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"Doing Time" (transcript)

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Transcript Information
Doing Time
General
Season №: 3
Episode №: 45b
Airdate: January 21, 2002
Chronology
Previous: "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV"
Next: "Snowball Effect"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Doing Time" from season three, which aired on January 21, 2002.

  • [SpongeBob is in his driving test again and destroying stuff, as usual]
  • Mrs. Puff: The driving test is over, SpongeBob. Stop the boat!
  • SpongeBob: Wait, I can do this, Mrs. Puff, I can do this!
  • Mrs. Puff: The road, SpongeBob, get back on the road!
  • SpongeBob: Gotta pass the test! Gotta pass! [Mrs. Puff is screaming as the boat goes through a cart of watermelons]
  • Vendor: Hey! What've you got against the melons?!
  • Mrs. Puff: Look out!
  • SpongeBob: [has a watermelon on his face] This must be the night driving part of the test. [scene cuts to two police officers using their nightsticks on something offscreen]
  • Officer Nancy: We're gonna straighten you out!
  • Officer Malley: This'll fix ya! [They grunt as they hit a parking meter until it's straight] Now let's get that one. [points his nightstick at another crooked parking meter. SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff drive by through a building, knocking it over]
  • Officer Nancy: Barnacles, did you see that?!
  • Officer Malley: Yeah! That guy had no front license plate! Let's get him! [SpongeBob looks back at the numerous police cars chasing behind him]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, look at all those police! I wonder if the president's in town.
  • Mrs. Puff: Look out! [The mayor is cutting a ribbon at the end of a bridge that is not finished]
  • Mayor: It is with great pride that I officially open this unfinished bridge! [SpongeBob drives through the ribbon before he cuts it. The crowd of people that are gathering around the mayor take pictures. SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff do not make it on the other side of the bridge so they fall to the bottom]
  • Mrs. Puff: Where did I go wrong?! [flashback to Mrs. Puff's first day of boating school] With the opening of my new boating school, I pledge that as long as a student is willing to learn, I shall never give up. [SpongeBob walks up to her]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, I'm SpongeBob SquarePants. [scene cuts back to Mrs. Puff, who is still screaming. Scene then shows a retirement home where a fish in a white coat is yelling at a truck]
  • Fish: Hurry up with that truckload of fruit punch! The seniors are getting cranky! [fish looks up and notices SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff crashing into the truck]
  • Mrs. Puff: Alive! I'm alive! Oh, thank Neptune, I'm still... [a squad car smashes down on the boat mobile. The other squad cars fall on and around the truck. The truck falls over on its side as all the fruit punch comes pouring out]
  • Feminine Tom: [inside the retirement home] Alright, seniors, let's open these windows so the world can see your nice white clothes. [when the window is opened, the fruit punch pours in. Scene cuts to Fred, who is mopping the hallway and listening to "Surfin' U.S.A." by the Beach Boys on his headphones. The fruit punch fills the hallway, drains, and Fred is still mopping the same spot. Scene cut to an elderly fish man, who is writing on some paper]
  • Elderly Fish: Oh, it's finally finished! A memoir of my life, written in red ink. [red punch comes flowing in, making his memoir papers soggy and red] Aww, barnacles. [scene cuts back to outside where all the mess is]
  • Mrs. Puff: Ow. SpongeBob, are you okay?
  • SpongeBob: That depends, did I pass?
  • Officer Nancy: Freeze, you're under arrest!
  • Mrs. Puff: Hold it, you can't arrest him! He's just a student driver!
  • Officer Nancy: We're not talking about him. [scene cuts to Mrs. Puff wearing a prison uniform, being locked up in jail]
  • Mrs. Puff: But I don't belong here! It's all a big mistake! [this triggers some other woman prisoners to complain about their not belonging here too. Puff walks over and sits down on the bed] Ok, you can do this, Puff. You can get through this without losing your sanity. Oh, that's a road we don't want to go down again. Positives. Think of the positives. Let's see...I've got no more papers to grade. Yeah! [laughs then jumps to the floor] In fact, no more work. No more boating school classes. No more driving, no more SpongeBob... [Mrs. Puff's brain clicks]...no more phone solicitors, no more SpongeBob, no more company potlucks, no more SpongeBob... [gets into bed] ...no more road rage, no more SpongeBob, no more insurance payments, no more SpongeBob, no more SpongeBob, [laughing] no more SpongeBob, [screaming maniacally] no more SpongeBob! [sighs] I think I'm gonna like this place. [scene cuts to her boating school, which is deserted and dusty, with SpongeBob the only one in the room]
  • SpongeBob: Class just isn't the same without Mrs. Puff. Just the thought of her alone and afraid in jail makes me think about her being alone and afraid in jail. I don't know how she's going to survive. [scene cuts to Mrs. Puff breaking rocks, making license plates, and lifting weights, with a happy expression]
  • Mrs. Puff: Smelling the pretty roses.... haaaaaapiness is just two kinds of ice creeeeam! [cuts back to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, that poor woman. And it's all my fault. Maybe if I go talk to Patrick, he can ease my guilt. [scene cuts to the outside of Patrick's rock]
  • Patrick: Well, it sounds like it's all your fault.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, you're right! Mrs. Puff's in jail and it's all because of me! I'm such a barnacle head! [Patrick takes one of his dots and puts it in the place of his nose] Poor Mrs. Puff. I know, I gotta get her out! But to get her out of jail, first we gotta get in jail.
