[At the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is cooking Krabby Patties, and hears them sizzle. A big puff of steam comes up. SpongeBob sniffs it in, exhales it in the shape of a heart, then kisses it]
SpongeBob: I know I've said this 90 times already but... ♪I love Krabby Patties I think that they are swell. They are the best There's no contest And now I'm going to yell.♪ Whew! [SpongeBob fills his holes up with air while Squidward walks to the soda machine with a box of cups, and makes a replica of a house of cards with cups. SpongeBob then becomes like a circle, then exhales, which causes the music to continue] ♪I love Krabby Patties! I think they're swell. They're so neat and quite a treat And how I love the way they smell... La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.♪
Squidward:[the house of cards falls down] I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.
SpongeBob: ♪La la la la laaaaaaa... la la la la!♪
[a tour bus comes out with Ms. Priss dusting the ground, coming out, and blowing a whistle that signals more ladies that are similar to her. Mr. Krabs is at the door wearing a viking helmet for some reason]
Mr. Krabs: Hello, and welcome one, and all your money to ye olde Krusty Krabbie!
Ms. Priss: Come along, sisters. Pay no mind to this crimson abomination! [Crimson is a shade of red. Priss walks into restaurant with sisters in single file behind her, stopping at the register and Squidward, who is reading a "Gossip" Magazine]
Squidward:[Notices Priss and screams]
Ms. Priss: Greetings. Although your establishment seems repugnant and foul in nature, it seems not to offend our sensitivities. It is for that reason, plus the fact that we have been stuck on a tour bus for several days, that my sisters and I would like to eat something here.
Squidward: Okay. But first let me call the mortician and tell him his uniform's been stolen. [Squidward cracks up] Clothing zinger!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! These wretched hags-I mean, these little lovely ladies-are obviously here to eat. So let's sell 'em- I mean, serve them some delicious Krabby Patties!
Ms. Priss: Well, Mister...um...
Mr. Krabs:[Pulls eyes off like a top hat] Krabs, my lady. [Places them back]
Ms. Priss: Mr. Krabs, you know the basic rules of behaving like a civilized bottom feeder. Perhaps your restaurant isn't quite the hive of degenerates it appears to be, and we had you figured all wrong.
Mr. Krabs: 'Course ya did, because you're about to find out. SpongeBob!
SpongeBob:[comes with tray of Krabby Patties and sings] ♪Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... I like Krabby Patties! I think they're swell. I like Krabby Patties And you cannot tell. Krabby Patties Krabby Patties. They're so neat. La la la la la. Sweet to eat. La la la la la. Really neat. Really neat. Treat that's neat. Sweet treat sweet treat. [Utter Gibberish] La la la la la la la la laaaaaaaa!♪
Ms. Priss:[blows her whistle, causing everyone to flinch and make SpongeBob fall on the floor, Patties and all] Look at this wild hooligan. Running amok, singing, dancing. It's... [Zooms in on Priss's face] It's shamelessly disgusting. Avert your eyes. Young man, what has caused you to act like this? I must know!
SpongeBob: Actually, ma'am, [holds up a Krabby Patty] it was the absolute fun and deliciousness of a Krabby Patty.
Ms. Priss: Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: Yeah, that's right.
Ms. Priss: Well, anything this fun and delicious can be good. Why, what would this world be if everyone cavorted it in such a manner?
Mr. Krabs:[Outraged] Who are you with your tight lips, raised eyebrows, and conservative clothes?
Ms. Priss: I am Ms. Gristlepuss. We are The United Organization Of Fish Against Things That Are Fun And Delicious. Or, TUOOFATAFAD. And we are going to ban these so called "Krabby Patties", and close your restaurant forever!
Mr. Krabs: What the...! [SpongeBob cuts in]
SpongeBob: Ms. Gristlepuss, maybe if you were to taste the Krabby Patty for yourself, you too could experience the awesome pleasure.
Ms. Priss: I would soon sprout legs and do the Watusi!
SpongeBob: Ooh! Okay.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, it don't matter anyway, lad. [Mockingly] She can't close us down.
