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Transcript Information [edit]
Season №: 6
Episode №: 114b
Airdate: November 28, 2008
Previous: "Dear Vikings"
Next: "Grandpappy the Pirate"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Ditchin'" from season six, which aired on November 28, 2008.

  • [The New Adventures of, then Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy show up on a TV screen via flipping towards the screen]
  • Mermaid Man: You'll never escape this time, Man Ray! Our molecular bubble is impenetrable!
  • Man Ray: That's exactly what I was hoping for. [Laughs evilly]
  • Mermaid Man: Whoa! [Man Ray knocks the two heroes over with the bubble]
  • Man Ray: [Laughs evilly]
  • Mermaid Man: Stop! [The heroes fire lasers at Man Ray, but miss him due to the bubble]
  • Man Ray: [Laughs evilly] Thanks for making this easy. Till next time! [Laughs evilly, and floats away]
  • Narrator: You just enjoyed another exciting episode of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Brought to you by... [cuts to a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book] ...the new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy book!
  • Patrick and SpongeBob: [hug each other and gasp]
  • Narrator: For the first time, we learn about these legendary superheroes' origins, and their rise to stardom. Tomorrow, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy will appear in the flesh signing their new books!
  • [Patrick and SpongeBob bite their nails, and speak gibberish]
  • Narrator: Don't delay! Arrive early to make sure you get your copy signed! Doors open at 8 a.m.
  • Patrick: Oh, boy! We're gonna get our books signed and then we're gonna meet Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and then we're gonna shake their hands and then they're gonna sign our books!
  • SpongeBob: There's only one problem! ...I can't.
  • Patrick: What do you mean? [Drops SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: I'll be in boating school at 8 a.m. tomorrow.
  • Patrick: Oh, well, can't you just skip a day? Just call in sick. Always works for Squidward.
  • SpongeBob: And tarnish my reputation of never missing one day of school? I couldn't. Besides, that would be lying. And lying is wrong.
  • Patrick: Okay. Hmm... oh, I know! What are those things you use when... after you eat, you need to take a...
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Take a... take a bathroom break!
  • Patrick: That's the one! Why don't you take a bathroom break tomorrow, sneak out the window, get your book signed, and sneak back into class! It wouldn't take long at all!
  • SpongeBob: But what if I don't need to use the bathroom?
  • Patrick: Oh! There's always the catch. [Speaks gibberish, and walks into the kitchen] I need brain fuel! Ah! SpongeBob, how am I gonna feed my brain when all you have is your fancy bubbly water? Well, it'll have to do. [Takes a bottle, and chugs it down, takes two other bottles]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, is this really neces—
  • Patrick: —sary? Yes, it is! [Drinks the two bottles he took, camera cuts to Patrick's insides, and shows the water filling up his body as he drinks]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick?
  • Patrick: Yeah?
  • SpongeBob: You feeling all right?
  • Patrick: [Turns to see he is completely fattened] Uh-huh. [Burps] Why?
  • SpongeBob: Nothing. Nothing. [Light bulb pops by his head] That's it!
  • Patrick: What? [Burps]
  • SpongeBob: I won't go to the bathroom till tomorrow. And when I have to go, I'll really have to... [changes position like he needs to go to the bathroom] ...go. [Laughs. Bubble transition to boating school]
  • Mrs. Puff: Can anyone tell me what the hand signal is for a left turn? [Sees SpongeBob, who is groaning and holding his pee and even curling up his legs] Something the matter, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Nneee just a little... woo! Woo! I gotta, nnnnn, gotta go to the...
  • Mrs. Puff: I'd say so. [Holds up the bathroom key] Here. [Close up to the bathroom key]
  • SpongeBob: The bathroom key!
  • Mrs. Puff: And make sure you return that bathroom key to my desk, or you're in big trouble mister.
  • SpongeBob: Nnnnn, thank you, Mrs. Puff. Nnnnn... [Squirms toward Mrs. Puff]
  • Mrs. Puff: And hurry back. No dilly-dallying.
  • SpongeBob: [Grabs the key] Thanks. Will do. Nnnnn... [Exits boating school. Bubble transition to Near Mint Comic Books]
  • Barnacle Boy: [Finishing up signing a book for a young fish] There you are, young man.
  • Fish: Oh, boy. Signed by Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Now I shall be the envy of the Superhero Fan Club! Ohhh... [walks away]
  • Barnacle Boy: Next.
