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Fungus Among Us (transcript)

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Card Fungus Among Us
General
Season №: 5
Episode №: 83c
Airdate: September 29, 2007
Chronology
Previous: "Waiting"
Next: "Spy Buddies"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Fungus Among Us" from season five, which aired on September 29, 2007.

  • [While SpongeBob sleeps, Gary notices his food bowl is empty. So, he slithers up to the diving board, jumps off, and starts to lick SpongeBob, who giggles and wakes up]
  • SpongeBob: Gary! What are you doing!?!
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Oh my gosh! Your bowl is empty! Not to worry, Gare-gare! Food is on the way, faster than you can say [rushes to get food] organic!
  • Gary: Meow? [raspberries]
  • SpongeBob: There you go, Gary! [Gary sniffs it and rejects the food. He slithers over to a fungus growing on the floor, smiles, and eats some] Gary! Shame on you! I realize you're a bottom feeder, but have some manners! You know you're not supposed to eat goop off the ground! Now go on and enjoy your health food!
  • Gary: [Mocking] Meow, meow, meow… [SpongeBob attempts to clean it, but to no avail]
  • SpongeBob: What is this stuff, anyway? It doesn't seem to be coming off! [The doorbell rings] Ooh! Company! [itches his head as he answers the door]
  • Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob! Eww!!! [gasps]
  • SpongeBob: Is something wrong, Patrick?
  • Patrick: SpongeBob! What is that?
  • SpongeBob: What's what?
  • Patrick: This! [bends SpongeBob's head over so he can see the fungus on his head]
  • SpongeBob: Ow!!! P-P-P-Patrick, what should I do?
  • Patrick: Scratch it like there's no tomorrow!
  • SpongeBob: Good idea! [He does so]
  • Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah?
  • Patrick: I don't know about this!
  • SpongeBob: What makes you say that?
  • Patrick: This.
  • [He takes out a mirror and shows SpongeBob that the fungus has spread]
  • SpongeBob: [screams] Ay-yi-yi! It's getting bigger! [swallows] Nothing a little pimple cream can't cure! [He spreads some on] That's more like it! All better. See, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Sure do! Well, I gotta go sit in my hole. Catch ya later, pal.
  • SpongeBob: Bye, Patrick! [Patrick leaves, and SpongeBob goes and takes a shower. He lathers the soap into an anchor shape, and when he rinses, the fungus is in an anchor shape] Ahh… This feels better! [doing a crossword] Let's see. A four-letter word, ooh. Meaning of uncomfortable sensation on the dermis… Hmm… [He feels an itch] ITCH!!! [Starts scratching his head; cuts to the Krusty Krab] Don't worry, SpongeBob. Everyone gets itchy, swelling skin rash now and then. Just don't scratch it and it'll go away… Eventually. [As he says this, a piece of fungus comes down onto his nose. He flings it onto the wall, but another one grows, so he pushes his nose in] There! Outta sight, outta mind! Huh? [sees the fungus on the wall, scoops it up, and tries to throw it away, but it sticks] I won't let this minor setback hinder my fry cooking! [puts on gloves from a first aid kit] Now nothing can distract me from frying up those patties… Except maybe this unbearable itchiness! Must… Stop… SCRATCHING!!!! [Squidward comes in]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! [screams and sees SpongeBob scratching the fungus] SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, hi, Squidward!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob? Why are you all puffy?
  • SpongeBob: All what-y?
  • Squidward: Your skin, SpongeBob! What's wrong with your skin?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, that! It's nothing really, Squidward… Just a little blemish, that's all! [His nose pops out with the fungus, and Squidward screams. He jumps to the top of the cabinet]
  • Squidward: That's no blemish!
  • SpongeBob: Help… Me!!!
  • Squidward: Oh, I'll help you, alright! [takes out a phone]
  • S.W.A.T. Fish #1: S.W.A.T. Team. [Gibberish on the other end] We'll be right over! [The team breaks through the ceiling of the Krusty Krab and slide down ropes from a helicopter]
  • S.W.A.T. Fish #2: Hold it right there! Neptune's trident! This is the most severe case of Ick yet. [tries to touch SpongeBob]
  • S.W.A.T. Fish #3: Stop, you fool! [smacks other fish's hand away] Do you wanna get infected? This is a job for the hazmat physician.
  • Hazmat Physician: Get back! I said, get back! Back I say! [pushes SpongeBob into a cage, which is promptly lifted by a helicopter]
  • SpongeBob: What's going on, Squidward? Help!! [As the helicopter flies away, a piece of fungus attaches itself to Squidward. Later, at the cash register]
  • Squidward: [to Old Man Jenkins] Here's your change, sir. [As he hands him the coins, some fungus gets on the old man. He puts them in his pockets, then readjusts his glasses, which leaves fungus all over his nose]
  • Old Man Jenkins: Oh, why thank you very much, young man.
  • Squidward: What was that? Oh, don't fool yourself, Squidward! That can't be the Ick. [scratches himself
  • [Meanwhile, SpongeBob, being completely covered in fungus, is encased in a bubble with tubes coming from it]
  • SpongeBob: Where am I? Whoa! [Doctors are talking to each other] Who are you people? I wanna go home! [A scientist walks up towards SpongeBob]
  • Scientist: You are home, SpongeBob. You just have to stay in this bubble until the Ick clears up.
  • SpongeBob: Where's my snail, Gary?
  • Scientist: We're taking care of your pet. [Gary is encased in a bubble similar to SpongeBob's]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Gary? Whoa! [notices someone scanning him]
