Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. [The exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears. Inside, Patchy is wrapping presents]
Patchy: [to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. [he notices he's on air] Oh! Hi. [he waves] I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club! [He notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye. He switches his patch over to the other eye] Hey, that's better! [Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in]
Potty:[squawk] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. [he limps over to the fireplace] And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. [he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge] Why, I'll bet old SpongeBob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! [He picks up a picture of SpongeBob. Cut to SpongeBob, holding a remote]
SpongeBob: I sure am! [He presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters] I'm ready! [Patchy laughs]
Patchy: Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. [he puts down Sponge's picture] And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. [He picks up a picture of Patrick. Cut to Patrick standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zoom out to reveal a single Xmas ball hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground, and Patrick does as well. Now, Patchy is mixing cookie dough] I too am also preparing for Christmas. [he lifts up the mixer] Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! [he takes a lick] Mmm...
Patchy: Back off, you flying freak! [Potty flies on the counter]
Potty:[squawk] Clarify please.
Patchy:[the cookies are shaped like SpongeBob and Patrick] This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots. [Cut to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Patchy looks out the window] What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
Potty:[squawk] Man overboard? [Patchy walks over to a desk]
Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. [he sits down] No, it means it's time to open fan letters! [Potty flies over with a letter in his beak]
Potty:[squawk] Here you go! [Patchy tugs at it]
Patchy: Thank you, Potty. [Potty's not letting go] Yeah. Okay Potty, thank you! [Potty squawks, still not letting go] Come on, give it, you birdbrain! [Potty squawks some more] Quiet, infernal bird! [He uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's rope. Potty squawks and falls to the ground. Patchy nods] Hmm. [he sits back down] This letter comes to us from...
Fish Head:[as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over the place. He pulls up his eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up]
Patchy: And he writes, "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."
Fish Head:[as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy gets up and takes off his glasses. Now his eye patch is back on]
Patchy: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.
Potty:[squawk] They didn't?
Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. [He pulls down Potty's strings. Potty, as well as its puppeteer, falls to the ground. Patchy hangs a homemade Sponge ornament on a Xmas tree. Zoom out, showing the entire X-mas tree, which is decorated with many similar Sponge, as well as ornaments featuring Pat and Squid, and a few gift boxes] There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. [he snaps his fingers] Hey! Who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob's very first Christmas? [Cut to Potty, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Patchy turns around] Potty?! [he sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise] You ate all me cookie dough! [we see Potty is now incredibly fat. The whole lower half of his body, along with their strings, falls off, leaving only his head]
Potty: Squ-ouch! [Patchy shrugs]
Patchy: Oh well! On with the show!
[We see Sponge waiting on a hill near Sandy's treedome]
SpongeBob:[laughs] Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Sandy with a super sneaky karate move. [practices karate]
SpongeBob: What diabolical act is she committing now? [Sandy plugs in Christmas lights] Fire! Don't worry, Sandy, I'm coming! Stand back, Sandy, fire! [instead of throwing water on tree, throws it on Sandy] Huh? So I guess there's no fire?
Sandy: What in the name of the Alamo is wrong with you, SpongeBob? Ain't you never seen a Christmas tree before?
SpongeBob: Christmas who?
Sandy: What?! Y'all never heard of Christmas?
SpongeBob: Is she a friend from Texas?
Sandy:[laughs] No. I can't believe you haven't heard of... [makes an adorable face] ...Christmas.
SpongeBob: Tell me more about this... [imitates Sandy] ..."Christmas".
Patchy: And so, Sandy wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, she told of the one they call, Santa Claus.
[At Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake.
SpongeBob: But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you.
Patrick: Just like a genie. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: I dunno about you, lubbers, but any fella who's giving away free stuff, is a friend o' mine.
SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Mr. Krabs. [grabs a piece of paper] Here you go! You can get started on your letter.
Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie. (Laughs)
Mr. Krabs: Pipe down, Squidward. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Santa Claus.
Squidward: Oh, brother.
SpongeBob: Okay, who's next?
Patrick: Ooh, ooh, me, me!
SpongeBob: Here you go, Patrick.
Patrick: There's no words on this paper.
SpongeBob: Not yet.
Patrick: Yippee! A writing stick.
SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. Write a letter.
Squidward: SpongeBob, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. [Patrick's letter tears in half]
Patrick: SpongeBob, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?
SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Squid... [Patrick rips his again] ...ward.
Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob... [hands him another piece] Thanks. [sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil] Dear Sant... [paper rips] D'oh! Not again.
SpongeBob: Here, Patrick, watch me. Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk here in Bikini Bottom. That is my wish. [puts the letter in a bottle] Patrick, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole!
