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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Big Pink Loser" from season two, which aired on November 16, 2000.
  • Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, where can be found some of the finest specimens of undersea life. [chuckles] Well, you know. [Patrick is sleeping and the mailfish walks by and puts a box in his open mouth as he is yawning and waking up, he grabs it and quickly opens it, and it turns out to be a shiny, gold trophy]
  • Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. [arrow on top of rock breaks] Jellyfish, I got an award. [jellyfish zap him and he jumps up above the surface] Island, I got an awar... [chokes for air and floats back down] I gotta show SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: [building a house of cards looking like Gary] Hold still, Gary.
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Almost done. [Patrick smashes through the wall and cards fall on the floor; Gary flies away]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, guess what? I got an award.[SpongeBob falls down to the floor]
  • SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
  • Patrick: See for yourself.
  • SpongeBob: [his body is facedown but his face come out and reads the award] "For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: SpongeBob SquarePants?"
  • Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must've got it by mistake.
  • Patrick: But, it's shiny. [SpongeBob takes the trophy]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
  • Patrick: Ice cream!
  • SpongeBob: Exactly!
  • Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
  • SpongeBob: No, don't! That's my... [Patrick opens the door and a bunch of awards pile out of SpongeBob's closet] ...award closet.
  • Patrick: I want an award. [starts to cry]
  • SpongeBob: [has two 1st place ribbons in his eyes] Aww, Patrick, don't cry.
  • [Patrick starts sobbing loudly going away from the awards]
  • SpongeBob: You'll get an award one day.
  • Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award 'cause I've never done anything.
  • SpongeBob: But you're Patrick... [jumps on Patrick and his eyes turn into stars] Star. You can do anything you want.
  • Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
  • Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeyman and save the 9th dimension!
  • SpongeBob: Me too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
  • Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeyman and save the 8th dimension!
  • SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks]
  • Patrick: Doctor?
  • SpongeBob: Smaller. [shrinks more]
  • Patrick: Fireman?
  • SpongeBob: [In a tiny voice] The smallest you can think of. [shrinks even more]
  • Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab?
  • SpongeBob: [normal voice] Yeah! [grows to normal size] I do things at work all the time.
  • Patrick: Then let's go. [Patrick runs off, pulling off SpongeBob's arm]
  • Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job.
  • SpongeBob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
  • Squidward: Guess who just quit? [puts his hat on Patrick's head and then leaves]
  • Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
  • SpongeBob: You have to work for it, remember?
  • Patrick: Tartar sauce. [SpongeBob flipping patties]
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob places the order in the window] Pick up order! [Patrick comes and eats the order]
  • Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
  • SpongeBob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
  • Patrick: Ok. [tray gets to table but with no food; Patrick burps]
  • SpongeBob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. [Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down]
  • Patrick: Like that?
  • SpongeBob: Nope.
  • Patrick: [spits out food at the customer as he talks] Barnacles!
  • SpongeBob: Let's try something different.
  • SpongeBob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
  • Patrick: Aye aye, Captain! [phone rings]
  • Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
  • Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and starts whistling; phone rings again]
  • Girl on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
  • Patrick: [annoyed] No! This is Patrick! [hangs up and continues to whistle; phone rings yet again]
  • Another Guy on Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
  • Patrick: [infuriated] No! This is Patrick! [puts phone down and folds his arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
  • Patrick: Huh? Oh, Fishpaste!
  • SpongeBob: It looks a little dusty around Table 3. How about you sweep it out? [hands Patrick a broom]
  • Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
  • SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Patrick sweeps with the top side of the broom instead of the bottom]
  • Nat: [approaches Patrick] Hey pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown? [continues drinking]
  • SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
  • Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patrick becomes furious and sweeps harder]
  • Patrick: Why can't I do anything right?! [bangs the bottom of the broom on the floor making dust rise all over the Krusty Krab's dining area, which makes the nearby customers start coughing]
  • SpongeBob: [pushing Patrick] Kitchen!
  • Patrick: [throws the broom to the floor] I'm never gonna get an award, now.
  • SpongeBob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. [gets a jar and opens the lid] Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. [Patrick gets out a pickle] Patrick, that's a pickle.
