[SpongeBob is riding on his horse, and muscular, and is saving a woman tied on the railroad tracks screaming]
SpongeBob: Hey, yah!
Woman: Help, help.
SpongeBob: Whoa, stop. [horse stops] There, there. You're safe now little lady. [maniacal laughter coming from a man]
Man: You fool. You've falled into my trap. Now you're mine, SpongeBob the strong.
SpongeBob: So, we meet again, Crazyfish.
Jack M. Crazyfish: Bring it on.
SpongeBob: With pleasure. [cracks his knuckles]
Jack M. Crazyfish:[grunts] So loud.
SpongeBob: You ready to get crazy, huh, Crazyfish?
Jack M. Crazyfish: You bet your frosting, Sponge-cake.
SpongeBob: Sorry, I'm not wearing any frosting. [both do a rock-paper-scissors game with SpongeBob winning the first round with paper over rock but Crazyfish changes his rock to scissors] Hey, that's cheating.
Jack M. Crazyfish: No, it's not.
SpongeBob: Yes it is.
Jack M. Crazyfish: Is not...
SpongeBob: Is too...
Jack M. Crazyfish: Is not...
SpongeBob: Is too... [while they argue, the train is getting closer to the woman]
Woman: Um, guys? Guys? The train!
SpongeBob:[jumps next to her] Don't worry. I'm ready. [tears his shirt] Bring it on. [right before the train hits him, his alarm wakes him up from his dream] Oh, good morning, Gare-bear.
SpongeBob: I kept you up all night with my nocturnal outbursts? Again?
SpongeBob: No, no, Tuesday night was the one with the 30-foot librarian. Last night was the one where I defeat notorious arch- villain Jack M. Crazyfish. Using the sheer force of my awesomely developed musculature. [puffs out his chest. Goes to the bathroom and has trouble opening up the toothpaste. He deflates to his normal size and goes to get back into his bedroom and he opens a cabinet, rummaging through it, tossing away a sock, a wind-up eyeball toy, a baseball glove, one of his socks, a boot, and an 'I'M WITH STUPID' T-shirt. SpongeBob pulls out a red monkey wrench, and goes back to the bathroom and hits the wrench on the toothpaste, causing the top to ricochet off some things in the bathroom before hitting SpongeBob in the eye. He looks in the mirror to see if he has a black eye] Whew, what a relief. For a second there I thought I gave myself a black... [He accidentally slips on the toothpaste top and hits his eye on the wrench] ...eye. [Looks in the mirror at his black eye. Starts crying in bed which startles Gary, Gary comes up to bed]
SpongeBob: Go away, Gary. I'm busy... wallowing.
SpongeBob: I did something so dumb to myself that even you would laugh uncontrollably at me.
SpongeBob: You promise you won't laugh? [Gary nods] Ok, here goes. [lifts his head off the bed] Gary, I gave myself a black eye trying to open the toothpaste. [Gary restraints from snickering] Thanks for not laughing, Gere. I knew you'd... [Gary leaves through his pet door] Gere...? [cut to SpongeBob leaving his house with pink sunglasses on. He looks around and sees no one around so he walks out but runs into Patrick]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. Hey, cool glasses. Can I try them on... oh! [takes off the sunglasses and sees SpongeBob's black eye] SpongeBob, your eye. It's all black and swollen. How'd you mess your eye up, SpongeBob? Did somebody hit you? Where is he? Yeah, we'll settle this like men. We'll sue him.
SpongeBob: No, no, it's okay, Patrick. He... uh, he learned his lesson. [thinking of the toothpaste]
Patrick: Are you sure, SpongeBob? Who was this guy, anyway?
SpongeBob: Hmm... [thinking of Crazyfish] Jack M. Crazyfish. You've never seen anyone like this guy, Patrick. He was about 60 feet tall.
SpongeBob: He was big and mean. Oh, but ol' SpongeBob here knows how to teach a lummox some manners.
Patrick: What did you do?
SpongeBob: I handled him the same way I handle all enormous muscle-bound villains.
Patrick: With tears?
SpongeBob: Uh, no, with a little hi-yah! and a ka-zow! and a gallon of hi-yah, hi-yah, ha! Yeah, he never knew what his him.
Patrick: Then what happened?
SpongeBob: I woke up... Oh, I mean, I...
Patrick: I know exactly what you mean. You whooped him with your eyes closed.
SpongeBob: That is exactly what I mean, Patrick. Well, see you later, buddy. [walks off]
Patrick: There goes a real hero.
SpongeBob:[makes karate sounds] Slugger, that's me. [stops a sea cow crossing] What the? [Sandy is riding a sea horse and taming the sea cows]
Sandy: Yee-haw! Get along little fishies.
SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy.
Sandy: Whoa! [sea horse stops] Hot cat snake in a barn. Look at your eye. Land sakes. That's quite a shiner you got there. Well, don't you worry none. I know some natural remedies that'll...
SpongeBob: Keep your natural remedies to yourself. Manly dudes like me don't need 'em. I'll have you know that I got this black eye in a fight.
Sandy: A fight? Well, there's no shame in losing.
SpongeBob: Lose? Sandy, I taught the fish who tangled with me a lesson he shan't soon forget.
Sandy: Why? Did he write it down?
SpongeBob: No, I engraved it on his pain gland.
Sandy: Well, what type of man scuffles boots with you and loses?
SpongeBob: Oh, this was no mere man. He was the notorious outlaw Jack M. Crazfish!
