Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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(undo last two edits by 24.13.192.110: profanity and inappropriate language)
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(SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)
 
(SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)
   
SpongeBob: Run away! Its the mail burglar!
+
SpongeBob: Hi Mailman!
   
 
(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)
 
(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)
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Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
 
Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
   
SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Hey! A magazine!
+
SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!
   
 
(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)
 
(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)
   
SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Fucking Digest.
+
SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.
   
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!
   
SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of fucking!
+
SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!
   
(A picture of a rich person's cock is shown)
+
(A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown)
   
SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a penis in his vagina!
+
SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
   
(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with nakedd women)
+
(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money)
   
 
Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!
 
Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!
   
Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my porn, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
+
Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
   
 
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
 
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
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SpongeBob: What kind of things?
 
SpongeBob: What kind of things?
   
Squidward: Themselves you faggots! (walks off) Now keep your boners off my mail.
+
Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! (walks off) Now keep your paws off my mail.
   
 
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
 
SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
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SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
 
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
   
Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for jacking off.
+
Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for thinking.
   
 
SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
 
SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
   
Patrick: You?
+
Patrick: A chocolate bar?
   
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling semen salesmen!
+
SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!
   
   
   
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many birth control pills)
+
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars)
   
SpongeBob: Fancy fucking, here we cum!
+
SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!
  +
  +
Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! (He pronounces it "ontre-prenyouers")
   
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)
   
SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to fucking fancy! Just follow my dick.
+
SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.
   
 
(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)
 
(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)
   
SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some Penis?
+
SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some (holds up chocolate bar) chocolate?
   
Tom: Penis? Did you say, ''Penis?!''
+
Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, ''Chocolate?!''
   
 
Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
 
Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
   
Tom: Penis? Penis?!?!?! '''''peeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnisssssssssss!!!!!'''''
+
Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! '''''CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!''''' '''''CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!'''''
   
''(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "PENIS!!")''
+
''(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "CHOCOLAAATE!!!")''
   
   
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(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)
 
(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)
   
SpongeBob: O.K, the first gay didn't count. This is our REAL first step!
+
SpongeBob: O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step!
   
(A straight man opens the door.)
+
(A Con man opens the door.)
   
SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some penis?
+
SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?
   
Con man: penis, eh?
+
Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?
   
SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE semen salesmen!
+
SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!
   
Con man: Ha! A couple of fag salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
+
Con man: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
   
(Patrick is shown holding many pills on his boner)
+
(Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants)
   
Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be gay salesmen, right?
+
Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?
   
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
   
Con man: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting cum salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)
+
Con man: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)
   
 
SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
 
SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
   
Con man: It's a pussy, you cock-head! It's specially designed to cradle each penis in velvet-lined comfort!
+
Con man: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!
   
 
(SpongeBob tries to touch it)
 
(SpongeBob tries to touch it)
   
Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these things.
+
Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these bags.
   
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
 
SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
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(The man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)
+
(The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)
   
Con man: So long, boys! Happy grunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Fuckers... (walks back inside)
+
Con man: So long, boys! Happy hunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Suckers... (walks back inside)
   
SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy fuckin here we come! La la la la, la!
+
SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!
   
 
SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
 
SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
   
(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same man comes out)
+
(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out)
   
 
Con man: Yes?
 
Con man: Yes?
   
SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these pussies?
+
SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
   
Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented pussy Carrying Pussies. (Holds up two large maroon bags)
+
Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. (Holds up two large maroon bags)
   
Patrick: We'll take twenty-thousand
+
Patrick: We'll take twenty.
   
   
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(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)
 
(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)
   
Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two gay young men?
+
Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
   
SpongeBob: We're selling semen. Would you like to buy it?
+
SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
   
Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds heavenly! I'll take some.
+
Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
   
SpongeBob: One serving, cumming up!
+
SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up!
   
(SpongeBob attempts to pull out his penis, but keeps pulling more pussies, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants to get a boner)
+
(SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants)
   
 
Sadie: I don't have time for this.
 
Sadie: I don't have time for this.
   
(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out his dick)
+
(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar)
   
SpongeBob: I... got it! One cock for the nice-
+
SpongeBob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice-
   
  +
Tom: '''CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!'''
Tom: PENIS!
 
   
SpongeBob: bitch...
+
SpongeBob: -lady.
   
(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming '''PENIS!''')
+
(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming '''CHOCOLAAAATE!''')
   
   
   
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a gay bar)
+
(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner)
   
 
SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
 
SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
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Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
 
Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
   
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling anal... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those pussies?
+
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?
   
Patrick: He said we were queers...
+
Patrick: He said we were mediocre...
   
 
SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
 
SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
   
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more pussies!
+
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!
   
 
(Patrick runs to the door)
 
(Patrick runs to the door)
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(Patrick freezes in place)
 
(Patrick freezes in place)
   
SpongeBob: Why don't we try being straight?
+
SpongeBob: Why don't we try being nice?
   
 
Patrick: Oh, okay.
 
Patrick: Oh, okay.
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(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)
 
(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)
   
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel NORMAL.
+
SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
   
 
(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)
 
(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)
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Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
 
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
   
  +
Patrick: I love you.
Patrick: I want to stuff your pulsing dick in my tight salivating mouth.
 
   
 
(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)
 
(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)
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Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
 
Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
   
SpongeBob: FUCK ME! FUCK ME!
+
SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
   
 
Patrick: We got him now!
 
Patrick: We got him now!
   
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, fags are losers and losers fuck butts. Isn't that right, lover boy?
+
Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?
   
(Patrick's cock is hard)
+
(Patrick's belly is bubbling)
   
 
Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
 
Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
   
Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and you no longer bang.
+
Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.
   
(The customer holds up a picture of a gay self at age 13)
+
(The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13)
   
Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 fucks.
+
Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 bucks.
   
 
Patrick: I'll take 10!
 
Patrick: I'll take 10!
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(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)
   
SpongeBob: We haven't sold one fuck. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
+
SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
   
(Cut to Patrick jacking off at the pictures)
+
(Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures)
   
 
Patrick: Huh?
 
Patrick: Huh?
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SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
 
SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
   
Patrick: (Removing pictures from his cock) Huh?<br />
+
Patrick: (Removing pictures from his face) Huh?<br />
SpongeBob: (Holding out his cock) Let's fuck on it.
+
SpongeBob: (Holding out his hand) Let's shake on it.
   
 
Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?
 
Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?
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Purple Fish: Yes?
 
Purple Fish: Yes?
   
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy me?
+
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?
   
(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his cock going in and out back and forth)
+
(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth)
   
Purple Fish: Why is Perez here jizzing at me?
+
Purple Fish: Why is Tubby here staring at me?
   
 
(Cut to Patrick's eyes)
 
(Cut to Patrick's eyes)
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(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)
 
(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)
   
[[Purple Fish]]: Fuck off, Jagger!
+
[[Purple Fish]]: Back off, Jack!
   
(The customer slams the door on Patrick's dick, Patrick is heard saying "AWWWWW!" from the other side of the door)
+
(The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door)
   
Patrick: (Moving cock around) Nice.
+
Patrick: (Moving eyes around) Nice place you got in here.
   
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
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SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
 
SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
   
Patrick: I can't understand anything.
+
Patrick: I can't understand anything
   
 
SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
 
SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
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(Cut to the sign)
 
(Cut to the sign)
   
Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Pussy Chips, they're delicious.
+
Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.
   
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
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SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
 
SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
   
Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I eat them!
+
Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I use them!
   
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
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SpongeBob: (Happily) That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
 
SpongeBob: (Happily) That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
   
Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.) : PENISS'''!!!!!!'''
+
Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.) : '''CHOCOLATE!!!!!!'''
   
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)
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(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
   
SpongeBob: Hello, fresh muffin.
+
SpongeBob: Hello, young lady.
   
 
(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)
 
(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)
   
SpongeBob: We're selling penis. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother home?
+
SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother home?
   
 
(Cut to Mary)<br />
 
(Cut to Mary)<br />
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(Cut back to Mary's mother)
 
(Cut back to Mary's mother)
   
Mother: You just can't wait for me to die so you can get more men, can you?<br />
+
Mother: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
   
Mary: They're selling penis.
+
Mary: They're selling chocolate.
   
Mother: Penis?<br />
+
Mother: Chocolate?<br />
 
Mary: Yeah!
 
Mary: Yeah!
   
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Mother: What, what are they selling?<br />
 
Mother: What, what are they selling?<br />
Mary: PENIS!
+
Mary: Chocolates!
   
 
Mother: What?
 
Mother: What?
   
Mary: PENIS'''!'''
+
Mary: '''CHOCOLATES!'''
   
 
Mother: I can't hear you!
 
Mother: I can't hear you!
   
Mary: '''THEY'RE SELLING PENIS!!'''
+
Mary: '''THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!'''
   
Mother: They're selling penis?
+
Mother: They're selling chocolate?
   
 
Mary: '''YEAH!!'''
 
Mary: '''YEAH!!'''
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(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)
 
(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)
   
Mother: Penis. I remember when I lost my virginity. Sweet, sweet penis.
+
Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.
   
 
(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)
 
(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)
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Mother: I always hated it!
 
Mother: I always hated it!
   
(Cut to SpongeBob sweating and fucking Patrick)
+
(Cut to SpongeBob sweating)
   
SpongeBob: Oh, but this penis is not for eating. It's for...
+
SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
   
 
(Patrick comes from the top left)
 
(Patrick comes from the top left)
   
Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you moan forever.
+
Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.
   
 
(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)
 
(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)
   
Mother: Moan forever you say? I'll take one. (Mary slaps her face)
+
Mother: Live forever you say? I'll take one. (Mary slaps her face)
   
 
(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)
 
(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)
   
Mother (From inside house): Come on, you lazy faggot! (Cut to Mary) Start rubbing me with that penis!
+
Mother (From inside house): Come on, you lazy Mary! (Cut to Mary) Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
   
 
Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): I hate you. (Slams door)
 
Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): I hate you. (Slams door)
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(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
   
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy fucking in no time!<br />
+
SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!<br />
 
Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for lying!
 
Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for lying!
   
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)
   
SpongeBob: It'll make your dick grow.
+
SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.
   
 
(Cut to Fred)
 
(Cut to Fred)
   
Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a cock!
+
Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!
   
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)<br />
SpongeBob: It'll make you sound sensual.
+
SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart.
   
 
(Cut to the customer holding money)
 
(Cut to the customer holding money)
   
Customer (fat guy): I'll take 20!
+
Customer (southern accent): I'll take 20!
   
 
(Cut to Patrick)
 
(Cut to Patrick)
   
Patrick: It'll keep your ass from looking like your face.
+
Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
   
 
(Cut to the two Patricks)
 
(Cut to the two Patricks)
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(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)<br />
SpongeBob: They'll make you die!
+
SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!
   
Patrick: You'll fall in an endless pit!
+
Patrick: You'll fall in love!
   
SpongeBob: They'll bring world orgies!
+
SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!
   
Patrick: You'll walk through FYAH!
+
Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
   
 
SpongeBob: (ecoing) You'll rule the world!!
 
SpongeBob: (ecoing) You'll rule the world!!
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(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
   
SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of us!
+
SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!
   
 
(Customer opens door)
 
(Customer opens door)
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(Cut to SpongeBob)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)
   
SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a fuck? We need an operation.
+
SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
   
 
Customer: Really?
 
Customer: Really?
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(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)<br />
SpongeBob: (nervously)Um, we've got too hard and have eternal bleeding.
+
SpongeBob: (nervously)Um, we've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.
   
 
(Cut to the customer)<br />
 
(Cut to the customer)<br />
Customer: Well, some guys have all the fuck.
+
Customer: Well, some guys have all the luck.
   
 
(A violin begins)<br />
 
(A violin begins)<br />
Customer: I was born with glass balls and paper penis. Every morning, I break my cock, and every afternoon, I break my ass.
+
Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.
   
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to moan)
+
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry)
   
Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in agony until my boner explodes and puts me to sleep.
+
Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
   
(Cut to the customer, the cocks snap)
+
(Cut to the customer, the wires snap)
   
 
Customer: (About to fall) Oh, no...
 
Customer: (About to fall) Oh, no...
   
(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer moans while hitting the steps)
+
(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps)
   
Customer: (On the last step) Ohhhhh....
+
Customer: (On the last step) Ow...
   
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)
Line 470: Line 472:
 
(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)
 
(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)
   
Customer: (In pain) Ohhhh...!
+
Customer: (In pain) Ow...!
   
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
 
(Cut to SpongeBob)<br />
Line 477: Line 479:
 
(Cut to the customer)
 
(Cut to the customer)
   
Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...myself.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of condoms)
+
Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...chocolate bars.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes)
   
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
 
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)
Line 483: Line 485:
 
(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)
 
(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)
   
Customer: Such nice boys, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to fuck a couple of gay fuckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
+
Customer: Such nice boys, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!
   
 
(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)
 
(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)
   
 
(Cut to the street)<br />
 
(Cut to the street)<br />
SpongeBob (grunting and fucking): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell semen to.
+
SpongeBob (grunting): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.
   
(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with Patrick flat on his face)
+
(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face)
   
 
SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
 
SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
   
Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can live with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's cock and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)
+
Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can live with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)
   
SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Fuck and You.
+
SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother?
   
 
(Tom appears behind the box)
 
(Tom appears behind the box)
   
Tom: '''PENIS!!!!!!!!''' (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)
+
Tom: '''CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!''' (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)
   
 
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)
 
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)
Line 506: Line 508:
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)
 
(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)
   
SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't rape me. No no. Pleaseeee.
+
SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Pleaseeee.
   
 
Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!
 
Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!
Line 512: Line 514:
 
(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)
 
(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)
   
Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your cum! (Holds up a large amount of cash)
+
Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your chocolate. (Holds up a large amount of cash)
   
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, shit falls out of Patrick's shorts, along with a shit kiss)
+
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss)
   
 
(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)
 
(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)
Line 534: Line 536:
 
(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)
 
(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)
   
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "A Homos Paradise!" on top is seen)
+
(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen)
   
 
(Cut to the inside of the boat)
 
(Cut to the inside of the boat)
Line 542: Line 544:
 
(Cut to the server)
 
(Cut to the server)
   
Server: Sorry, but the whole club has been rented to a private party.
+
Server: Sorry, but the whole restraunt has been rented to a private party.
   
 
(Cut to Squidward shocked)
 
(Cut to Squidward shocked)
   
Squidward: But it's my only night to be gay! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
+
Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
   
 
(Cut to the Server and Squidward)
 
(Cut to the Server and Squidward)
Line 558: Line 560:
 
(Pause)
 
(Pause)
   
Mother: START RUBBING ME WITH THAT PENIS!!!
+
Mother: What? What did he say?
   
 
(Fade to black)
 
(Fade to black)

Revision as of 06:34, 16 July 2011

Template:CTranscript (SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)

SpongeBob: Hi Mailman!

(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)

SpongeBob: O.K, see you tomorrow!

(SpongeBob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.)

Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?

SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!

(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)

SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.

SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!

SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!

(A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown)

SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!

(A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money)

Patrick: (Points at the man's feet) This guy's got shoes!

Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?

Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.

SpongeBob: What kind of things?

Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! (walks off) Now keep your paws off my mail.

SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!

Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?

SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?

Patrick: Uh... (sweats) More time for thinking.

SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.

Patrick: A chocolate bar?

SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!


(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars)

SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!

Patrick: Make way for a couple of entrepreneurs! (He pronounces it "ontre-prenyouers")

(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)

SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.

(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)

SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some (holds up chocolate bar) chocolate?

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!

Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?

Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!

(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "CHOCOLAAATE!!!")


(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)

SpongeBob: O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step!

(A Con man opens the door.)

SpongeBob: Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?

Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?

SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!

Con man: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!

(Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants)

Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!

Con man: Well, (chuckles) no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)

SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?

Con man: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!

(SpongeBob tries to touch it)

Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm wasting my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these bags.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!


(The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)

Con man: So long, boys! Happy hunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Suckers... (walks back inside)

SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!

SpongeBob: Let's try next door!

(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out)

Con man: Yes?

SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. (Holds up two large maroon bags)

Patrick: We'll take twenty.


(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)

Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?

SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?

Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.

SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up!

(SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants)

Sadie: I don't have time for this.

(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar)

SpongeBob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice-

Tom: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!

SpongeBob: -lady.

(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming CHOCOLAAAATE!)


(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner)

SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.

Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!

SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?

Patrick: He said we were mediocre...

SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!

Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!

(Patrick runs to the door)

SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!

(Patrick freezes in place)

SpongeBob: Why don't we try being nice?

Patrick: Oh, okay.


(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?

Patrick: I love you.

(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)

SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.

(SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.

SpongeBob: Um, *clears throat* H-H-How you doin'?

Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?

SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?

Patrick: We got him now!

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?

(Patrick's belly is bubbling)

Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!

Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.

(The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 bucks.

Patrick: I'll take 10!

(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)

SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.

(Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures)

Patrick: Huh?

(Far cut)

SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a pack right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.

Patrick: (Removing pictures from his face) Huh?
SpongeBob: (Holding out his hand) Let's shake on it.

Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?

(Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view)

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.

(Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers)

Purple Fish: Yes?

SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?

(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth)

Purple Fish: Why is Tubby here staring at me?

(Cut to Patrick's eyes)

Patrick: Focusing.

(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)

Purple Fish: Back off, Jack!

(The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door)

Patrick: (Moving eyes around) Nice place you got in here.

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)

SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.

Patrick: I can't understand anything

SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!

(Cut to the sign)

Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!

Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I use them!

(Cut to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!

(Cut to Patrick)
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: (Happily) That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!

Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.) : CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)

SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!

Patrick: The kill!

(SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers)

Mary: Yes?

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: Hello, young lady.

(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)

SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother home?

(Cut to Mary)
Mary: Mom!

Mother: (Entering from the right side of the house) What, what, what's all the yelling?
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces)

(Cut back to Mary's mother)

Mother: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Mary: They're selling chocolate.

Mother: Chocolate?
Mary: Yeah!

(Cut to Mary and Mom)

Mother: What, what are they selling?
Mary: Chocolates!

Mother: What?

Mary: CHOCOLATES!

Mother: I can't hear you!

Mary: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

Mother: They're selling chocolate?

Mary: YEAH!!

(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)

Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.

(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)

Mother: I always hated it!

(Cut to SpongeBob sweating)

SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

(Patrick comes from the top left)

Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.

(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)

Mother: Live forever you say? I'll take one. (Mary slaps her face)

(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)

Mother (From inside house): Come on, you lazy Mary! (Cut to Mary) Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): I hate you. (Slams door)

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for lying!

(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)

SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.

(Cut to Fred)

Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)
SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart.

(Cut to the customer holding money)

Customer (southern accent): I'll take 20!

(Cut to Patrick)

Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.

(Cut to the two Patricks)

Patrick 2: Just in time.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)
SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!

Patrick: You'll fall in love!

SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!

Patrick: You'll walk through walls!

SpongeBob: (ecoing) You'll rule the world!!

(Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts)

(Cut close to Patrick)

Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!

(Customer opens door)

Customer: What can I do for you boys?

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.

Customer: Really?

(Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body)

Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)
SpongeBob: (nervously)Um, we've got some head trauma and eternal bleeding.

(Cut to the customer)
Customer: Well, some guys have all the luck.

(A violin begins)
Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry)

Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

(Cut to the customer, the wires snap)

Customer: (About to fall) Oh, no...

(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps)

Customer: (On the last step) Ow...

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!

(Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house)

(SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left)

SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.

(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)

Customer: (In pain) Ow...!

(Cut to SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?

(Cut to the customer)

Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling...chocolate bars.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes)

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)

(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)

Customer: Such nice boys, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!!!

(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)

(Cut to the street)
SpongeBob (grunting): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.

(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face)

SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.

Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can live with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)

SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother?

(Tom appears behind the box)

Tom: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!! (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)

(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)

(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)

SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Pleaseeee.

Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me!

(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)

Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all your chocolate. (Holds up a large amount of cash)

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss)

(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)

SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow)

Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?

(Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out)

SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.

(Cut to the two)

Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?

(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen)

(Cut to the inside of the boat)

Squidward (Walking in from the left): Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.

(Cut to the server)

Server: Sorry, but the whole restraunt has been rented to a private party.

(Cut to Squidward shocked)

Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?

(Cut to the Server and Squidward)

Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepuners and their (leaning over to Squidward) dates.

(Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass)

SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?

(Pause)

Mother: What? What did he say?

(Fade to black)