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Born Again Krabs (transcript)

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Born Again Krabs
General
Season №: 3
Episode №: 56a
Airdate: October 4, 2003
Chronology
Previous: "Mid-Life Crustacean"
Next: "I Had an Accident"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Born Again Krabs" from season three, which aired on October 4, 2003.

  • Squidward: [switches the 'open' sign to 'closed'] Closing time. The happiest time of the day! [scene cuts to SpongeBob in the kitchen crying]
  • SpongeBob: Closing time. The saddest time of the day! [falls on the ground still crying] Huh? [notices an old Patty under the grill] It's a Krabby Patty. [SpongeBob tries to pick it up but it's stuck to some gum] Eww... It's cold and hard. [takes the Patty out from under the grill] This could have rolled under there years ago. [pats it on the head] There, there, little one, your journey is almost over. [SpongeBob throws the Patty in the trash. A siren goes off as a fishing line retrieves the patty]
  • Mr. Krabs: [runs in] What happened? [gasps then runs up to the trash can] Someone tried to throw away a patty! [takes it off the hook]
  • Pinch-o-matic: Pinch-o-matic has saved you 5.2 cents.
  • SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I found that under the grill.
  • Mr. Krabs: And tomorrow a customer will find it under his bun. [hands it to SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: But, it's old and cold and so very full of mold.
  • Mr. Krabs: You're not to make another Patty until that one is sold. Understand?
  • Narrator: The next day.
  • SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward. [puts the tray with the old Patty in the burger on the window]
  • Squidward: Hooray. [smells the Patty then flips the top bun off] Uhh, SpongeBob, can I get one with less...fog?
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, Mr. Krabs' orders.
  • Squidward: Whatever. [hands the tray to Gus] Here you are, sir, one Krabby Patty. [Gus sniffs it and does a lot of back-flips out the restaurant, screaming. Scene cuts to the Krusty crew standing by the door]
  • Mr. Krabs: I don't understand. We haven't had a customer in weeks. I wonder if it's the new place mats.
  • Squidward: What? Place mats? Have you lost your mind? It's that old Patty you keep trying to sell to everybody! It's gone bad.
  • Mr. Krabs: Gone bad? That's nonsense. Bring it here, SpongeBob. [picks up the cage with the Patty inside it] Uhh, why is it in a cage?
  • SpongeBob: Because it growled at me. [Patty starts to growl and bark. Squidward hides behind Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: You two would have never have lasted in the navy. Let's see how bad you are. [takes the Patty out of its cage but it still barks and growls] No...no... Stay... [throws a 'treat' into its mouth] Thatta girl! There, there. See? Good enough to eat. [about to eat it when an ambulance goes by] Oh, look, an ambulance. Now, then. [Takes a bite. Scene cuts to him, now green color, being rolled on a hospital bed] SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that Patty, I'm not finished with it yet! [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a hospital bed]
  • Purple Doctorfish: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite the scare.
  • Mr. Krabs: So I'm gonna be ok, doc?
  • Purple Doctorfish: Well, if you don't want to take my word for it, let's just check your chart. [looks at the chart] Let's see here. Hmmm...oh, no! [starts to shake] Oh, no, this is terrible! [drops the clipboard]
  • Mr. Krabs: Everything ok, doc?
  • Purple Doctorfish: Don't touch me! [runs out screaming]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's not a good sign. [thunder roars as the room turns into green. The Flying Dutchman appears. Mr. Krabs pulls his covers over his head] Oh, no, it's the Flying Dutchman!
  • Flying Dutchman: Eugene Krabs, your time has come.
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm not Eugene Krabs, I'm, uhh, Harold. Harold, uhh... [looks at the flower vase next to him] Flower!
  • Flying Dutchman: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong room. [flies out] Excuse me, nurse?
  • Nurse: [in a happy, musical tone] Yes?
  • Flying Dutchman: I'm looking for Eugene Krabs.
  • Nurse: Oh, he's in that room right there.
