Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Choir Boys" from season 6, which aired on March 20, 2009.

  • [The episode begins with a long shot of Squidward's house, while an excerpt of "Largo Al Factotum" from "The Barber of Seville" plays. Cut to the outside of Squidward's house, the camera then cuts to the blue sign on Squidward's bathroom door that says "Squidward's bathroom; DO NOT ENTER." Then pans down to another sign below it that says "unless you are SQUIDWARD." Cut to the inside of Squidward's bathroom. A silhouette of Squidward is seen in the shower curtain. Squidward takes a shallow breath]
  • Squidward: [off-key] ♪Fi-ga-ro. Figaro!♪ [pauses, then stretches his arms wide] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [the scene cuts to the outside] ♪Fi-ga-ro! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro!♪ [the scene cuts back inside] ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [he then coughs, turns the water off, and steps out of the shower. Cut to the toilet paper and the toilet. The toilet frowns and groans in despair. Cut to the toilet paper]
  • Toilet paper: Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.
  • Squidward: ♪La la la la la la la!♪ [puts on a robe and scarf in front of the mirror and grabs a photo of the Men's Chorus] I am anxious to look good and make a strong first impression, as I share to my singing skills with the famed Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus. ♪La, la-la-la.♪ But I needn't be too anxious, for once they hear this master's voice, they'll give me the Lead Solo for sure! ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [walks outside and passes SpongeBob laying on the ground] Huh? [walks toward SpongeBob] Well, looks like a forlorn SpongeBob lying sprawled across the dirt.
  • SpongeBob: [sighs loudly]
  • Squidward: [looks at camera] Obviously depressed... [smiles] Oh, what a lovely day! For me! [laughs until SpongeBob grabs one of his legs] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? My playmate, Patrick is away, at a family reunion. Sad and alone, I am desperate for something to do, or someone to play with. [Coughs]
  • [cuts to Squidward's face, then his legs. removes SpongeBob's hand from his leg]
  • Squidward: Well, I have no time for the likes of you.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? Where are you going, all dressed up?
  • Squidward: None of your business!
  • SpongeBob: Can I come?
  • Squidward: And no you can't.
  • SpongeBob: Are you going to a fancy store?
  • Squidward: No.
  • SpongeBob: A fancy party?
  • Squidward: No.
  • SpongeBob: A hot fancy pants date?
  • Squidward: No!
  • SpongeBob: Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Does that answer your questions?
  • SpongeBob: [counts with his fingers] All except for that last one.
  • Squidward: [aggravated, then yells loudly] No, you can't! [sweating and pants] If you must know, I will be a feature solo for an impending concert performance with the Bikini Bottom's Men's Choir. I'm hitting the big time, not playtime. Now if you'll excuse me. [walks away]
  • SpongeBob: Wow.
  • Squidward: [putting on his glasses and helmet until SpongeBob appears. He looks at him]
  • SpongeBob: I may not be as good as you and your buddies, Squidward, but I too have a song in my heart I want to share. [clears his throat loudly] ♪Laaaaaa.♪ [Squidward pedals away, leaving dust behind. SpongeBob coughs, hears a honk, then notices Squidward pedaling away]
  • Squidward: [honking the horn] Au revoir, SpongeBob! See you in nose-bleed seats! [laughs and rides away on three road bumps. He then starts singing]
  • SpongeBob: [in unison with Squidward, riding on a unicycle] ♪La! La! La! La! La! La!.♪
  • Squidward: Huh?!
  • SpongeBob: [starts yodeling, then stops] I'm good enough to join the Men's Chorus. I promise!
  • Squidward: Yuck! [rides away]
  • SpongeBob: Perhaps Squidward didn't see me.
  • Squidward: ♪Fi-Ga-Ro♪ [clearing throat] ♪Fi-Ga-Ro!♪
  • SpongeBob: [digs out of the ground with a shovel] This giant pothole ought to get his attention.
  • Squidward: Fi-Ga-! [the bike crashes into the pothole, causing him to be flung into Jellyfish Fields]
  • Jellyfish: [gathered together in one spot, until they notice Squidward] Oh! [quickly flies out of the way]
  • Squidward: [while jellyfish are approaching him] Ah, I think I hit the wrong note back there. [notices the jellyfish] What the?
  • SpongeBob: What a lucky break! [approaches next to Squidward, who is now completely covered by jellyfish] Now I have a captive audience!