  • Hazmat Physician: He appears stable, sir.
  • Scientist: Alright, boys, let's pack it up.
  • [The scientists leave, scene cuts to outside SpongeBob's pineapple house, covered in a plastic bag, with police tape and barbed wire around it, with a board written "Quarantine" on it. SpongeBob is filter-feeding, when Patrick walks in]
  • Patrick: Wow! [bumps into the bubble] Huh? What is this? [pokes]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! Stop! Stop! You're gonna pop it!
  • Patrick: Really? How about if I squeeze it like this? [squeezes it, SpongeBob gasps] Or this? [bites it, SpongeBob gasps again] Or this? [digs cleats into it]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick!!! How many times do I have to tell you? Be careful!!!
  • Patrick: Sorry. Hey, wanna play a game of pirate wrestling?
  • SpongeBob: Sure! Let's begin! [They take out hooks and tear up the bubble] Um... Patrick?
  • Patrick: I win! I win! I win!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick?
  • Patrick: [starts dancing around and doing the "Worm"] Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick!
  • SpongeBob: PATRICK!!! What am I gonna do? My bubble is destroyed.
  • Patrick: I've got an idea! [He pulls out bubble soap and begins to blow a bubble around SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: There is no time for games, Pat! Now think, SpongeBob! The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands! [notices the bubble] Patrick, you're a genius! And this one's mobile! [wheels it around a little] Now I can go back to work! [puts on hat. scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Squidward is scratching]
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Help! [pulls Squidward through the window into the kitchen] Help me flip these patties! We've got growling stomachs out there!
  • Squidward: [shakes his head, and gets Ick all over the food] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
  • Mr. Krabs: Then would it be too much trouble to ask his high and mightiness to take these patties out to the customers? Oh… If only SpongeBob were here…
  • Squidward: If SpongeBob were here, we'd be covered in the Ick! [scratches, oblivious to the fact that he has Ick all over him, too] Lunch is served! [gives Ick Patties to a couple] Eat up, kids. [The kids bite into their Ick kid's meal, and as everyone bites into their food, Squidward scratches all over]
  • Nathiel Waters: [drinks from an Ick milkshake, he has an ick mustache and beard afterwards] Ahh.
  • Squidward: [now completely green] Oh, why am I so itchy? [gets some on the wall and sees that he has the fungus] Oh no. [screams and all the customers look at him] SpongeBob gave me the Ick! And I gave it to all you people!!! [An angry mob forms around Squidward] Stay back, you diseased freaks!
  • Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs, covered in the ick, opens the door on Squidward] What's all the commotion about?
  • Unknown Fish: [With accent] The commotion, my dear crabs, is regarding the hygiene standards of your eating establishment, which would appear to be inadequate.
  • Mr. Krabs: Inadequate!?! I'll have you know, the staff of the Krusty Krab take a solemn pledge, to show up every day in a week clean and disease-free. [door opens and Mr. Krabs is awestruck]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry I'm late, Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob SquarePants, returning for duty, sir.
  • [Everybody turns to SpongeBob in his bubble, who has swollen up to an enormous green square. He puts on his hat, and squirts green juice inside his bubble. The fish gasp]
  • Unknown Fish: Is that what you consider clean and disease-free, Krabby? I say we ramshack this greasy disease shack! Who's with me?
  • All: We are!
  • Mr. Krabs: It wasn't me! It was Squidward! He gave you all the Ick!
  • Squidward: No! No I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!!! [everybody growls and screams]
  • Unknown Fish: Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!!! [All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
  • Gary: Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
  • SpongeBob: [crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick!!! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] NOOOOO!!!!! [All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Ick all over the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs starts laughing]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
  • Squidward: It's not me, Mr. Krabs!
  • SpongeBob: Gary the Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission? [We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured! And he'll clean the Ick off any surface! Even Squid! [Gary sucks the fungus off Squidward, next]
  • Nat Peterson: Whoa! Me next!
  • Martha Smith: Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
  • Patrick: I believe the expression is starfish first.
  • Unknown Fish: I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [Later…] Step up to be de-Icked! Only 5 dollars! [The first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now can I get you a Krabby Patty? [The guy whacks him with his glove]
  • Unknown Fish: In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take two, please.
  • Mr. Krabs: Alright! [SpongeBob is next. He hands Krabs the money]
  • SpongeBob: Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: Another 5 dollars for another de-Icking. [Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
  • Mr. Krabs: Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work! [Gary burps loudly, then smiles]

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