This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Evil Spatula" from season nine, which aired on March 9, 2013.
(The scene starts at the Krusty Krab in Mr. Krabs' office. SpongeBob is stirring a barrel tub. Mr. Krabs comes with a bag of coral dust and a bucket of algae paste.)
Mr. Krabs: Just a couple more additives, SpongeBob. (Mr. Krabs dumps the ingredients in the barrel. The smell and aroma causes SpongeBob's face to disenegrate and his nose disappeared. Mr. Krabs is seen wearing a nurse's mask.) Oh and try not to breathe the fumes.
SpongeBob: Is it Toxic Patty Tuesday?
Mr. Krabs: Barnacles, no. (shows a lot of dirty money bills) The customers keep passing off their dirty money. So we're cooking up the only solution powerful enough to clean it.
SpongeBob: Well then, let's get cleaning.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on, kiddo. We still have one more ingredient. (Takes out a bottle of Disulfide, SpongeBob takes the bottle and takes the lid off.)
SpongeBob: How much do we need?
Mr. Krabs: Careful, SpongeBob! Just two drops and that stuff could...
SpongeBob: Got it. Two drops... (Squeezes out some drops in the barrel. A loud explosion occurs and SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are smeared in black and their faces are blown up.)
Mr. Krabs: ...blow our faces off.
(A ringing is heard. SpongeBob looks at the fax machine.)
SpongeBob: Fax coming through, boss.
Mr. Krabs: We can get it later.
(Fax prints out Plankton)
Plankton: (laughs maniacally) Infiltration achieved. Phase one, complete. (Jumps down and goes to kitchen) Now for phase two. (Saws a slit in SpongeBob's spatula and blows away the dust) Sabotage!
SpongeBob: (Whistling. Plankton puts the spatula back and hides) Well, my dependable spatula, shall we? (Puts patties on the grill. Tries to flip patty and the spatula breaks. SpongeBob screams)
Plankton: Wow, phase two is great! My favorite phase so far. (laughs and runs out of the kitchen)
SpongeBob: (Wipes ingredients off counter and lays down the spatula. Panting. Puts his ear up to the spatula) No pulse. (Does CPR using 2 fingers) We're losing him! Hang in there, buddy!
Mr. Krabs: (Looking into the kitchen from his office door) What's all the ruckus?
SpongeBob: (Using a defibrillator) Clear! Clear!
Mr. Krabs: Pull yourself together, boy. So your spatula snapped. Go get yourself a new one!
SpongeBob: (Looking at broken handle that Mr. Krabs is holding. Dramatic music plays) I'll never forget you.
Mr. Krabs: (Slaps SpongeBob away) Quit that, boy. It's creepy. Spatulers can't talk.(Walking back to his office) And if I catch yous talking to your next one, I'll lock you up in a padded kitchen. (At Harvey's Spatula Emporium)
Plankton: (laughs) Just like clockwork. The twerp approaches. (SpongeBob whistling)Time for phase three. (Boosts up with jet pack and leaves the store. Flies into one of SpongeBob's pores and flies back out another, landing face down on the ground. Groans and mumbles)
SpongeBob: Oh hi, Plankton! (Picks Plankton up) What brings you the Harvey's Spatula Emporium?
Plankton: Oh, just picking up one of these. (Holds up red circular object) Not that you'd know what it is.
SpongeBob: Well, judging from its diameter and vermillion color, I am looking at the handle cap for a vintage Grill Force 700 Spatula.
Plankton: Wow! A fellow spatula enthusiast, I see. You're right, SpongeBob. But with a few modifications, it'll serve as the end-cap for my SizzleMaster.
SpongeBob: Well, I've never even heard of that model.
Plankton: Well, there is only one. And some say it has magical grilling powers.
SpongeBob: Wow! I must know more.
Plankton: Well, you could come over and check it out.
SpongeBob: That sounds thrilling! But I do need to hurry back to work.