  • Patrick: How are we gonna do that? [scene cuts to the First Nautical Bank]
  • SpongeBob: Alright, put the money in the bag! [SpongeBob is in the bank, wearing a sock over his head, with a bag in his hands, facing the wrong way] PUT IT IN!!!
  • Bank Teller: Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.
  • SpongeBob: [turns around then laughs] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!!!
  • Bank Teller: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, savings.
  • Bank Teller: May I please see some identification?
  • SpongeBob: Sure. [takes out a card and gives it to the bank teller] Here ya go.
  • Bank Teller: Thank you. [SpongeBob's Jellyfishers Club Membership card is shown. As the bank teller types on the cash register, SpongeBob lifts up the sock on his head and gives Patrick a thumbs up] Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.
  • SpongeBob: Oh.
  • Bank Teller: Next! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk out of the bank]
  • SpongeBob: Well, that went better than expected.
  • Patrick: Yeah! I didn't think we'd get Mrs. Puff out of jail this fast! [SpongeBob's eyes rip through the sock. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick disguised as yellow and pink rocks]
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick, we'll get into jail this time. [a truck full of rocks drives up]
  • Fish: Hey, there's a couple. [gets out and throws the two rocks in the truck]
  • Guard: Put your back in it, girls! [women prisoners are crushing rocks outside. The truck arrives and unloads more rocks]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, there she is! [both jump over to Mrs. Puff where she is about to hit them] Mrs. Puff, wait, it's us, SpongeBob and Patrick!
  • Mrs. Puff: That's funny. For a second, I thought that yellow rock talked to me. And its voice sounded a lot like...
  • SpongeBob: SpongeBob. It's me, SpongeBob. [Mrs. Puff screams as she throws the pickaxe behind her] We're gonna bust you out of here. C'mon, Mrs. Puff! [Mrs. Puff starts shaking]
  • Mrs. Puff: It's you. What are you doing here? Why did you follow me in here? Why?! [one of the guards walks up, with Mrs. Puff's pickaxe in his head]
  • Guard #1: Alright, Mrs. Puff, it seems like this heat's gone to your head. If you're gonna talk to rocks, I guess it's time for you to go on kitchen duty.
  • Mrs. Puff: Yes, it must be the heat. Yes. [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: Darn it! Ok, Patrick, let's get out of here. [a woman prisoner walks over] No, wait! [she smashes the two rocks into pieces] There goes our deposit on these costumes. [scene cuts to lunchtime where Mrs. Puff is serving chili to the prisoners. A woman, with a deep voice, walks up to Mrs. Puff]
  • Woman: Hey there, Puff Mama. What's today's grub?
  • Mrs. Puff: Hi, Donna. It's chili, same as always. Let me get you some. [scoops up SpongeBob's nose]
  • SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, it's me, SpongeBob!
  • Mrs. Puff: When are these horrific hallucinations going to end? [SpongeBob gets out of the chili]
  • SpongeBob: No, it's really me! [pulls Patrick up out of the chili] I brought Patrick along too.
  • Patrick: Hi.
  • Mrs. Puff: Why?
  • SpongeBob: 'Cause we're gonna set you free!
  • Mrs. Puff: No, I mean, why'd you bring him? [Patrick eats some chili]
  • SpongeBob: He likes chili. Now quick, get in before someone sees. [makes a rectangle-shaped entrance in the chili]
  • Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I am not going with you.
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] That's a good one, Mrs. Puff. Now hop in. Come on!
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, I think she means it.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, that's crazy, Patrick.
  • Mrs. Puff: He's right, SpongeBob. I'm staying.
  • SpongeBob: But why?