[cut to the Krusty Krab locked up and has a "Closed" sign on it]
Mr. Krabs:[Shouting] She closed us down! I'm ruined! [cries] Curse ye! How did it come to this?
Squidward: You called Ms. Gristlepuss a disgusting old prune and you threatened her with a french-fry strainer.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I didn't know her husband was the chief of police!
[Cut to behind SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs, where Priss and 4 look-alikes stand in front of a muscular police officer going into a police car]
Ms. Priss: Thanks again, Al.
Al: Any time, honey. I'll see you at home for dinner. Mmm! [licks his lips] I'm starving. [drives away] Yee-haw!
Ms. Priss: I just love that man.
[Cut back to Mr. Krabs tugging at the lock on the Krusty Krab teary-eyed, then to SpongeBob and Squidward sitting]
Squidward: How long has he been standing over there?
SpongeBob:[Looks at watch] Uh, 4 days.
[Mr. Krabs walks over]
Mr. Krabs: It's no use! [Raises claws, which become weird-like] I'm ruined! [Cries and runs away]
SpongeBob: You know, it's too bad. The only way to make Krabby Patties again would be if you opened up a place that didn't look like a restaurant and did it secretly.
Mr. Krabs:[Comes right back] That's it! A secret Krusty Krab.! [Whispering] And I know just where to open it.
[Cut to SpongeBob's pineapple house, where Squidward is painting a banner that says "Grand Opening! The SECRET Krusty Krab!". Cut to inside the house. Mr. Krabs is dusting the cash register]
Mr. Krabs: There ya are, Betsy! All good as new! [Kisses register as SpongeBob enters through door]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I-
Mr. Krabs:[Screams in shock]
SpongeBob: Whoa, sorry. I was just wondering-
Mr. Krabs: You know, lad, I can remember a time when people used to knock before entering someone else's home!
SpongeBob: Yeah, but...this is my home.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah...
[Patrick walks in]
Patrick: Hey guys!
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Thanks for helping out today!
Patrick: You bet! Now, where do you want these extra buns? [Holds up an empty bag]
SpongeBob:[Points to bag] Patrick, that bag is totally empty.
[Patrick then lets out a big burp]
[Cut to a telescope sighting of the Krusty Krab sign, with a plank on it that says "Closed", then to Plankton with a small telescope in hand]
Plankton: Happy day, Karen! That fool Krabs changed the name of his restaurant to the closed Krab! Everyone will think it's closed, and come eat here instead! He'll be ruined by tomorrow! [chuckles] What an idiot!
Karen: It is closed.
Karen: Ms. Gristlepuss and her husband banned Krabby Patties for being fun and delicious.
Plankton: Banned? Then that means, my day of reckoning has come at last! I won, I tell you! I've won! And what better way than by default? [Gets a tiny coat and tiny hat off a tiny rack]
Karen: Where are you going?
Plankton: Oh, out to celebrate. [Opens tiny automatic door and exits] Don't wait up for me! [Door closes. Cut to a line to the secret Krusty Krab]
Harold:[Gets pushed] Quit shoving.
Nat: I wasn't shoving. I was going like that and you happened to be standing there.
Harold: That's called shoving.
Nat: No, it isn't.
Harold: Yes, it is.
Nat: Nope! [Plankton arrives]
Plankton: Excuse me, gents! But what's with all the hullabaloo?
Harold: We're just waiting in line to buy a Krabby Patty.
Plankton: Krabby Patty?! [He notices the secret restaurant and steam comes out of him]
Patrick:[Opens door to let out a customer] Thank you, come again! [Closes door, opens tiny hatch] Can I help whoever's next, please? [Plankton cuts to the front of the line with a ladder and climbs up to the hatch] What's the password, please?
Plankton: What are you talking about, you gargantuan buffoon?
Patrick: That's it! [Opens door] Come right in!
Plankton: Curse you! [Falls to the ground. Cut to the restaurant area where people enjoy their Krabby Patties. Gary serves as a waiter here]
Squidward: So, would you like to secret-size that for two dollars more?
Customer: Of course!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Squidwart. You haven't seen any sign of... you know... [whispers] the cops! Have ya?
