Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
Register
Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
No edit summary
No edit summary
Tag: sourceedit
(38 intermediate revisions by 23 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{CTranscript}}
+
{{EpisodeTr/52a}}
(SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)
+
{{L|''[SpongeBob is sitting inside of his mailbox humming. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox]''}}
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|HI, MAILMAN!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[The mailman yells in fear, and runs off]''}}
SpongeBob: Run away! Its the mail burglar!
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|OK, ''[gets out of the mailbox]'' see you tomorrow!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick walks up]''}}
(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's see... ''[Looks through the mail]'' Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!}}
SpongeBob: O.K, see you tomorrow!
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob looks at the magazine]''}}
 
(SpongeBob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.)
+
{{L|SpongeBob|That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.}}
  +
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|''[They look inside the magazine]'' WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!}}
Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
 
  +
{{L|''[A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown]''}}
 
SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Hey! A magazine!
+
{{L|SpongeBob|This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!}}
  +
{{L|''[A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Points at the man's feet]'' This guy's got shoes!}}
(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)
 
  +
{{L|Squidward|Give me that! ''[Takes the magazine]'' Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?}}
SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Fucking Digest.
 
  +
{{L|Squidward|They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|What kind of things?}}
SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
 
  +
{{L|Squidward|How should I know? Things people wanna buy! ''[walks off]'' Now keep your paws off my mail.}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!}}
SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of fucking!
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Is that gonna hurt?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?}}
(A picture of a rich person's cock is shown)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Uh... ''[sweats]'' More time for thinking.}}
 
SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a penis in his vagina!
+
{{L|SpongeBob|No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.}}
  +
{{L|Patrick|A chocolate bar?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!}}
(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with nakedd women)
 
  +
{{L|''[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob&Patrick|Fancy living, here we come!Lalalalala}}
Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! ''[He pronounces it "ontre-prenyouers". SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.}}
Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my porn, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, Tom the fish opens the door]''}}
 
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
+
{{L|SpongeBob|Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some ''[holds up chocolate bar]'' chocolate?}}
  +
{{L|Tom|Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Yes sir. With or without nuts?}}
Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
 
  +
{{L|Tom|Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away, and then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming: "CHOCOLAAATE!!!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house]'' O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step! ''[A Con man opens the door]'' Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?}}
SpongeBob: What kind of things?
 
  +
{{L|Con man|Chocolate bars, eh?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!}}
Squidward: Themselves you faggots! (walks off) Now keep your boners off my mail.
 
  +
{{L|Con man|Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants]''}}
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
 
  +
{{L|Con man|No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Oh, most certainly, sir!}}
Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
 
  +
{{L|Con man|Well, ''[chuckles]'' no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! ''[He holds up a bright-orange bag]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Woooooooow... what is it?}}
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
 
  +
{{L|Con man|It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob tries to touch it]''}}
Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for jacking off.
 
  +
{{L|Con man|''[pulls bag away]'' BUT, I'm wasting my time. ''[Walks inside]'' You don't need these bags.}}
 
SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
+
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|We need 'em! We need 'em!}}
  +
{{L|''[The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Con man|So long, boys! Happy hunting! ''[Laughs when the two aren't looking]'' Suckers... ''[walks back inside]''}}
Patrick: You?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|''[singing as they run off]'' Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's try next door!}}
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling semen salesmen!
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Con man|Yes?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?}}
 
  +
{{L|Con man|I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. ''[Holds up two large maroon bags]''}}
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many birth control pills)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|We'll take twenty.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out]''}}
SpongeBob: Fancy fucking, here we cum!
 
  +
{{L|Sadie|Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?}}
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)
+
{{L|SpongeBob|We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?}}
  +
{{L|Sadie|That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|One chocolate bar, coming up!}}
SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to fucking fancy! Just follow my dick.
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Sadie|[Sadie looks at her watch] I don't have time for this.}}
(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)
 
  +
{{L|''[Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice- ''[Sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Tom, still screaming]''}}
SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some Penis?
 
  +
{{L|Tom|CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|-lady. ''[Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming: "CHOCOLAAAATE!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner]'' We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.}}
Tom: Penis? Did you say, ''Penis?!''
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?}}
Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|He said we were mediocre...}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|That's it! He made us feel special!}}
Tom: Penis? Penis?!?!?! '''''peeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnisssssssssss!!!!!'''''
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick runs to the door]''}}
''(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "PENIS!!")''
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|NO, wait Patrick!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick freezes in place]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Why don't we try being nice?}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Oh, okay.}}
(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)
 
  +
{{L|''[Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door]''}}
 
SpongeBob: O.K, the first gay didn't count. This is our REAL first step!
+
{{L|SpongeBob|Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.}}
  +
{{L|''[Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|Hello?}}
(A straight man opens the door.)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|I love you.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming]''}}
SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some penis?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door]''}}
Con man: penis, eh?
 
