Patrick: SpongeBob, you're gonna need to speak up. My eardrums aren't what they used to be.
SpongeBob: I can't speak up Patrick, there's a jellyfish here and I'm worried it might sting me if I make any loud... [SpongeBob bumps Patrick and he screams] ... noises.
Patrick: Oops. [they run away. The jellyfish shrugs it off]
SpongeBob: Is he still after us, Patrick?
Patrick: I don't know, buddy!
SpongeBob: Should we turn around and check?
Patrick: Ok. [they both turn around and trip over something]
SpongeBob: Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.
Patrick: I think I landed on a rock. [Patrick shows a big rock on the back of his head]
SpongeBob: Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.
Patrick: That's just Squidward sunbathing again. [Patrick points to Squidward who lowers down his sunglasses]
SpongeBob: No, not that, Patrick. This!
Patrick: What is it?
SpongeBob: I don't know. I think there's something buried underneath it. And I'm gonna go get some shovels so we can dig it up.
[cut to large piles of dirt]
SpongeBob: Phew! Nothing like a little manual labor to put some hair on your chest, eh, Patrick?
Patrick: I'll say. [his entire chest is covered with hair]
SpongeBob: Plus look at what we unearthed! A UFO! [looks inside] Go on, you first. [Patrick climbs down a ladder with SpongeBob following] Kinda dark, huh?
Patrick: Yeah, dark.
SpongeBob: Well, there's gotta be a light switch around here somewhere. Found it. Excuse me, sir. [pulls off a skeleton and proceeds to start the submarine] Hey, Patrick, look! We're moving! And here's the steering wheel!
Patrick: Now hold it, SpongeBob. You better let me drive.
SpongeBob: Gimme that wheel!
Patrick: No! Let go! I wanna drive! [the submarine goes crazy. scene cuts to the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street. And that's our only competition.
Squidward: Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.
Squidward: Well, since you can't bring any customers into the Krusty Krab, have you ever thought about bringing the Krusty Krab to the customers?
Mr. Krabs: Quiet, Squidward, I'm brainstorming! Ooh, ooh! What if instead of bringing customers to the Krusty Krab, we could bring the Krusty Krab to the customers?
Squidward: La la la la la la la la la la la la.
Mr. Krabs: Yes, of course! But how? [the submarine crashes into the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Can we park here? [Squidward looks up] Hey, Mr. Krabs! Look what Patrick and I found! We're gonna use it to go on a long journey.
Patrick: Or even around the block!
Mr. Krabs: That's it! We'll take the Krusty Krab on the road. [cuts to outside] So long, boys. Make me lots of money!
SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward. Bye, Mr. Krabs. [dreamily] Bye, Squidward.
Patrick: You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.
SpongeBob: I like Squidward.
Plankton:[looking through a telescope] A traveling restaurant, eh? It's not fair! I had that idea years ago! No matter. If Mr. Krabs wants to play dirty, then Plankton's ready for his turn to take his turn. [laughs and turns the fist from the Chum Bucket building into a flying vehicle]
SpongeBob: Could I interest you in a Krabby Patty?
Man: No thanks.
Patrick: Now what?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Mr. Krabs said if we didn't find customers, not to come back. [to Man] Are you sure you don't want to be out first customer, sir.
Man: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. [starts to walk away]
SpongeBob: Wait! We'll pay ya!
Man: Hey, thanks again, guys. Good luck with the restaurant!
SpongeBob: Thank you, sir, come again!
Plankton: Those nincompoops are better salesmen than I suspected. [an alarm sets off]
Voice: Customer approaching.
Plankton: Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?
Boy: Uh, does it come in raspberry?
Plankton: Um, no.
Plankton: Ah, come on, kid. You asked me that already. Now quit wasting my time!
Mable: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?
Plankton: I'm Plankton, you old hag. And your son smells like boogers.
Truck Driver: Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way. What do you think this is?
Plankton: I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty. That's what this is.
Mary: Hey, you can't talk to my grandson like that. Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital.
Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, Grandma!
Mary: You're probably right.
Plankton: You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here. [a person throws a rock at Plankton] What the? [the crowd starts throwing rocks] No! Controls malfunctioning! [people continue to throw rocks]
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
SpongeBob: Weren't you supposed to be on kitchen duty? [cut to the kitchen, where the patties are burnt] Oh, no. You burnt all the patties. It's hard as a rock. How are we gonna find somebody who would buy these?