  • Mermaid Man: Boy, I sure do like signing books. What's this for again?
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, will you sign our books?
  • Barnacle Boy: Of course. [Takes books. Patrick and SpongeBob excitedly speak gibberish together]
  • Barnacle Boy: There you go.
  • Patrick and SpongeBob: Thank you!
  • Barnacle Boy: Anytime, boys.
  • Mermaid Man: And remember, stay on the path of evil!
  • Barnacle Boy: It's stay away from the path of evil.
  • Mermaid Man: Oh. Wh-what is evil?
  • Barnacle Boy: Oh. [Speaks gibberish. Bubble transition to Jellyfish Fields]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, that was fun. Well, I should really start heading back to class.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, look! [Cuts to a jellyfish] Let's go catch it! [Runs after the jellyfish]
  • SpongeBob: But what about my class?
  • Patrick: This is a shortcut.
  • SpongeBob: Wait up! You don't even have a net! Patrick! [gasps, camera cuts to numerous jellyfish] Wow. Neptune's scepter, I don't believe this!
  • Patrick: Pretty cool, huh? [Cuts to Patrick in midair]
  • SpongeBob: How'd you do that?
  • Patrick: I didn't do it. They did. [Camera pans out to show Patrick actually sitting on some jellyfish, pats one] They're friendly.
  • SpongeBob: Wow! [Looks up, a jellyfish sees SpongeBob's net, smiles, and goes inside of it] Oh boy, you weren't kidding! [Laughs and runs along with Patrick. Camera cuts to SpongeBob catching one jellyfish, then two, then four]
  • SpongeBob: [Shown having caught all the jellyfish] You're free to go, guys. [Jellyfish exit net. Bubble transition to the street]
  • Patrick: [Stops SpongeBob] Ice cream! [Runs toward stand]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, come on, I don't have time for this.
  • Patrick: Yeah, four scoops. [Sadie scoops a final vanilla scoop onto Patrick's cone]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, have you forgotten I gotta go?
  • Patrick: Oh, don't be such a sourpuss. [Gets out a dollar and hands it to Sadie] Here, I'll buy you a cone.
  • [Confetti falls]
  • Sadie: [Uses a noise maker] Congratulations! You're my 100th customer! [Pulls down sheet saying '100TH CUSTOMER!'] From now on, you can come back and have all the free ice cream you want!
  • SpongeBob: [Laughs. Bubble transition to Goo Lagoon]
  • Patrick: [Picks up ice cream with his tooth, gulps it down, shivers, and lets out a breath of cold air]
  • SpongeBob: [Slides ice cream into his mouth with his tongue, gulps it down, shivers, and lets out a breath of cold air]
  • SpongeBob: [Eats cone along with Patrick] Well, this certainly has been a glorious day, but I better get back to class.
  • Patrick: [Speaks muffledly]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, you said it buddy.
  • Sandy: Where do you think you're going, SquarePants? You just got here.
  • SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Sandy, but I just gotta get back to class.
  • Sandy: Sure you can't stay for just a short spell, SpongeBob? I mean, it's such a nice day, everyone's having a good time.
  • Every Fish at Goo Lagoon: Hi, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: No! I gave Mrs. Puff my word, and I shall not betray her!
  • Sandy: Not even for a game of badminton with me and Dale here?
  • SpongeBob: Okay, maybe just one game.
  • [Bubble transition to the badminton game]
  • Sandy: I'm serving it up, SpongeBob! Ready or not! [Throws up birdie]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you know how to play this game?
  • Patrick: [shrugs]
  • Sandy: [serves birdie]
  • SpongeBob: Is this the one when the lowest score wins? [Sets racquet outward, birdie bounces off it, Sandy tries to save, but birdie lands right by her racquet]
  • Sandy: Nice job, SpongeBob! Your serve!
  • SpongeBob: Here it comes! [Throws up birdie, but cannot hit it with the racquet, falls, and ends up serving with his foot. Birdie flies past Sandy and Dale, and lands in the sand]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this game!
  • Patrick: [Hits birdie]
  • Sandy: [Spikes birdie down, and makes a hole in Patrick's head]
  • SpongeBob: [squirms, the racquet hits the birdie and lands directly where Sandy and Dale's area started]
  • Gray Fish: He's about to beat the undefeated Sandy Cheeks at her own game!