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|Please, G-Go away.}}
 
SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE semen salesmen!
+
{{L|SpongeBob|Um, ''[clears throat]'' H-H-How you doin'?}}
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|How am I doing?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Wanna buy some chocolate?}}
Con man: Ha! A couple of fag salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|We got him now!}}
 
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, blubber boy?}}
(Patrick is shown holding many pills on his boner)
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick's belly is bubbling]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Hee hee, it tickles!}}
Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be gay salesmen, right?
 
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13]''}}
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
 
  +
{{L|Blue Fish with purple stripes|You can keep that for 5 bucks.}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|I'll take 10!}}
Con man: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting cum salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.}}
SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Huh?}}
Con man: It's a pussy, you cock-head! It's specially designed to cradle each penis in velvet-lined comfort!
 
  +
{{L|''[Far cut]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[raising his fist]'' Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.}}
(SpongeBob tries to touch it)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Removing pictures from his face]'' Huh?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[Holding out his hand]'' Let's shake on it.}}
Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these things.
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Looking at SpongeBob confused]'' Did you say something?}}
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
+
{{L|''[Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view]''}}
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Remember Patrick, focus.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Purple Fish|Yes?}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?}}
(The man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Purple Fish|Why is Tubby here staring at me?}}
Con man: So long, boys! Happy grunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Fuckers... (walks back inside)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick's eyes]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Focusing.}}
SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy fuckin here we come! La la la la, la!
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the inside of the customer's house]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Purple Fish|Back off, Jack!}}
SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
 
  +
{{L|''[The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Moving eyes around]'' Nice place you got in here.}}
(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same man comes out)
 
  +
{{L|''[Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|I can't understand what were doing wrong.}}
Con man: Yes?
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|I can't understand anything}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!}}
SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these pussies?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the sign]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[reading the sign]'' Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.}}
Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented pussy Carrying Pussies. (Holds up two large maroon bags)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|They are most certainly not delicious!}}
Patrick: We'll take twenty-thousand
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[smiling]'' Not the way I use them!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Yet they sell millions of bags a day!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick]''}}
(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two gay young men?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[Happily]'' That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!}}
 
  +
{{L|Tom|CHOCOLATE!!!!!!}}
SpongeBob: We're selling semen. Would you like to buy it?
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!}}
Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds heavenly! I'll take some.
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|The kill!}}
 
SpongeBob: One serving, cumming up!
+
{{L|''[SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers]''}}
  +
{{L|Mary|Yes?}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
(SpongeBob attempts to pull out his penis, but keeps pulling more pussies, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants to get a boner)
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Hello, young lady.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles]''}}
Sadie: I don't have time for this.
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|We're selling chocolate. ''[Getting a closer look at Mary]'' Is your mother home?}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Mary]''}}
(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out his dick)
 
  +
{{L|Mary|Mom!}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|''[Entering from the right side of the house]'' What, what, what's all the yelling?}}
SpongeBob: I... got it! One cock for the nice-
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces. Cut back to Mary's mother]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|You just can't wait for me to die, can you?}}
Tom: PENIS!
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Mary|They're selling chocolate.}}
SpongeBob: bitch...
 
  +
{{L|Mother|Chocolate?}}
 
  +
{{L|Mary|Yeah!}}
(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming '''PENIS!''')
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Mary and Mom]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|What, what are they selling?}}
 
  +
{{L|Mary|Chocolates!}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|What?}}
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a gay bar)
 
  +
{{L|Mary|CHOCOLATES!}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|I can't hear you!}}
SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
 
  +
{{L|Mary|THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|They're selling chocolate?}}
Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
 
  +
{{L|Mary|YEAH!!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling]''}}
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling anal... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those pussies?
 
  +
{{L|Mother|Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut back to view Mary and her mom]''}}
Patrick: He said we were queers...
 