Sandy: Jack M. Crazyfish?
SpongeBob: It all happened late last night... [flashback to last night where SpongeBob is walking down the road] I was walking home from work... alone when all of a sudden, Crazyfish sprang up out of nowhere. He threw a giant tire at the back of my head. [Crazyfish laughs after throwing the tire] Then, he stood over me to gloat. I jumped up and karate kicked his hairpiece right off of its snaps. [Crazyfish walks away crying] He was so ashamed he ran all the way home leaving behind a pool of tears. Which I then proceeded to scoop up in my victory tankard and enjoy a nice refreshing beverage.
Sandy: So how'd you get the black eye then?
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, that's right. I had miscalculated the trajectory of my cup and the straw jabbed me in the eye, giving me this awful shiner. [watch beeps]
Sandy: Well, looks like you're late for your day job, killer.
SpongeBob: Ah, phooey. Late schmate. A tough guy like me can show up to work whenever he wants. Adios. [cut to Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob is 13-1/2 minutes late for duty. I hope for his sake this means he was in a horrible accident. [SpongeBob kicks the doors open and looks around trying to look tough] Well, looks like I was right about the accident part. [SpongeBob walks up to a fish and shows the black eye he goy]
SpongeBob: Yeah, that's right, pal, do the right thing. Just keep on walking. [walks up to a table of two fish]
Fish #2: Do you mind? We're trying to have a decent meal here.
SpongeBob: That's right. [SpongeBob walks up to Squidward. Clears his throat]
Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm...
SpongeBob: Dah-dah-dah-dah, I'm just gonna stop you right there, Squidward. Spare you the oxygen. We all know you weaker folk can't afford to waste it. [takes the microphone] All right, folks, listen up 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. Tough guys don't like to repeat themselves. I'm talking to you, grandma! [Gramma puts down the mustard] Now I suppose all of you are wondering how I got this black eye.
Squidward: Not really.
SpongeBob: All right, who said that? Was it you, grandma?
Squidward: It was me, I said it. [SpongeBob turns around and hisses at Squidward, who recoils from the sight of the gruesome black eye]
SpongeBob: Well, folks, I don't happen to see it as a shiner so much as a shining trophy of my glorious triumph over the forces of evil. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Who in the name of Neptune would want to tangle with a guy like SpongeBob SquarePants? Well, I'll tell you who. [flashback to this morning] It was a peaceful morning in Bikini Bottom. I emerged from my fruit-shaped bungalow fresh as a bee when a wanted cry of distress pounded against my eardrum. [lady screams]
Harold: Hold it. Sponges don't have eardrums.
Mr. Krabs: He's right.
SpongeBob: Hey, let's save all the questions until the end. As I was saying... I quickly located the source of the cry which was a victim tied at my feet. [lady continues to scream while tied to a railroad track] "Don't worry, I'll save you." I assured... when a large bowling pin struck me in the face. The hurler was none other than Jack M. Crazyfish. And I could tell by that cold sore on his lip that today he meant business. With cat-like reflexes I preempted his attack. But the scoundrel had me sabotaged. And I fell face down on a pile of extra large staples. He lunged at me but I got him in the ribs with my novelty feather duster. Down he fell like a mighty oak. [slow howl... thud] And there he lay. The very thought of being vanquished made Jack M. Crazyfish burst into tears. [he cries] The force of his tears was so strong I had to take evasive action. But one of the blasts went haywire and hit me right in the face... [one of the tears bounces off a rock and hits SpongeBob in the eye] ...and that's how I got this black eye and gave Jack M. Crazyfish a whomping of a lifetime. Whoo...football!
Dale: Uh, what did you say he looked like again?
SpongeBob: Oh, kind of tall, handlebar mustache...
Dale: Little green hat?
SpongeBob: I kind of thought it was teal but that sounds like him all right. Wait a second, how did you know he was wearing a green hat? [SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward gasp] He's... real.
Jack M. Crazyfish: I'm looking for SpongeBob SquarePants.
SpongeBob: Mr Crazyfish, please don't skin me alive. I made all that stuff up. I was just kidding about whomping you, right folks? You remember.
Gramma: I liked the part where you told us where how he was crying like a baby. [SpongeBob runs home]
SpongeBob: Hi, Gary. [runs back with toothpaste and wrench] All right, look. I had a toothpaste tube, like this. But I couldn't get it open 'cause the cap was stuck. And I guess...I haven't been working my arms out that much lately. And I opened it up like this... [hits the toothpaste with the wrench] Then I was walkin', like this. [walks over to the toothpaste top] And I didn't see where the cap went, like this. [slips on the top and hits himself in the eye with the wrench] So, I slipped on it and I landed right on my wrench, like this. And I gave myself a black eye, like this. [points to his left eye] Uh... like these. [points to both eyes being black] So you see? I made it all up so I could keep from looking stupid. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Jack M. Crazyfish: Uh, not really. I'm here cause I heard you make a really good Krabby Patty. [cut to SpongeBob bringing a plate with a Krabby Patty with 6 patties on it to Crazyfish]
SpongeBob: One super hot and delicious custom order Krabby Patty with extra sauce, mi lord. Served directly to your waiting [slips and throws the patty into Crazyfish's face] Head and neck area. Sir, please, I am so sorry.
Jack M.Crazyfish: Where I come from we settle things in a different kind of way. [play a game of rock-paper-scissors like before with SpongeBob holding out paper while Crazyfish holds out a rock but changes it to scissors]