  • Crowd: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! [Continue chanting]
  • SpongeBob: [serves birdie]
  • Dale: [hits birdie back]
  • SpongeBob: [Lightly hits birdie back]
  • Sandy: [Hits birdie back]
  • SpongeBob: [Screams, jumps in the air, and hits birdie. Sandy and Dale tried to hit it back, but almost barely succeed, the birdie landing in the sand]
  • Crowd: [cheers]
  • SpongeBob: [Walking away] Well, I better be off now.
  • Crowd: No!
  • Gray Fish: Don't go SpongeBob! Think about your fans!
  • SpongeBob: Well, if it's for the fans, well maybe I can play one game more.
  • Police fish: Not today, yellow. You've been playing with a convicted felon, and we know he's violated his parole somehow. You might as well confess, Dale.
  • [A crowd begins to gather around the scene]
  • Dale: Hey, man! I haven't done nothing!
  • Police fish: Oh, yeah? What have you got in there? [Police pulls out candy from Dale's shirt pocket] Quasi-Gummy Chewy Candy Fish. Is this how you have fun? By eating your own kind? Scum like you make me sick. Cuff him!
  • [Another police fish approaches Dale and clutches handcuffs around Dale's wrists, which are now behind his back. Dale is escorted away from the scene]
  • Gray Fish: That's a shame what happened to Dale. We were classmates back in boating school. He used to be a good student, until he started cutting class. Ever since then, he's led the lonely life of a criminal.
  • SpongeBob: C-c-c-c... [pulls his bottom eyelids down] ...criminal? [Lets go of eyelids] I gotta go back to class! [Runs in circles, and runs away upside down] I can't be a ditcher! [Runs into volleyball game, is accidentally involved as the volleyball, ends up in the road and is run over by an old roller blader, he struggles to find his body, until only his legs are missing, he sees his legs running, pants to catch up with them and jumps into them] Almost there. Just have to get past the... [skids to a halt] ...Bikini Bottom Hug Fest?
  • Sadie: Aww... does someone need a hug?
  • SpongeBob: No, no, no, no...
  • Sadie: [Hugs SpongeBob] Don't fight the love, kid.
  • SpongeBob: Miss, if you don't let me go right now, I might have to turn into a criminal! [Squeezes out of Sadie's grip, and rolls away] Whaaa!
  • Sadie: [gasps] That sounded like a threat!
  • Harold: I am so sorry. [Hugs Sadie as she may begin weeping. Cut to SpongeBob, still rolling]
  • SpongeBob: [speaks gibberish, and falls off a cliff] Whoa! [lands in blue gunk, camera pans out to show surroundings, as well as the sign to show where he is] The tar pits? [sinks] Ah! I'm sinking! [spits out tar] Well, I guess this is the end, SquarePants. But like the old saying goes, "Better to end up sinking into a prehistoric lake of tar, then to turn to a life of crime!" Goodbye, world. Goodbye, Mrs. Puff. I'll always cherish those last kind words that you said to me.
  • [thinks]
  • Mrs. Puff: Make sure you return that bathroom key to my desk or you're in big trouble mister.
  • SpongeBob: [sinks all the way in. Camera stays at tar pits for a while, before SpongeBob's tar-covered hand pops up with the bathroom key, also covered in tar]
  • SpongeBob: [walks up from the tar, losing the tar from where he pops up] Ohh! I never returned Mrs. Puff's bathroom key! I can't give up now!
  • Crowd: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: [pulls onto a prehistoric animal's tusk, and is flung face-first into the wall. Camera cuts to cliff, which SpongeBob climbs]
  • SpongeBob: [Runs for boating school] I made it! And a minute before the final bell. I am home free. [Tries walking through the door, but ends up running into Mrs. Puff] Mrs. Puff. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me. I don't know what happened. Everything just got away from me. [Holds up bathroom key] I brought back your bathroom key, though.
  • Mrs. Puff: I haven't the foggiest idea what you're going on about, SpongeBob, but I don't have time for it. I've got my own problems. [Two police officers show up behind her, and cuff her] Johnny Law finally caught up to me for ditching jury duty. Let this be a lesson to you, SpongeBob...never ditch.
  • SpongeBob: Okay, Mrs. Puff. I'll never ditch again! I promise.
  • Mrs. Puff: That's a good boy, SpongeBob. Never di... Again?! What do you mean, again? [Bus drives away]

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