This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "A SquarePants Family Vacation" from season eight, which aired on November 11, 2011.
(Mr. Krabs walks out from his house)
Mr. Krabs: Please be money, please be money. (Pulls out postcard from mailbox.) Oh! That's not money. It's from SpongeBob. (Reads postcard) "Dear Mr. Krabs, please come to my house tonight. I am having a free money party." Free money party!? "This sounds too good to be true!"
(Cuts to scene at Squidward by his mailbox)
Squidward: (Reads postcard) "Dear Squidward, come tomy house tonight I am having a latte sipping contest. This sound too good to be true!"
(Cuts to Sandy Cheeks treedome)
Sandy: (Reading postcard) "Please come by my house tonight. I'm having a science fair. Oh SpongeBob this sounds plumb good to be true!" (Science experiment fizzes)
(Cuts to Larry the Lobster lifting weights)
Larry: (Reading postcard) "Um..I am having a weight lifting competiton! This sounds too good to be true!"
(Cuts to Mrs. Puff)
Mrs. Puff: (Gasps while reading postcard) "A quiet evening studying the rules of the road? That sounds too good to be true."
(Cuts to the Chum Bucket and Plankton)
Plankton: (Reading postcard) "A meeting of the minds to dicuss the downfall of the Krusty Krab? This sounds too good to be true!"
(Cuts to Mr. Krabs knocking on SpongeBob's door)
SpongeBob: Welcome friends! Please come in!
(The gang walks in)
SpongeBob: I'm so you all could make it! Tonight is going to be a magical evening filled with... magic!
Mr. Krabs: Eh... SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: "Yes, Mr. Krabs?"
Mr. Krabs: Can we skip the magic and get right to the free money?
Squidward: What about the latte sipping?
Larry the Lobster: And what about the pumping of the iron?
Plankton: And diblogical cocerispy?
Sandy: And let's not forget the science fair!
SpongeBob: The real reason I called you here was to watch this slideshow of photos from my family vacation!
Mr. Krabs, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Larry the Lobster, Sandy Cheeks, Squidward and Pearl: I knew it was too good to be true!
(Patrick bursts through the crowd)
Patrick: Sorry I'm late SpongeBob! I had to find my movie watching hat!
Plankton: That does it I'm out of here!
(Plankton starts to exit, but Larry the Lobster steps on him, followed by Pearl, Mrs. Puff, and Sandy all squishing him.)
SpongeBob: Wait! Wait! You're going to miss the first slide! (Clicks button)
(A slide of Patrick appears on the screen, but it's not centered onto the projector)
Squidward: Looks more like a slip than a slide. Ha ha ha!
Mr. Krabs: Seen enough. [They start leaving now when Sandy is angry]
SpongeBob: Wait! Come back! (Moves projector) See, its Patrick!
Patrick: Hey! Its me!
Squidward: Why is it all orange and blurry?
Squidward: See, right there on the entire thing.
SpongeBob: Oh! That's because Patrick was spraying the camera with Cheese Fizz.
(Cuts to SpongeBob taking picture)
SpongeBob: "Patrick, you're spraying the camera with Cheese Fizz! The pictures will come out all orange and blurry."
Patrick: "I can't help it SpongeBob! I'm so excited about going on a family vacation with you and your parents that my aim is off! (Patrick sprays himself in the eye with Cheese Fizz.) See? (Patrick blinks, squirting the Cheese Fizz into his mouth.) There we go..."
SpongeBob: "I know what you mean, sometimes it feels like I've been waiting my entire life to go on this trip!"
Patrick: "Really? Why is that?"
SpongeBob: "Proabably because I have."
Patrick: "Been what."
SpongeBob: "Been waiting."
Patrick: (Breathing heavily) "Wait... you mean so... what?"
SpongeBob: (Throws camera behind him) "Patrick! They're here!"
(SpongeBobs parents pull up in their car. Harold pokes his head out the window.)
Harold: "Good morning son, ready to head out?"
SpongeBob: "You bet!"
Margaret: "SpongeBob! Don't leave your luggage behind!" (Points to Patrick)
SpongeBob: "That's not luggage, that's Patrick! He's coming with us, remember?"
Harold: Well, shake a leg boys. The Great Barrier Reef isn't gonna visit itself!"
Margaret: "Your father's right dear!"
Harold: (Mutteirng) "They know I'm right..."