  • [Squidward gets stung by the jellyfish and screams while SpongeBob clears his throat]
  • SpongeBob: Laaaaa [Squidward gets stung again] Mimimimimi [Squidward gets stung while SpongeBob clears his throat] Looo! [Squidward is heard screaming] Um, Squidward, could you keep it down please? I'm trying to find my starting pitch here. Laaa! [Squidward gets stung]
  • [Bubble wipe to Squidward on a bike, covered in stings]
  • Squidward: If that rank amateur SpongeBob embarrasses me in front of the Bikini Bottom Choir Men, my life is ruined!
  • Squidward: [looks at his watch] Oh! I'm almost late for Choir Practice! Better not run into SpongeBob again or I'm doomed!
  • Squidward: [takes a turn next to a large field of grass, then starts pedaling into it. He gets out and laughs] igaro! Figaro-Figaro-Figa-roooo!
  • SpongeBob: [steps out of the grasses in a policeman's hat and mustache] Stop! Stop Stop!
  • Squidward: [notices SpongeBob, screams then comes to a screeching halt]
  • SpongeBob: I here by issue you with this ticket, for reckless frowning, and failing to listen to my song!
  • Squidward: Your song? What are you, some kind of...
  • SpongeBob: That's right! I'm a singing traffic cop!
  • Squidward: A singing traffic ...
  • SpongeBob: ♪O Sole Lo Mio...♪
  • Squidward: [rips off SpongeBob's fake mustache] SpongeBob, I will be late to practice with all of your tomfoolery slowing me down! [grabs the ticket and rips it up] It is a high honor to be chosen for the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus, and you are not going to keep me from performing my Grand Solo!
  • Squidward: [ties SpongeBob to some coral, using kelp, then rides away]
  • Squidward: ♪Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Fi-ga-ro!♪
  • SpongeBob: ♪Fii-gaa-roo♪ [Everything starts rumbling. The kelp breaks off SpongeBob as he stops singing, but an echo is heard. The scene cuts to Jellyfish Fields, and the camera pans to a couple of jellyfish. They hear his singing and follow the source. SpongeBob falls to the ground, and the jellyfish come while buzzing excitedly and pick him up to the choir.]
  • SpongeBob: [holding note while being travelled down the road by jellyfish, in a beam of sunlight]
  • [The scene cuts to Squidward arriving at the choir]
  • Squidward: [reads the time in his watch] Just in time! [walks inside and stands next to some choir men] Gentlemen.
  • [An old woman plays piano music]
  • Chorus: Laaaaaa!
  • Squidward: [loudly clears throat, interrupting chorus, clears throat for a while, which eventually dies down until he finally takes out and uses breath spray, and turns to page with music. The woman restarts playing the music.]
  • Choir: Oooh!
  • Squidward: [joins in, albeit off-key. SpongeBob is heard singing off-screen and he looks confused]
  • SpongeBob: [comes in door, bathed in sunlight] La! [holds note as the jellyfish bring him down] Figaro, Figaro, Fi-ga-ro! [holding note]
  • Choir man: It's so beautiful!
  • SpongeBob: ♪Laa, oh, oh!♪ [holding note]
  • Second choir man: That's the most wonderful singing I've heard! [sobs]
  • Choir: [cheers]
  • Jellyfish: [cheer as they clap and buzz excitedly]
  • Old Pianist: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [throws a flower at SpongeBob]
  • [As the flower is thrown to him, confetti falls atop SpongeBob, the choir men are still clapping and cheering while Squidward is not]
  • Third choir man: Yo, master SquarePants, we'd be honored if you'd the open chair, as our featured soloist!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Well... I... [mumbles]
  • Third choir man: We would also be honored, if you'd wear this! [opens platter with a fake mustache inside]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] A mustache?! For me?!
  • Choir Man: Well? Well, don't be shy! Put it on!
  • SpongeBob: [puts mustache on] Squidward look! [points at mustache] My very own choirman's mustache! [Squidward sighs in disappointment]
  • Choir Man: Well, will you do it?
  • SpongeBob: Uhm... [thinks while music similar to Jeopardy's think music plays] I'll do it! But only if you find a spot for my inspiration, and great friend, Squidward!
  • Squidward: [face lights up happy]
  • Choir Man: Deal!
  • [cut to concert]
  • SpongeBob: ♪Fi-ga-ro!♪ [points and winks at Squidward to turn last page of music sheet] Fi-ga-ro. [Everyone applauds]
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