Squidward: Did you just call me "Squidwart"?
Mr. Krabs: Okay, thanks. I'm gonna see what SpongeBob's doing. [Goes to kitchen] Hey, SpongeBob! SpongeBob? [SpongeBob is shuddering under his table] SpongeBob? What are you doing under the table?
SpongeBob: If Krabby Patties are illegal now, aren't we breaking the law?
Mr. Krabs: There's an old saying, lad. What doesn't kill ya... usually succeeds in the second attempt.
SpongeBob: But what does that have to do with making Krabby Patties?
Mr. Krabs: Nothing! But if don't get out there and start cooking, I'll make ya start taking weekends off!
SpongeBob:[runs from the table] Nooooooo!
Plankton:[spying on Mr. Krabs] So, Mr. Krabs is operating under the table, huh? Well, two can play at that game!
[cut to the phone in the library. A hook attached to a rope is thrown onto the phone and Plankton climbs onto it]
Plankton:[pants] Being a ruthless mastermind sure takes a lot outta here. [dials a phone number]
Al: Hello, this is officer Al, chief of police.
Plankton: Cops, I need you!
[cuts to police cars going towards the secret restaurant. Miss Priss rides in Al's car]
Miss Priss:[points to restaurant] There! [they arrive and people flee from them. Cut to the entrance. There was a knock on the door]
Patrick:[opens hatch] What's the pas- [the police bust in and the door falls on Patrick] Nope, that's not it!
[people are screaming as the police invade the house. Plankton lifts up the bun from a Krabby Patty and laughs. Three fish flee the couch and a S.W.A.T. team member beats up the Krabby Patties. They also run over Gary, who is dizzy and retreats into his shell. They pack up Krabby Patties in huge bags]
Miss Priss: You missed one!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, Ms. Gristlepuss! I'm sorry we sold Krabby Patties. But do you really have to send us to jail?
Miss Priss: Of course I do! You are a nuisance to my community!
Al: You tell him, honey! Ha! [eats a Krabby Patty] That's my girl!
Miss Priss:[gasp] Al! What are doing!?
Al: Having some lunch.
Miss Priss: Unhand that sandwich at once! [runs towards him]
SpongeBob: Ms. Gristlepuss! Look out!
Miss Priss: What?
SpongeBob: Your shoe's untied!
Miss Priss: It is? [trips] Oh! [falls down on the ground. The Krabby Patty flies from Al's hand]
Al:[slow-motion] Oooooohhh... [in slow-motion, the Krabby Patty falls into Miss Priss's mouth. She chews and swallows it as Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, and Al stare at her. She then opens her mouth]
Miss Priss: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh ♪Aaaaaaahhhhhh!♪ [she turns happy and bursts into song] ♪I like Krabby Patties! I think they're swell. Can you not tell? Krabby Patties, Krabby Patties, they're so sweet! La la la la la la la la la la♪
SpongeBob:[imitates her voice] ♪La la la la la la la la laaaaaaaa!♪ Really neat. [chuckles]
Miss Priss: ♪Sweet to eat!♪
SpongeBob: ♪Treat that's neat!♪
Miss Priss & SpongeBob:[utter gibberish] ♪Aaaaaaannndddd...♪ [they drop to the ground] ♪dismount!♪
Miss Priss: That was wonderful! I... I feel... reborn!
SpongeBob: Does that mean you're not sending us to the Slammer?
Miss Priss: Of course, my dear boy. I'm a kind, gentle fish. And I owe it all to you.
SpongeBob: Don't forget the spatula! [Mr. Krabs, Miss Priss, Al, and others laugh. Al goes towards Miss Priss]
Miss Priss: Don't push it, Al.
Plankton:[lifts bun from a Krabby Patty] Darn it! Argh! Once again, so close and yet so far! When am I gonna- oh! [He hides in the patty as Miss Priss picks it up]
Miss Priss: Well, I think I'll have another one. [bites it, revealing Plankton]
Plankton: Oh dear. [He screams as Miss Priss goes for a second bite. A "The End" card is shown and a gulp sound can be heard]