to make you return [lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick], I'll take your souls as deposit!
[Poltergeist grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poltergeist poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob]
Lord Poltergeist: Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my dastly crew, um, [goes over to check calender], let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!!!!
SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir?
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, why certainly!
SpongeBob: Patrick, after you!
[SpongeBob and Patrick leave, screaming in horror]
Lord Poltergeist: Such a polite lad!
[SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]
SpongeBob: One scoop, please.
[SpongeBob and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!
Patrick:[muffled with tongue stretched out] Houseboat full of ghosts!
[SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue]
SpongeBob: Eww, eww, eww, eww!
[Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck]
Frank: Hey, those guys are insane!
[Customers run out of the restaurant]
Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on? [gasps] Come back! [cries] SpongeBob, what in the blue barnacles, are you up to?!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!
Mr. Krabs: You had a what?
SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!
Patrick:[muffled] And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind!
[Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down]
SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!
Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? [Grabs doubloon] Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic [sniffs doubloon] Smells real enough! [Bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket]
[Mr. Krabs comes back with head gasket]
Mr. Krabs: Ok, let's go see those ghosts, fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting!
[SpongeBob and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device]
Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled critter-detector-catcher gizmo!
Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you...to the Krusty Krab?
Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins!
[Sandy scans milkshake for gremlins]
Sandy: Nope, none in there!
Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!
Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what those treasures can do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I can buy you that break room you've always wanted!
[Squidward imagines, sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done]
Squidward: Ok, I'm in!
Mr. Krabs: Super! Let's go catch us some treasure! So what do you say, SpongeBob! Are ya ready!
SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.
Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich?
[Episode skips to second part of episode, which cuts to the haunted houseboat]
SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?
Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in for years.
Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.
Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts [walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together] Nothing here but a bunch of tacky, old furniture, and boring, representational art. [Man in picture comes alive and eats woman's head] Huh?
SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!
Mr. Krabs:[gasps] Ha-ha-ha [Mr. Krabs licks the doubloons in celebration]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. [grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it] Heads up, Squidward! [Krabs throws bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head] Hey, Patrick, think fast!
Patrick: Think? [Bag of doubloons hits Patrick]
Mr. Krabs: All righty, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! [Notices a doubloon is left behind] Looks like I missed one! Uh....it seems to be stuck....uuuuuuhhhh [pulls out Lord Poltergeist and screams]
Lord Poltergeist: Who dares touch me gold?
SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think you could give us our souls back..now....maybeee.
Lord Poltergeist: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one.
[SpongeBob fills up his body with his soul]
SpongeBob: Aah. That hits the spot!
Lord Poltergeist: Think fast, pink one!
[Bottle of orange soda hits Patrick in the head]
Patrick: My soul. [Licks it off the floor]
Lord Poltergeist: Har-Har-Har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!
Patrick: Well, I thought mine seemed a little flat.
SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... [Poltergeist notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold] Me gold!!! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.
Mr. Krabs: Pfttttt! You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! [Krabs opens a door, which leads to the Void, which he is sucked into] Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har. Welcome to the Void! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Squidward makes babbling noises and is sucked into the Void]
Patrick: Get me out of here!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har-har! [Poltergeist sucks in Patrick]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! [Krabs notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby] Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon" Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Mr. Krabs' image fades away and changes to Patrick]
Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! [A doughnut shows up on Patrick's head] Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. [Patrick's head stretches] Hey! Get back here! [Patrick's head stretches more and he screams] Why is this happening to me?[Doughnut comes to life]
Doughnut: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare [Patrick screams in terror] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hmm? Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?
Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain doughnuts.
Doughnut: Well, what kind do you like?
Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!
Doughnut: Aah. Voila!
Patrick: No, chocolate! No, a bagel! No-no-no-no, pancakes! No-no-no...
Doughnut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!
Patrick: Ok, ok! Man, you're pushy! How about...a Krabby Patty? With pickles! And ketchup! Wait, wait, wait, I know! I want....a plain doughnut!
[Scene cuts to Squidward in the Void]
Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! [A large, ghost version of SpongeBob is shown with Squidward on its nose] Of course!
Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. [screams]
[Ghost SpongeBob continues to laugh as the scene cuts to Lord Poltergeist laughing evilly]
Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?
Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!
Lord Poltergeist: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Sandy turns on ghost-catcher and release Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward]
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassy. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!
Lord Poltergeist: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! [Poltergeist sucks bag into treasure chest]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! [Mr. Krabs and Poltergeist beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest, which flies into the air]
SpongeBob: I got it![Treasure chest crushes SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: Me gold!
Lord Poltergeist: You mean my gold!
SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!
Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?
Lord Poltergeist: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will!
[Cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat]
Flying Dutchman: Avast!
Lord Poltergeist and Sandy:[look out the door] Huh?
Flying Dutchman: Heave to..and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!
Lord Poltergeist: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!
SpongeBob:[holding a phone] It is my civic duty to report stolen property!
Lord Poltergeist: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!
Squidward: Welcome to my world.
Flying Dutchman: Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!
Lord Poltergeist:[nervously] Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!
Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!
Lord Poltergeist: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!
Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!
Lord Poltergeist: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since...to give ye back your treasure!
Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! [Lord Poltergeist sails away with the treasure] Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you...[Lord Poltergeist runs over the Dutchman and flies away] Ok, now I'm a little bit peeved!
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!
Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. [Engine dies down] Boiler room, we're losing power! Report! The engine's on fire, sir! [Engine explodes]
Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!
Lord Poltergeist: We're going down! Brace for impact! [Everyone screams and boat collapses to the ground]
Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!
SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!
Flying Dutchman: Observe! [Dutchman takes out his eyeball and transforms into a missile, launching himself at the Poltergeist's ship] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ]Missile destroys the ship] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Title card "Later in the Void" is shown, cutting to a scene in the Void]
Lord Poltergeist: Welcome to the Kursed Krab! How may we serve you this eternity?
Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom!
Lord Poltergeist: Aargh, it's right over there.
Patrick: Here's your milkshake, Sandy. [Gremlin pops out of the milkshake]
Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!
Doughnut: And what would you like, sir?
Ghost: I want a plain doughnut! [Eats doughnut off Patrick's head, to which he is given a bill]
Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward
Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.
Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!
Squidward: No, I mean actual bones.
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties!!! Hit it!
[Giant SpongeBob laughs and flips the Krusty Krab, before he turns into the Flying Dutchman, ending the episode]