Plankton: (Knocking on SpongeBob) SpongeBob, it's a magical spatula with a legend. This is a one-in-a-lifetime experience. (Jumps onto SpongeBob's hat) Onward to the Chum Bucket! (laughs) Hey it's this way, kid. (SpongeBob's legs rotate and he walks the other direction) (At the Chum Bucket. Plankton and SpongeBob are standing at the doorway of the spatula room)
Plankton: Feast your absorbent eyes on this! (claps twice) (Spatulas are lining the walls)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Wow. This is the greatest spatula collection on the whole sea floor.
Plankton: These are nothing compared to...(claps 3 times. Spotlight turns on and spatula rises in a container)...the majestic SizzleMaster! (SpongeBob sings in a heavenly choir voice and draws the outline of the spatula with his hand)
Plankton: Yes, SpongeBob. I believe the SizzleMaster has found its fry cook in you!(Kicks glass cover off of the spatula. Glass shatters) The legend of the SizzleMaster has been fulfilled. (Gives the spatula to SpongeBob) And since your are its fry cook, it will reduce your workload tenfold!
SpongeBob: Hey, that rhymes. Almost. (Walks out of the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: Yes, a legend has been fulfilled today. Go forth, SpongeBob. Wouldn't want you to miss the lunch rush. (Now talking more sinisterly) Or as I like to call it, "Phase 4."
Karen: Phase 4? (Rolls up next to Plankton) How many phases are there in this convoluted plan?
Plankton: Enough, my sarcastic wife. Enough to gain SpongeBob's trust, then steal the Krabby Patty formula right from under his dumb yellow nose! (Now standing at a control panel. Laughs) Now to tune in SpongeBoob.
SpongeBob: (holding new spatula) I'm back, Mr. Krabs. Did I miss anything?
Mr. Krabs: You're gonna be missing a job if you don't get in that kitchen. The lunch rush is nigh! (Plankton laughs while he is listening in from the Chum Bucket)
SpongeBob: These orders have really piled up. (Holding pile of orders with large piles behind him)
Squidward: And don't forget these. (Dumps a bunch more orders over SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (Swipes away the orders in the air) Well, nothing me and the SizzleMaster can't handle.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) That's right, SpongeBob! Let's show this lunch rush what for!
SpongeBob: Hmm. I must be hearing things, 'cause Mr. Krabs says spatulas can't talk.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Well I can! The mystical SizzleMaster can do all!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs said he'd put me in a padded kitchen if he caught me talking to you.
SpongeBob: (startled) I wasn't talking to my spatula!
Squidward: I don't care if you were. The customers are about the snap! (Customer looking very mad and crooks his head)
SpongeBob: Time to focus. (flips patty)
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) You know, SpongeBob, there's a much faster way to do this.
SpongeBob: Oh? (The spatula goes under one patty and expands out to under 4 patties, then flips) Wow, pretty good. But we're a long, long way from filling all these orders.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Hey Sponge, I know a way to double our productivity. I'll handle things here at the grill, alone, while you man the condiments, huh?
SpongeBob: Hey! That's a great idea! But you man the condiments, I'll take the grill. Sorry, but I don't trust anyone with this baby, but me.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Drat!
Nat: Hey, Squid guy! Where's my lunch? (Grabs onto the register)
Squidward: Stay back, you ravenous brutes. Oh!
SpongeBob: (Puts plate of Krabby Patties on Squidward's head making his hat fall off) Orders, ahoy! (Squidward places patties on customers plates)
SpongeBob: Wow, SizzleMaster, you truly are magical. We're catching up. But we got an empty grill here.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Leave it to me, kid. (SizzleMaster opens the freezer, gets patties, and tosses them on the grill)
Mr. Krabs: All right, good night, boyo. Headin' home. Thanks for all the extra greenbacks you earned me today. (Holding sack of money)
SpongeBob: Don't thank me, Mr. Krabs. (Cleaning spatula) Thank my new magic talking spatula.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, that's great SpongeBob. (walking away then stops) Wait a minute. What did I tell ya about talking to spatulers. Only do it if it makes me money. (chuckles)
SpongeBob: Well, you can really do wonders, SizzleMaster. Today was great. (Hangs SizzleMaster on spatula rack)
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) It sure was, SpongeBob. And maybe tomorrow I can even handle the grill for you, huh?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Unlikely. But a spatula can dream. See you tomorrow.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Dang it! I need SpongeBob to trust me behind that grill for this plan to work. Hmm. Oh! Hey SpongeBob!