  +
{{L|Mother|I always hated it!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob sweating]''}}
SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick comes from the top left]''}}
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more pussies!
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly]''}}
(Patrick runs to the door)
 
  +
{{L|Mother|Live forever you say? I'll take one. ''[Mary slaps her face. Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|''[From inside house]'' Come on, you lazy Mary! ''[Cut to Mary]'' Start rubbing me with that chocolate!}}
SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!
 
  +
{{L|Mary|''[looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily]'' I hate you. ''[Slams door. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!}}
(Patrick freezes in place)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Raising fist]'' Hooray for lying!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh]''}}
SpongeBob: Why don't we try being straight?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|It'll make your hair grow.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Fred]''}}
Patrick: Oh, okay.
 
  +
{{L|Fred|Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|It'll make you sound smart.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the customer holding money]''}}
(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)
 
  +
{{L|Customer|''[southern accent]'' I'll take 20!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Patrick]''}}
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel NORMAL.
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the two Patricks]''}}
(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)
 
  +
{{L|Patrick 2|Just in time.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over]''}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|They'll make you fly!}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|You'll fall in love!}}
Patrick: I want to stuff your pulsing dick in my tight salivating mouth.
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|They'll bring world peace!}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|You'll walk through walls!}}
(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[ecoing]'' You'll rule the world!!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts. Cut close to Patrick]''}}
SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|This'll be the best lie yet!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob]''}}
(SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door)
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Customer opens door]''}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.
 
  +
{{L|Customer|What can I do for you boys?}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob]''}}
SpongeBob: Um, *clears throat* H-H-How you doin'?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|Really?}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|Small world. What's the matter with you guys?}}
SpongeBob: FUCK ME! FUCK ME!
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[nervously]'' Um, we've got some head trauma and internal bleeding.}}
Patrick: We got him now!
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the customer]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|Well, some guys have all the luck.}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, fags are losers and losers fuck butts. Isn't that right, lover boy?
 
  +
{{L|''[A violin begins]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.}}
(Patrick's cock is hard)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|At night, ''[A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek]'' I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.}}
Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the customer, the wires snap]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|''[About to fall]'' Oh, no...}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and you no longer bang.
 
  +
{{L|''[A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|''[On the last step]'' Ow...}}
(The customer holds up a picture of a gay self at age 13)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Come on, Patrick, let's help him!}}
Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 fucks.
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Careful, put him down gently.}}
Patrick: I'll take 10!
 
  +
{{L|''[Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|''[In pain]'' Ow...!}}
(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?}}
SpongeBob: We haven't sold one fuck. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the customer]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Customer|Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...chocolate bars. ''[gestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]''}}
(Cut to Patrick jacking off at the pictures)
 
  +
{{L|Customer|Such nice boys, ''[far cut to the customer]'' it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his costume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier. Cut to the street]''}}
Patrick: Huh?
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|''[grunting]'' Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face]''}}
(Far cut)
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|''[Walking in from the left]'' I can live with that. ''[Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]''}}
SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Let's change our names to Why and Bother.}}
 
  +
{{L|''[Tom appears behind the box]''}}
Patrick: (Removing pictures from his cock) Huh?<br />
 
  +
{{L|Tom|CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! ''[Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick babble]''}}
SpongeBob: (Holding out his cock) Let's fuck on it.
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Pleaseeee.}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me! ''[Cuts to Tom laughing manically]''}}
Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?
 
  +
{{L|Tom|Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you... ''[turns back to normal]''}} I'd like to buy all your chocolate. ''[Holds up a large amount of cash. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Thank you for your patronage.}}
(Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view)
 
  +
{{L|''[Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?}}
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.}}
(Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the two]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Patrick|But what are we going to spend it on?}}
Purple Fish: Yes?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob thinking. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen. Cut to the inside of the boat]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Squidward|''[Walking in from the left]'' Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.}}
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy me?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the server]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Server|Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.}}
(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his cock going in and out back and forth)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to Squidward shocked]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Squidward|But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?}}
Purple Fish: Why is Perez here jizzing at me?
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to the Server and Squidward]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Server|Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs and their ''[leaning over to Squidward]'' dates.}}
(Cut to Patrick's eyes)
 
  +
{{L|''[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass]''}}
 
  +
{{L|SpongeBob|So, how long have you two ladies known each other?}}
Patrick: Focusing.
 
  +
{{L|''[Pause]''}}
 
  +
{{L|Mother|What? What did he say?}}
(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)
 
  +
[[Category:Episode transcripts]]
 
[[Purple Fish]]: Fuck off, Jagger!
 