(Cut to the gang driving.)
SpongeBob: (Pulls out map)
Patrick: "You brought homework?"
SpongeBob: "No Patrick, it's a brochure detailing all the fun we'll have at our final destination! (Opens brochure) The Great Barrier Reef! See, there's a huge assortment of slides, and trampolines..."
Patrick: (Drooling) "And forts..."
SpongeBob: "And ropes to swing on..."
Patrick: (Still drooling) "And forts."
SpongeBob: "And a water park!" (Camera zooms out, pans to Patrick drooling on map.) "Oh wait, that's just where you drooled on it." (Closes brochure) I can't wait to get there! How about you?"
Patrick: "I can't."
SpongeBob: (Closes eyes) "Yeah..."
Patrick: (Sweating) "No, I mean I really can't." (Shouting) "I've been in this confined space for too long somebody help! (Banging on windows) Get me out of here!" (Cuts to car driving on the ride with Patrick banging on the window.)
Harold: "Alright boys, alright, turn down the volume back there."
Margaret: (Turns to face the backseat) "I have an idea! Why don't we play a road game to pass the time?"
Margaret: "Anybody know any?"
Patrick: (Raises hand frantically) "Oh! Oh! Oh! Hide and seek!" (Patrick dives under the passenger seat.)
SpongeBob: "Hey, why does he get to go first?"
Harold: (Singing) "And she threw it all away..."
Patrick: (Flies into windshield) "Okay find me!"
Harold: (Screams) "Gah!"
(Car spins out of control, crashing into a sign for The Great Barrier Reef. The car crashes in the Outskirts Outlet Mega Mall, bouncing through. The car goes down the escelator, while a tan female fish looks over at the car, and doesn't seem to care. The car then crashes out of the mall, flying through the air, and landing on a race track. The car bounces off of a siren, and then circles the track. The car crosses the finish line, and wins the race. The crowd cheers, and the car crashes through the trophies, exiting the race. The car leaves the ocean, and flies into the air, eventually flying through space. The car hits the cow that jumped over the moon, and falls back down into the ocean. The car crashes between a multitude of rocks, before landing back on the road, and driving away with Patrick now inside.)
SpongeBob: "...Maybe we should just sing the road song."
Patrick: "Road. Road. Road. Road. (Continues for rest of song)
SpongeBob: When I'm on the road
I see stuff going by
When I'm on the road
I got a bug in my eye
When I'm on the road"
Margaret: "Looks like clear skies ahead"
SpongeBob: "When I'm on the road"
Harold: "Please stop touching my head"
SpongeBob: "Let's all sing the road song
I want to sing it all day long
Let's all sing the road song
Let's all sing along"
(Song ends abruptly when fire starts on top of car. Cuts to show car from the outside.)
SpongeBob: "Um... anyone else know any good road tunes?"
(Cut to the gang pushing the car, sans Patrick who thinks he is pushing the car, but is not pushing anything.)
SpongeBob: "How much farther to the nearest service station?"
Harold: "Probably pretty far son."
(Cuts to show road sign that shows that the nearest service station is "Proabably pretty far."
SpongeBob: "Oh, you're right!"
(Gang continues to push car, cut to them at a service station.)
Harold: "So, uh, how's it lookin'?"
Service Station Worker: (Pointing to objects in car) "Well, it's got a cracked timing case cover, you've broken a couple keys off the timing gear, your radiator is damaged at the core, you got a cracked water pump, and a fractured injector line."
Margaret: "And what does all that mean?"
Service Station Worker: "Well little missy, in technical terms... if she don't wanna run, she don't wanna run!"
(Cuts to Margaret and Harold staring blankly.)
Harold: "Uh-huh. So what are we looking at time wise?"
Service Station Worker: "Well now that depends... how much time ya got?!" (Service Station Worker starts laughing.)
Patrick: (Laughing) "How much time ya got? (All stare at Patrick.) "Not funny."
(SpongeBob takes a picture.) "Hey at least they have a cozy-looking waiting room! (Points to outhouse.) Come on!" (All enter.)
(Cut to the gang in the outhouse. Harold is reading the paper and Margaret is knitting. SpongeBob and Patrick are waiting silently.
SpongeBob: "Man, am I bored."
Patrick: "I am beyond bored. I am... be...yord."
