Breath of Fresh Squidward/transcript

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• [Squidward is sleeping]
• Patrick: Could you pass the chips, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. We're all out.
• Patrick: Oh, barnacles! What am I going to do with all this dip? [SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting in chairs beside Squidward's bed]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! [Squidward screams]
• Squidward: What are you two morons doing?
• SpongeBob: Waiting to watch the sunrise with you.
• Squidward: At 3:47 in the morning?
• SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
• Squidward: In my bedroom?
• SpongeBob: We come here every morning.
• Squidward: You sneak into my house every morning?
• SpongeBob: Uh-huh. [Squidward groans]
• Patrick: It's our favorite pastime.
• SpongeBob: Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. They're all here in this memory book. [points to pictures] Here we are on the Fourth of July. And Valentine's Day. Oh, you looked so cute on Easter. [Squidward is groaning angrily] What's wrong with Squidward?
• Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [gasp] Story time!
• SpongeBob: Can I tell it this time, Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. [happy gland sneezes]
• Squidward: And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever--
• French Narrator: 3 hours later--
• Squidward: And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again--
• SpongeBob: Squidward?
• Squidward: --for as long as time shall stand.
• SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward?
• Squidward: What? [sun rises]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh.
• SpongeBob: Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Squidward.
• Squidward: Get out! [cut to later where Squidward is putting a fence to separate neighbors] Perfect.
• SpongeBob: Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big fencewarming party.
• Squidward: Oh, of course. Come, have a seat. The picnic's about to start. [cut to later]
• SpongeBob: Oh, this is so neat.
• Patrick: I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you, SpongeBob? [both are launched over the fence]
• Squidward: It worked! Now I just turn on the electric fence. [turns it on] Now, they'll never get back in. [SpongeBob and Patrick land inside the fence area]
• Patrick: Let's do it again.
• SpongeBob: Let's do it again.
• Patrick: Can we, Squidward?
• Squidward: Huh? What? No! Get out!
• SpongeBob: But--
• Squidward: No! You're going out this door, right now-- [touches the doorknob and gets electrocuted]
• SpongeBob: You're not mad at us, are you, Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? [Squidward's brain is not storming anymore and has a rainbow over it] Well, okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be at the petting zoo if you need us.
• Squidward: Do they have cute sea horses there?
• SpongeBob: Yeah, they're pretty adorable.
• Squidward: And the little scallops that nibble on your fingers when you feed them?
• SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
• Squidward: Can I come?
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [gasp] Ooooh—yeah. [cut to a montage of events: Squidward is petting a sea horse, riding in a wagon while SpongeBob and Patrick pull him, riding a ferris wheel and taking pictures in a photo booth. Later, the bus drops them off in front of Squidward's house. Squidward runs inside] Good night, Squidward.
• SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. Did you notice anything different about Squidward?
• Patrick: Uh, new glasses?
• SpongeBob: No, no. I mean he seems happier.
• Squidward: [peeks his head out his top window] Good night, Bikini Bottom. I love you! [closes window]
• Patrick: He's probably happy about his new glasses. [cut to next day when SpongeBob wakes up. He turns off his alarm but he pokes Squidward's nose instead]
• Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob. Honk! [makes alarm sound at SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing here?
• Squidward: You were right, SpongeBob. Watching the sunrise together is much better.
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Oh, yeah. I forgot. The new Squidward. [gets out of bed] I guess I better get ready for work. Boy, the new Squidward sure is friendly. [SpongeBob reads the newspaper while sipping his coffee cup] The new Squidward sure is helpful. [cut to SpongeBob brushing his teeth] Huh? [Squidward is flossing SpongeBob's teeth] The new Squidward sure is hygienic. [SpongeBob and Squidward walk to work together] Boy—the new Squidward sure is chummy. [cut to The Krusty Krab] Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my grill, and you, Mr. Smiley Face Krabby Patty. No one can come between us. [Squidward squeezes between them]
• Squidward: Hello, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Aah! S-S-Squidward! Aren't you supposed to be out front?
• Squidward: I wanted to help you work.
• SpongeBob: What? Oh, that's silly talk, Squidward. I'm chief fry cook, and we fry cooks work alone. And, uh-- [pokes his head out the order window] --we're not supposed to get distracted while we're cooking, Squidward!
• Mr. Krabs: Squidward! [grabs him and brings him out front] Stop distracting SpongeBob and serve the customers!
