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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Accidents Will Happen" from season eight, which aired on July 18, 2011.

  • [Transitions to the Krusty Krab, which is surrounded by boats. In his office, Mr. Krabs is checking his money records. He hears shouting from outside]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. Sounds like a mutiny. [he goes outside and gasps] What the...?! [The restaurant is filled with customers shouting angrily] What in Neptune's knickers is this?! [A customer grabs him]
  • Frank (lifeguard): Where's the dude in the boat, man? WHERE'S THE DUDE IN THE BOAT?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Ooooh! You mean Mr. Squidward. [he turns and points] Well, he's at his post right over the... [the wooden boat is empty] Where's me cashier?! [He looks down at the Frank, who's still holding his arm. He glares at him, and pulls his arm away. Mr. Krabs bursts into the kitchen] SPONGEBOB! Where in Poseidon's pantyhoes is that sorry excuse for a cashier?
  • SpongeBob: Sorry excuse for a cash-?" Oooooh! You mean Squidward.
  • Mr. Krabs: [sighs] Yes. I mean Squidward. WHERE IS HE?!
  • SpongeBob: He's in the storage room. Says he's working on something requiring... [in a whisper] ...complete privacy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oooooh. He requires [privacy], does he? [the sound of a chain snapping is heard, followed by a loud crash. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs burst into the storage room] What's all the ruckus?! [A shelf has partially collapsed, and there are buns scattered in a heap all over the floor. Squidward emerges from the pile, rubbing his head and groaning. Mr. Krabs gasps] Oh no! Please, no! This is terrible! [he bursts into tears] Are you hurt?
  • Squidward: Oh, well. Thank you for ask-
  • Mr. Krabs: I wasn't talking to you! [He picks up some of the buns] Don't worry, papa's here. [he bursts into tears again]
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs continues sobbing] Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs sobs even louder] MR. KRABS! [he stops sobbing] Your shelf collapsed on me, and I twisted my ankle! [He lifts up his tentacle, which is badly twisted]
  • Mr. Krabs: I didn't even know you had ankles.
  • Squidward: As if working here wasn't bad enough, now I've been injured on the job.
  • Mr. Krabs: Injured? On the job?! Oh no! That would mean...
  • SpongeBob: It's all right here, Mr. Krabs.[Mr. Krabs turns and looks as SpongeBob moves some boxes aside to reveal a poster with "OWS" written on it] The Bikini Bottom OWS Worker Safety Guidlines. Let's see, it says here...blah blah blah blah, accident... blah blah blah blah, owner negligence... blah blah blah blah, substantial fines.
  • Mr. Krabs: Substantial fines?! [he turns back to Squidward, laughing nervously] You know, Squidward... uh... I can't really let the OWS hear about this, you know. [laughs nervously. Squidward smirks]
  • Squidward: Really? Well, maybe I should give them a call. [picks up a phone]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well now, Squidward! [laughs nervously] Let's not be hasty! [Squidward puts down the phone] I'll take care of your poor little ankle personally. [he turns around] SpongeBob! Squidward needs first aid [SpongeBob looks delighted]
  • SpongeBob: First aid? Fear not, injured co-worker, [he runs over to Squidward, now wearing a hospital hat and jacket and a stethoscope] for I am certified.
  • Squidward: Oh, no no no, don't touch me! [SpongeBob grabs Squidward's nose and runs his stethoscope over it] SpongeBob, would you mind letting go of my nose?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, sure. [he lets go of Squidward's nose, and it flies back, hitting Squidward]
  • Squidward: Ow! [he takes the end of SpongeBob's stethoscope and shouts into the end of it] GET AWAY FROM ME!!! Well, this is it! I'm reporting you to the OWS!
  • Mr. Krabs: [screams] Please don't report me to the OWS. I'll do anything. Anything for you.
  • Squidward: Hmm? Anything? [cuts to scene where Mr. Krabs lays Squidward down]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now if you need anything, just let me know.
  • Squidward: I could sure use a pillow.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ok.
  • Squidward: And another one for my foot. Fluff it.
  • Mr. Krabs: [angered] What did you say?
  • Squidward: I said, "fluff it."
  • Mr. Krabs: [mocking tone] fluff your pillow, I'll fluff your pillow.
  • Squidward: [angered] What?
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh nothing.