  • Flying Dutchman: No, that's Harold Flower's room.
  • Nurse: Harold Flower? [Flying Dutchman goes back to Mr. Krabs in anger]
  • Flying Dutchman: So, Krabs, you thought you could fool the Flying Dutchman?
  • Mr. Krabs: What do you want from me?
  • Flying Dutchman: I'm here to escort you to the resting place of all bad undersea folk: Davy Jones' locker!
  • Mr. Krabs: Davy Jones' locker? Why do I have to go there? I'm not a bad crab!
  • Flying Dutchman: Ah, but you were cheap, and being cheap is a terrible thing. Next stop, Davy Jones' locker! [scene cuts to Davey Jones' locker where Flying Dutchman and Mr. Krabs reappear] Here we are.
  • Mr. Krabs: [smells something nasty] Blec! Why does it smell so foul?
  • Flying Dutchman: Davy Jones works out a lot. [opens the locker where a bunch of smelly socks are] These are his socks. Get in!
  • Mr. Krabs: [gets on his knees and starts crying] Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman, I don't want to go in there! I'll do anything! Please, give me another chance!
  • Flying Dutchman: Come on, Krabs, show a little dignity.
  • Mr. Krabs: Mommy!
  • Flying Dutchman: Alright, alright, stop your crying. I'll give you another chance, but you must always be generous, never cheap.
  • Mr. Krabs: You have me word as a sailor. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where a sign hangs over it that says 'Out of Business']
  • Squidward: [looking through Mr. Krabs desk drawers] Mr. Krabs' nose hair clippers. I could use these. [SpongeBob is wearing his hat and spatula, crying]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you shouldn't be going through Mr. Krabs' belongings. [sniffs] He won't like it.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I told you what the doctor said. Mr. Krabs isn't coming back. [tries to open the safe] Now, keep quiet so I can hear the tumblers in his safe. [Mr. Krabs walks in]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys! [SpongeBob screams with joy as Squidward nervously hides his stethoscope behind his back]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I knew it! You're alive! [clings to Mr. Krabs] Squidward, look, it's Mr. Krabs! Isn't this too good to be true?
  • Squidward: Well, it was.
  • Mr. Krabs: You know, boys, being sick made me think a lot. My whole life has been about money. Saving money, collecting money, touching money... Well, you get the picture. But no more. You're looking at the new, improved, non-cheap Mr. Krabs. [scene cuts to outside the Krusty Krab where a giant 'Grand Re-Opening' sign is hanging. 'Buy' and 'Free' sign are in the window] Welcome all, welcome! [a little kid walks up to Krabs] Hello, little one. What you got there?
  • Timmy: A Krabby Patty.
  • Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Of course, you do! You know what that means, right?
  • Timmy: I don't go hungry?
  • Mr. Krabs: No, silly! It means free toy! [gives him a little toy]
  • Timmy: Gee, thanks, Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a cheap, old tightwad.
  • Mr. Krabs: I was, son, I was. Free toys for everyone! And free refills! [everyone cheers. Mr. Krabs runs up to SpongeBob] Hello boy! Say, where's Squidward?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, he's taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the 'employee lounge'. [scene cuts to Squidward sleeping in Mr. Krabs office]
  • Mr. Krabs: Great!
  • Martha: Excuse me, but I dropped my Krabby Patty. Could I get another one?
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes sir. [takes the patty and lifts the top bun where a disclaimer, written in ketchup, is shown] Krusty Krab policy clearly states that once the burger has reached the customer, it is his/her responsibility...
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [puts down the bun] That's the old policy. Now run back and bring out a fresh one.
  • SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir. [goes into the kitchen]
  • Mr. Krabs: Sorry about the confusion. [pulls out a toy] Free toy? [Martha takes it]
  • Squidward: Eugene, my man.
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward! How's the break coming?