Margaret: (Looking out window) "Oh boys! Is that a playground I see?"
(SpongeBob and Patrick stare blankly for a few moments before running to the playground, hollering. They slow down upon noticing all the mud around the playground)
Patrick: "Not the most colorful playground I've seen."
SpongeBob: (Shaking head) "This looks more like a grey-ground." (Cuts to swings, slide, and see-saw. SpongeBob take a picture.)
Margaret: "Well I'll just let you two amuse yourselves and come back for you when the boat's fixed."
SpongeBob: (Turns to Margaret) "Actually this place seems a little bit-"
Margaret: "Have fun!" (Running away)
Patrick: "Well this is a nasty turn of events."
SpongeBob: "You're preaching to the choir, Patrick."
Patrick: (Crosses arms) "I knew it was gonna happen, too."
SpongeBob: "You did? How?"
Patrick: (Turns around to reveal Cheese Fizz spread across his shorts, reaches into pocket) "Because it happens every time I keep my cheese fizz in my back pocket! (Sprays remaining cheese fizz into mouth before running out.) Darn! It's almost empty!"
SpongeBob: (Walking towards see-saw) "Well, I guess we'll have to make the best of it. (Jumps onto see-saw while fake laughing.) This is fun! Hey Patrick, you- (SpongeBobs speach becomes incoherent as he sinks into the mud.)
Patrick: (Spraying Cheese Fizz into mouth) "Huh? (Patrick walks towards the mud that SpongeBob had sunk into.) SpongeBob were you talking to me? (SpongeBob reaches his arms out of the mud) I could have sworn SpongeBob was calling me from this direction... SpongeBob where are you?!" (SpongeBob pulls himself out from the mud by grabbing onto Patrick. Patrick is now sitting on top of SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: "Hey Patrick."
Patrick: "Huh? SpongeBob? Oh come on, where are you hiding? This isn't funny! (Looking around) Huh." (Puts hands on hips)
SpongeBob: (Pokes Patrick) "Uh, Patrick I'm right here."
Patrick: (Looks at SpongeBob) "Oh, hey SpongeBob! How'd ya get there?"
SpongeBob: "Well, I was on this see-saw-"
Patrick: (Yelling) "SLIDE!" (Bounces off of SpongeBob and onto slide. Patrick laughs and attempts to go down slide, but gets stuck and has to force himself down. The slide gets stuck to his bottom. Patrick tries to pull the slide off, but fails. The slide hits Patrick, and he goes flying.)
SpongeBob: "Patrick, do you need help?"
Patrick: (Walks up to SpongeBob with side still stuck) "Huh? With this slide stuck to my bottom? Nah, I want it there. (Patrick stands motionless for a second. I hate you slide! (Pull slide off, flattening SpongeBob. SpongeBob sits motionless on the sand.) Oh, sorry SpongeBob." (Patrick pulls the slide off and throws it behind him.)
SpongeBob: (Wobbles back up) "Hey look, a swingset! (Flops over to the swings, pulling himself back up) Can't go wrong with this old-time playground favorite. (Spongebob swings on swingset.) "Weee. Hey, this is almost like being at The Great Barrier Reef, huh? Try it, Patrick."
Patrick: "Okay. (Patrick sits motionless on swing.) "It's not working."
SpongeBob: (Swinging) "Go back and forth like this. (Patrick starts swinging) There you go! Now you're getting into the... SWING of things!" (Laughing)
Patrick: (Starts laughing) "Hey, watch me go!" (Patrick breaks the swingset and flies off, screaming)
Patrick: (Rolls into fence, breaking it and starts falling down a slide)
SpongeBob: "Patrick! I'm coming! (Spongebob and Patrick slides down the water slide, screaming, while going down multiple sharp turns. SpongeBob and Patrick end up in a puddle) ...Patrick?"
Patrick: (Muffled) SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: "Patrick! Are you okay?"
Patrick: "No, I'm not okay."
SpongeBob: "You're not?"
Patrick: "No, I'm great! That was awesome! Let's do it again!" (SpongeBob and Patrick climb up the slide and fall back down)
SpongeBob: "Something tells me that is a one-way drain."
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick walking through a strange forest.)
SpongeBob: (Groaning) "How long have we been walking here, Patrick?"
Patrick: "Well, that depends on who you ask."
Patrick: "Well, if you ask someone with a watch, they might be able to tell you."