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) How about you take me back to your place tonight? I mean, I could help you around the house.
SpongeBob: Well, I'm not going to be grilling tonight, but thank you.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Oh, I am so much more than a patty flipper. (Jumps into SpongeBob's hand) I'm a multipurpose tool.
SpongeBob: Oh. Hey, do you clean snail litter boxes?
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Sure!
Plankton: It's not like it's actually me touching it, so...
SpongeBob: Here she is. Home sweet pineapple.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Infiltration complete. Time to execute phase five! (evil laugh)
SpongeBob: (laughs) You're such a joyful being, SizzleMaster. Here's that litter box you said you'd clean. (Tosses spatula into the litter box)
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) (Sniffs. Gah!) Karen! I thought I told you not to put smell sensors on the spatula! (The next morning. SpongeBob's foghorn alarm goes off. SizzleMaster flips SpongeBob out of bed)
SpongeBob: Whoop! (SpongeBob lands upside down. SizzleMaster flips his clothes and they fly off the hanger and onto SpongeBob. SizzleMaster brushes SpongeBob's teeth, then feeds Gary, and gives SpongeBob cereal. SpongeBob takes a bite)
SpongeBob: Mmm, mmm. (SpongeBob bounces to work on SizzleMaster)
SpongeBob: Wow! I'm three hours early to work. Thanks to you, SizzleMaster.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) That's no problem, buddy. (pulls up a chair) Hey, why don't you take a seat while I get to work for you?
SpongeBob: Well, don't mind if I do. (Sits)
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Would you like me to man the grill for you today?
SpongeBob: Uh, eh...
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) (Pulls up barrel as footstool) You deserve a break. And I've been able to handle everything else for you, so...
SpongeBob: That is true. Well, I guess I can trust you with my grill while I take a brief respite.
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) (Jumps away. Laughs maniacally) Yes! Phase five is finally complete! Time to kick phase six into overdrive! (Throws pile of patties onto grill. Turns the heat up) Yes, burn patties, burn! (Patties catch fire and turn to ashes. Evil laugh. Sweeps away ashes and some get into SpongeBob's mouth)
SpongeBob: (Snoring. Then gags and coughs. Takes ash off tongue and inspects it) Charred Krabby Patty bits? SizzleMaster, what happened?
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Oh, SpongeBob, I'm sorry. I just wasn't used to this grill. All of the Krabby Patties are gone.
SpongeBob: Oh, no!
Plankton: (As SizzleMaster) Hey, I got an idea! (SizzleMaster jumps into SpongeBob's hand) I can mix up some new patties in a jiff. If we just go get the Krabby patty secret formula.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah. Okay. It's just over here in the safe.
Plankton: Yes! Yeees. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: (Washing money. SpongeBob is opening the safe in Mr. Krabs' office) Hey, whatcha doin', boy?
SpongeBob: Oh, my new magical talking spatula that I got from Plankton says it needs your Krabby Patty secret formula.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, no! Uh, I mean, it was your talkin' spatuler, you say? That you got from Plankton? Well, why didn't you say so? (Pulls piece of paper out of his shirt) Here. Give your talkin' spatuler this recipe. (Mr. Krabs winks twice)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I think your blinker's broken.
Mr. Krabs: Just read it.
SpongeBob: Aye, aye! Okay SizzleMaster, the first ingredient is... five gallons combustible cooking oil.
Plankton: Yes! Karen, begin production! (cooking comes out of machine into tub) One sack coral dust, extra spicy. One bucket fire algae paste. And the final ingredient, disulfide.
Plankton: Yyyees! (laughs) Wait how much disulphide?
SpongeBob: (Mr. Krabs writes down on paper) The whole enchilada.
Plankton: (Pouring bottle) I had no idea this stuff was approved for restaurant use.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's not... Plankton.
Plankton: Krabs? (Plankton sees "Danger! Explosive" on the bottle) Oh, no. (Chum Bucket explodes. Karen and Plankton land in front of the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Quite a volatile concoction, eh, Planky?
SpongeBob: Must be Explosive Patty Wednesday, eh, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) You got that right, boyo. (keeps laughing)