[bottle shoots up to the surface]
Patrick: Santa! Haha. Where's Santa?
SpongeBob: Santa doesn't come till Christmas Eve.
Mr. Krabs: Okay boy, my demands, uhh, I mean, my letter, is ready to go.
SpongeBob: Great, Mr. Krabs. What did you wish for?
Mr. Krabs: A pony.
Mr. Krabs: With saddle bags full of money! [shoots a bottle up to the surface]
Patrick: Here you go, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: What did you wish for, Patrick?
Patrick: Another piece of paper. [bottle shoots up to the surface]
SpongeBob: And what did you wish for, little girl?
Susie: Front teeth.
Cowboy: I could use a new hat.
Jennifer-Millie: I need a new hairstyle.
Lonnie: How about a glass of water for my teeth.
[lots of bottles get shot up to the surface]
Squidward: Excuse me, coming through, out of the way.
SpongeBob: Great, Squidward, you finished. What's your wish?
Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Okay, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival.
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal, average, everyday.♪
Squidward: ♪Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me!?♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪The world feels like it's in loverly!♪
Squidward: ♪Go away before I harm you bodily!♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow! Hey, Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe?♪
Squidward: ♪What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go!♪
Plankton: ♪People seem a little more brotherly!♪
Mr. Krabs: ♪Here's a special something to you from me!♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!♪
Squidward: ♪What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy!?♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Step outside, we've got something for you to see!♪
Squidward: ♪SpongeBob, take this stuff down immediately!♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree!♪
Citizens: ♪Tonight things are as good as they seem to be!♪
Patrick: ♪A star on top will complete all the scenery!♪
Citizens: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!♪
Patchy: Is Squidward right? Can there be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! [shaking, putting his hand and hook upon his ears. later] It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! So, SpongeBob was sending the last of the letters to Santa...
Martin: I hope he can read Portuguese.
SpongeBob: Ahh, that's the last letter. Huh? Wait! Squidward hasn't written his letter yet! [runs to Squidward with a pencil, bottles, and paper in hand] Squidward! Hurry! Squidward, Squidward! Hurry! [runs into Squidward's house and upstairs to have him write his letter]
Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I'll help you get started. [writes letter for Squidward] Dear Santa Claus...
Squidward: SpongeBob, forget it.
SpongeBob: Right, too formal. Hi Santa...
Squidward: SpongeBob, no.
SpongeBob: Howdy, Claus?
Squidward:[pushes SpongeBob out his door] I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination.
SpongeBob: But, Squidward, when Santa comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.
Squidward: SpongeBob, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Santa Claus!
SpongeBob: C’mon, Squid, all you have to do is write a letter. What have you got to lose?
Squidward: My self-respect. My sanity. My lunch. [closes door]
SpongeBob: Squidward, c'mon. [everyone tries to get Squidward outside]
Citizens: C’mon, Squidward. Don't be a party pooper. C'mon out.
Squidward:[pokes his head out his window] Santa Claus is a big phony! SpongeBob has got you all fooled.
SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. C'mon! [closes window and gets in bed]
Squidward: Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full night’s sleep. [tries to sleep but the singing outside wakes him up]
SpongeBob: Uh, he should be here any minute. ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪
Citizens: Oh, c'mon. Enough of this. [everyone argues]
Fred: Thanks for the lies, Mr. Fairytale! Let's go waste our time somewhere else.
SpongeBob: Hey, guys, where's your Christmas Spirit? He's just running late.
Patrick: He probably just stopped for a snack! Fat guys get hungry right?
SpongeBob: Yeah! [they wait and wait and then one of the jellyfish jars break on SpongeBob's head]
Patrick: Never trust a genie. [Patrick and a snowman walk away]
Squidward:[alarm goes off] Ahh, morning already? Oh, boy! [speaking in a megaphone] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op. Could you move in a little? Say Santa Claus.
SpongeBob:[very sad face] Santa Claus. [Squidward takes picture]
Squidward: Aww, our first Christmas. This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas. The first Christmas is this Christmas. [donkey appears on screen making noises] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me. [laughing at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: You were right, Squidward. This is a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.
Squidward: What? What's this?
SpongeBob: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... Santa came! "[cries some more]"
Squidward: Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...
SpongeBob: You're welcome. "[sadly walks off and cries]"
Squidward: SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. [opens present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and 3 wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk. What have I done to poor SpongeBob? Uh, hey, SpongeBob? I... SpongeBob? [SpongeBob is on a ladder trying to get his lights down]
SpongeBob: I guess I won't be needing this. [slides down with the lights in hand] That's better. [a gray cloud comes and rains on SpongeBob]
Squidward: Poor little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.