 
(The customer slams the door on Patrick's dick, Patrick is heard saying "AWWWWW!" from the other side of the door)
 
 
Patrick: (Moving cock around) Nice.
 
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
 
SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
 
 
Patrick: I can't understand anything.
 
 
SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
 
 
(Cut to the sign)
 
 
Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Pussy Chips, they're delicious.
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
 
 
Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I eat them!
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
 
SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
 
 
(Cut to Patrick)<br />
 
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: (Happily) That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
 
 
Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.) : PENISS'''!!!!!!'''
 
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)
 
 
SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!
 
 
Patrick: The kill!
 
 
(SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers)
 
 
Mary: Yes?
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: Hello, fresh muffin.
 
 
(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)
 
 
SpongeBob: We're selling penis. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother home?
 
 
(Cut to Mary)<br />
 
Mary: Mom!
 
 
Mother: (Entering from the right side of the house) What, what, what's all the yelling?<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces)
 
 
(Cut back to Mary's mother)
 
 
Mother: You just can't wait for me to die so you can get more men, can you?<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
Mary: They're selling penis.
 
 
Mother: Penis?<br />
 
Mary: Yeah!
 
 
(Cut to Mary and Mom)
 
 
Mother: What, what are they selling?<br />
 
Mary: PENIS!
 
 
Mother: What?
 
 
Mary: PENIS'''!'''
 
 
Mother: I can't hear you!
 
 
Mary: '''THEY'RE SELLING PENIS!!'''
 
 
Mother: They're selling penis?
 
 
Mary: '''YEAH!!'''
 
 
(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)
 
 
Mother: Penis. I remember when I lost my virginity. Sweet, sweet penis.
 
 
(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)
 
 
Mother: I always hated it!
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob sweating and fucking Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: Oh, but this penis is not for eating. It's for...
 
 
(Patrick comes from the top left)
 
 
Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you moan forever.
 
 
(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)
 
 
Mother: Moan forever you say? I'll take one. (Mary slaps her face)
 
 
(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)
 
 
Mother (From inside house): Come on, you lazy faggot! (Cut to Mary) Start rubbing me with that penis!
 
 
Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): I hate you. (Slams door)
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy fucking in no time!<br />
 
Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for lying!
 
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)
 
 
SpongeBob: It'll make your dick grow.
 
 
(Cut to Fred)
 
 
Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a cock!
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)<br />
 
SpongeBob: It'll make you sound sensual.
 
 
(Cut to the customer holding money)
 
 
Customer (fat guy): I'll take 20!
 
 
(Cut to Patrick)
 
 
Patrick: It'll keep your ass from looking like your face.
 
 
(Cut to the two Patricks)
 
 
Patrick 2: Just in time.
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)<br />
 
SpongeBob: They'll make you die!
 
 
Patrick: You'll fall in an endless pit!
 
 
SpongeBob: They'll bring world orgies!
 
 
Patrick: You'll walk through FYAH!
 
 
SpongeBob: (ecoing) You'll rule the world!!
 
 
(Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts)
 
 
(Cut close to Patrick)
 
 
Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
 
SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of us!
 
 
(Customer opens door)
 
 
Customer: What can I do for you boys?
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
 
SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a fuck? We need an operation.
 
 
Customer: Really?
 
 
(Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body)
 
 
Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)<br />
 
SpongeBob: (nervously)Um, we've got too hard and have eternal bleeding.
 
 
(Cut to the customer)<br />
 
Customer: Well, some guys have all the fuck.
 
 
(A violin begins)<br />
 
Customer: I was born with glass balls and paper penis. Every morning, I break my cock, and every afternoon, I break my ass.
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to moan)
 
 
Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in agony until my boner explodes and puts me to sleep.
 
 
(Cut to the customer, the cocks snap)
 
 
Customer: (About to fall) Oh, no...
 
 
(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer moans while hitting the steps)
 
 
Customer: (On the last step) Ohhhhh....
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!
 
 
(Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house)
 
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left)
 
 
SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
 
 
(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)
 
 
Customer: (In pain) Ohhhh...!
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
 
SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?
 
 
(Cut to the customer)
 
 
Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...myself.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of condoms)
 
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
 
(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)
 
 
Customer: Such nice boys, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to fuck a couple of gay fuckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
 
 
(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)
 
 
(Cut to the street)<br />
 
SpongeBob (grunting and fucking): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell semen to.
 
