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Enemy In-Law
Season №: 4
Episode №: 67a
Airdate: October 14, 2005
Previous: "Dunces and Dragons"
Next: "Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Enemy In-Law" from season four, which aired on October 14, 2005.

  • [In the city part of Bikini Bottom, everyone screams and points at a Plankton robot as it grabs a handful of people in each hand and drops them inside the Chum Bucket]
  • Plankton: [everyone running around inside] Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket. [everyone stops in their tracks]
  • Nat: What?! You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?
  • Plankton: C'mon, it's a standard marketing technique. [people leave]
  • Nat: You little twerp.
  • Plankton: Hey!
  • Karen: He's right, ya know.
  • Plankton: Karen?! You think I'm a twerp?
  • Karen: Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.
  • Plankton: Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
  • Karen: Maybe it's because you are always wrong.
  • Plankton: Fine, I'm wrong and you're right.
  • Karen: You said it, not me.
  • Plankton: [walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software?
  • Karen: Nagging software? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen!
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, money. You're always there for me. [kissing noisily]
  • Mama Krabs: Hello, Eugene.
  • Mr. Krabs: Mother! Uh, what brings ya by today?
  • Mama Krabs: I just wanted to see my favorite son.
  • Mr. Krabs: How much of my money do you want?
  • Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the prettiest hat in town today.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, look at the time! So sorry to have to rush off. Bye! [pushes Mama Krabs out his office and closes his door] Whew, that was a close one.
  • Plankton: Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman - not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [Plankton hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel; and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart.
  • Karen: Plankton! You've fallen in love with another woman?! I'm your wife!
  • Plankton: You're a W.I.F.E..[pulls out chart] Wired Integratred Female Electroencephlagraph.
  • Karen: Oh, you always pull that one out! "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"
  • Plankton: [sighing] Why don't you have an 'off' switch? [sees an off switch and smiles]
  • Karen: Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off]
  • Plankton: And now to woo that beloved creature. [cut to Mama Krabs taking a nap while Robot Plankton is looking through her window. Then the robot grabs her]
  • Robot Plankton: Roses are red. Violets are blue. World domination has nothing on you. [she screams]
  • Plankton: Hmmm, I guess she's not a poetry fan. [everyone is running around screaming while the robot is using its eye laser to spell out "I [heart] You" on the ground, but while destroying some of the town when doing this. Mama Krabs reads it and screams a few times. The Trouble Song] Poetry, love notes--nothing's working. Perhaps something personal. [Mama Krabs is shrieking. The robot walks over to a rock and karate chops a memorial-like statue of Mama Krabs' head and puts her down]
  • Mama Krabs: [stops screaming]Am I really that pretty?
  • Plankton: Oh, yeah...I am smooth. [cut to later in his restaurant by a phone] Just dial the number and ask her to dinner. C'mon, you can do this. [dial tones beeping; Plankton grunting]
  • Mama Krabs: Hello? [Plankton panting in the phone] I'm hanging up.
  • Plankton: Wait! This is your secret admirer.
  • Mama Krabs: Oh, you're that giant robot?
  • Plankton: [laughing] No. I program the robot. Did you enjoy the gift I sent you?
  • Mama Krabs: How did you know I wanted a hat? Have you been spying on me? [6 TV screens are set-up to in different parts of Mama Krabs house]
  • Plankton: It was...just a lucky guess. I've admired you from afar for far too long, my angel. We must meet face-to-face.
  • Mama Krabs: Well, how about the Krusty Krab? Tonight at 8:00?
  • Plankton: Sounds wonderful. I'll be the tall fellow wearing a red carnation. Until tonight, my dear. [cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ah! Quick, SpongeBob, swallow me wallet!
  • SpongeBob: OK. [Mr. Krabs shoves his wallet in SpongeBob's mouth and SpongeBob swallows it]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, sorry, Mommy. I can't lend you any money. SpongeBob accidentally swallowed me wallet. [sniffs his mother's hat] Mommy, you got yourself a hat without my financial assistance.
  • Mama Krabs: Isn't it nice, Eugene? It's just the one I wanted.
  • Mr. Krabs: But, Mommy, you shouldn't be spending my inheritance...I mean, since you told me you wanted a hat, I went out and I dug one up. [takes out a hat with holes in it]
  • Mama Krabs: Where did you get this old thing? [at a funeral where two fish are paying their respects to the person in the coffin]
  • Nat: She looks so peaceful.
  • Fred: Yeah. But wasn't she wearing a hat? [Mr. Krabs is seen running out with the hat behind him]
  • Mama Krabs: You can take this one back to the trash heap.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy. [tosses hat and shovel to Squidward] Squidward, I need you to make a return for me.
  • Mama Krabs: Thank ye for your concern for my finances, but me new boyfriend bought me this hat.
  • Mr. Krabs: Boyfriend? Someone to spend money...I mean time with you? That's wonderful! Who is he? What's his name?
  • Mama Krabs: I don't know. I'm meeting him here, tonight.
  • Mr. Krabs: Wonderful! I'll stay open late so ye can have a nice, romantic dinner. Run along, make yourself pretty. SpongeBob, you're working late tonight. No overtime! [SpongeBob lunges himself into the door. Cut to Plankton wearing a rose, walking into the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is in a waiter uniform]
  • Plankton: [clears throat] I've reservations for two, tonight.