• Squidward: How are we today? Everything a-okay here?
• Tom: What do you mean?
• Squidward: How's your meal? Anyone need tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke. [puts a Krusty Krab hat on the kid]
• Little Kid Fish: [holds Mable] Mommy, I'm scared.
• Squidward: Who wants a free refill?
• Mr. Krabs: Did someone just say "free"? IN MY RESTAURANT?!? [runs out of his office] What's the problem here?
• Sadie: That man was being nice to my little girl.
• Little Kid Fish: He- he-- he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce, [shows the Krusty Krab hat Squidward gave her] and then he gave me a free hat.
• Mr. Krabs: Free?! [eyes dry up] Mr. Squidward!
• Squidward: Yes, sir.
• Mr. Krabs: Listen up. Me customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse, and if you can't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob. [SpongeBob comes out of the bathroom and sees Squidward holding a plate of patties]
• SpongeBob: Whoa! Squidward, what are you doing?
• Squidward: Mr. Krabs told me to help you, so I made Krabby Patties.
• SpongeBob: Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice and you'd never be up to it. [about to throw the patties away until Mr. Krabs comes in]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? What are you doing with those patties?
• SpongeBob: Oh, these are no good, Mr. Krabs. Squidward made them.
• Mr. Krabs: They look okay to me.
• SpongeBob: But he's not a real fry cook.
• Mr. Krabs: He is now. Give him an apron and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. [SpongeBob whimpers. Cut to later where both SpongeBob and Squidward are at the grill]
• Squidward: Wow, SpongeBob! You've been Employee of the Month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month.
• SpongeBob: Actually, Squidward, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. Keep dreaming.
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?
• Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this?
• SpongeBob: What's wrong with it?
• Mr. Krabs: A smiley face with dimples? [shows a patty with a smiley face and dimples]
• SpongeBob: [screams] Dimples? It was him! No, Squidward did it.
• Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward?
• Squidward: Yes, sir.
• Mr. Krabs: I have one thing to say to you, Mister. Oh, I just love the little ketchup dimples you do. You're the new Employee of the Month. [takes his picture. SpongeBob breaks into pieces]
• Patrick: [walks into The Krusty Krab with a pink box in his hand] Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. [SpongeBob doesn't say move] No, really. who is it? I don't know.
• SpongeBob: The guy you're looking for is over there. [points to a crowd of customers and Mr. Krabs throwing Squidward up into the air with excitement. Starts crying]
• Patrick: Oh. SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Yes?
• Patrick: I want you to pull yourself together, okay? And then I want you to--
• SpongeBob: Mm-hmm?
• Patrick: Help me spell 'Squidward'. [opens up the pink box to reveal a cake that reads "Congratulations SpongeBob: Employee of the Month"]
• SpongeBob: Okay. [changes "SpongeBob" to "Squidward"]
• Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. Party at my house! [cut to Patrick's house where they have the party and a banner reading "Squidward Rocks" is put up and everyone, including Squidward is in a conga line]
• Squidward: Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? How's the cake, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. It's a very okay cake. [sniffles]
• Squidward: I love being Employee of the Month.
• SpongeBob: Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month? And so what if New Squidward is pogo-dancing with your best friend? Aah! Pogo-dancing with your best friend? [Patrick and Squidward are bouncing on pogo sticks. whimpers then gets angry] STOP! [party stops] Maybe you can take my job, and maybe you can take my place on the Employee of the Month Wall of Fame. But nobody and I mean nobody, pogo-dances with that guy [points to Patrick] but me. Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! [Squidward tearfully leaves and goes over to touch the doorknob on the electric fence, which is still on, and gets electrocuted. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are on pogo sticks] You know, Patrick. maybe I was a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he might be a good fry cook. and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best friend in the world [gasps] I know. I'll go apologize. Come on. [goes over to Squidward, still being electrocuted] Squidward, I just want to say I'm sorry for being so selfish, and yelling at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking, pictures on the wall and dancing. We're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put her there.
• Patrick: He's too proud.
• SpongeBob: Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. [grabs Squidward's hand and gets electrocuted, too]
• Patrick: Hey, I want to dance funny, too! [gets electrocuted, too. The OFF/ON switch explodes and the electric fence is no more]
• Squidward: SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here?
• SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] What are you talking about?
• Patrick: [imitating Squidward] Yeah, what's the big idea? [all talking at once]