SpongeBob: "Are you getting hungry?"
Patrick: "Yeah! How'd you know?"
SpongeBob: "I could hear your stomach growling. For a second I thought it was some scary monster coming to eat us." (SpongeBob and Patrick laughing)
Patrick: "That's funny! Couldn't have been my stomach growling though..."
SpongeBob: "It couldn't?
Patrick: (Poking stomach) "I had its vocal coards removed before the trip."
SpongeBob: "Well, I coud've sworn that I heard-" (Monster growling)
Patrick: "SpongeBob, I heard it! I heard growling!"
SpongeBob: "No, that time it was my stomach. There's got to be something around here to eat. (Picks berry, puts in mouth) Patrick I found some berries we can- (SpongeBob inflates, body turns purple) not eat!"
Patrick: (Patrick eating) "Thanks for the warning."
SpongeBob: "Patrick, where did you get (Pulls out needle, pops self) the kelp cake?"
Patrick: "From the vending machine!" (Camera pans to vending machine)
Patrick: "Was it your stomach that time too?"
SpongeBob: "Nope.... run for your life!" (SpongeBob and Patrick start running away)
(Small creature appears and makes loud growling noises)
SpongeBob: "It's getting closer! (SpongeBob and Patrick almost fall of cliff) Oh no! It's a sheer drop-off! What do we do??"
Patrick: "Don't ask me! I don't remember "being eaten alive" on this trips itinerary."
SpongeBob: "I'm too young to be digested!" (Jumps onto Patrick, crying)
Patrick: "Wait SpongeBob! I know how to get us out of this!"
SpongeBob: "You do?"
Patrick: "I saw something like this in a movie once! Now watch closely, and do exactly what I do!"
(SpongeBob and Patrick jump off of cliff)
SpongeBob: "Okay, now what?"
Patrick: "I'm not sure, I fell asleep in the second half ot the movie!"
Patrick: "Well I hope that monsters carrying some syrup!)
SpongeBob: "Yeah because if he's eating us, he's having pancakes for lunch!"
(SpongeBob and Patrick land on sea anemone, bounce off and land on plant. SpongeBob and Patrick laughing with heavy breath)
SpongeBob: "Patrick, we did it!'
Patrick: "We're not gonna be eaten!"
(SpongeBob and Patrick cheering)
Patrick: "Hey SpongeBob?"
SpongeBob: "Yeah Patrick?"
Patrick: "All thise not being eaten is making me hungry."
SpongeBob: "Oh, don't worry. Once we get to The Great Barrier Reef, we'll be eating like kings!"
SpongeBob: "Now put 'em there, Patrick!"
Patrick: "Put 'em there!"
SpongeBob: "Ooh Patrick, have you been using a different moisturizer? Because your hands feel kind of-" (Screaming)
Patrick: "Oh no, it's just the same old moisturizer I always use. (Monster appears behind Patrick)
Patrick: "Oh come on Patrick, don't leave me hanging! ...Let me guess, it's time to start screaming again?"
SpongeBob: "Wait a second. (Takes picture) Okay now." (Both screaming and running)
(SpongeBob and Patrick fall, Patrick grabs onto SpongeBobs legs)
Patrick: "SpongeBob, as much as I'd like to stay and hang around, I'm not sure nows the time..."
SpongeBob: "I know Patrick, but now it seems to be- (Hands slip, SpongeBob starts hyperventilating) Our best possible course of action!"
Patrick: (Sweating) "Well, I'd probably be enjoying the view if I still had any blood flowing through my arms."
(Vine starts to break)
SpongeBob: "Don't worry Patrick, you're patience isn't the only thing that's wearing thin! (Vine breaks, both screaming and swinging on vine. SpongeBob sees different vine) Grab it Patrick!"
Patrick: "Got it! Okay SpongeBob, your turn!"
SpongeBob: (Snoring, wakes up and grabs vine)
(SpongeBob and Patrick slide through the sand, land behind a rock)
Monster: (Looks around, shrugs and flies away)
SpongeBob: "Whew, that was a close one, right Patrick?"
Patrick: "Yeah, looks like everything worked out just... vine..." (Patrick laughing)
SpongeBob: "Patrick... Patrick, did you hear that?"
Patrick: It sounded like it came from the other side of this big rock!"
SpongeBob: "This isn't a big rock, it's a big wall!)