SpongeBob: I better get this stuff off of Squid's house.
Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
SpongeBob: Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?
Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
SpongeBob: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh?
Squidward: Up here you dunce. [looks like Santa Claus] I mean, uh, Merry Christmas little boy.
SpongeBob:[gasps] C-c-could it be?
Squidward: Yes, it is I, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho... [slips off the roof and hits the ground]
SpongeBob: Hey, you're S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...
Squidward: Hey, uh, kid, take it easy.
SpongeBob: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... ta... [faints]
Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? SpongeBob?!
Squidward: Don't do that again.
SpongeBob: I knew you'd make it, Santa. Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly.
Squidward: Well, that, um, is a result of, uh, undersea pressure on my body.
SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?
Squidward: Uhh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.
SpongeBob: And what about that nose? [pokes his nose and laughs] I knew you were suppose to have a big one but, that things gigantic. [laughs]
Squidward: Alright! I'm Santa.
SpongeBob:[glues a jump onto Santa] Santa! This is the greatest you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob; you did.
SpongeBob: I did? [faints and falls on Gary's shell]
Squidward: Oh, well, uhh, you see, I'm not really...
SpongeBob:[laughs] Go ahead, Santa Claus. See, he is real. He made my Christmas wish come true, he won't let you down.
Squidward: Uhh, right, just a second. [searches in his house for stuff] C'mon, let's see. What do little girls like? A box of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? There's got to be something around here. Think. Think. Think. Ha! Perfect! [hands the little girl a wrench] There you go, little girl! Ho, ho, ho!
Shelly: Thanks, Santa. [scratches the wrench like it was a puppy]
Squidward: That almost felt good. [Squidward then notices a long line of citizens waiting for presents] I didn't... who?
Fred: Hey, Santa, where's my present?
Old Man Jenkins: And mine!
Abigail-Marge: And what about me?
Squidward: Uhh... let's see what Santa has for all you good people. [searches for stuff in his house] Think fast, Santa. Gifts for good people. A-ha! A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.
Jennifer-Millie: Thank you, Santa. This is just what I wanted. [puts bowl on her head] A new hairstyle.
Squidward: [gives the little girl two forks and gives Patrick a clock] Here you go, Patrick.
Patrick: Wow. [punches a hole through the clock] A wrist watch.
Squidward: [gets everything else in his house to the citizens] What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just 'cause SpongeBob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? [SpongeBob knocks on the door] You might as well take the door. It's all that's left.
SpongeBob: Squidward! You missed him! He was here just like I said! He gave us all presents. He was jolly and he had a beard. His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks. He was friendly and kind. [turns SpongeBob towards the door and pushes him so he walks] And Santa is... oh, his belly was small but his nose was huge with Christmas joy. He was so nice Squidward...
Squidward: Well, at least it's over. [notices a bottle with a letter in it on the ground] Huh? What's this?
Santa: Dear Squidward, thanks for all your help! You've been a real good boy this year. Warm regards, Santa Claus. [letter disappears into thin air] Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! [in his sleigh flying] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. [does a crazy dance while saying his "ho ho ho"]
Squidward: Yup, I'm insane. [plays his wooden clarinet in the ending tone of the episode]
Santa: Merry Christmas! [back at Patchy's house, a sailboat with a homemade Sponge and Pat moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it]
Patchy: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee. [in Sponge's voice] Ahoy, Patrick! It's Christmas Island! [in Pat's voice] Presents, ahoy! [in Sponge's voice] Hooray! [he starts making storm sound effects] Oh, a storm! [in Pat's voice] Yay! I mean yikes! [he makes more sound effects and begins speaking in his own voice] Oh, we're going down! [He keeps making noises. Zoom out to show the boat is on Patchy's head] Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! [he screams]
Man on Set:[off-screen] Patchy!
Patchy: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that SpongeBob makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed SpongeBob's Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. [He takes the boat off his head. Potty flies out, and there is a nest was under him, and in it are a few eggs wrapped in bows. Patchy picks one up] Aw... Potty left me a little Christmas present. [He laughs. Then he goes over to the mistletoe] Arr, ye old mistletoe. And you know what that means. [he sprays breath freshener in his mouth] Ah, time for somebody to kiss Patchy the Pirate! [he makes kissing noises] Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! [He laughs. Potty flies over and squawks. Patchy screams]
Potty: Give us a kiss! [Patchy goes to avoid him]
Patchy: No! No, not you! [Potty keeps flying around squawking] No, not you Potty! Get out of here! No, Potty! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this! Potty! No!
Potty: Kissy, kissy!
Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night, and happy holidays.
[the words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen]