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Chocolate with Nuts (transcript)

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Transcript Information [edit]
Chocolate with Nuts
General
Season №: 3
Episode №: 52a
Airdate: June 1, 2002
Chronology
Previous: "Party Pooper Pants"
Next: "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Chocolate with Nuts" from season three, which aired on June 1, 2002.

  • [SpongeBob is sitting inside of his mailbox humming. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox]
  • SpongeBob: HI, MAILMAN!
  • [The mailman yells in fear, and runs off]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, [gets out of the mailbox] see you tomorrow!
  • [Patrick walks up]
  • Patrick: Hey, the mail's here! What did you get?
  • SpongeBob: Let's see... [Looks through the mail] Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A magazine!
  • [SpongeBob looks at the magazine]
  • SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [They look inside the magazine] WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!
  • SpongeBob: Look at all these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living!
  • [A picture of a rich person's swimming pool is shown]
  • SpongeBob: This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
  • [A picture is shown of an old, rich person surrounded with bags of money]
  • Patrick: [Points at the man's feet] This guy's got shoes!
  • Squidward: Give me that! [Takes the magazine] Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!
  • SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
  • Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
  • SpongeBob: What kind of things?
  • Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna buy! [walks off] Now keep your paws off my mail.
  • SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes entrepreneurs!
  • Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
  • SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
  • Patrick: Uh... [sweats] More time for thinking.
  • SpongeBob: No, something real, an item, something you would pay for.
  • Patrick: A chocolate bar?
  • SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars]
  • SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!
  • Patrick: Make way for a couple of ontre-prenyouers! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house]
  • SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living fancy! Just follow my lead.
  • [SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, Tom the fish opens the door]
  • SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some [holds up chocolate bar] chocolate?
  • Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!
  • Patrick: Yes sir. With or without nuts?
  • Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away, and then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "CHOCOLAAATE!" The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house] O.K, the first guy didn't count. This is our REAL first step! [A Con man opens the door] Good Morning, sir! Would you like to buy some chocolate?
  • Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?
  • SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar salesmen!
  • Con man: Ha! A couple of mediocre salesmen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise!
  • [Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants]
  • Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be good salesmen, right?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, sir!
  • Con man: Well, [chuckles] no self respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these! [He holds up a bright-orange bag]
  • SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what is it?
  • Con man: It's a candy bar bag, you knuckle-head! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in velvet-lined comfort!
  • [SpongeBob tries to touch it]
  • Con man: [pulls bag away] BUT, I'm wasting my time. [Walks inside] You don't need these bags.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
  • [The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags]
  • Con man: So long, boys! Happy hunting! [Laughs when the two aren't looking] Suckers... [walks back inside]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing as they run off] Fancy livin', here we come! La la la la, la!
  • SpongeBob: Let's try next door!
  • [SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out]
  • Con man: Yes?
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
  • Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady killers are too smart to be without one of my patented Candy Bar Bag Carrying Bags. [Holds up two large maroon bags]
  • Patrick: We'll take twenty.
  • [Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out]
  • Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
  • SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
  • Sadie: That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
  • SpongeBob: One chocolate bar, coming up!
  • [SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants]
  • Sadie: [Sadie looks at her watch] I don't have time for this.
  • [Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out a chocolate bar]
  • SpongeBob: I... got it! One chocolate bar for the nice- [Sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Tom, still screaming]
  • Tom: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!
  • SpongeBob: -lady. [Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming "CHOCOLAAAATE!" The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner] We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new tactic.
  • Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get naked!
  • SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those bags?
  • Patrick: He said we were mediocre...
  • SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel special!
  • Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags!
  • [Patrick runs to the door]
  • SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!
  • [Patrick freezes in place]
  • SpongeBob: Why don't we try being nice?
  • Patrick: Oh, okay.
  • [Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door]
  • SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
  • [Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?
  • Patrick: I love you.
  • [A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut in extreme disgust, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming]
  • SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try.
  • [SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away.
  • SpongeBob: Um, [clears throat] H-H-How you doin'?
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: How am I doing?
  • SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
  • Patrick: We got him now!
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, blubber boy?
  • [Patrick's belly is bubbling]
  • Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.
  • [The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13]
  • Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 5 bucks.
  • Patrick: I'll take 10!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays]
  • SpongeBob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.
  • [Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures]
  • Patrick: Huh?
  • [Far cut]
  • SpongeBob: [raising his fist] Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
  • Patrick: [Removing pictures from his face] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: [Holding out his hand] Let's shake on it.
  • Patrick: [Looking at SpongeBob confused] Did you say something?
  • [Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view]
  • SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.
  • [Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers]
  • Purple Fish: Yes?
  • SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, wanna buy some chocolate?
  • [Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth]
  • Purple Fish: Why is Tubby here staring at me?
  • [Cut to Patrick's eyes]
  • Patrick: Focusing.
  • [Cut to the inside of the customer's house]
  • Purple Fish: [freaks out] Back off, Jack!
  • [The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door]
  • Patrick: [Moving eyes around] Nice place you got in here.
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene]
  • SpongeBob: I can't understand what were doing wrong.
  • Patrick: I can't understand anything
  • SpongeBob: There's something to this selling game were just not getting. Other people do it, I mean look at that!
  • [Cut to the sign]
  • Patrick: [reading the sign] Eat Barnacle Chips, they're delicious.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: They are most certainly not delicious!
  • Patrick: [smiling] Not the way I use them!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day!
  • [Cut to Patrick]
  • Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: [Happily] That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
  • Tom: CHOCOLATE!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house]
  • SpongeBob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up and you come in for the kill!
  • Patrick: The kill!
  • [SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers]
  • Mary: Yes?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, young lady.
  • [SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles]
  • SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. [Getting a closer look at Mary] Is your mother home?
  • [Cut to Mary]
  • Mary: Mom!
  • Mother: [Entering from the right side of the house] What, what, what's all the yelling?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces. Cut back to Mary's mother]
  • Mother: You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • Mary: They're selling chocolate.
  • Mother: Chocolate?
  • Mary: Yeah!
  • [Cut to Mary and Mom]
  • Mother: What, what are they selling?
  • Mary: Chocolates!
  • Mother: What?
  • Mary: CHOCOLATES!
  • Mother: I can't hear you!
  • Mary: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!
  • Mother: They're selling chocolate?
  • Mary: YEAH!
  • [Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling]
  • Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate.
  • [Cut back to view Mary and her mom]
  • Mother: I always hated it!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob sweating]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...
  • [Patrick comes from the top left]
  • Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever.
  • [Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly]
  • Mother: Live forever you say? I'll take one. [Mary slaps her face. Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar]
  • Mother: [From inside house] Come on, you lazy Mary! [Cut to Mary] Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
  • Mary: [looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily] I hate you. [Slams door. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
  • Patrick: [Raising fist] Hooray for lying!
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh]
  • SpongeBob: It'll make your hair grow.
  • [Cut to Fred]
  • Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a beard!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time]
  • SpongeBob: It'll make you sound smart.
  • [Cut to the customer holding money]
  • Customer: [southern accent] I'll take 20!
  • [Cut to Patrick]
  • Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
  • [Cut to the two Patricks]
  • Patrick 2: Just in time.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over]
  • SpongeBob: They'll make you fly!
  • Patrick: You'll fall in love!
  • SpongeBob: They'll bring world peace!
  • Patrick: You'll walk through walls!
  • SpongeBob: [ecoing] You'll rule the world!
  • [Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts. Cut close to Patrick]
  • Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, this guy will feel sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate!
  • [Customer opens door]
  • Customer: What can I do for you boys?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
  • Customer: Really?
  • [Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body]
  • Customer: Small world. What's the matter with you guys?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned]
  • SpongeBob: [nervously] Um, we've got some head trauma and internal bleeding.
  • [Cut to the customer]
  • Customer: Well, some guys have all the luck.
  • [A violin begins]
  • Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry]
  • Customer: At night, [As SpongeBob looks up sadly, a tear runs down his face] I lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
  • [Cut to the customer, the wires snap]
  • Customer: [About to fall] Oh, no...
  • [A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps]
  • Customer: [On the last step] Ow...
  • [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's help him!
  • [Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left]
  • SpongeBob: Careful, put him down gently.
  • [Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer]
  • Customer: [In pain] Ow...!
  • [Cut to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to help you?
  • [Cut to the customer]
  • Customer: Well, there is one thing... as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely high, but luckily, I am able to keep myself alive by selling... chocolate bars. [gestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene. Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
  • Customer: Such nice boys, [far cut to the customer] it does my heart good to con a couple of Class A suckeroonies like those two! HA HA HA!
  • [Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his costume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier. Cut to the street]
  • SpongeBob: [grunting] Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to.
  • [SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face]
  • SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're failures.
  • Patrick: [Walking in from the left] I can live with that. [Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]
  • SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother.
  • [Tom appears behind the box]
  • Tom: CHOCOLATE! [Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick babble]
  • SpongeBob: No! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Please...
  • Patrick: No! Don't hurt us, Tom. Please Spare Me! [Cuts to Tom laughing manically]
  • Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I got you right where I want you... [turns back to normal] I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [Holds up a large amount of cash. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt]
  • SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.
  • [Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow]
  • Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?
  • [Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out]
  • SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.
  • [Cut to the two]
  • Patrick: But what are we going to spend it on?
  • [Cut to SpongeBob thinking. Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen. Cut to the inside of the boat]
  • Squidward: [Walking in from the left] Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
  • [Cut to the server]
  • Server: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.
  • [Cut to Squidward shocked]
  • Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restraunt?
  • [Cut to the Server and Squidward]
  • Server: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs and their [leaning over to Squidward] dates.
  • [Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass]
  • SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
  • [Pause]
  • Mother: What? What did he say?

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