  • Squidward: Should be over in a couple of hours. Have SpongeBob send back a patty and an iced tea, will you? [walks off]
  • Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, Squidward. Take it easy. [walks up to a customer watching a movie] Are you enjoying your in-meal movie?
  • Harold: This movie hasn't even been in the theaters yet!
  • Mr. Krabs: No expense spared for my valued customers. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob standing in front of the restaurant] Look at all those happy faces. It sure does feel good to be generous.
  • Squidward: [walks in with some envelope] Here's your mail, Eugene.
  • Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Squidward. You look rested.
  • Squidward: Yeah, these naps at work are doing wonders for me.
  • Mr. Krabs: Credit card bills. Well, I knew this was coming. Let's see what the damage is. [opens the envelope] Only ten thousand dollars. That's not so bad. [runs up to the cash register] I'll just subtract it from today's profit. [opens the register but there is no money in it] And...there's no money in here. [laughs] How delightful.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm worried about Mr. Krabs.
  • Squidward: Me too, how are we going to get paid? [both walk up to Mr. Krabs] Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's just a bad dream. I'll wake up soon. [SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other]
  • Squidward: Uhh...dream?
  • Mr. Krabs: Sure. I'm still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!
  • SpongeBob: Umm, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
  • Squidward: Here's the bill. [gives Mr. Krabs the bill]
  • Mr. Krabs: You mean...I'm awake? [screams as his head cracks through the middle over and over. Each time he cracks his head open, a new one appears. He runs up to a Nat drinking a soda and grabs it from him] No free refills! [takes it to the soda machine and the drink gets sucked back into it. Then he runs up to two kids playing with toys] Give me back them toys, you freeloaders! [takes the toys then runs over to Harold watching the movie] Show's over, cheapskate! [turns the TV off then presses a button that erases his memory of the movie]
  • Customer #3: Hey, it's my lucky day, a penny! [reaches for the penny]
  • Mr. Krabs: Your luck just ran out. [grabs a hold of the customer's arm]
  • Customer #3: Hey man, ease back, you're crushing my arm.
  • Mr. Krabs: Unhand that penny, or the arm comes off. [Flying Dutchman reappears. The customer runs away]
  • Flying Dutchman: A-ha! That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones' locker FOR ETERNITY!
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm not cheap, I'm generous!
  • Squidward: You almost tore a man's arm off for a penny.
  • Mr. Krabs: [sarcastically] Thanks, Squidward, I knew I could count on you. [Flying Dutchman picks up Mr. Krabs] Well, a deal's a deal. Let's go.
  • SpongeBob: Wait just a burger-flipping second. [Flying Dutchman turns around]
  • Flying Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?
  • SpongeBob: That would be me: SpongeBob Back-SassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea.
  • Flying Dutchman: He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
  • SpongeBob: I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.
  • Flying Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. Ok, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
  • Mr. Krabs: That depends, how much money we talking about?
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • Flying Dutchman: [shows money] 62 cents.
  • Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money.
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • Flying Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. Sixty-two cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]
  • Mr. Krabs: Look, Squidward, money!
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for sixty-two cents?
  • Mr. Krabs: You think I could've gotten more?
  • Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done? [cries] I want another chance! I didn't learn anything! I lost me best fry cook. I don't want this foul money. [throws the change on the ground] I want SpongeBob back! [Flying Dutchman reappears and drops SpongeBob on the floor]
  • Flying Dutchman: Here, take him back.
  • Mr. Krabs: You heard what I said about the money?
  • Flying Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldn't hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Flying Dutchman at Davy Jones' locker with SpongeBob talking a lot] And it's jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! He's your problem now. [disappears]
  • Mr. Krabs: Heh, about trading you for pocket change...
  • SpongeBob: Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing.
  • Mr. Krabs: You would have?
  • SpongeBob: No. [all laugh. Scene cuts to the Flying Dutchman sitting on a chair, reading a book until the phone rings]
  • Flying Dutchman: Dutchman's residence. [SpongeBob is on the other end talking a lot. Flying Dutchman groans]

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