FANDOM


This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "BlackJack" from season five, which aired on August 2, 2007.
  • [an envelope is pushed through SpongeBob's door]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Postman. Thanks, Gary. [throws some popcorn into Gary's mouth] Hm, can't read the return address. [tears the envelope open] Maybe this will shed some light. [reads the paper. The note has the words in different fonts glued to the paper] Hey, SpongeBob, it's your cousin BlackJack. Guess what? I'm out of prison and decided to pay your parents a visit. If you want to see them again, meet me for a wrestling match at their house. Try it little man. Blackjack. [end of letter] Cousin Blackjack's out of prison!?
  • Gary: Meow?
  • SpongeBob: That's right, Gary, the cousin Blackjack. The same cousin Blackjack that used to beat me up all the time when we were kids. [flashback to a younger SpongeBob with a bowtie and blue hat on. He gets his body thrown to a wall, courtesy of Blackjack's brutality]
  • Young Blackjack: [laughing] Come on, little man. Let's go a couple of rounds, if you think you're tough.
  • Young SpongeBob: Why should we?
  • Young Blackjack: Because it'll show what a little man you are. [spins SpongeBob around and plays with him as a jump rope. End of flashback. SpongeBob looks horrified from that experience]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, no. That was years ago, Gary.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: My sentiments exactly. Just imagine what he must look like now. [imagines Blackjack as a giant]
  • Blackjack: Hi, SpongeBob. It's been a while. Good to see that you're still a little man. [laughs. Picks up SpongeBob and tears him in half then laughs some more]
  • SpongeBob: That brute has my parents. I gotta get over there. [puts his clothes in a suitcase] Gary, I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't know if I'll ever come back.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: I may get beaten to a quivering pulp but I must do it, for the sake of my parents. [cries and wipes his eyes with a pair of underwear. Cuts to SpongeBob's parents' house where the building has been wrapped around with police tape and plastic] Oh, my gosh, what happened to my parents' house? What's this? "Do not cross"? Is that police tape? There's only one reason for the police being here: a crime has been committed. No! Get it together, SquarePants. To face Blackjack, you've got to be as tough as nails. [forces himself inside the house] Huh? What?! All the furniture is covered in plastic. The police must have covered everything to preserve the crime scene. What could have happened here? [walks forward a little] What's this? Blackjack smashed my family portrait. Oh, no. What has he done with my parents? [imagines his parents watching TV]
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you; what with you in the office all hours of the day. [Mr. SquarePants snorts. Blackjack busts down the door and laughs]
  • Blackjack: I got a new outfit for ya. [both parents are whimpering]
  • SpongeBob: That fiend. Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. [reads note] SpongeBob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm gonna do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. [end of note] He's gonna get Grandma, too. I have to stop him. [cut to Grandma's house] Grandma! Where are you? Are you ok? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? [sees a gingerbread man on a plate] Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp. Oh, that animal. [cries]
  • Grandma: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?
  • Grandma: Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of gingerbread men.
  • SpongeBob: But where's Blackjack?
  • Grandma: Oh, Blackjack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.
  • SpongeBob: Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?
  • Grandma: And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. [SpongeBob imagines his parents being hung over a boiler by Blackjack. He screams as his head bends and an identical head pops up from his mouth] And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.
  • SpongeBob: Cleaning up the mess? [hia face deflates] I got to get help. I'll go to Uncle Captain Blue's. He'll know what to do. [runs to Captain Blue's where he is mowing the yard. SpongeBob jumps on the lawn mower] Uncle Captain Blue, I need your help.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Well, if it isn't little SpongeBob. Plant a firm one on me, Bobby. [shakes SpongeBob's hand, but tears his arm off in the process]
  • SpongeBob: I need you to help me rescue my parents.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Sure, Little Bobby. I could use some help with the lawn, but you're gonna need this to do the job right. [hands back his arm. SpongeBob mows the lawn]
  • Narrator: 346 minutes later...
  • SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue, I need to help my parents. They're in danger.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: [turns off the mixer] What? You want to build a fence? [laughs] The boy came to work.
  • SpongeBob: Actually, I came to try to find my...
  • Uncle Captain Blue: [shoves wooden boards, hammers, and nails in SpongeBob's face] And when you're done, I've made a tomato and clam juice smoothie to refresh you. [drinks the smoothie out of the mixer] Ah. [SpongeBob builds a fence all the way around Uncle Captain Blue's property. over speaker] And how many candles you burning out there? Over. [indistinct speech and static] Do you copy? Over? [tries turning the knob] Copy? Do you copy?
  • SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue, Uncle Captain Blue? Please help me.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Well, of course you can. [SpongeBob cuts off some coral, paints the house, and fixes the boat. When he's done, it's nighttime]
  • Narrator: Much, much, much later...
  • SpongeBob: [uses his tongue to crawl to Captain Blue] I AM DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR MY MOMMY AND DADDY!!!
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Landscaping? Isn't it a little dark out for landscaping? [SpongeBob grabs the music player and yanks it out of the wall]
  • SpongeBob: Listen, Uncle Captain Blue. We don't have much time. Cousin Blackjack has my parents help captive at his house.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: They let that dangerous miscreant out of prison? Sounds like your parents are in trouble, kid.
  • SpongeBob: That's why we have to rescue them now!
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Whoa, there, Little Bobby. No can do.
  • SpongeBob: But, Uncle Captain Blue, I need the help of a crime fighter like you.
  • Uncle Captain Blue: No, no, I don't chase criminals these days. I'm retired, and if I were you, I'd consider turning around and going home. You're not cut out for this kind of work, boy. An innocent kid like you doesn't stand a chance against a criminal mind. Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you?
  • SpongeBob: You mean they won't give me a push on the swing set?
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Well, let's just say, I hope you've practiced walking without legs, or arms, or a body. But since you insist, I'll drive you all the way over to Blackjack's right now. [SpongeBob digs up the concrete with his fingers] Just try to relax until we get there. [drives 20 feet and stops] There it is. We're here. [SpongeBob gets out] Uh, lock the door behind you, kid. [SpongeBob pushes down the lock and Uncle Captain Blue drives back into his house. SpongeBob goes up the steps and then steps on a one that makes noise. A guard worm growls and barks at SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Nice wormy, nice wormy. Nice wormy. [grabs the door handle to knock, but is tapped on the shoulder by his uncle in a thought cloud]
  • Uncle Captain Blue: Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you? [SpongeBob imagines himself knocking on the door and Blackjack grabbing him through the door and using him as dental floss. He screams]
  • SpongeBob: Uncle Captain Blue is right. I'm not cut out for this. I should just turn around and go home. [Mrs. SquarePants screams] Mother! [runs through the door] Mom?
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Help me!
  • SpongeBob: They're trapped in the basement. [runs down into the basement] Mom, dad, quick! Let's get out of here.
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, but if we leave now, we'll miss the party.
  • SpongeBob: Party?
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, why, yes. We're celebrating your cousin Blackjack's release from prison.
  • Mr. SquarePants: Now if your klutzy mother can stop dropping her punch glass like she dropped that picture frame...
  • Mrs. SquarePants: I told you, Harold, that was the fumigator's fault.
  • SpongeBob: The fumigator's? So that wasn't a crime scene I saw at your house?
  • Mr. SquarePants: The only crime that ever happened at our house was the infestation of those worthless krill, but they should be gone by now.
  • SpongeBob: So, you two aren't being tortured by cousin Blackjack?
  • Mr. SquarePants: No, SpongeBob, your cousin Blackjack has paid his debt to society and renounced his criminal ways. Never again will he litter.
  • Blackjack: That's right, little man.
  • Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, well here comes the man of the hour now. He's been talking all day about playing with his little cousin again. He mentioned something about jumping rope with like the old days. [SpongeBob's eyes break]
  • Blackjack: Did you come here to quiver like a jellyfish, or did you come to wrestle?
  • SpongeBob: [whimpering] To quiver. [hides his eyes, nose, and mouth inside his head]
  • Blackjack: I always knew you were a little man. Prepare to live your past in the present. [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: [whimpering] Come on, Little Bobby. Don't let him beat you. You've got to stand up for yourself this time. That's it! I am not gonna take this anymore. I am putting my foot down. You wanna tussle? Well, let's tussle it up! [Cousin Blackjack runs at SpongeBob and hangs onto his leg. He is the size of SpongeBob's foot] Cousin Blackjack?
  • Blackjack: In the living flesh. [grunts as he takes off SpongeBob's shoe and punches his big toe]
  • SpongeBob: That tickles.
  • Blackjack: Just like the old days, eh, cousin?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, Blackjack, you haven't changed a bit. [everyone laughs]