Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy VI The Motion Picture 102
"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'"

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Club SpongeBob
Season №: 3
Episode №: 42a
Airdate: July 12, 2002
Previous: "SpongeGuard on Duty"
Next: "My Pretty Seahorse"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Club SpongeBob" from season three, which aired on July 12, 2002.

  • [scene starts with Squidward humming]
  • Squidward: There's my hat... and there's that, and here we go. [starts riding his bicycle to work and passes a tall tree with a treehouse on top of it with SpongeBob and Patrick in it]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]
  • SpongeBob: Wey, wook. It's Widward!
  • Squidward: What?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • Squidward: [growls]
  • Patrick: Where does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • Squidward: What's that supposed to be— some kind of stupid secret code?
  • SpongeBob: We can't tell you 'cause you're not a member of the club.
  • Squidward: Oh, yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!
  • Squidward: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!
  • Patrick: [whispering to SpongeBob] What did he say?
  • SpongeBob: [whispering to Patrick]I don't know. Something about his nose?
  • Patrick: [sticks his head out of the "Club Tree" and talks to Squidward] Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
  • Squidward: Oh, what do you two zeros know about fitting in? [takes off his hat and starts to climb the "Club Tree"] Why, you should be begging me to join!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! Squidward, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Squidward! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!
  • [Squidward grunts as he tries to get in the "Club Tree"]
  • Squidward: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!
  • Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
  • SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for three days.
  • Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in.
  • Squidward: [sneers]
  • SpongeBob: Well, since you're here, Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Ready!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing] Welcome to our club! Welcome to our club! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squid...!
  • Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a tree beside the tree holding up the "Club Tree" and pulls it while the other tree is going down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club! [gets to the floor but the tree snaps and the tree holding up the "Club Tree" flings back very fast and the "Club Tree" flies off it. He starts screaming]
  • Nancy: Whoa!
  • Frank: Make a wish, honey.
  • [Squidward continues screaming. The "Club Tree" falls into the Kelp Forest]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [they do the victory screech from "The Algae's Always Greener"]
  • Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!
  • Patrick: What happened?
  • [SpongeBob shrugs. Squidward runs around the "Club Tree"]
  • Squidward: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward who starts crying]
  • Squidward: Oh, why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? Why-y-y-y?!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.
  • Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose.
  • [camera zooms in on Squidward's head which deflates]
  • Squidward: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]
  • SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward.
  • Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?
  • SpongeBob: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [they do the victory screech again]
  • SpongeBob: And besides, we have this! [pulls out a conch shell]
  • Squidward: What's that?
  • Patrick: Ohhh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
  • SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]
  • Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling] Oooohhhh!
  • Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possibly help us?
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes its advice before we do anything.
  • Patrick: The shell knows all!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
  • Magic Conch: Nothing.
  • Patrick: The shell has spoken!
  • Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting down doing nothing]
  • Squidward: [growls] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]
  • Squidward: [growls again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! [starts walking away in the Kelp Forest] But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down! Sad clowns... [laughs] sad... [laughs again] clowns. [laughs again. He begins to run fast and scared while panting] What was that? I was already here! Which way do I go? Oh, I'm lost! [trips and falls] Ohh... I'm hopelessly lost! I'll never get out of here! [sees light] Huh? [laughing. He goes toward the light] I'm free! Take that, SpongeBob and Patrick! [pumps fists in the air and starts laughing triumphantly but sees SpongeBob and Patrick] Huh? Ohhh... [falls on the ground] there's no way out of here. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick still doing nothing. A stick is thrown at Patrick's head. Squidward is putting a pan over a fire] How's it going over there at Club Shell-for-Brains? Mmm-mmm-mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club Squidward tonight? [steps on a bug] Ah... [puts the bug on the pan and walks over to SpongeBob and waves the pan over his nose] Doesn't that smell good, SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days. [walks over to Patrick] How about you, Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. [walks away from Patrick] And do you know why, SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell! [shakes his butt in SpongeBob's face] If you had listened to me you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listened to a talking clam... [moves back to Club Squidward] that tells you nothing! As if the answers to solve all your problems will fall right out of the sky! [laughs] Fall right out of the sky! [camera switches to an airplane falling out of the sky]
  • Scooter: Dude, we're falling right out the sky! We gotta drop the load! [presses the "Drop the Load" button. The airplane drops picnic supplies to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch! [victory screech. Squidward stares shockingly and the bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat. SpongeBob eats two hamburgers. Patrick eating a whole turkey in one bite. Now, when SpongeBob and Patrick are drinking, SpongeBob is drinking a can of soda and Patrick is drinking a bottle of ketchup. They laugh]
  • Squidward: Uh, hey, uh, SpongeBob... that sure is a lot of food you got there.
  • SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch.
  • Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. [gasps] Oh! Smoked sausages! My favorite! [smells them but Patrick sucks them in and Squidward's nose too. He pulls his nose out] Uh, hey, uh, [laughs] SpongeBob, know I was just kidding around earlier and-and-and I-I-I mean I'm... I'm still part of the club, right? And... and-and-and-and-and after all, the-the club's gotta stick together, and I-I mean... you know, I-I, um... [stammers] [While he is saying all this, SpongeBob is eating a cookie and is drinking a glass of orange juice]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward?
  • Squidward: Umm...uh..yeah?
  • SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! [victory screech]
  • Squidward: Yeah. [mimics the victory screech, weakly] Now, uh, if you'll excuse me... [runs to the table with all the food] All right... What shall I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
  • SpongeBob: Why don't you ask... the Magic Conch, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick pull the table away and block it]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet. This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization.
  • Patrick: [whispering] Maybe he's not a brother.
  • [SpongeBob looks at Squidward wide-eyed]
  • Squidward: [chuckles] Hey, y-you guys have it all wrong. I-I love this, uh, piece of plastic. [takes the Magic Conch from SpongeBob] Uh, hello there. Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
  • Magic Conch: Neither.
  • Squidward: Oh. Then how about the soup?
  • Magic Conch: I don't think so.
  • Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: No?! What do you mean no? I'm starving here!
  • Patrick: [takes Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Patrick: Hmm... Could I have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
  • Magic Conch: Yes.
  • Patrick: All right! [vacuums in the sandwich and burps] Sorry, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Give me that! [takes Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
  • Magic Conch: Try asking again.
  • Squidward: [asks politely with a grin on his face] Can I have something to eat?
  • Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic-like tone] No.
  • [Squidward starts getting enraged]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, are you all right?
  • [Squidward shakes his head uncontrollably]
  • Patrick: Maybe we should ask the shell if he's okay.
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Hello?! [cuts through the kelp. He gasps and sees SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward dirty] Do you folks need some help?
  • Squidward: [gasps] I'm saved! [runs over to the forest ranger] You don't know how happy I am to see you. I have been stranded out here for weeks with-with-with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: Magic... Conch Shell? [pulls out a Magic Conch Shell] You mean like this?! [says this while cross-eyed and having two big teeth]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch! A club member!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: [victory screech]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [victory screech]
  • Squidward: [dumbstruck] Abra.
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: My conch told me to come save you guys.
  • SpongeBob, Patrick and Kelp Forest Ranger: Hooray for the magic conches!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: All right, Magic Conch... what do we do now?
  • Magic Conch: Nothing.
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, and Kelp Forest Ranger: All hail the Magic Conch! [they sit down doing nothing. Squidward, still dumbstruck, moves in between them]
  • Squidward: All hail the magic conch! [sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Kelp Forest Ranger]

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