  • SpongeBob: Right this way, sir. [SpongeBob pulls back the chair for Plankton as he jumps up on it]
  • Plankton: [shouts] Excuse me, I can't reach my silverware!
  • SpongeBob: Terribly sorry, sir. [reaches into his pocket and takes out a miniature table and chair. Places it on top of the big table then grabs Plankton and places him in the chair] Will there be anything else?
  • Plankton: Is my tie on straight?
  • SpongeBob: You look fabulous! [Mama Krabs walks in] Your gentlemen caller awaits. [Mama Krabs walks up to the table]
  • Plankton: [pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight. [Mama Krabs notices tiny Plankton]
  • Mama Krabs: Oh, my, you're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. Tell me about yourself. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her]
  • Plankton: Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.
  • Mama Krabs: Never heard of it.
  • Plankton: [Points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street.
  • Mama Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell. [Plankton shows her the back of a phone book with a picture of him and the Chum Bucket]
  • Plankton: It's on the back of the phone book! Come on! I paid a lotta money for that ad! [Puts the book away] Never mind, Never mind. I'd like to hear about you.
  • Mama Krabs: Well...
  • Mr. Krabs: Plankton!
  • Plankton: Krabs!
  • Mama Krabs: Eugene!
  • Mr. Krabs: Mommy?
  • Plankton: "Mommy?"
  • SpongeBob: [jumps in the air] SpongeBob!
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob...
  • Plankton: This delectable creature is your mother?
  • Mr. Krabs: This no-good conniving chiseler is your date?
  • SpongeBob: And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter.
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! I don't know what sort of skullduggory you're up to, Plankton, and I'm not waiting to find out. [picks up Plankton by his antenna]
  • Mama Krabs: Eugene, you put me boyfriend down, this instant!
  • Plankton: Boyfriend?
  • Mr. Krabs: But, mommy...
  • Plankton: You heard the lady. Let me go. [Mr. Krabs drops him into Mama Krabs' hand]
  • Plankton: That's more like it.
  • Mama Krabs: Come, Plankton. I'm sorry me son had to spoil our romantic evening.
  • Mr. Krabs: Mommy? [cut to Plankton cleaning a picture of Mama Krabs then in walks Mr. Krabs] You!
  • Plankton: Eugene.
  • Mr. Krabs: I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother. I know what you're really up to.
  • Plankton: I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman.
  • Mr. Krabs: All you love is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formula out of me mother.
  • Plankton: What are you talking about?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm talking about the Krabby Patty formula!
  • Plankton: Your mother knows the Krabby Patty formula?
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe. And you're not family! [Plankton frowns] I'm telling you for the last time: stay away from me mother. [walks out]
  • Plankton: Not family, eh? I can fix that. [cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab]
  • Mama Krabs: Eugene!
  • Mr. Krabs: Mommy!
  • Mama Krabs: What did I tell ye about interfering in me life?
  • Mr. Krabs: Mommy, can't you see? He's trying to seduce the Krabby Patty formula right from under you.
  • Mama Krabs: For your information, Eugene, he hasn't asked me once about the formula. I doubt that he even knows that I know it.
  • Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Uh, yeah...funny thing about that.
  • Mama Krabs: I forbid ye to interfere in me private business. Go to your office, now!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes, mommy. [walks into his office]
  • Plankton: Somebody call heaven because I think an angel's gone missing.
  • Mama Krabs: Oh, Sheldon.
  • Plankton: Oh, Mrs. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, brother.
  • Plankton: Attention, attention everyone. I'd like to make an announcement. Mrs. Krabs, in full view of this restaurant, I ask you for your hand in holy matrimony.
  • Crowd: Aw!
  • Plankton: Would you marry me? [big diamond ring shown up close]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ah, that's it! No more hiding in my room like a scared little kid, it's time to act like a man! [jumps at Plankton]
  • Plankton: Gasp![actually says the word]
  • Mr. Krabs: [jumps in his mother's lap] Please don't marry him, mommy! Don't marry this bad, bad man! I don't want you to!
  • Plankton: Too late Krabsy. We're going to be married. And you're gonna be my new son! [laughs maniacally. Mama Krabs hands the ring back to Plankton] Huh? What's this, honey bunch?
  • Mama Krabs: I'm flattered by your offer, really I am, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment. [Mr. Krabs laughs]
  • Plankton: What is this? There's somebody else, isn't there? [Robot Plankton stomping thunderously]
  • Robot Plankton: [breaks into Krusty Krab with flowers] I...I...this is very uncomfortable. I'll just wait in the car.
  • Plankton: I don't believe this! You led me on!
  • Mama Krabs: Now, now, Plankton, it's not what ye think.
  • Plankton: I don't want to hear your lies! You owe me for leading me on like this! Give me the Krabby Patty formula and we'll call it even.
  • Mama Krabs: The formula? Is that what this whole thing was about?
  • Plankton: No, no, not really. I mean, not at first. I mean uh...honey bunch? Uh-oh. [Mama Krabs shows her muscles, which show as ships cannons. She punches Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] Oh, well, 'tis better to loved and lost than never to be loved at all! [Plankton ends up flying into the ON switch of Karen]
  • Karen: Working.
  • Plankton: So, you decided to come crawling back to me, huh?
  • Karen: [a laser machine comes down] What did you say?
  • Plankton: [chuckles nervously] Nothing, dear.
  • Karen: [zaps him] Yeah, that's what I thought you said, honey bunch. [Plankton groans]

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