  • Squidward: And also, looks like you'll have to take over for me.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, at least there's not that much customers anyway. [anchovies meep] Of course. [cuts to seen where SpongeBob holds a clipboard.]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I finished the OWS report. Question 1: Was the accident the cause of criminal negligence. [Mr. Krabs screams] Mr. Krabs, what is criminal negligence.
  • Mr. Krabs: It's what criminals wear when they go to bed. [whispering] I'm I think Mr. Squidward is hiding something from us, and I want you to figure out what it is.
  • SpongeBob: Can do, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Shhhh. [whispering] You gotta keep it a secret from Squidward. [Cuts to scene where SpongeBob tries to figure out the cause of the accident]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm? Huh? If I'm gonna solve this problem, I'm gonna need an assistant. [Cuts to scene where Patrick is shown] Ok, when you take a bun, I'm gonna hit you with the shelf. [Patrick shouts] Looks like we'll have to do it again.
  • Patrick: Uhh, do what again? Ow!
  • SpongeBob: Ok, one more time.
  • Patrick: Ow! [cuts to scene where Squidward relaxes on Krusty Krab roof]
  • Squidward: After tea, I'd like a tentacle massage.
  • Mr. Krabs: I ain't touching your tentacles with a 10-ft pole...
  • Squidward: [on phone] Hello, Office Workers Safety Department....[Mr. Krabs jumps at Squidward ripping the phone out of his hand. Then appearing to eat it.]
  • Mr. Krabs: I'll be right back. How's the solution coming?
  • SpongeBob: Not happening yet, but we're working on it. [Mr. Krabs sighs]
  • Squidward: [clearing throat] I'm waiting!
  • Mr. Krabs: Coming!
  • Frankie Billy: [clearing throat] Anybody there? Hello?
  • Mr. Krabs: [angered, muttering] Oh, for the love of peat moss.
  • Frankie Billy: Uh aren't you gonna wash your......[groaning]
  • Mr. Krabs: How long do I need to keep this up?
  • Squidward: Oh, it's gonna be a long full recovery. Time to pop my back barnacles. [Mr. Krabs screams & then cries] [customers mutter in anger]
  • OWS Manager: Office Working Safety Department.
  • Mr. Krabs: [sighs] Squidward, after all I've done for you, you've called the OWS.
  • SpongeBob: He didn't call him Mr. Krabs, we did. We some help with the investigation. Right Patrick?
  • Patrick: Uh, breakfast, green, Finland. [cuts to scene where they all investigate the accident]
  • OWS Manager: So, this is where the accident occurred. Can anyone tell me what happened.
  • Squidward: I'll be glad to. [in despair] I mean, I can live the whole tragic episode, if I must. It was just another day at the Krusty Krab, I was at the register, giving it a nice shine between orders, when something a party bun with 10 seeds, instead of 11. Now I wasn't about to stand by and watch a customer go without all his guaranteed nutrients and vitamins. So I stung in to action."
  • Squidward: "Excuse me, sir.
  • Frankie Billy: What a nice and charming individual.
  • Squidward: Thats when I entered the back room get a new bun, and just when I was about to reach one, I heard a slight creek. The chained snapped, and then, wham! I I lay on the floor for nearly six hours crying softly for help. [crying] Help! H-help! Help. But the worst part was that I didn't get that kind gentleman his new bun.
  • OWS Manager: Oh, I see. As you know, certain penalties are involved. [types random numbers while Mr. Krabs cries] One... dollar!
  • Mr. Krabs: [blinking, gasping] No!! Oh, Why, why, why?! [gasps] Hold on a sec. That's my security surveillance camera.
  • Squidward: [shocked] WHAT?!?
  • Mr. Krabs: I yeah I forgot. I borrowed that from the airport. Now, let's see what really happened here. [Squidward is going to the bun shelf, but what he does is sleep on it, soon the chain breaks and Squidward falls unharmed under the buns, Mr. Krabs gasps] You faker! Not to mention that you were sleeping on the job! [sighs deeply, forcing Squidward to the ground]
  • Squidward: What are you going to do to me?
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna make you pay.
  • Squidward: Oh, no! [cuts to scene where Krabs gets pampered. Krabs sighs. Squid gasps. When Squidward starts to pop some of the barnacles on Mr. Krabs back he screams in sorrow.]

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