  • Mrs. Puff: I like it here. These are my people! [cut to a shot of some angry, gruff looking woman prisoners] And besides, if I'm in here, that means I won't have to deal with yooou... [we see SpongeBob sad] ...uranium in the water supply. [she whips out a glass of water] See? Crystal clear! [she drinks it]
  • SpongeBob: Excuse us for just one second, Mrs. Puff. [to Patrick] Patrick, she has lost it! She's completely institutionalized. She's forgotten what it's like to live in the outside world. To not be in prison. [scene cuts to a man in traffic then at his desk at work and then staring out his bedroom window]
  • Woman: Coming to bed, honey?
  • Man: Yes, dear. [scene cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: We've got to remind her that there is a life other than this. Mrs. Puff, if you come with us, I'll stay after school and decorate the whole classroom.
  • Mrs. Puff: For the last time, no! [SpongeBob and Patrick disappear inside the chili as a guard walks up] I'm not going with you and that's final! [notices the guard] Oh. [laughs nervously]
  • Guard #1: Talking to inanimate objects again, huh, Puff? Get back to your cell. No more kitchen time for you. [Mrs. Puff walks off sad. SpongeBob and Patrick watch her. Scene cuts to Mrs. Puff burning coal into wire hangers until SpongeBob and Patrick come down the conveyor belt]
  • SpongeBob: Quick, Mrs. Puff, hop on!
  • Mrs. Puff: Guards! Guards, come quick. [The guards run over to her] There's a crazed ex-student of mine and his overweight friend here to break me out!
  • Guard #1: That's just raw material used to make coat hangers. You need some rest. [Grunts as he pushes the level down, squishing SpongeBob and Patrick, which fills the room with steam. Scene cuts to Mrs. Puff brushing her teeth. SpongeBob and Patrick come up from the toilet]
  • SpongeBob: Psst! [Mrs. Puff screams] Hop in, Mrs. Puff.
  • Mrs. Puff: Guards! Guards, come look! [guard runs over and sees SpongeBob and Patrick in the toilet]
  • Guard #1: Whoa. They don't pay me enough to do this job. [The guard flushes the toilet. Cuts to Mrs. Puff in her bed. SpongeBob and Patrick peek from the top bunk]
  • SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, up here.
  • Mrs. Puff: Guards, guards! They're back! [two guards walk up]
  • Guard #1: What's all the hubbub, Puff?
  • Mrs. Puff: They're back! [guards remove their heads showing them as SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Mrs. Puff, it's us! [both wink and give her a thumbs up]
  • Mrs. Puff: [screams and cries as the real two guards run up]
  • Guard #1: What the barnacle is going on?
  • Mrs. Puff: Get away from me! Get away!
  • Guard #1: What are you talking about, Puff?
  • Mrs. Puff: You can't fool me! You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili. [rips off the guards' faces leaving their skulls shown]
  • Guard #1: Let's face it, Puff, you've gone off the deep end. [scene cuts to the guards throwing Mrs. Puff, who is in a straitjacket, in a small square room] Get in there, you! You need a nice long stay in solitary confinement! [slams the door, which makes a squeaking sound]
  • Mrs. Puff: Oh well. Let's look at the positives again. I'm finally away from those two. Yes. All alone in my nice, soft room.
  • SpongeBob: Made of sponge! [laughs. The room is made of yellow sponge as SpongeBob's face appears on all sides of the wall. Mrs. Puff screams as the scene goes back to SpongeBob driving in mid-air with the police behind them. The boat crashes into the truck full of punch, knocking it over, and spilling again]
  • Officer Malley: Freeze! Your joyride's over, punk. [police officers walk over]
  • Mrs. Puff: No! What? [policemen grab SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: No! What are you doing? Help! Help! No, no, please! I have a snail to feed! I can't go to jail now! This is not a good time! No, please, please! I'm not a criminal! [They throw him into the back of the police car then drive off]
  • Mrs. Puff: I can't believe it. It was all a dream. I'm not going to jail!
  • Officer Malley: Why would you go to jail? You already did your time. [zoom out to reveal Mrs. Puff wearing prison striped clothes with a ball chained to her ankle. She screams as the scene goes back to her screaming while the boat is in mid-air]
  • Mrs. Puff: Oh, it's just my imagination again. [zooms over to show Donna driving the boat]
  • Donna: So what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama? Chili? [Mrs. Puff screams again as the scene goes back to SpongeBob driving in mid-air]
  • Mrs. Puff: Huh? What? Huh? Ah, forget it.

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