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Driven to Tears
Season №: 4
Episode №: 77a
Airdate: February 19, 2007
Previous: "Hocus Pocus"
Next: "Rule of Dumb"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Driven to Tears" from season four, which aired on February 19, 2007.

  • Narrator: It is a very special day in Bikini Bottom.
  • SpongeBob: I'm ready! [walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick] I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards?
  • Patrick: Right here, buddy. [takes them out of his pocket] Everything you need to pass the test is on these cards. [eats the cards] Mmm.
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick!
  • Patrick: Hey, learning tastes good.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, I needed those.
  • Patrick: Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone.
  • SpongeBob: 57 times.
  • Patrick: Well, then 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pass that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner.
  • SpongeBob: I'm a winner?
  • Patrick: Who's a winner?
  • SpongeBob: [sadly] I'm a winner.
  • Patrick: Who's a winner?
  • SpongeBob: [cheered up a little] I'm a winner.
  • Patrick: Who's a winner?!
  • SpongeBob: I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! [runs into the classroom]
  • Narrator: One minute thirty seven seconds later... [SpongeBob walks up crying]
  • Patrick: How'd you do, winner? [crying continues] Let's see that license.
  • SpongeBob: I didn't get a license, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Are they gonna mail it to you?
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all.
  • Patrick: No way! 58 is, like, the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged.
  • SpongeBob: Let's just go home, Patrick.
  • Patrick: We're not going anywhere until I get to the bottom of this. I'm taking that test, myself.
  • SpongeBob: [hanging onto Patrick's pants] No, Patrick! I've been training for years. They'll eat you alive. [Patrick's pants rip off]
  • Patrick: Please, SpongeBob. I think I know what I'm doing.
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick. No!
  • Mrs. Puff: [Patrick walks up to the boat she is sitting in and gets in it, in his underwear] Good morning.
  • Patrick: You're not the judge of me.
  • Mrs. Puff: Actually, I am. Let the testing begin! [clicks pen. Scene cuts to SpongeBob, outside the boating school]
  • SpongeBob: I shouldn't have let him do it. What kind of friend am I?
  • Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: I'm here for you, buddy.
  • Patrick: I passed my test!
  • SpongeBob: You got a perfect score?
  • Patrick: Yeah, I thought you said it was hard.
  • SpongeBob: Perfect score. [eye twitches]
  • Patrick: Come on, I'm gonna get my picture taken for my new license. [scene cuts to the license registration building]
  • Miss Shell: Stand behind the line, sir.
  • Patrick: [smiling] How do I look?
  • SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Like a winner.
  • Miss Shell: Ready?
  • Patrick: Ready. [banner comes down which says "CONGRATULATIONS" on it. Balloons and confetti fall]
  • SpongeBob: Huh?
  • Fish: Congratulations, Mr. Star. You're the one millionth person to pass the test.
  • Patrick: Does that mean I get a free key chain?
  • Fish: Uhh, no.
  • Patrick: Oh.
  • Fish: You get a brand-new boat mobile. The new Bass Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine.
  • Patrick: Yeah! All right!
  • Fish: Women will want you. [all faint] Men will want to be you. [all sigh] You'll be the envy of your friends. [SpongeBob groans]
  • Patrick: Isn't this great? I got my license and a new boat.
  • SpongeBob: I'm so happy for you... ["La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face] Whoa!
  • Patrick: The horn works. [scene cuts to Patrick driving his new boat down the road] Whoo! This is the greatest day ever. Right, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Right, Patrick. I can't think of one thing that would make this day better. Except maybe getting my license.
  • Patrick: Maybe if you apply yourself you could be the two millionth person to get his license.
  • SpongeBob: Two millionth?
  • Patrick: Then you can get a free boat just like me.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, just like you.
  • Patrick: I try to serve as an inspiration to others.
  • SpongeBob: Can we go home now? [zoom out and scene shows Patrick driving around his rock over and over] We've been driving around your house for hours.
  • Patrick: I know. It's a lot faster than walking, isn't it?
  • SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride, Patrick.
  • Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can't help being a... pedestrian. [shudders then drives off. SpongeBob imitates Patrick. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in bed asleep. His clock turns to 3:00am when an engine revving is heard which sends SpongeBob into his diving board then back into his bed]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing?
  • Patrick: I'm trying to work on my boat mobile. Now could you keep it down? It's 3:00 in the morning, people are trying to sleep. [SpongeBob groans and shuts his window then goes back to bed. Scene cuts to 4:00am]
  • SpongeBob: 4:00? [yawns. Doorbell rings] Who could be at the door at this hou— [falls down the stairs. Opens the door] Now what is it, Patrick?
  • Patrick: You will never guess what happen to me today.
  • SpongeBob: You got your license.
  • Patrick: Yeah! [shows his license] But that's not all.
  • SpongeBob: You got a new boat.
  • Patrick: Yeah. Have you been following me? You know, you need to get your own life. [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: [gets back into bed] Oh... I just need a few minutes sleep. [foghorn alarm blows]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Gary, I saw his new boat. [scene cuts to morning where SpongeBob is leaving home to go to work] I'm so tired. [horn honks]
  • Patrick: Hey, buddy. Need a ride to work?
  • SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick, but I'd rather walk to work. [tries to take a step but falls down in the process. Scene cuts to Patrick driving SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab]
  • Patrick: Boy, I never realized how empty life is without a license.
  • SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride.
  • Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can give me rides once you get your license. I mean, if you get your license. [SpongeBob is getting very angry]
  • SpongeBob: That's it. I am through driving around with Patrick. If I have to see one more boat mobile...
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're manning the drive-thru.
  • SpongeBob: When did we get a drive-thru?
  • Mr. Krabs: I realized there's a lot of young people on the go these days. They don't have time to sit down and eat. They're too busy out on the open road living their dreams.
  • SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.
  • SpongeBob: [through headphones] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, may I— ["La Cucaracha" horn honks]
  • Patrick: The horn still works. [scene cuts to SpongeBob switching the OPEN sign to CLOSED then walking out of work. Patrick drives up in a racing uniform] Hey, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: What's with the helmet, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Well, since I'm now an expert driver, I have to keep up my image. [clicks tongue]
  • SpongeBob: Uh-huh. [scene cuts to Patrick driving]
  • Patrick: Boy, driving is so easy.
  • SpongeBob: Oh?
  • Patrick: Do you want me to give you lessons?
  • SpongeBob: [sarcastic] Oh, that would be great.
  • Patrick: Oh! [drives over to SpongeBob's parents]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • Patrick: Hi, mommy. Hi, daddy.
  • Mr. SquarePants: Patrick, how many times do we have to tell you we're SpongeBob's mom and dad, not yours?
  • Patrick: What? I'm an orphan? Oh, but guess what? I passed my driver's test.
  • Mrs. SquarePants: That's great, Patrick.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob failed his test, so don't mention it.
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, we know how to stay clear of that minefield.
  • SpongeBob: Mom!
  • Patrick: Well, I've got to take Mr. Walks-a-lot back home. He's always asking for rides.
  • SpongeBob: Hey. [Patrick drives off]
  • Mr. SquarePants: Even Patrick has a license. [both parents sigh]
  • Patrick: Let's see what this baby can do. [steps on the gas. Ride pass a sign that reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MPH']
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, the speed limit is 40mph.
  • Patrick: Yeah, yeah.
  • SpongeBob: [reads the speedometer] 40.5mph? That's almost 41mph. He's speeding. Patrick! Stop this car. [car stops next to a policeman]
  • Patrick: What? Where? Who?
  • SpongeBob: Officer, it is my civilian duty to report that the the driver of this vehicle is speeding. Why don't you clock him with your radar gun?
  • Officer: Umm... okay. [uses radar gun. It reads 0mph] Actually, he's going 40mph under the limit. So, move along before I run you in, tattletale. [drives off]
  • SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't want to run him in? [scene cuts to Patrick driving. Green light turns red] It's a red light, Patrick! [Patrick runs through red lights] Patrick, you just ran 3 red lights!
  • Patrick: So?
  • SpongeBob: You're suppose to stop!
  • Patrick: I think the driving genius knows what he's doing!
  • SpongeBob: [finally snaps] Driving genius?! Why would a genius make an illegal u-turn... through an orphanage?!
  • Patrick: They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about?
  • SpongeBob: I should've gotten that license, and this should be my boat mobile!
  • Patrick: How can you say that?! If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license!
  • SpongeBob: If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face!
  • Patrick: I'm not rubbing my license in your face! This is rubbing my license in your face! [takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob's face, which makes muffled noises]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this! You don't deserve this! [tears up Patrick's license then laughs. The pieces of the license fly into the officers hands]
  • Officer: Huh, litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. [drives off after SpongeBob & Patrick]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: It's the police!
  • Officer: [over speaker] Pull it over, litterbug!
  • Patrick: Litterbug?! No! [drives faster]
  • Officer: Ooh, I got me a runner. [a bunch of police cars are following him]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what do you think you're doing?
  • Patrick: I don't know! I don't have a license anymore. [drives around cards, through a sign then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail. Scene cuts to courtroom]
  • Judge: 90 days. I hope you learned a valuable lesson about littering.
  • Patrick: So long, buddy. Don't forget to feed Gary. Sometimes you forget to feed him.
  • SpongeBob: What have I done? Patrick can't survive in prison. He's too soft. Wait! [runs up to the judge] Patrick's innocent. I tore up Patrick's license and threw it out the window. I'm the litterbug. Take me instead.
  • Judge: Well, considering there's no legal precedent... oh, what the heck. 90 days! [a smiling SpongeBob is put in jail]
  • Narrator: One debt to society later... [door buzzes. SpongeBob is let go out of jail where Patrick is waiting for him]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick!
  • Patrick: SpongeBob! [both hug]
  • SpongeBob: I'm glad you passed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. [shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER"] Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy.
  • Patrick: Oh, I don't have a boat mobile anymore.
  • SpongeBob: What?
  • Patrick: It stopped working so I threw it away. The needle was on E and I figured that must mean end.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, then what do we do with this? [Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind]
  • Patrick: How's that?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah!
  • Patrick: Ready, buddy?
  • SpongeBob: Ready, pal. [hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises] Whoo! Whoo!

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