  • Patrick: Yes.
  • SpongeBob: You need a jar. [Patrick picks up a spatula] No. [Patrick picks up his pants] No. [Patrick picks up SpongeBob] No. Try...this! [gives Patrick a jar] Now take the lid off the jar. [puts the lid in his mouth] Just relax. Lift your hand. [Patrick lifts his hand] Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. [puts his hand on counter] No, the lid. [slides his hand to the corner of the counter] [Patrick tries for the lid over and over as SpongeBob keeps telling him "the lid", Patrick pants due to exhaustion; few seconds later, Patrick is almost there] Freeze!! [hand is on the side of the jar] Almost there. Now head for the lid. [hand goes lower] Cold. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. [hand goes higher] Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!
  • Patrick: Ow, it burns!
  • SpongeBob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly as I do. [takes it off again] Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
  • Patrick: Exactly as you do. [takes lid off jar, then starts to cry] Oh, no, I broke it!
  • SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
  • Patrick: I did? [both cheer as Patrick throws the jar onto the floor] Touchdown! I'm jarmaster!
  • SpongeBob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
  • Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my hand up? And I put it on the lid?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
  • Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Yeah.
  • Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. [night becomes day in SpongeBob's house then clam crows everyone up] I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. [notices Patrick dressed up like him]
  • Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
  • Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one.
  • SpongeBob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... [Patrick copies SpongeBob then SpongeBob stops] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Well, back to the ol' grind.
  • Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
  • SpongeBob: Forget my hat.
  • Patrick: Uh, me, too.
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob mops the floor then puts the mop up; Patrick mops the floor but he makes the floor wet; SpongeBob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all; Patrick follows in SpongeBob's footsteps; SpongeBob glares at him]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [at the grill, frying patties, both whistle a tune, then stop, they both wipe their foreheads] Whew! [SpongeBob drops his spatula]
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]
  • Patrick: Uhh, me, too. [drops spatula and bends down to pick it up; SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on, then they both put their hands on the grill; Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds] Ow!
  • SpongeBob: Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!
  • Patrick: Yes.
  • SpongeBob: Why are you doing that?
  • Patrick: So I can win an award like you.
  • SpongeBob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
  • Patrick: Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]
  • SpongeBob: Say, you're good.
  • Patrick: Thanks.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickled fish lips!! [both cover their mouths] Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.
  • SpongeBob: [in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
  • Patrick: [in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming]
  • SpongeBob: [he and Patrick run out of the Krusty Krab] Stop copying me!
  • Patrick: There's no award for that!
  • Squidward: [leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts hat back on and walks back in]
  • SpongeBob: [he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?
  • Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
  • SpongeBob: We'll see about that!
  • Patrick: No, we won't.
  • SpongeBob: [takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
  • Patrick: Me, too. [takes out a jump-rope]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [body breaks down into pieces]
  • Patrick: Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then both hit a hammer on their heads]
  • SpongeBob: Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. [SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice; Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy, trophies appear and spin around his head, and falls on the ground; SpongeBob runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head]
  • Patrick: My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock]
  • SpongeBob: [runs into his house] I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just wants to be like me. [pushes his nose into his face and comes out of his house dressed in Patrick's normal outfit] Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: What's so great about being a big pink loser? [SpongeBob's nose pops back out] Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
  • SpongeBob: But, Patrick...
  • Patrick: Patrick's not here!
  • Delivery Guy: [stops in front of SpongeBob and Patrick in truck] Trophy delivery! [he drives off and Spongebob has a package in his mouth]
  • SpongeBob: Another trophy?
  • Patrick: Oh, great! [SpongeBob opens the package] What's it for THIS time?
  • SpongeBob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! This trophy's for you!
  • Patrick: Yay! [puts trophy on his head like a hat] Eee! [both rip off their present outfits to reveal their own normal outfits]
  • SpongeBob: So, what are you gonna do, now?
  • Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. [jumps on his rock and falls asleep, the rock closes]
  • Narrator: So you thought I was kidding, huh? No, in Bikini Bottom, excellence can be found, even under a rock.