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Artist Unknown (transcript)

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Transcript Information
Artist Unknown
General
Season №: 2
Episode №: 38b
Airdate: September 21, 2001
Chronology
Previous: "Sailor Mouth"
Next: "Jellyfish Hunter"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Artist Unknown" from season two, which aired on September 21, 2001.

  • Squidward: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Professor of Art. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Bikini Bottom. Bring me your huddle masses of bored house wives and I will shape them into my image. [wife's head turns into Squidward's] And I'll go down in history, someday. And there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world.
  • Janitor: Dude, you're teaching art at the Rec Center. Calm down.
  • Squidward: Uncultured trash urchin. 9am. Time to let the class in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer. [opens door] Welcome to art class!
  • Nat: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry. [everyone leaves except one]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Are you taking this art class, too?
  • Squidward: SpongeBob? In art class? Wait! This is cooking! Come back! You gotta be kidding.
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] This is great! You and me in school together. So, where's the teacher?
  • Squidward: You're looking at him.
  • SpongeBob: You are the teacher? To my pupil? This isn't art class, it's Heaven.
  • Squidward: Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get on with it.
  • SpongeBob: I'm ready, Mr. Tentacles.
  • Squidward: So, you wanna be an artist, eh, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes, please.
  • Squidward: Well, art is not all fun and games. It's a lot of hard work. Ok. First, repeat after me: I have no talent.
  • SpongeBob: I have no talent.
  • Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
  • Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent will rub off on me.
  • SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art. [smiles. The scene cuts to Squidward with a sad look on his face, the camera cuts back to SpongeBob and he is still smiling, the camera again cuts back to Squidward]
  • Squidward: Whatever. Ok. Since you're telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one. [draws a crooked circle, then laughs] Am I going to fast for you SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward?
  • Squidward: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process.
  • SpongeBob: Well, first I draw this head. [draws an amazing head] Then I erase some of the more detailed features. And one, two, three. A circle, uhh, thingy.
  • Squidward: Gimme that. [crumples paper] Forget the circles.
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, nice one Squidward. Let me try. [laughs] Looky, Squidward. It's you and me playing leapfrog. That's you on the bottom.
  • Squidward: Gimme that. [rips up paper] There is nothing artistic about leapfrog. [SpongeBob puts pieces together] What are you doing, now?
  • SpongeBob: I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped of paper, and make a new picture out of it. See? You're on top...this...time. [blows paper]
  • Squidward: Do you want to learn art, or not?
  • SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, I'll listen.
  • Squidward: Alright, SpongeBob, pay close attention. Look at your marble. Visualize the sculpture within. And... [hits marble with tools and it becomes pieces]
  • SpongeBob: [hits marble with tools and it becomes a perfect sculpture] How's this Squidward?
  • Squidward: [starry-eyed] It's beautiful! [a tear falls from his eyes] I mean, this isn't a sculpture. [SpongeBob's lip starts quivering] A good sculpture takes... more time. You can't just sculpt Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. [SpongeBob wipes away a tear] Otherwise, you'll never get passed Amateur Hour, here. Besides, you've got the nose wrong. [Squidward puts a nose like his on the sculpture] There, now it's art.
  • SpongeBob: Ohhh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Squidward. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shoved your lessons. [falls down and starts crying] I'll never be a great artist like you! I don't deserve your tutoring. I don't deserve to be in your presence. [crawls over to the front door and looks back at Squidward] I don't even deserve to use your doors! [the doors open, hitting SpongeBob out the window into the garbage dumpster head-first]
  • Monty: Hello, there.
  • SpongeBob: But I did deserve that. [the dumpster closes on top of him] I deserved that, too. [garbage man takes SpongeBob to dump] And I deserve this!
  • Monty: Good day, sir.
  • Squidward: Sorry, class dismissed. You're too late.
  • Monty: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Monty P. Moneybags.
  • Squidward: World famous art collector?
  • Monty: The one and only.
  • Squidward: Well, what are you doing here?
  • Monty: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying art for my new museum.
  • Squidward: Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artiste. I call this one: "Squidward en repose".