(Camera zooms out to reveal "no parking" sign on brick wall)
Patrick: "Do you think it belongs to that gift shop right there?"
(Camera pans to gift shop)
SpongeBob: (Walks up to gift shop) "What would a gift shop be doing right in the middle of nowhere?"
Patrick: "Uh... selling gifts?"
(SpongeBob and Patrick enter gift shop)
SpongeBob: (Looking around) "Wow Patrick, look at all this stuff! (Taking multiple pictures) Wanna buy something?"
Patrick: "No, I'm not in the market for any souvenirs."
SpongeBob: "Well you can never have to many- (Gasps) Oh no! I just realized what this place is!"
Patrick: "You have?"
SpongeBob: "Patrick, we have walked straight into a (whispering) tourist trap..."
Patrick: "A TRAP!"
Patrick: (Whispering) "...A trap..."
SpongeBob: (Sweating) "Let's escape, before we spend all our money on useless trinkets..."
(SpongeBob and Patrick tip-toeing out of gift shop)
SpongeBob: "Patrick wait, I saw a very nice driftwood sculpture over there which would work great as a mantepiece."
Patrick: "SpongeBob no!"
(Cuts to Patrick spelling his name in the sand, SpongeBob enters crying and carrying multiple shopping bags")
SpongeBob" "Patrick that tourist shop took me for everything I had! Now we don't have any money, we're still lost, and we're gonna be in big trouble! Oh this vacation is a disaster!"
Patrick: "SpongeBob I-"
(SpongeBob bursts into tears)
Patrick: "I don't think this vacation has been a disaster."
SpongeBob: "...You don't?"
Patrick: (Picks up brochure, opens) "Of course not, see! We did everything we dreamed of doing at The Great Barrier Reef."
SpongeBob: "Patrick you're right! We went down a sewage pipe..."
Patrick: "Like a slide."
SpongeBob: "Bounced off a huge anemone..."
Patrick: "Like a trampoline."
SpongeBob: "Hid in a nest!"
Patrick: "Like a fort!"
SpongeBob: "And swung on some vines! Which are a lot like ropes! This vacation has it all!"
Patrick: (Closes brochure) "All except for one thing."
SpongeBob: "Whats that?"
Patrick: "A way out of here."
SpongeBob: "My poor parents must be worried sick."
Patrick: "I suggest we take a nap here until they come and find us! And then we'll be well-rested on the way home."
SpongeBob: (Walking away) "I suggest we start walking."
Patrick: "I was afraid he was gonna suggest that."
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, singing The Road Song with tired, dry voices)
Patrick: "SpongeBob, maybe we should take a break from the singing for a while."
SpongeBob: "Good idea Patrick. I'll just play the road song on this whistle I got from the souvenir shop."
(SpongeBob playing The Road Song on whistle)
Harold: "Oh hey son, we're ready to go."
(SpongeBob continues playing, multiple animals begin to follow as he walks with Patrick through the forrest)
Patrick: "Wow SpongeBob, you're pretty good with that thing."
SpongeBob: "Well thanks Patrick, glad you think so."
Patrick: "Apparently I'm not the only one who does."
SpongeBob: "What do you mean? Who else could- (Camera zooms out to reveal the monster) Oh no not again.
(The monster drops to the floor)
Patrick: "The whistle seems to have soothed it."
SpongeBob: "Why I think it's offering us a ride!"
(fruit fly points to its back)
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick on top of the monster)
Road. Road. Road. Road. Road. Road. (Continues throughout song)
When I'm above the road
All I see is sky
When I'm above the road
On a giant fruit fly
When I'm above the road
He used to fill us with dread
When I'm above the road
I'm as snug as a baby bug in bed
Let's all sing the above the road song
I wanna sing it all day long
Let's all sing the above the road song
Let's all sing along
(Giant Fruit fly drops SpongeBob and Patrick back onto playground)
SpongeBob: "Patrick I think that is the friendliest terrifyling large insect I have ever had the pleasure of being carried off by."
Patrick: Me too.
(Margaret and Harold pull up in car)
Margaret: "SpongeBob! Oh there you are!"
Harold: "Okay boys, the boat is as good as new and we've got miles and miles of open road ahead of us."
(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick sleeping)
Margaret: "Do something, Harold!"
Harold: "He's your son, Margaret. He's your son."