Truck Driver:[sees there are no more rocks] Hey, the rocks are all gone.
Crowd: Aww! [Plankton smiles, but sees SpongeBob coming]
SpongeBob: Folks, have I got a deal for you. [the crowd sees the hard patties and eagerly buy them]
Jack: Alright, get 'em! [they start to throw the patty rocks at Plankton]
SpongeBob: Won't Mr. Krabs be so proud of us when he finds out how good we're doing. See any new customers, Patrick?
Patrick: No, but I see a sign. It says. "Warning: Ab...eyes?"
SpongeBob: Here, let me see. [looks through periscope] No, Patrick, that says "Abyss."
Patrick: Oh, OK. What's an abyss, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: An abyss is a bottomless... [SpongeBob turns around, the submarine falls down the abyss] ...chasm! [an alarm goes off] Pat, we're falling!
Patrick: And now we're being bathed in an eerie red light!
Plankton:[he sees them falling] Yes! Yes!
Patrick: [the submarine loses its bolts and breaks in the water] And now a deafening warning siren! [SpongeBob imitates the sound. the submarine hits a sludgy item, which turns out to be the head of the Sea Monster]
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We've floated back up, out of the deep, dark, depressing, horrible abyss! [looks at the Sea Monster]
Sea Monster: Hey! [he grabs the submarine and looks into it] Who are you calling dark and depressing?
SpongeBob: Daa! We didn't mean it that way, Mr. Sea Monster, sir! What we really wanna know is... are you hungry?
Sea Monster: Hungry? I've been asleep for 79 years. Which means my last meal was 79 years ago. Yes, I'm hungry.
SpongeBob: Then try one of our Krabby Patties.
Sea Monster:[eats the Krabby Patty] Mmm! That's the best thing I've tasted since that sewer spill...back in '76. I'll take 640 of them.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Woo hoo!
Patrick: Order... uh... up! [the Sea Monster gives them large wads of cash]
Plankton: Now that those two are out of the picture, all of the customers will come running to me. [looks at the Sea Monster paying them big money [literally], he rips off the periscope] This calls for drastic-er-est measures! [Plankton goes into the abyss] Okay, you bums, time for the second course; Chum Charges!
Patrick:[the Chum Charges explode around the submarine] SpongeBob! Our hull's been breached. Do you know what that means?
Patrick:[after a pause] Neither do I!
Plankton: Yes! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the... [Plankton sees the vehicle crashing into a cavern wall] Ah, who needs that old Rust Bucket anyhow.
Sea Monster: Come on in there! I want more sandwiches!
Patrick:[a piece of chum enters the submarine] SpongeBob, look!
SpongeBob: What is it?
Patrick: It's a liquid.
SpongeBob: No, it's a solid! It's a solid!
SpongeBob and Patrick: It's a "lol-squid."
Sea Monster: All right, what's going on in there? [he sees the Chum Patty] Hey, that looks like a sandwich to me!
SpongeBob: But not just a sandwich. It's a...Chum-Wich.
Sea Monster:[eats it and likes it] Mmm! Now that's a sandwich!
[cut to a sequence of SpongeBob making Chum-Wiches, Patrick collecting the Chum, and the Sea Monster paying them for the Chum-Wiches.]
SpongeBob: [the monsters belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?
Sea Monster: I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]
SpongeBob: We- We don't have desserts.
Plankton:[lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my... [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and rolls into some wet mud]
Sea Monster: Hey, a chocolate éclair! [to audience] Now that looks like dessert to me!
Plankton: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You- You've got it all wrong, see... Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss. cut to the Krusty Krab]
Janitor:[repairing the windows SpongeBob and Patrick broke previously] There you are, Mr. Krabs, just like new again.
Squidward: Now all we have to do is keep SpongeBob away from the... [the submarine crashes into the windows again]
SpongeBob: We're back, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Tell me all about it. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!
SpongeBob: You wouldn't believe it Mr. Krabs, we had so many new customers!
Mr. Krabs: I don't care about that. Tell me about the money.
SpongeBob: There we were at the bottom of a deep, dark, abyss. And we had to let go of something heavy.
Patrick: And paper.
Mr. Krabs: You let go of all the money I earned as ballast?
SpongeBob:[he and Patrick nod their heads, Mr. Krabs is upset] But on the bright side, we did manage to bring back 37,000 pounds of these decorative deep sea rocks!