  • Monty: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.
  • Squidward: Why not?
  • Monty: Because, it's an art collection. [laughs]
  • Squidward: How about this one? I call it: Bold and Brash.
  • Monty: More like: Belongs in the Trash. [laughs]
  • Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one. [grabs the painting and throws it in the trash]
  • Monty: Maybe I should be...huh? What is that?
  • Squidward: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh...
  • Monty: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship. This is the work of a true genius. Hello? What this? This is the only flaw. [removes the nose Squidward added on] Ah, that's more like it. I simply must find the artist responsible. He shall have fame.
  • Squidward: Fame. [Squidward imagines himself as popular]
  • Monty: Fortune.
  • Squidward: Fortune. [Squidward imagines himself in a tub full of money]
  • Monty: Anything his heart desires.
  • Squidward: Anything? [Squidward imagines himself with hair] It's me. It's me. I'm responsible.
  • Monty: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal!! Now, uh, help me get this in the car.
  • Squidward: I could use a little help. [sculptures head falls off and turns into dust] My fame, my fortune, my hair.
  • Monty: Well, that's a bit a bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for an artist of your magnitude. You can whip up another one.
  • Squidward: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off.
  • Monty: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. [laughs]
  • Squidward: Yeah, no socks. Ok, see you tomorrow. Bye. I gotta find SpongeBob!! [at dump] SpongeBob...SpongeBob? SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Go away, Squidward. I don't deserve your kindness.
  • Squidward: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible.
  • SpongeBob: Don't look at me Squidward. Don't look at my shame. These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them. [SpongeBob's hands pop off and run into a soup can]
  • Squidward: Aww, c'mon SpongeBob. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of beauty.
  • SpongeBob: Really?
  • Squidward: Really!
  • SpongeBob: Really?
  • Squidward: Really!
  • SpongeBob: Really?
  • Squidward: Really.
  • SpongeBob: Wow. [pause] Really?
  • Squidward: Let's go.
  • SpongeBob: [notices a painting in the dump] Squidward, look. It's ol' Bold and Brash!
  • Squidward: Gimme that. [back at classroom] Ok, SpongeBob. Just do what you did before.
  • SpongeBob: I...can't!
  • Squidward: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again.
  • SpongeBob: I did it, Squidward. [draws a crooked circle]
  • Squidward: Huh? But, but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the...
  • SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That stuff's not in the book.
  • Squidward: Uhh... [crumples paper] How about this, huh? Remember?
  • SpongeBob: That's not in the book, either.
  • Squidward: Forget about the book. [rips book] Ha! Look at all this mess SpongeBob. What do all these little pieces of paper make you want to do.
  • SpongeBob: Wait, I know this. Oh, wait, I think I got it. [puts book back together] Ta-da! [Squidward's nose melts off his face]
  • Squidward: Ok, SpongeBob. Let's just move onto the marble.
  • SpongeBob: First, an artist must concentrate and visualize his concept.
  • Squidward: Now you've got it.
  • SpongeBob: I've gotta embrace the marble!
  • Squidward: Right.
  • SpongeBob: I've gotta sniff the marble!
  • Squidward: Well, uh, ok.
  • SpongeBob: I've gotta lick the marble!
  • Squidward: Uhh...
  • SpongeBob: [washes the marble in a washing machine] I've gotta wash the marble! I've gotta date the marble! [expands himself so that he's the same size as the marble] I've gotta be the marble! I've got it! I have see the sculpture within.
  • Squidward: Here you go, buddy. [hands him sculpting tools]
  • SpongeBob: With this tool, I shall give birth to art.
  • Squidward: Oh, boy. [SpongeBob taps marble with tool and breaks into pieces]
  • SpongeBob: But, one more thing. [puts Squidward's nose on it] There. Now it's art. Well, what do you think, Squidward? Just take it all in for a moment. Let it soak in. [Squidward gets crazy, runs though the marble and kicks two marbles, eating a part of the marble, he takes paint, squeezes it, kicks a picture, destroy the marble into 4 pieces and destroy the other marbles] It looks like the excitement of my artistic triumph is too much for Squidward. Oh, well, back to the dump. [runs through the wall and down the road] To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump. To the dump, to the dump, To the dump, dump dump.
  • Monty: I'm here for the...what the? Who is responsible for this?
  • Squidward: As of now, it's his responsibility. [puts hat on janitor's head] Good day to you, sir. [it is revealed that when Squidward smashed all of the marble together, he created an even better sculpture than the first one and left without even seeing it]
  • Monty: [to janitor] You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!

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