 
(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with Patrick flat on his face)
 
 
SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
 
 
Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can live with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's cock and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)
 
 
SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Fuck and You.
 
 
(Tom appears behind the box)
 
 
Tom: '''PENIS!!!!!!!!''' (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)
 
 
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)
 
 
SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't rape me. No no. Pleaseeee.
 
 
Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!
 
 
(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)
 
 
Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your cum! (Holds up a large amount of cash)
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss)
 
 
(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)
 
 
SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
 
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow)
 
 
Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
 
 
(Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out)
 
 
SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
 
 
(Cut to the two)
 
 
Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)
 
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "A Homos Paradise!" on top is seen)
 
 
(Cut to the inside of the boat)
 
 
Squidward (Walking in from the left): Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
 
 
(Cut to the server)
 
 
Server: Sorry, but the whole club has been rented to a private party.
 
 
(Cut to Squidward shocked)
 
 
Squidward: But it's my only night to be gay! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
 
 
(Cut to the Server and Squidward)
 
 
Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepuners and their (leaning over to Squidward) dates.
 
 
(Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass)
 
 
SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
 
 
(Pause)
 
 
Mother: START RUBBING ME WITH THAT PENIS!!!
 
 
(Fade to black)
 
[[Category:Transcripts]]
 

Revision as of 16:43, 25 February 2015

Template:EpisodeTr/52a

  • [SpongeBob is sitting inside of his mailbox humming. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox]
  • SpongeBob: HI, MAILMAN!
  • [The mailman yells in fear, and runs off]
  • SpongeBob: OK, [gets out of the mailbox] see you tomorrow!
  • [Patrick walks up]
  • Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
  • SpongeBob: Let's see... [Looks through the mail] Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!
  • [SpongeBob looks at the magazine]
  • SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [They look inside the magazine] WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
  • SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!
  • [A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown]
  • SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
  • [A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money]
  • Patrick: [Points at the man's feet] This guy's got shoes!
  • Squidward: Give me that! [Takes the magazine] Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
  • SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
  • Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
  • SpongeBob: What kind of things?
  • Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! [walks off] Now keep your paws off my mail.
  • SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
  • Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
  • SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
  • Patrick: Uh... [sweats] More time for thinking.
  • SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
  • Patrick: A chocolate bar?
  • SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars]
  • SpongeBob&Patrick: Fancy living, here we come!Lalalalala
  • Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! [He pronounces it "ontre-prenyouers". SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house]
  • SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.
  • [SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, Tom the fish opens the door]
  • SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some [holds up chocolate bar] chocolate?
  • Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!
  • Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
  • Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away, and then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming: "CHOCOLAAATE!!!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house] O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step! [A Con man opens the door] Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?
  • Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?
  • SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!
  • Con man: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
  • [Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants]
  • Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
  • Con man: Well, [chuckles] no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! [He holds up a bright-orange bag]
  • SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
  • Con man: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!
  • [SpongeBob tries to touch it]
  • Con man: [pulls bag away] BUT, I'm wasting my time. [Walks inside] You don't need these bags.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
  • [The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags]
  • Con man: So long, boys! Happy hunting! [Laughs when the two aren't looking] Suckers... [walks back inside]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing as they run off] Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!
  • SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
  • [SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out]
  • Con man: Yes?
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
  • Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. [Holds up two large maroon bags]
  • Patrick: We'll take twenty.
  • [Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out]
  • Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
  • SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
  • Sadie: That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
  • SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up!
  • [SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]
  • Sadie: [Sadie looks at her watch] I don't have time for this.
  • [Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]
  • SpongeBob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice- [Sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Tom, still screaming]
  • Tom: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!
  • SpongeBob: -lady. [Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming: "CHOCOLAAAATE!". The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner] We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
  • Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
  • SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?
  • Patrick: He said we were mediocre...
  • SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
  • Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!
  • [Patrick runs to the door]
  • SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!
  • [Patrick freezes in place]
  • SpongeBob: Why don't we try being nice?
  • Patrick: Oh, okay.
  • [Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door]
  • SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
  • [Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
  • Patrick: I love you.
  • [A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming]
  • SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.
  • [SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.
  • SpongeBob: Um, [clears throat] H-H-How you doin'?
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
  • SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
  • Patrick: We got him now!
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, blubber boy?
  • [Patrick's belly is bubbling]
  • Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.
  • [The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 bucks.
  • Patrick: I'll take 10!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays]
  • SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
  • [Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures]
  • Patrick: Huh?
  • [Far cut]
  • SpongeBob: [raising his fist] Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
  • Patrick: [Removing pictures from his face] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: [Holding out his hand] Let's shake on it.
  • Patrick: [Looking at SpongeBob confused] Did you say something?
  • [Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view]
  • SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.
  • [Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers]
  • Purple Fish: Yes?
  • SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?
  • [Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth]
  • Purple Fish: Why is Tubby here staring at me?
  • [Cut to Patrick's eyes]
  • Patrick: Focusing.
  • [Cut to the inside of the customer's house]
  • Purple Fish: Back off, Jack!
  • [The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door]
  • Patrick: [Moving eyes around] Nice place you got in here.
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene]
  • SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
  • Patrick: I can't understand anything
  • SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
  • [Cut to the sign]
  • Patrick: [reading the sign] Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
  • Patrick: [smiling] Not the way I use them!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
  • [Cut to Patrick]
  • Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: [Happily] That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
  • Tom: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house]
  • SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!
  • Patrick: The kill!
  • [SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers]
  • Mary: Yes?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, young lady.
  • [SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles]
  • SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. [Getting a closer look at Mary] Is your mother home?
  • [Cut to Mary]
  • Mary: Mom!
  • Mother: [Entering from the right side of the house] What, what, what's all the yelling?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces. Cut back to Mary's mother]
  • Mother: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • Mary: They're selling chocolate.
  • Mother: Chocolate?
  • Mary: Yeah!
  • [Cut to Mary and Mom]
  • Mother: What, what are they selling?
  • Mary: Chocolates!
  • Mother: What?
  • Mary: CHOCOLATES!
  • Mother: I can't hear you!
  • Mary: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!
  • Mother: They're selling chocolate?
  • Mary: YEAH!!
  • [Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling]
  • Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.
  • [Cut back to view Mary and her mom]
  • Mother: I always hated it!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob sweating]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
  • [Patrick comes from the top left]
  • Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.
  • [Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly]
  • Mother: Live forever you say? I'll take one. [Mary slaps her face. Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar]
  • Mother: [From inside house] Come on, you lazy Mary! [Cut to Mary] Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
  • Mary: [looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily] I hate you. [Slams door. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
  • Patrick: [Raising fist] Hooray for lying!
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh]
  • SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.
  • [Cut to Fred]
  • Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time]
  • SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart.
  • [Cut to the customer holding money]
  • Customer: [southern accent] I'll take 20!
  • [Cut to Patrick]
  • Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
  • [Cut to the two Patricks]
  • Patrick 2: Just in time.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over]
  • SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!
  • Patrick: You'll fall in love!
  • SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!
  • Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
  • SpongeBob: [ecoing] You'll rule the world!!
  • [Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts. Cut close to Patrick]
  • Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!
  • [Customer opens door]
  • Customer: What can I do for you boys?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
  • Customer: Really?
  • [Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body]
  • Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned]
  • SpongeBob: [nervously] Um, we've got some head trauma and internal bleeding.
  • [Cut to the customer]
  • Customer: Well, some guys have all the luck.
  • [A violin begins]
  • Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry]
  • Customer: At night, [A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek] I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
  • [Cut to the customer, the wires snap]
  • Customer: [About to fall] Oh, no...
  • [A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps]
  • Customer: [On the last step] Ow...
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!
  • [Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left]
  • SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
  • [Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer]
  • Customer: [In pain] Ow...!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?
  • [Cut to the customer]
  • Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...chocolate bars. [gestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
  • Customer: Such nice boys, [far cut to the customer] it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
  • [Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his costume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier. Cut to the street]
  • SpongeBob: [grunting] Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.
  • [SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face]
  • SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
  • Patrick: [Walking in from the left] I can live with that. [Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]
  • SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother.
  • [Tom appears behind the box]
  • Tom: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! [Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick babble]
  • SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Pleaseeee.
  • Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me! [Cuts to Tom laughing manically]
  • Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you... [turns back to normal] I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [Holds up a large amount of cash. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt]}}
  • SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow]
  • Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
  • [Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out]
  • SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
  • [Cut to the two]
  • Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob thinking. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen. Cut to the inside of the boat]
  • Squidward: [Walking in from the left] Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
  • [Cut to the server]
  • Server: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.
  • [Cut to Squidward shocked]
  • Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
  • [Cut to the Server and Squidward]
  • Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs and their [leaning over to Squidward] dates.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass]
  • SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
  • [Pause]
  • Mother: What? What did he say?