Big Pink Loser/transcript

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• Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, where can be found some of the finest specimens of undersea life. [chuckles] Well, you know. [Patrick is sleeping and the mailfish walks by and puts a box in his open mouth as he is yawning and waking up, he grabs it and quickly opens it, and it turns out to be a shiny, gold trophy]
• Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. [arrow on top of rock breaks] Jellyfish, I got an award. [jellyfish zap him and he jumps up above the surface] Island, I got an awar... [chokes for air and floats back down] I gotta show SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: [building a house of cards looking like Gary] Hold still, Gary.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Almost done. [Patrick smashes through the wall and cards fall on the floor]
• Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, guess what? I got an award.
• SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
• Patrick: See for yourself.
• SpongeBob: [his body is facedown but his face come out and reads the award] "For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: SpongeBob SquarePants?"
• Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must've got it by mistake.
• Patrick: But, it's shiny.
• SpongeBob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
• Patrick: Ice Cream!
• SpongeBob: Exactly!
• Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
• SpongeBob: No, don't! That's my... [a bunch of awards pile out of SpongeBob's closet] ...award closet.
• Patrick: I want an award. [starts to cry]
• SpongeBob: [Spongebob with 2 1st place ribbons in his eyes] Aww, Patrick, don't cry.
• SpongeBob: You'll get an award one day.
• Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award because I haven't done anything.
• SpongeBob: But you're Patrick... [his eyes turn into stars] Star. You can do anything you want.
• Patrick: That's east for you to say. You're SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
• Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeyman and save the 9th dimension!
• SpongeBob: Me too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
• Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeyman and save the 8th dimension!
• SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks]
• Patrick: Doctor?
• SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks more]
• Patrick: Fireman?
• SpongeBob: [said in the tiny voice] The smallest you can think of. [shrinks even more]
• Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab?
• SpongeBob: [normal voice] Yeah!! I do things at work all the time.
• Patrick: Then let's go.
• Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job.
• SpongeBob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
• Squidward: Guess who just quit? [puts his hat on Patrick's head]
• Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
• SpongeBob: You have to work for it, remember?
• Patrick: Tartar sauce. [SpongeBob flipping patties]
• SpongeBob: Pick up order! [Patrick comes and eats the order]
• Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
• SpongeBob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
• Patrick: Ok. [tray gets to table but with no food. Patrick burps]
• SpongeBob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. [Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down]
• Patrick: Like that?
• SpongeBob: Nope.
• Patrick: [spits out food at the customer as he talks] Barnacles!
• SpongeBob: Let's try something different.
• SpongeBob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
• Patrick: Ai Yai ,Captain [phone rings]
• Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
• Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and starts whistling. phone rings again]
• Girl On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
• Patrick: [annoyed] No! this is Patrick! [hangs up and continues to whistle. phone rings, yet again]
• Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
• Patrick: [irritated] NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!! [puts phone down] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
• SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
• Patrick: Huh? Oh, Fishpaste!
• SpongeBob: It looks a little dusty around table 3. How about you sweep it out? [hands Patrick a broom]
• Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
• SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Patrick sweeps with the top instead of the bottom]
• Customer: Hey pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown?
• SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
• Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patrick gets mad and sweeps harder]
• Patrick: Why can't I do anything right? [bangs the bottom of the broom on the floor making dust rise all over the Krusty Krab's dining area, which makes the nearby customers start coughing]
• SpongeBob: [pushing Patrick] Kitchen!
• Patrick: I'm never going to get an award, now.
• SpongeBob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. [gets a jar and opens the lid] Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. [Patrick gets out a pickle] Patrick, that's a pickle.
• Patrick: Yes.
• SpongeBob: You need a jar. [picks up a spatula] No. [picks up his pants] No. [picks up SpongeBob] No. Try...this! [gives Patrick a jar] Now take the lid off the jar. [puts the lid in his mouth] Just relax. Lift your hand. [Patrick lifts his hand] Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. [puts his hand on counter] No, the lid.[slides his hand to the corner of the counter] [Patrick tries for the lid over and over as SpongeBob keeps telling him "the lid". Few seconds later, Patrick is almost there] Freeze!! [hand is on the side of the jar] Almost there. Now head for the lid. [hand goes lower] Cold. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!!
• Patrick: Ow, it burns!
• SpongeBob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
• Patrick: Exactly as you do. [takes lid off jar, then starts to cry] Oh, no, I broke it!
• SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
• Patrick: I did? [both cheer as Patrick throws the jar into the floor] Touchdown!, I'm jarmaster
• SpongeBob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
• Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my up? And I put it on the lid?
• SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
• Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it.
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Yeah.
• Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. [night becomes day in SpongeBob's House then clam crows everyone up] I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. [notices Patrick dressed up like him]
• Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
• Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one.
• SpongeBob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [Patrick copies SpongeBob then SpongeBob stops]
• SpongeBob: Well, back to the ol' grind.
• Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
• SpongeBob: Forget my hat.
• Patrick: Uhh, me, too.
• SpongeBob: [SpongeBob mops the floor then puts the mop up. Patrick mops the floor but makes it slippery. SpongeBob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all. Patrick follows in SpongeBob's footsteps]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [at the grill, frying patties, both whistle a tune, then stop, they both wipe their foreheads] Whew! [Spongebob drops his spatula]
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
• Patrick: Uhh, me, too. [drops spatula and bends down to pick it up. Spongebob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on. Then they both put their hands on the grill. Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds] OWWWWWWW!!!
• SpongeBob: Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
• Patrick: Yes.
• SpongeBob: Why are you doing that?
• Patrick: So I can win an award like you.
• SpongeBob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
• Patrick: Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
• SpongeBob: Say, you're good.
• Patrick: Thanks.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chin] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickled fish lips!! [both cover their mouth] Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.
• SpongeBob: [in mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
• Patrick: [in mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahh!
• SpongeBob: [he and Patrick run out of the Krusty Krab] Stop copying me!
• Patrick: There's no award for that.
• Squidward: [leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in, now. [puts hat back on and walks in]
• SpongeBob: [he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you going to keep this up?
• Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
• SpongeBob: We'll see about that!
• Patrick: No, we won't.
• SpongeBob: [takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
• Patrick: Me, too. [takes out a jump-rope]
• SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [body breaks down into pieces]
• Patrick: Oh, no you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces. Then both hit a hammer on their heads]
• SpongeBob: Not much fun being me, now, huh Patrick?
• Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. [Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy and falls on the ground. SpongeBob runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house, Spongebob gets mad]
• Patrick: My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock]
• SpongeBob: [runs into his house] I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just wants to be like me. [pushes his nose into his face and comes out of his house dressed in Patrick's normal outfit] Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not SpongeBob.
• Patrick: What's so great about being a Big Pink Loser? [SpongeBob's nose pops back out] Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
• SpongeBob: But, Patrick...
• Patrick: Patrick's not here!
• Delivery Guy: [stops in front of Spongebob and Patrick in truck] Trophy delivery! [he drives off and Spongebob has a package in his mouth]
• SpongeBob: Another trophy?
• Patrick: Oh, great! What's it for this time?
• SpongeBob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'.
• Patrick! This trophy's for you!
• Patrick: Yay! [puts trophy on head like a hat] Eee! [both rip off their present outfit to reveal their own normal outfits.
• SpongeBob: So, what are you going to do, now?
• Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. [jumps on his rock and falls asleep, the rock closes]
• Narrator: So you thought I was kidding, huh? No, in Bikini Bottom, excellence can be found, even under a rock.