Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Club SpongeBob" from season 3, which aired on July 12, 2002.

  • [The episode starts with Squidward leaving his house on a bicycle while he hums a tune.]
  • Squidward: There's my hat... and there's that, and here we go. [starts riding his bicycle to work and passes a tall piece of stalk with a treehouse on top of it with SpongeBob and Patrick in it]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]
  • SpongeBob: Wey, wook. It's Widward!
  • Squidward: What?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • Squidward: [growls]
  • Patrick: Where does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]
  • Squidward: What's that supposed to be? Some kind of stupid secret code?
  • SpongeBob: We can't tell you, 'cause you're not a member of the club.
  • Squidward: Oh, yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!
  • Squidward: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!
  • Patrick: [whispering to SpongeBob] What did he say?
  • SpongeBob: [whispering to Patrick] I don't know, something about his nose?
  • Patrick: [sticks his head out of the "Clubhouse" and talks to Squidward] Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
  • Squidward: Oh, what do you two zeros know about fitting in? [takes off his hat and starts to climb up the "Clubhouse"] Why, you should be begging me to join!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! Squidward, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Squidward! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!
  • [Squidward grunts as he tries to get in the "Clubhouse"]
  • Squidward: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!
  • Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
  • SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for 3 days.
  • Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in.
  • Squidward: [sneers]
  • SpongeBob: Well, since you're here, Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Ready!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing] Welcome to our club! Welcome to our club! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Wel-
  • Squidward: [Blocks their mouths] Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a smaller stalk beside the one holding up the "Clubhouse" and pulls it while the taller one is bending down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club! [gets to the floor, but the smaller stalk snaps and the taller stalk holding up the "Clubhouse" flings back very fast and the "Clubhouse" flies off it with all three still inside, then starts screaming]
  • Nancy: Whoa!
  • Frank: Make a wish, honey.
  • [Squidward continues screaming. The "Clubhouse" falls into the Kelp Forest of seaweed.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [victory screech]
  • Squidward: Oh, no! That didn't just happen! Please tell me that didn't happen!
  • Patrick: What happened?
  • [SpongeBob shrugs. Squidward runs around the "Clubhouse"]
  • Squidward: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward who starts crying.]
  • Squidward: Oh, why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery?! Why?!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid, it could be worse.
  • Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.
  • [The camera cuts to Squidward's big-nosed and bald head, which deflates.]
  • Squidward: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]
  • SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward!
  • Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?
  • SpongeBob: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [they do the victory screech again]
  • SpongeBob: And besides, we have this! [pulls out a conch shell]
  • Squidward: What's that?
  • Patrick: Oh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something, ask it something!
  • SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]
  • Magic Conch: Maybe, someday.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling] Ooh!
  • Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possibly help us?!
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch! The club always takes its advice before we do anything!
  • Patrick: The shell knows all!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch Shell. What do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]
  • Magic Conch: Nothing.
  • Patrick: The shell has spoken!
  • Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting down doing nothing]
  • Squidward: [growls] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]
  • Squidward: [growls again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! [starts walking away in the Kelp Forest] But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down! Sad clowns... [laughs] sad... [laughs again] clowns. [laughs again. Later, he begins to run fast and grows scared and starts panting rapidly] What was that?! I was already here! Which way do I go?! Oh, I'm lost! [trips and falls] Oh... I'm hopelessly lost! I'll never get out of here! [sees light] Huh? [laughing. He goes toward the light] I'm free! Take that, SpongeBob and Patrick! [pumps fists in the air and starts laughing triumphantly but sees SpongeBob and Patrick] Huh? Oh... [falls on the ground] There's no way out of here. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick still doing nothing. A stick is thrown at Patrick's head. Squidward is putting a pan over a fire] How's it going over there at Club Shell-for-Brains? Mmm-mmm-mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club Squidward tonight? [spots a bug running around so he steps on it] Ah... [puts the bug on the pan and walks over to SpongeBob and waves the pan over his nose] Doesn't that smell good, SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days. [walks over to Patrick] How about you, Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. [walks away from Patrick] And do you know why, SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell! [shakes his butt in SpongeBob's face] If you had listened to me, you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listened to a talking clam... [moves back to Club Squidward] that tells you nothing! [stirs the pan] As if the answers to all your problems will fall right out of the sky! [laughs] Fall right out of the sky! [camera switches to an airplane falling out of the sky]
  • Scooter: Dude, we're falling right out of the sky! We gotta drop the load! [presses the "Drop the Load" button. The airplane drops picnic supplies to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch! [victory screech. Squidward stares shockingly. The bug gets up, hits him with the stick, and runs off. SpongeBob and Patrick eat. SpongeBob eats two hamburgers. Patrick eating a whole turkey in one bite. Now, when SpongeBob and Patrick are drinking, SpongeBob is drinking a can of soda and Patrick is drinking a bottle of ketchup. They laugh and Squidward goes to them]
  • Squidward: Uh, hey, uh, SpongeBob... that sure is a lot of food you got there.
  • SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch.
  • Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious! [gasps] Oh! Smoked sausages, my favorite! [smells them but Patrick sucks them in and Squidward's nose too. He pulls his nose out] Uh, hey, uh, [laughs] SpongeBob, I... you know, I was just kidding around earlier and I mean, I'm... I'm still part of the club, right? And... and-and-and-and after all, the club's gotta stick together, and I mean... you know, I, um... [stammers; While he is saying all this, SpongeBob is eating a cookie and is drinking a glass of orange juice]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward?
  • Squidward: Um... uh... yeah?
  • SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! [victory screech]
  • Squidward: Uh, yeah. [mimics the victory screech, weakly] Now, uh, if you'll excuse me... [runs to the table with all the food] What shall I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
  • SpongeBob: Why don't you ask... the Magic Conch, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
  • [Squidward prepares to eat but SpongeBob and Patrick pull the table away and block it.]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet! This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization!
  • Patrick: [whispering] Maybe he's not a brother.
  • [SpongeBob looks at Squidward wide-eyed.]
  • Squidward: [chuckles] Hey, you guys have it all wrong. I love this, uh, piece of plastic. [takes the Magic Conch from SpongeBob] Uh, hello there. Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
  • Magic Conch: Neither.
  • Squidward: Oh, then how about the soup?
  • Magic Conch: I don't think so.
  • Squidward: [becomes annoyed] Could I have anything to eat?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: No?! What do you mean no?! I'm starving here!
  • Patrick: [takes the Magic Conch] Here, let me try! Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Patrick: Hmm... [happily] Could I have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
  • Magic Conch: Yes.
  • Patrick: All right! [vacuums in the sandwich and burps] Sorry, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Give me that! [grabs the Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?!
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Could I have something to eat?!
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Could I have something to eat?!
  • Magic Conch: No.
  • Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?!
  • Magic Conch: Try asking again.
  • Squidward: [asks excitedly with a hopeful grin on his face] Can I have something to eat?
  • Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic tone] No!
  • [Squidward grits his teeth and grows enraged, stammering out of control.]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, are you all right?
  • [Squidward shakes his head uncontrollably.]
  • Patrick: Maybe we should ask the shell if he's okay.
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: [offscreen] Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Hello?! [reveals himself after he cuts through the kelp with a machete, then gasps and sees SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward dirty] Do you folks need some help?
  • Squidward: [gasps] I'm saved! [runs over to the forest ranger] You don't know how happy I am to see you! I have been stranded out here for weeks with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: Magic... Conch Shell? [pulls out a Magic Conch Shell] You mean like this? [says this while cross-eyed and having two big teeth]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [jump but they stop in midair] The Magic Conch! A club member!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: [victory screech]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [victory screech]
  • Squidward: [dumbstruck] Abra.
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: My conch told me to come save you guys!
  • SpongeBob, Patrick and Kelp Forest Ranger: Hooray for the magic conches!
  • Kelp Forest Ranger: [we see Squidward in the background looking unhappy] All right, Magic Conch... what do we do now?
  • Magic Conch: Nothing.
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, and Kelp Forest Ranger: All hail the Magic Conch! [sit down doing nothing, while Squidward, still dumbstruck, moves in between them]
  • Squidward: All hail the Magic Conch! [sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Kelp Forest Ranger]
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